If the DT's fit...

I have decided to cut down on my drinking.

Various reasons why:
1. I come from a family of alcoholics, and it is in me.
2. Since June I have had a drink every night. Sometimes 10.
3. People started saying things to me like, when are you going to sober up?
4. When telling someone something important and revealing, I was asked, are you drunk?
5. Did I mention my family?

So, I decided this on Sunday night. Just a vague notion of I will drink less. Then I had a Guiness. I told myself that it was a beer that I normally don't drink, so that was me not drinking.

Not good. Ok, at least I realized that.

So, Monday night I decide I need to assign nights that I will drink. How many? Well, I went with four. Four nights a week I can drink.

Then at the end of the night, when I really wanted a drink, I was concerned. Should I drink tonight? What if I REALLY want a drink another night? So, I decided to pick certain nights for drinking. After some consideration, I chose Mon, Wed, Fri, Sat.

Monday because I work that night, and another server is the manager so it is very laid back, and I enjoy remaining after my shift to talk with everyone. Drinks.

Wednesday because I have Thurs and Fri off, so Wed is like my Fri. Drinks.

Friday because I have my show that night, and all my friends come and we hang out at the bar after, plus with all the coffee I drink to get up for the show, it takes to drinks just to calm me. They are what I call the two shots into the elephant just to stop him for the kill. Drinks.

Saturday because that is a very busy work shift, and most people I wait on are assholes, so after six hours of constant running and pride swallowing, I needs me a drink. Drinks.

So, there are my days, and my reasons. Fuck you, Tuesday, Thursday, Sunday.

Like I said, I decided that on Monday. Then on Tuesday, I went to the book signing. All the glamorous are there and everybody is chit chatting and blah blahing, and there is cheese and WINE!!!!!

Next thing I know, I have a glass. Ok, there goes my resolve. No! I can float days for extraordinary events. I'll drink tonight, and no drinking on Wednesday. Fine.

Then comes yesterday, Wednesday. A day that should be my drinks, but now isn't. The last day of a work week. Oh, and an awful shift, with most unpleasant people. Great. What? Oh, yeah, you now have a roommate! At home, at that very moment! A beer drinker!

No, I have resolve. I have a moral code. I'll have water please.

After the shift, while eating my pizza, the other staff come to me and say guess what? Since we are rolling out a new wine list on Thursday, they are letting us drink the twelve remaining bottles we won't sell anymore for FREE.

God. You are cruel. Either that, or Dyonisus is filling in for you today.

No, I can't. I only drink four days a week now. What, they say! Why four! Some laugh at the number I have chosen, like that is really the sign of sobriety, drinking more days than not!

Still, and all, I leave. Then, the entire drive home, all I can think about is a drink. God, I want a drink. Maybe I will have one beer at home. BM doesn't know about my rule. He won't suspect a thing. I'll have fooled them all!

No!

I get home, and pour myself a glass of water. Tell BM about my new choice. Also, tell him about my struggle. Then, it washes away, and the rest of the night was much easier.
Kind of creepy though.

(side thought)

How demoralizing is it when you have a gay roommate move in, and you are still the most effeminate one in the household?

I couldn't lift a heavy shelf, and said, I can't get it. He turns to me with a little wave off, like I'm just too pretty, and says, Don't bother yourself with that, I'll get it.

Next thing you know, he's going to carry me over the threshold.

Crammed and Ready

Well, last night I finally finished the preparations long overdue to accomodate the BM.

I dismantled my living room shelves, too many books, not enough but still plenty DVDs, and shoved them into my bedroom. I moved the bed from a East/West angle to a North/South angle and I love it. It gives a much needed change to the room, making it mine, as well as actually opening up space. Which was then taken up by massive piles of objects. Now to just find an appropriate book shelf and I'll be good.

Funny, too, but while married, we always complained that the bedroom had no design, it was just a room with a bed, and used solely for what a couple uses a bed for. Now, with the redesign, and the extra items, it is taking on a little more room feel. Who knew?

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Great night last night. Had my acting teacher's book signing. A great crowd came out, and many of them were people I have seen around, but last night, they were coming up to me, and making chat. I really felt part of the group. It has only been 11 weeks in class, but doing the competition show, and doing it again next week has given me some legs up on the who's who ladder. It really felt great. Also, the arrogant girl who wouldn't let me kiss her was there, and made eye contact, and displayed some interesting low status characteristics. I think she is now intimidated by me because I wouldn't fall for her "I'm the prettiest in the land" routine. Then again, I'm usually wrong when it comes to women, so who knows.

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My brother called today and he is coming into town next week. It will be good to see him, though it is always a bit of a chore. We are two very different people. He will get to see my show, and I think he will love it, so I look forward to that. Then he wants me to take off Saturday night. I told him I couldn't afford it, really. He asked how much I made on my best night, and I told him $150. He said take it off, and he will write me a check for $200. I told him that the restaurant is having a promotion right now, and it will be tough getting it off. He said, take the extra $50 from the two hondo, and pay it to someone to work. What an ass. I'm totally going to try, though.

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Also, KK wants to start writing with me. Sit-Com stuff. I have been waiting to write with him for a long time. I tried to do it when he first moved here, but he was too busy building a company that would get him a life of luxury. LOL

Anyway, he is getting back into it, and talking about collaboration. I think we would make great partners, both for our similarities (self-deprecating, neurotic, intelligent wit) and our differences (he is steeped in pop culture, and commercial, I am out of touch, and alternative). I think the sit-com is a great starting point. Don't you, KK?

I can't seem to escape my past

I can't seem to escape my past today. So much is coming around that reminds me of various things. Mostly, my marriage, and the relationship.

Songs that came out while we were together, and then especially the ones that have a direct memory attached to them. They have been hitting me today.

A kid at work just got back from Europe, and telling me about his trip reminded me of mine, and how much in love we were then.

Getting sad even reminds me of times when she would comfort me. Strange particular moments of sadness are flooding me as memories.

It is just so overwhelming. I feel a huge sadness. I guess it comes from the fact that BM is moving in and now the official change is taking place. Somehow the removal of half the possesions didn't quite fix in my brain the end, but the addition of another being sure as hell is doing the job.

I feel like a balloon. One that has a fatal pin prick, letting out all of the air. I feel a constant leaking coming from somewhere around my chest, right about where the heart would be located, and the leakage is a vital unseen element.

All of this is not to say that I want to get back together, but just that history and loyalty have always been important to me, and now, well, it seems like they have been destroyed. I guess that is why all the old songs are hurting. Knowing that they are my history, and that my history had been betrayed by my loyalty.

I feel such an insurmountable sadness. Like I am waiting for a particular person to come along who will finally unlock something hidden in me, and I will get to let out all of this grief and sadness in one giant cry.

I guess that sentiment is what was meant when my friend said that right now I am toxic to new relationships.

My little secret

Met with my new roommate, BM, today. We are trying to easily introduce his dog to my cat, and we hope one of them won't die in the process of living together.

The whole time they were here, I was thinking, just three more days, and you will be here always.

And I didn't like that.

To be fair, I am looking forward to some things. Financial relief, the sense of a household with full furnishing, and the constant companionship.

What I am not looking forward to is the flip side of constant companionship, annoying presence. Also, I can't stand his dog. That is not the dog's fault, and I know that, and am respectful to the dog, but I can't stand it.

I can't live by myself, and I don't want to, but I just don't think I am ready for this.

Not to mention, he has a hell of a image to live up to: Past roommates.

First of all, my last roommate, my wife, was easy. She really was easy to live with. She cleaned, she cooked, she gave sex. I got all of these for pretty much just being. Not to bad. He ain't gonna provide the same, and those sure do off set the bad aspects.

Ok, but it isn't fair to compare to your wife. So, my last non-sexual roommate is even tougher to be better than.

We were friends first, then roomies. He is totally laid back and cool, cooks, and was the organizer of the household. Mostly because he owned most of the shit, now I do. Anyway, he and I were very similiar, not so really with my new guy. I really got it right when I lived with D, and now I am not so sure. This choice seems to come from a place of need, rather than a secure place of desire.

Anyway, can you guess what a popular topic will be here in the next few months?

I did the right thing, and it sucks.

Tonight was my date with E. She is the girl whom I have been secretly, even to her, dating.

Tonight, I figured I better set things straight. That is the adult thing to do, whether or not it is the easy thing to do.

I will also let you know right now that I am stinking drunk. It took all of this to admit my feelings to someone.

And admit I did. I told her that I was attracted to her, and that I have been wanting to kiss her, and that I now think that all of that is the wrong move.

She, to my chagrin, agreed. She had no idea about my feelings, but smiled as I told her.

Then we danced for some time. It was great. A little grindy, too. Cool.

For the most part though, I did the right thing. She now knows I am attracted to her, and wish to kiss her, but she is definitly keeping me at a distance. I don't know if that is because she is scared or repulsed, but I'm sure I will find out in the next couple of days as we WORK TOGETHER!

Oh Yeah!

Beating Down the System

I had intended a hy-larioius update yesterday about my dealings with the government.

You see, I had a violation that needed some record cleansing, and I needed to go downtown and pay off some folks. Well, I am not generally happy about paying people. Especially, the government. Especially, because they tell me I can't drink and drive. Well, actually they didn't tell I couldn't do that, they just tell me not to hit things when I do.

Anyway, the point is that when you head to downtown to pay the unnecessary fee, you also have to park.

This is where they actually get you. The fee for my violation was $10. The flat rate parking was $11.

Forget about it!

I circled several times, and then saw my moment of anarchy.

Two blocks away was a McDonalds. Free parking!

Hah! I pulled in, parked for NO charge, walked into Mickey D's and ordered a #2, no pickle, and, wala, I had free parking, lunch, and the smug satisfaction of beating the system.

Look out Johnny Law, you are no match for the chinhole!

As I said, I had intended to write that yesterday.

After coming back home, and running some errands, a friend called and asked to come by. He needed to do something for me, and he was in the area. I was excited to have the thing done, and to have him over.

He is one of the friends who is "taking care of me". He calls about twice a week, and always at least says, how are you doing? You know, with that silent implication of, " cuz we all know you aren't doing well".

So, he walks in, we hug, he says, How are you doing?

I immediately say, I'm fine. I always say that. Mostly it is true. Yesterday, as soon as I said it, I realized it wasn't true.

This wave of sadness washed over me. I just wanted to break down and cry to him. I knew right then, I must be repressing a ton of emotion for it to be surfacing like this.

But, I really didn't know why I was sad. How can I tell him I'm sad without saying why?

Plus, I had just said I was fine. What sort of crazy says, Oh sure, all is cool, and then when you move on to the next subject, switches gears and goes all gooey on you?

Not to mention, he is having a crappy time himself. As soon as he knew/thought I was good, he launched into his own version of "the crappy times".

Later, after much talk and deeds done, I did tell him that I was revising my initial proclamation. Of course, he said he knew, but was just waiting for me to say it.

Bastard.

I still am not sure why. I mean, there is the obvious, but I was really acclimating to that, or I think I was.

Oh well.

Why is it always Fridays that seem to get to me. Then at night, I have to go through these sommersaults to get up for my show.

Where did all the people in blog world go?

What is going on?

All the blogs I read haven't been updated since Monday. That, and I can't seem to get it together and write.

All the shit I want to write, I feel like I just say over and over again. All the stuff I don't want to write, I really should, but I don't.

So, fuck it here I go.

I have been pretty busy this week because I am feeling old and I want a career in acting and I feel like I am fucking it up, and letting it slip away. So, I started to try and get my shit together. I made a list on Sunday night, and I have been keeping to it.

I'm normally not this productive. I am the type of procrastinator who is given a thing to do, and four days later starts to think about doing it. Then, three days after that, does it.

I have to change that.

Then, as part of my "gettin shit done" self, yesterday I didn't have a drink all day. That is probably the first time since the begining of June that I went a day without some sort of drink. That sounds bad, but seriously, some times it was one beer. Maybe two wines. Not an alcoholic, but I did need to go a day without. Just to say I could. Of course, I have been drinking tonight, but the drinking every day thing IS going to decrease.

Also, I think I asked that girl out. I don't know what I am doing there. I don't know if she even is interested. I think that she is interested, but wary. Much like me. I don't think I should be dating anyone right now, but whenever I am around her, I just flirt away, and then I find myself saying things like, so what are you doing Saturday night?

Everyone tells me don't do this. I think I shouldn't do this. I bet that she thinks this isn't smart. Hell, today at work, when I announced that yesterday I didn't have a drink all day, everyone was shocked that I had been drinking like that since June, but she said, can you blame him. So, obviously, she thinks I am fucked up. And I am.

However, I think that we are both really attracted to each other. She is probably smarter than I, and is not going to let anything happen. I can't control myself. I don't know why. I guess it is just being lonely.

What we really want as adults is love and respect. Someone to love, and to have love us. Then, respect from most everyone else. You don't need everyone to respect you, because you can always say that those who don't are the crazy people. But you do need quite a few people to respect you.

I think that out of all the people I know, and who know me, about 70% respect me. I can think of the ones who don't, and I tell myself that I don't care about them or their respect, but I do.

So, that is where I have been.

I don't know what I'm doing. I feel like I should have been doing it a long time ago. I'm worried that it is too late to do the thing I don't know. So, I am jumping headlong into whatever thinking that I will hit the thing I have been longing to do.

Sound like a mid life crisis?

Either that, or I really, truly have it all figured out. Seriously, it could be either one.

Can't Shake It

Feel like crap today.

Have all day.

No particular reason. Had a fun night last night, and the show went well the night before.

Still, ugh.

When I get in a sad mood, I always focus on the lack of someone to curl up with. I dream, here alone, that all I need to solve my malaise is a woman whom I can wrap my arms around, and have her run her fingers through my hair as we share a glass of whatever and whisper about nothingness and the like.

Yeah, the cure to all my woes!

I really wish my financial situation was much better. My job doesn't want to give me the time I need off. My new show, the murder mystery, is trying to schedule me for shows but I can't do them due to my improv show. The only thing that is happy with me is my improv show, but I pay to do that.

Why can't I get paid to do that. Then, I could leave the restaurant, and do the mystery tour whenever, and still have the money to go do whatever the hell I want.

That's all I ask for... the ability to do whatever the hell I want. Is that so wrong?

It's not like I'm asking for immortality, or world peace, or something ridiculous like that. No. I just want supreme power over the events in my own personal life, and those pretty girls around me. Yeah, I have to have the power to manipulate the pretty girls around me, cuz always having to impress them is not really what I enjoy, and to still get them and not have to impress them first, as my whatever I want wishes imply, will require supreme power over their feeble, unnecessary brains.

That and a blue convertible. One of those real long ones from the sixties. That wouldn't really be having the ability to do whatever I want, so I would need that.

Or is it? Does having the ability to do whatever I want mean that if I want to go for a drive in a cool car, then the car would just be there for me, in order to provide the cool ride? Because if that is how this is going to work, then I am really wishing for this. This whole do what I want thing is really sweet.

I recommend it.

Then again, I am the guy who recommended walking around a city in nothing but your underwear. It is very liberating, but I didn't really get a following. Either people just don't put any honest stock in what I have to say, or I just don't have that crazy religious cult kind of charisma. You know, the kind where twenty women who all live in the same room are sleeping with you, and are ok with it. And they carry rifles!

No. I don't have that.

I have more the crazy, did you see what that guy is wearing kind of charisma. Not that it is really charisma so much as it is, oh, puzzle inducing magnetism.

Do you think girls are hot for puzzle inducing magnetism? Like drop their pants in the bathroom of a party hot?

Some how, that seems like the ultimate in seduction. If you could get a girl to lay you in the bathroom of a party. I don't actually think I would enjoy it, but it is the ultimate. There is no denying that.

You know, years from now, when this blog has out lasted me even, this will be the page they return to over and over again. Whole semesters at Stanford will be devoted to studying the links in inspiration. Spoken word plays will be developed from the transcripts of my mumblings. Thin, black clothed guys with scraggy facial hair will seduce uptight bespectacled girls in fuzzy purple sweaters by referencing the part about charisma.

Your welcome all. Glad I could be of service.

This is actually helping. I better not read it and lose the feeling.

Fried Day

Another day with the wife smacking each other in the mind and heart.

I think we have finally seperated all but the files on this here computer, and a couple of tricky bills. All that is left is the actual divorce.

We can really get along well. We laugh, we talk frankly, we are polite to each other.

Then one does something that really annoys the other. Then the other tells the one, and frank turns to button pushing, and believe me, we know how to get each other.

They say Italians are good with knives. Well, it must be true, because my words stabbed her a couple of times today, and real good.

That, of course, makes me feel like shit. However, before I can remorse and apologize, she has reparteed, and I find myself bleeding from my emotion.

The high point would have to be when we were seperating wedding photos. Gee, do you think that might be a tough time? Any emotion being called up as you look at the photos of one of your best day, knowing that in a second you are going to fight over which of you gets to keep that photo.

Dicey.

At one point, she asked how it was we never killed each other. I told her that the desire for sex from the other is mortality's greatest protector.

Now, here I sit, drained and wishing I could curl up with a blanket, a movie, a nice dinner, and drink some wine and fall asleep content.

None of which I can do.

I don't have a blanket except my comforter.

My DVD is DVDisconnected.

My nice dinner is going to be the #2 at McDonalds.

The wine, actually, I will still get in the wine.

Fall asleep, ha, I have a show at 11pm that I have to create. Between now and then I am going to be pumping so much coffee into me. How do you think we make the funny?

Why do you think I will still need the wine.

Actually, scratch wine, it will most likely be martinis.

I'm longing to write something profound right now, but I got bupkis. I guess I am getting into show mode, and the emotional guide is shutting down to make room for the juevinile wit.

Not that my characters are juevinile, but poop. Tee hee.

Wow. This is before a sip of coffee too. Of course, the pot just finished brewing and the aroma is all over the room. Maybe I am doing a Pavlovian thing and my body is anticipating the coffee so much, I'm already getting pumped.

I must say I am looking forward to watching the show from last week. To keep the narrative going, before every show, we watch the previous one. Last week was the first of this Scandal! so it will be fun to see how it all looks. Plus, last week was a very entertaining show, so that is always fun.

You know, after reading so many blogs, and peeking into someone's inner thoughts and emotions, then commenting, and reading other's comments, I have come to realize that blogs are the singles bars for the sensitive and brainy.

As I sit here and think about that, it is damn funny.

So....

what are you drinking?

Royalty of sorts

I got a crown today. Only a temp, my real one is due in two weeks.

Not headgear, a fake tooth.

I have always had crappy teeth. My mouth is full of silver from the old days when they would fill cavities, and I had plenty. I loves me the sugar.

Well, now they are replacing those, due to age and wear. Only they are using porcelain this time. I will be all white now, and not just when I dance.

The assistant actually said, now you will be a handsome man.

That got me scared, I thought they were only fixing my tooth. I don't have that much credit.

Oh, and dentists, what is with the banter while I have twelve instruments in my mouth? Do you really expect me to answer if I play golf??? If you want to fill the time with your "witty" observations, then just do it, and don't ask for my help.

I can't talk!

Anyway, I am pretty busy today, and then tomorrow is another day of tossing out my life. I don't think I will be visiting here too much, but who knows. Every time I get together with my wife, I tend to have to work the stuff out in writing afterwards.

This is the time

I have been randomly bouncing around blogspot a lot these days.

I don't have TV anymore. I disconnected it, along with all the other electronics, the other day. The TV leaves Friday. The rest will be packed away in my slowly filling to overloaded bedroom.

So, rather than turn on the TV, I spend more time on the internet. All the news sites are the same, so once around and you are good. That leaves me wanting to read, and read something novel.

Blogs are it. Very fascinating, these things. Sometimes you get lucky, and the person can write, and they are being frank and searing. Those can make the hours just disappear.

Others are less so. Just meaningless thoughts, put down once every couple of days.

Then there are the Christians. There are plenty of them out there. I don't hate them like most liberals, but their blogs certainly don't interest me.

What I have noticed though is, many of these blogs have been started this summer. This has been an unusual summer for the status quo.

Two of my friends have moved out of town.
One of my friend's family has moved back to Europe.
Two friends are kicking out their roommates.
Divorce.
One friend is working a new job, one friend is interviewing for a new job.

Strange, huh?

Seems like the summer came and decided that life needed a shake up. Everyone got shook, and decided that it was scary. Feeling alone, they all then decided to reach out to anonymous people and search for commonality. Writing about how no one out there feels like them, they got comments from others around the world saying, I know how you feel. Looking around, they then realized that for all our differences, we are all the same humans struggling for someone to tell us that we are ok, and then to love us.

Nicolas, thank you. Your common stories and interest has enlivened me, and today as I hopped around on blogs, I wrote comments to people hoping I could make them feel a bit like you made me feel.

In acting class today, I got paired in a scene with a very beautiful, very arrogant girl. The scene called for a kiss, and when I brought up the subject, she said I couldn't kiss her. I told her that the scene really called for it, and needed it. She said she would let me kiss her on the forehead only. I said that was like kisses from grandparents. She said she had a boyfriend, and he wouldn't appreciate my kissing her, and that she would have to be paid $700 to be kissed. After kissing her on the forehead, I asked how much she got paid for that? $250? Later, our teacher made me kiss her. When she made a face, he told her to try and act like a professional.

The whole time I was hating her for her smugness, and her disdain, I really felt like deep down, she was scared. I wished I could unlock something in her, and make her know that, I didn't care to kiss her, and that it is ok to be kissed by people whom you don't feel anything for.

Somehow, I think that feeling is the same feeling that we feel when we read these anonymous blogs and want to say, yeah, me too.

Without the Power

LA had a near total blackout yesterday.

Turns out someone accidentally snipped a wire. Oops.

I was in the shower when it happened, and at first I thought that I blew a bulb. Then, when I noticed that the heat lamp was dimming, I knew it was a power outage.

That's when I thought... terrorism!

Strange that is the first thought now. Most people I talked to thought the same thing.

Well, standing in my shower, I looked out the window that faces west and waited for "it".

"It" being the nuclear wave of destruction, or the EMP ripple, or some kind of blast that would destroy my building and leave me lying on the ground amongst the rubble... naked!

That was the terrifying thought! That I would be struggling around a destroyed city NAKED.

Never mind that if it was nuclear I would be a shadow on the wall, and EMP wouldn't destroy the building, I had a real and present danger... nudity.

I can see myself rising amongst the ruin, grabbing a small chunck of concrete and placing it, like a pillow in a sex comedy, over my groin for manueverability.

Another friend told me he was on the shitter when it happened. I felt for him. As vulnerable as you are in the shower or having sex, due to the nakedness, they are way better than the vulnerability one has on the crapper. First of all, your pants are around you ankles, so there is no chance of a quick run. You are self manacled. Second, you now have an unstoppable appendage growing out of the rear side. One that could make survival awkward.

Yeah, as bad as I had it facing life in the shower, he was up shit's creek.

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Had a thought the other night, thought I would share.

Remember the old Muppet show? Now coming out on DVD. Well, I realized, as a kid, I loved that show, and it occurred to me that I had thought something while watching it.

I had always wished to be Gonzo, but was afraid I was Kermit, but really I was Fozzie.

Ponder the ramifications of that. waka waka

This isn't my problem

Some friends invited me to dinner.

They are a couple whom I met through my wife. The two ladies took a class together, and they were new to the area, so we hung out. The guy is great, but he is a bit shy and has had a tough time making friends, so our wives really tried to get us together quite often, because he liked me.

So, they were trying to reach out to me, to show that they can be both our friends now. They didn't invite her. She found out, and came.

I have no problem seeing her or bumping into her, and I think the same goes for her. At least, she tells me she has no problem with it. So, her being at the dinner wouldn't bother me.

Others can't quite get their heads around that. Divorced people, as a rule, generally don't get along, so I can understand their reasoning. Plus, my wife and I have decided in order to try and create a friendship, we have to remove ourselves from our love, and become new independent people. So, we are going to try and take this upcoming year, and not actively seek out each other's company.

You can see why it is tough trying to maintain a friendship with both.

So, she came to the dinner, and they called me to tell me she would be there, and I called them and said, it is fine, and they said come on by, and they told her I was coming.

I guess telling her didn't go so well. I think she overreacted. I'm sure the matter was handled far more delicately than either of us would ever want to be a part of, but nevertheless, she probably got pissed, then hurt, then sad. I'm told, she left.

When I was told that, my first thought was sadness for her. I wanted to call her and make sure she is ok.

She has always had trouble making friends. She has always desperately wanted that to be easy, but it isn't. It is for me. She always wished she could have it as easy as I do. She would always say she thought that most of our friends were only our friends because of me. She didn't think anyone really liked her. I always told her that was not true.

Lately, I've come to believe her. Most people never contacted her after we split. People invite me to things, and not her. Some people still don't talk to her. Some of them were even her friend before becoming mine. I just know that this is tearing her up. It kills me.

There is nothing I can do.

The best thing for her would be to either realize this, feel the pain, then move on to people who will actually be her friends. That, or reconcile for herself these relationships, so that they become her friends too.

I wonder sometimes, what we think we are going to do when this year is up, and we have been successfull in creating independent lives, and being ok with each other, and then we start to hang with the GROUP, and they can't let the past go. I don't imagine it going well.

I'm pretty sure I can navigate it, but that is easy coming from the one who people seem to like.

I so badly want to fix this for her, but even if we were still together, I couldn't. It just isn't my problem anymore. That sounds cold, but it is reality.

I forgot

By the way, I just realized that today is Sept. 11.

I had totally forgotten. What a great, and horrible thing.

Great that it is finally starting to be that tremendous event in history, not recent memory. That sense of closure and moving forward. None of these words are really expressing what I am tyring to say. I guess just a sense of removal from tragedy.

Horrible because I truly forgot. Rather than remembering, and thinking, wow, that is past, I just plain forgot. Not for long, one look at the calendar, and I knew what was what.

Looking at the sentence from above, removal from tragedy, just made me think what the fuck am I talking about? My Time magazine sits here with the very word tragedy on the cover. Katrina is still a headline of horror. The court system is looking to be more and more like the reason I move to Canada. Bush still has the capability of speech, which is always a tragedy. Iraq, ugh. Tsunami is mentioned often, and that isn't yet even cleared up, in fact I just read that there was a huge earthquake in Aceh. My friend is in Africa, and when I think of her, the whole continent's problems come to mind.

Those are only the big things. I personally am still without my car, looking at a huge bill, being an emotional wreck as I pull away from one girl, and an emotional nervous wreck as I can help pushing towards another girl.

Man, I almost wish I had still forgotten.

I'm no Hunter

Sat and had a couple of drinks with a friend last night. He told me to be careful. I'm no hunter.

To catch you up, here is what happened.

My show went well. Really well. We have a great group of characters, and a lot of our regular audience came back to watch the opening. I feel myself like I had a tremendous show. Which is good cause the people at ACME are really focusing on me now. I can tell.

During the show, I notice that the girl is there by herself. That's a sign.

Afterwards, we had to take pictures, so I told her to meet my group, and hang out and have drinks til I got there.

Sitting in the bar with all of them, I believe it was obvious what was going on. My friend from last night said he could see that both of us were interested in the other. He had no idea about the previous night. He was so reading the energy, that while at the bar, he slipped me a mint under the table. Now is that a wing man, or what!

We stayed at the bar awhile, and then went to a cast party. The whole time, at both places, people were wanting to talk to me about how well the show went. I would talk with them, and I would be charming funny guy, and then I would return to my group.

Everytime that happened, this girl would get a bit peeved, and say go on and hit on her if you want.

I started thinking, my God, I haven't even kissed you yet, and you are acting like a jealous girlfriend.

When the night was ending, I walked her to her car. She started the conversation out with, We aren't making out.

OK

I figured she meant it, but I couldn't help hearing the implied, TONIGHT.

That was that.

Last night, as my friend and I talked about that, he said, You know that you are still married, right?

That took me by surprise. He then explained that, not only legally, but mentally, he felt like I was still married, and that maybe now is not the best time to be getting involved.

I told him I had no intention of having a relationship right now.

He then asked, well what is going on with that girl? He said it was obvious to him that she is shopping for a boyfriend. Not casual, permanent.

He asked if I had what it takes to use her, and knowing that it will hurt her, break it off?

I didn't say anything. This whole time, all I could focus on was the fact that I might be able to kiss someone. Seriously, my thougths were that innocent and shallow. No thought to what the consequences of a kiss might be. No thought to what I wanted after the kiss.

He said that as long as he has known me, I always give my heart. He then said, I couldn't and shouldn't do that right now. I am no hunter. This prey I must let go.

Can I stop what may already be in motion? Why can I not stop thinking about the kiss? Why am I still not thinking about the after?

Selfish.

Faster Than a Cannonball

Listening to Oasis. Champagne Supernova.

Whenever my wife would hear this song when it was on the radio, she told me she would think of me and my good friend. We two were high quite a bit, and then when I met my wife, I quit.

So, in the song when he says, Where were you when we were getting high, she would think of me asking that.

Which is funny, because while I was getting high, before I met her, I used to wander around Chicago, and wonder where my "wife" was at that moment. That is, I used to wonder where a person I hadn't yet met was. I wondered if I already knew her and didn't know it yet. As it turned out, while I was thinking that, she was in Kansas City. We met a month after she moved to Chicago.

Today, she asked if she could come to my show. I told her no. Then a tremendous wave of sadness came over me. She never asked to come while we were together. Why not? I sure wish she would have. Now, it's too late and too awkward. After telling her no, I changed my mind and said yes, but not for awhile.

When she left, she said she was afraid I was becoming bitter. Some comments I made, and my assumed rage led her to think this. I started to cry when she said that. I don't want to be bitter. Not about love, and not about acting. Sometimes, I fear that it is all too easy and possible. I think that is why her saying that affected me so.

She said that it was ok for me to be angry at her if I needed. I think there is some good to that sentence, but I just can't find my way there. I think also, that once I do find that spot, I will notice an extreme amount of anger at myself living there as well.

Who wants to visit that?

Went for an hour and a half walk today to try and transition from sad, angry to excited, happy for the show. Thank God for that iPod. It is heaven to walk to. The Postal Service, Sugar, Tom Waits, and The Handsome Family all kept me company. When Gorillaz showed up, that got things going.

I keep surfing for something awe inspiring to read. Whether the net or on blogs, I want something to hit me emotionally. I hope that maybe this does it for anyone hopping about and landing on mine. Most blogs are religious folks thanking God for this and that. Or it's kids writing about how this sucks or that person is so hated. Sometimes you get the crazy non linear ones that are fun to read, but they don't give you any sense of connect.

I think I'm searching for that because I hate to be alone. This place is just so empty, and the cat is not a good conversationalist. I find myself pacing a lot in the apartment, I think because I am looking for someone. Again, music sure helps keep you company. That is, until a great song comes on, and emotion bursts out of you, and you jump up, and want to just share. Before I would drag her out of her studio and make her dance with me. I miss that.

Found a site that predicts how your love life will survive by using numerology. You type in your full names and it does the addition and prediction. My wife and I had a 95% chance of working out. My parents, who are going on their 38th year of marriage, only had a 39% chance. So much for that site.

Would really love to hold someone right now.

Touch, connection, sharing thoughts and feelings, caressing and seducing.

These are a few of my favorite things.

Rage is one letter away from my last name

I think maybe, just maybe, I might have rage issues.

Sounds kind of funny from a sweetheart like me, but there it is. Fuck you if you disagree.

A friend told me that a while back, when, after a jerk cut me off, I spun my tiny car around and cut him off the road, placing my car in front of his, and got out of my car and berated the man. I do believe spittle could be seen flying from my mouth. I'm not so pretty, but spittle ain't going to help none.

Then last night, I tried to get some McDonalds. Not a huge fan, but I don't have any food in the house, and I don't have a car, and I don't have more than 8 bucks right now, so McSwill is the cheapest, closest thing.

Well, it was 5 to 11, and they close at 11, with drive through until midnight. But, the doors were locked. I tried to signal someone, but they all conveniently couldn't hear my knocking. So, I walked around to the drive through, but they wouldn't recognize me as a car. Ironic, since I am actually just a whisper smaller than my actual car. So, I see a girl worker smoking and I approach her and say, isn't there anyway I could get some food? She looks at me all smug, and says the dining room is closed. Then she takes a drag and looks away, like I'm dismissed.

RAGE RAGE RAGE RAGE

Look, I work in customer service and I have to bend backwards for these rich spoiled fucks, so goddamn it, someone better bend for me.

So, I say, ah come on. You're still selling and I want it to go.

She says, get someone in a car to order for you. Puff.

I said, are you kidding.

She says, I'm sorry. With that little smile that says, but you really know I'm not!

So, I start calmly by saying, nice customer service. Just that somewhere around customer I started to yell, and after the word service I think I added the word bitch.

How pathetic. Me, 37 years old, yelling at a McDonalds "who cares about work" employee.

Then today, my wife and I are splitting all the bills and finances, and I call SBC to just change the name on the account from hers to mine, nothing more, same account. They tell me because I have Earthlink, and there is line sharing, I have to disconnect Earthlink before they can change the name. What?!?!?!

Ridiculous. I say that is unacceptable. She says there is nothing she can do. I say give me to your superior. She says no one here can do anything else for you. I say give me to your superior. She says even if it was SBC, I would have to disconnect.

RAGE RAGE RAGE RAGE

I start yelling how this is indeed NOT excellent service, which when she greeted me she asked how she could give me excellent service today.

She says over and over it is because of line sharing. "They" won't let her do it. I ask to speak to "they". She says "they" aren't anyone, "they" just won't let her do it.

I told her that was the stupidest thing anyone could ever say, and could I please talk to a superior, because she just can't help me.

She says someone will have to call me back. Then says could she have a number where I could be reached.

I told her that she has my phone number, and she just asked for my cell number, and I gave her that number, so why doesn't she use the power of deduction, and try and figure out WHERE I CAN BE REACHED!

My wife said she thinks I have rage issues.

What do you think? Huh? What!!!?

Fuck Me duex

Went out today to drive to a meeting, and I noticed that when I pulled out last night, that scraping sound I thought I heard was me ripping out my front right headlight.

That will cost me about $200. What a price to pay for feeling inadequate.

So, I turned the car over to the mechanic, and here I sit.

The ants have returned. I hate the ants. They walk all over everything, and they killed my cat last year.

For those who don't know, when I sprayed ant spray last year(which I had been doing for years), my youngest cat got asphyxiated by the poison and died. I blame the ants.

Still haven't gotten over the grief and guilt of that one, but it is managable. Now, the ants are back, and it reminds me, and I want to kill all of them, and I don't want to kill my other cat, and my fucking head hurts!

Hello to the French guy who told me his story about kissing. I think he is my first real comment. The others seem like form, mass mails. I looked at your picture dude. Nice panache.

Well. Whatever.

Fuck Me

I feel like an absolute idiot.

Tonight, after work, I sat with a few others drinking.

Not much, but I felt like going when everyone was done. I talked one girl into still drinking. She said let's go to her place and have margaritas. OK.

Now, I should tell you this is the girl who I had the pretend date with. Which means, I think she is pretty, and I think she thinks nothing of me.

We got to her place and all was cool. We made drinks, and we talked. I cracked her up. We talked about rooms in her place. I told her she should switch bedrooms, and I think I convinced her.

We sat on opposite couches. That was fine, but after a couple of drinks, I started feeling different.

To be fair, the reason I felt different is, my friend told me recently that he thought I should start kissing more girls. It sounds ridiculous, but he was serious. He said that kissing girls, sometimes when you aren't sure they want you to, is what really leads to anything. I think, for the most part, he is right. I mean, sure, sometimes you are going to find that the girl is not on the same page. However, most times, the girl will be into kissing, because if you feel like kissing her, she probably feels like kissing you.

So, that is running through my brain, and all I think is, I want to kiss you. Nothing more. Seriously, all I thought was I want to kiss you. I started to zone out on the conversation, because all I could focus on was her lips. Then, I decided to make my move.

So, when we were talking about veins in our arms, I moved over to her couch.

In hindsight, the first sign that I should have just kissed her was the ridiculous conversation we were having. That is always the sign that she is trying just as hard as you to keep things going.

Well, after I moved the conversation just kept going. I couldn't bring myself to kiss her, because I was scared she would just pull away and look at me like, what the fuck are you doing!?

I should have done it anyway. I should have just kissed her. I will think about that for several days now. That will haunt me for some time.

Still, I didn't. We talked. I ran out of liquor to drink. She tried to drink hers. I couldn't tell if she was drinking to finish so she could get rid of me, or pounding out of the confusion of what to do while she was waiting for me to do something.

At one point, she put her hand on my knee. Only briefly, but still it made me wonder if it was a sign. I tried to move my knee closer to hers so that they were pressing against each other, but she didn't press back. I kept telling myself, that the fact that I was sitting on the same couch was most likely a sign to go ahead. Still, I talked.

Then, she got up to go to the bathroom. I told myself, if she sat down back on the same couch then THAT was the sign. I would kiss her. If she sat on the opposite couch, then I would leave. What did she do? She stood between both couches, and asked if I wanted to crash on her couch. I went with the negative side of my bet, and said it was time to leave.

What an ass.

I really shouldn't be as hard on myself as this. There is always another time. It is just that, I really wanted to kiss her tonight, and I really just should have, despite the results. I should have done it for me, not for what might have happened had I done it.

Driving home, I thought, why didn't I just say, I want to kiss you.

The answer: because that is lame. If you want that answer, than kiss her and get it. If you ask, you are a coward.

Well, I will now go to sleep hating myself. Not the first time, but this one does burn a bit more than usual. I should have all of these lessons figured out by now.

This is going to be a bitch. Isn't it?

Two teeth stories

Just finished using my new electric toothbrush.

First of all, I know what you are thiking. One something in the afternoon, and he is only brushing now! No. I brush immediately upon rising, but I do my serious floss and poke and brush in the afternoon. That's how my jaw is becoming unhinged.

Anyway, all the know it alls have been telling me electric is the way to go. Apparently, I also need to do this because I am eroding my teeth by brushing too hard.

Take that all you big tough guys. I'm so macho crazy strong, I am brushing my own teeth away.

Well, the know it alls said that this wouldn't happen with an electric.

I have had this electric for a couple of weeks, but have been reluctant to use it.

First of all, I used to have one, but I never felt like it was doing the job. It seems so light to the touch. I have to get rid of a pot of coffee stains a day! Plus, I was always freaked out that in putting water on the paste (something I just must do! How do people brush dry?), I thought that I might electrocute myself. Now, I can't think of a good way to die, but having people say you died brushing your teeth is certainly not the story I want told.

Second, those goddamn things look like medical dildos. What a stupid design. I have to stare at my face in a goddamn mirror for two minutes( four thirty second intervals, one minute outer, top and bottom, one minute inner, top and bottom), while I give head to Marcus Welby's dreamt up dingus! It makes me not only NOT want to brush my teeth, but it also makes me feel very inadequate sexually. I don't think I give good head. I gag. Not that I would ever WANT to give head, but when you are staring at yourself doing the act for TWO minutes, it makes your mind wander, and I do tend to take pride in all that I do.

Third, in order to complete the required two minutes, and in all the locations needed, you keep your mouth open and paste flowing for much longer than that area is equipped for. It results in quite a flow of liquidy paste down the front. Not knowing this was going to happen, I now have a tremendous white stripe down my nice red t-shirt. Then, when I realized the leak was a side effect, I leaned in close to the mirror to be over the sink, only to get a better shot of my porno audition. That and with the white liquid flowing, out the comparison only became more real. I look like some x-rated renaissance fountain that all the boy doctors like to visit.

I have to do THIS every day! Oh, come on!

Too many teeth

For about two weeks now, my jaw has been sore. It could be stress. I don't know.

It feels like my lower jaw fell out of place. Whenever I close my mouth, and the molars rest on each other, the muscles in my jaw tighten, like they are pulling the lower back into place to make the fit. The natural state of comfort now is to have my mouth open with the lower just a bit forward. Like some slack jawed dunderhead.

Ah, ok, boss, you know wat's best. I just wanna pet the lil doggy.

(That was my inner monologue of a slack jawed dunderhead. Kind of like Lenny from Mice and Men.)

So, this has me freaked out. Now, like I said, it could just be stress, and I think that my jaw doesn't fit anymore. Or it actually fell out of place. I just recently went to the dentist for the first time in many years, and in order to take the necessary x-rays, they manipulated me in horrible ways that can't be recounted in the presence of children. That might of unhinged me. Or maybe it is my new found aggresive technique to flossing that has my chopper swinging wide. Either way, it is distressing.

The problem lies in my imagination. I can forsee the only solutions being either two years of braces, at the low one time cost of thousands of dollars. That or the medical practice of breaking my jaw bone and resetting it in the proper place. Also very expensive, and the added downside of being only able to eat blended foods for months.

Probably the former.

It is the thousands of dollars part of that scenario that makes me reluctant to get help. Last night I felt the tightness and came up with a new way to alleviate the pain. I close my mouth and then stick both my hands into my mouth between the teeth and cheeks. Then I rub and push until everything is numb. Of course, I did this while driving 65 down the freeway. That means, since both hands were required, that I steered with my knees. Also, let's not forget I drive stick. I won't even begin to tell you what I used to shift.

That is the sort of scenario that would drive my wife crazy. She would get so upset at me that I would be going to these Ralph Kramden extremes rather than just go and pay for some doctoral relief. Hey, I think it is charming. America loves guys who fly down freeways with both their mitts shoved into their jaw. If I had filmed it, I could right now save the slumping box office.

Besides, there is so much stuff I want and need to buy, that I still don't have money for yet. Stuff I need before the roomie moves in, and stuff that would just make life easier. I'm not mentioning specifics now that I know there are several people out there who were considering the purchase of a coffee maker.

You are all very sweet, but let me space out my taking advantage of you, so that it isn't a pressing thought in my own mind.

I have enough internal pressing right now.

An odd box of thoughts.

Well, acolytes, I'm back.

Had a nice time with my old friend. It was interesting hanging with him. We had not had an opportunity to express ideas this freely in a long time. We still disagree very much on things, but we bring an overriding sense of values to every thought, and that is what keeps us together.

He can be very negative about himself. Something that was driving me nuts. He points out all of his flaws, from all through his life, and all I want to say is, The only flaw you have is that you think you are flawed.

We are probably very similiar like that. I'm always pointing out what I perceive as spotty in my character or body, and people roll their eyes at me. I used to think they were just blind, but being on the other end was unique. I wonder if it has to do with where we grew up. Our families were polar opposites, but we had the same enviromental experiences. Hmmh.

We mostly did touristy stuff. He hasn't been to LA since he was 13. That kind of annoyed me, but I don't like crowds, and I hate the schmarmy aspect of Hollywood as a gift. Plus, all the "characters" at the Chinese Theatre look like drug addicts in costume. I saw track marks on Marilyn, and Mr. Incredible kept touching my ass!

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I was overjoyed to see that I had comments on my last post. Then I looked at them, and they seem like mass mail form letter posts. I don't know if they are, because the other blogs I read don't have the mass mail comment, but who knows. I guess it would be cool to have someone I don't know from atom(adam?) be reading this, hearing what their perception of this is. If not, though, no big deal.

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Also, found out my next character for the soap opera will be Nat, my jazzman. I was really glad it was him. I loved Irving, my other guy, but I couldn't stop thinking about Nat. I guess I have a crush. I hope that goes well. It starts this Friday, and it will be a welcome relief to do a fun show again. Last week, some couple kept sighing and talking all through our show. Near the end they were making out. That is really tough competition. Hell, I would rather watch them fumble about their genitalia, than see me try to be an immigrant selling orgy's at a baseball game. Then again?

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I am a little peeved at a friend who for the last two weeks has said he was coming to my show, and then didn't show up. Hell, I don't care if you come or not, but don't yank me around like that. Ok, maybe something came up the first time, but then don't say anything the second time. Anyway, I think I will just gloss over it and not mention it, because I feel like our friendship is a little rocky anyway. I love him, and we have fun and all, but I am realizing that we think differently on a lot of subjects, and that is a strain.

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Well, this has been random. I guess that is all that is kicking around up in me. Now the future is all acting and incorporating the new roomie and his dog. Sometimes, I look in the eyes of my cat, two big black almond orbs full of trust and love, and I feel guilty like I have a horrible secret and I won't let him in on it. I hope moving this dog in doesn't destroy his life. I don't mean that the dog will kill him. I certainly don't hope for that. I mean, that he won't go into hiding and be all limited the rest of his life. He likes to roam and lord over the house, and he should be able to.

We'll see.

Bretheren, We Do Pray

My friend is coming to town. He and I have been friends for the longest amount of time of any of my friends. We met when we were both 14 years old. Shit, that is 23 years!

He was my first real mature friend. Which is not to say that we were mature, just that we were semi-adults with the feelings and thoughts that comes with that. All prior friend's commonalities were limited to Star Wars, and roaming in packs so we wouldn't be beaten.

He was like a brother to me. More so than my actual brother. He was number 11 of a family of 13 children. Oh, how I wanted to be a part of that family. Actually, in a way, I did become a part, but not like I so desired as a kid.

He was the one who introduced me to religion. It didn't take. However, his parents were the only non-hypocritical religious people I ever met. When ever I think about finding spirituality, I think of them.

He was the one who introduced me to world affairs. My family was not a group of news watchers, and geography was never my parents strong suit. He cared so much about the poor and the downtrodden, that I eventually started to take it all in. He once accused me of not being very deep, and that stung so much, that I have been trying to rectify that for a long time. For the record, he doesn't believe he ever said that, and tells me to this day that he doesn't think I'm shallow.

He always had some big issue, mostly girls. He was very dramatic about it all. Still is.

I was his best man, in the Czech Replublic no less!

Now, it will be just him and I. That hasn't happened in I don't know how long. He has been married ten years, and has three lovely daughters, so he doesn't have much of a personal life anymore. That's just the way he loves it.

He gave me my nickname of Mario. He always calls me brother.

It will be good to spend the next few days with him.

A Quarter to Three

I'm feeling very alone tonight.

It is a quarter to three in the morning, and that isn't a problem for me. I just came from a friend's going away party, and it was a small group of long time couples. I was jokey, and seemed to have a good time, but at one point I had one of those out of body experiences where everyone seems to be a living map of where they have been and where they are going. Don't ask. These are my thoughts, I don't know if I can explain.

Anyway, it seemed rather sad, actually. The relationships I see as very fragile and don't really take much comfort in them. The levels of achievement are typical American. Got it good, want it better. The personal happiness is varied, but no one shines so bright that you can't help but notice.

Leaving the party, I thought about the conversation with my wife, and paths in life, and choices made for the right reasons, and the regret that comes with those choices.

I, too, wondered if this is the right thing. I know nothing has to be permanent forever, but it would seem to be so fucking silly if our lives ever came back together.

I heard someone talk today about their "new" girlfriend. It was inspiring to hear that excitement and joy. I will look forward to that. Maybe then, all the fragility washes away, and the paths don't seem so random and lost, and the personal happiness comes out more in the quiet private moments.

That's a nice thought to end the night with.

Good night. Hopefully. I'm not tired yet.

Please Save Preservation Hall

Back in '97, I went to New Orleans with my wife for a week. We visited all over the city, plenty in the French Quarter, but out to Lake Ponchatrain, and rode out to the zoo too. It was a beautiful city. So old, and yet very quaint. It felt like an old suburb that somehow got lucky enough to get some class. The people were so sweet, and ironically, always told us repeatedly to watch out for them. They were warning us about how slick and dangerous New Orleans' residents could be, but they all were so kind in telling us the info, I found it hysterical.

Most of the time, at night, we went to the Preservation Hall to watch jazz. Really old players who could knock out some of the slamminest ragtime I have ever heard. The hall is just a tiny room off of an alley. No drinking, no eating, no pictures, hell, for the most part, no chairs. It would be packed every night. Two dollar tip got you a request, five dollars if you wanted "The Saints Come Marching In".

Please, please, save the hall. I have always dreamt of returning one day, and I sure hope that is still possible.

Big disasters like this always make me feel small. It is hard to write about yourself when you keep focusing on the fact that everyone who lived there, EVERYONE, won't be able to get back to their shredded life for at least a couple of months!

But I will try.

Last night I got a call from my wife. She is starting to doubt. I think that because she moved out, and didn't really have any possessions, she was always focused on getting her things back, and making a normal life. Now that she has those things, she is realizing that they don't provide the normal life she was waiting for. That is making her long for our marriage.

I think she is just lonely, and afraid that she will be alone forever. If she could get past those, then she would be fine. I told her as much last night. She seemed to agree, but I can tell that deep down inside of her, there is still some shred of a thought that maybe we can work it out.

I think I am past that point. I don't think going back is ever really healthy. I have always hated it. Plus, I think going back because it is comfortable and safe is really stupid. I wouldn't rule out ever having a relationship with a former lover, but it would have to be new, and based on moving forward, not recapturing something that is no more.

I think once school really gets going, she will forget these thoughts, and dive into what really matters to her. What really only ever mattered to her. I think that's best.

Life.

Such a mess, and often miserable. The joy is good, and for most, far too infrequent. The constant struggle for what you need, and what you want, and what you dream. The agony of loving others and trying to keep them happy, and healthy, when you can't really do that. All of it is hard wired to not work, to make us hate it all. Yet, we come to moments of danger or death, and instantly kick into I want to live mode.

What a strange brew. I have panic attacks sometimes driving on the freeway. A person will swerve or hit the brakes real fast, and I will imagine them losing control and crashing into my car. My tiny, ain't gonna save you car. My heart starts beating wildly, and I grip the wheel tighter. All I can think is, please don't let this be over. Please let me struggle some more.

I really wish I could give that thought to everyone.