Must...type...words... and...express...feelings

I really need coffee.

I find that over the past couple of days, my first two hours are me sitting on the couch staring off into space, trying to think of a single topic, but generally losing said topic only to find that I have been thinking of nothing.

That's when I head out of the house, and go get the coffee. Then I can think.

Why don't I just get up right now, and go buy a coffee maker? I know that some day this is exactly what will happen. I need the maker. I want the maker. I will have the maker.

Yet, my weird brain will not let me go purchase it. I think I am too poor. The funny thing is, I really AM too poor, but that doesn't mean I can't buy a coffee maker. It means I shouldn't buy costumes for characters who I may never play. It means rather than tucking away money for a comedy class, I should maybe think about tucking it away for rent.

It means that maybe I should not go to movies, like I did Monday night, and like I plan to do Friday night before my show.

It means that maybe I should not take next weekend off when my friend is in town, a circumstance that will both make me not earn, and at the same time spend. Oh, and I plan to take him to a movie!

You see, all of those I can do with little thought. I saw one movie because I was depressed and wanted escape. I will see another because everyone has told me about it and it is not on video and a revival house is playing it this Friday.

I keep buying costumes because they make me believe in myself, and so does the class I can't afford.

My friend coming to town is a friend I have known since I was 15. That is 22 years, and I want to show him a great silent movie house where a 94 year old man plays accompaniment.

All of those are good reasons, I guess. It would help if I could do all of those good reasoned things, and still make rent, or, say, go buy a simple staple of life, like, oh, I don't know, a coffee maker! That would be nice.

Part of my theory of life though, at least lately, is tied to the whole "do what you love and the money will follow." I am blindly doing things that might not be reasonable to the think things out type of person. Some of the people at work tell me they worry about me. They think I am on a slippery slope. I might be. I might just be writing in a year from debtor's prison.

Even the casual tossing off of my marriage is somehow connected to this do it and the results will follow. Hell, I just decided that life would get better, and chucked it all. Nothing really tells me that that was an educated decision. I have no proof that results like this have happened for others, and that maybe, if I play cards right, they will happen for me.

I just did it. Thanks Nike. You are my corporate muse now.

We'll see if I am enlightened or not.

It's like a little joke I tell customers at work. When I introduce myself, I tell them if they have any questions to please ask me. Some smart ass invariably says, Is that about the menu, or life in general. I then, in all seriousness, turn to said smarty and say, Oh, that can be about life, sir. As you can tell by the fact that I am wearing an apron for a living, I have it ALL figured out. They kind of laugh, and then go uncomfortably silent as the smell of the bitter descends upon them.

Yes, indeed, I have it ALL figured out.