A Quarter to Three

I'm feeling very alone tonight.

It is a quarter to three in the morning, and that isn't a problem for me. I just came from a friend's going away party, and it was a small group of long time couples. I was jokey, and seemed to have a good time, but at one point I had one of those out of body experiences where everyone seems to be a living map of where they have been and where they are going. Don't ask. These are my thoughts, I don't know if I can explain.

Anyway, it seemed rather sad, actually. The relationships I see as very fragile and don't really take much comfort in them. The levels of achievement are typical American. Got it good, want it better. The personal happiness is varied, but no one shines so bright that you can't help but notice.

Leaving the party, I thought about the conversation with my wife, and paths in life, and choices made for the right reasons, and the regret that comes with those choices.

I, too, wondered if this is the right thing. I know nothing has to be permanent forever, but it would seem to be so fucking silly if our lives ever came back together.

I heard someone talk today about their "new" girlfriend. It was inspiring to hear that excitement and joy. I will look forward to that. Maybe then, all the fragility washes away, and the paths don't seem so random and lost, and the personal happiness comes out more in the quiet private moments.

That's a nice thought to end the night with.

Good night. Hopefully. I'm not tired yet.