Inflexible

The meaning of the word is unyielding, rigid.

It is also the attitude of the doctor.

Today, I went to get my knee checked. My flexibility is such, that he said running a marathon will do terrible damage. Maybe not now, but enough now to really, really hurt when I'm old.

I kept trying to get around the premise of not running, but he always returned to it. Finally, after being worn down, like my knee ligament, he said I may be able to do one if I take yoga for a year. Just not the one this December. After some combat, he left me with some stretches to do for three weeks, and then I go back to him.

So, I think the running has ended.

I don't know if it has set in yet. What a dream, only just begun, now maybe gone.

Ironically, during my visit, my phone rang. I ignored it, and when I got out of the building, I checked to see who was calling. It was TO.

She was calling to chat. She said she misses me, and doesn't ever get to talk with me anymore.

I called her back, and we talked for a half hour, and then went to lunch with another of our running group.

It was great.

The funny thing was during the past few days, mostly on the long drives to and from Vegas, I was assessing the situation, and convincing myself the best thing is to give it all up. I just didn't see her relationship ending, and I just don't want to be a guy in the wings.

I don't know if what happened today does change anything, but I think I will return to the motto let it be, let it go. Therefore, trying to be present with what may come, but not holding in a pattern that won't go anywhere.

Flexible.

Unlike my body. And my doc.

What Happens There Is Going To Come Back

I'm off to Vegas for another run with the mystery show. Leave in the morning (morning, ha, less than eight hours from now I need to be on the van) and don't come back until late Thursday.

Should be an easy trip. Drive, eat, act, drink, sleep, eat, drive, home.

It is the group that is going to Bosnia in a couple of weeks, so we will see how we do on the road together. I think we will be fine, but it is funny how some people just get different.

Otherwise, nothin else a cookin.

Right when I get back. Yeah, write.

Responsibility

I think I am a bad actor.

There are business things I should have done, or should be doing, that I am not, and that makes me a bad boy.

First, the worst, is with the commercial agent. It was a month ago that he said he would take me, and I still have not gotten my pictures to him.

He probably has forgotten about me. Or, worse, remembers me, but gave up on me.

It took me two weeks to get the new pictures reproduced, then a week to email his office for the letterhead, then a week to sit down and attach the new resume to my headshots, and that was a week ago, almost.

I leave for Vegas tomorrow and don't come back until Thurs night, so it might as well have been a week.

SS asked me today how that was going, and I kind of fibbed. I didn't want to come off as a jerky flake of an actor to him, for many reasons, but because I'm trying to get a job from him, and he was the one who went on the line for me with this agent.

Then, SS was talking to the students about all the things they should be doing as actors, and I am not doing any of these.

Sheesh.

I guess I really do just expect someone to hand it to me on a platter. I swear when I get back from Vegas, I'm going to get on the ball with this.

Yeah. Sure. You bet.

Good news. My knee feels totally fine. I'm sure it isn't, but it must mean that the injury is not super serious, and if I can just correct what I am doing wrong, I should be able to still do this.

We'll see what the doc says on Friday. The day I get back on the ball. Or on my feet. Whatever analogy fits; he's a sports doctor.

Positivity

I am trying to turn around my outlook.

Positive! Got to be positive!

I made an appointment with a sports doc for this coming Friday. Yeah, health insurance! God, I hope you cover most of it.

Most all of what I am reading seems to lean toward IT Band, which is not serious. There is potential for a couple other things, but let's wait and see.

Otherwise, not much else today. Trying to memorize for the sketch lab show next week. I have five scripts that I need memorized by tomorrow night. I have two down, and I leave for work in a half hour. Yikes.

What am I doing writing in here? Idiot.

Oh, it will be all right. Everything will be just fine. All right. No problems. Good as gold. Right as rain.

Injured

Yesterday, I had rehearsal with my improv group.

I haven't really felt "on" in rehearsals, but have let it slide because I view it like class, and told myself that class is the place to fail.

Yesterday, though, we discussed the next show. The one I would be eligible for. Turns out, unlike in the old company, this show won't be precast ahead of time. Now, we have to bring in characters, and audition them against one another.

I must admit, I feel slightly intimidated by them. They are all really confident, skilled, and hilarious improvisers.

I'm sure I just need to relax and trust myself, but it is a bit daunting.

Then, today, I went for the big run.

My group meets on Sundays and we run long miles. Today was set for six. I really wanted to do this.

Got out of work late last night. Didn't get home until 1am and then I set my alarm for 6am. Couldn't fall asleep, and ended up getting very little sleep.

Still, I got up. I am dedicated. I want to do this.

Got with my group, and we started to run. I felt great.

At mile 2, my knee started to act up.

I had had a bit of trouble with my knee. Little soreness. Then, the other day in one of my short maintenance runs, it hurt more, and for longer.

The next time I ran, I paid attention to it, and thought I had corrected it by increasing my stride. My knee didn't hurt that run.

Today, when I started to feel it, I tried to just increase my stride, and fully flex.

Wasn't working.

My knee seemed to get worse. The others were telling me to stop, but I downplayed the pain.

At almost mile 3, I couldn't anymore. I stopped running, and walked. The group walked with me, but they wanted to run. They decided to not do six - moral support for me- but they did run home. I walked.

I felt terrible.

I really wanted to do six.

I really want to be able to do this marathon.

I really can't afford an injury. Not now.

I was angry, and hurt, and embarrassed.

I was also walking with a terrible limp, and it was a long walk.

I felt lonely.

Then, I saw something that still makes me smile.

JP, the young guy that runs with us, was walking back towards me.

He came to walk with me. I couldn't believe how sweet that was.

We joked and walked back to the house we started at. I tried to get in my car and just leave, but he said the girls would be inside waiting to see me. They were.

TO made me an ice pack and told me to see a doctor, and maybe get a knee brace.

Then I came home.

My knee still hurts, and I limp and have trouble bending it.

Grrrrr.

The End is Nigh

Got an email from X today.

I had told her about two months ago that I needed space, and not to contact me. She respected that.

Then, about 3 weeks ago, we ran into each other in the parking lot, and it was mucho weird.

Two weeks ago, I had to drop off a check at her house, and saw that she was there. So, to put things a bit more even keel, I knocked at her door, and we sat and talked. Simple chit chat. It was pleasant. I felt like we were in a better place.

Then, she emailed me. She wants to finish the paper work and finally end our marriage. She said it was weird to talk to me, and have me leave, and then realize that she was married to me.

Part of the reason we split up is that both of us respect the idea of marriage, and we didn't want what we were making to be our realization of that ideal. So, to that end, we are still degrading the idea of it by casually remaining married.

I agree, but it is hard.

I hate to admit it, but it really bugs me that she was able to get over it, and get better so quick. She did it better than I.

I am actually fine with ending the marriage. I think I was avoiding it more because of the tons of paper work than anything else really. Also, if things could work out, or had worked out, with TO, I'm sure there wouldn't really be much of a bother about X's progression.

Still. I guess I'm human. Frail. Emotional.

I think also I'm going to make a change here. I am no longer going to refer to her as X. I did it partly as a joke in the beginning, but now it doesn't read so funny. Plus, if we are truly moving into just a friendship, then I should follow precedent and refer to her like my other friends.

So, from now on she's NB.

Just NB.

The Murky Leap

I am in the full transitional phase, and it isn't pretty.

Yesterday, SS offered me a job. It is assiting him in a class he is teaching on Wednesday nights. He is actually going to pay me.

The good thing is, he is paying me about what I would make at the restaurant, so no trouble in taking the time off. However, in taking the time off, I will lose hours, and that will mean losing my health insurance eligibility.

That sucks.

Especially now, when I am starting to train for a marathon and everyone I talk to says just to prepare for the injury that will surely happen. Everyone gets injured. It's ok, and you will still run, but get ready.

So, I kind of need my insurance.

I know, I know, I could pick up a shift at the restaurant. Probably a day shift, which I just let go, because they suck and they suck, but it would keep my hours.

Grrr.

I want to keep my Fridays free, just so I have one day a week with nothing. So, that means either doing a double on Mondays, or picking up Wed or Thurs during the day and then rushing over to the studio to assist for the night.

They say that you should take the leap, and the bridge will appear. The thing is, it never actually looks like a bridge, so how do you know if it is the bridge or not.

It reminds me of a joke.

A town floods, and a man climbs onto his roof. He calls out to God for God to save him. He is positive God will save him.

I guy comes by rowing a boat, and asks if the guy would like to get in, but the guy says no. God will save him.

The water rises.

A helicopter swoops down, and the pilot asks if the guy wants a rope lowered to him. He says no. God will save him.

The water rises, and the guy drowns.

In heaven, he meets God, and he says, "God, I called out to you. Why didn't you save me?"

God says, " What? I sent a boat, I sent a helicopter, what do you want?"

I'm not sure why

I talked to KK today.

I saw him outside of class, as I was passing by on my way to work. I hadn't spoken with him since, so I thought I should call.

He seemed hurt, but capable.

I remember the feeling that he said he is having. The feeling of life is a dream, and you can't wait to wake up. Also, the sense that you are grieving now, for an animal, harder than you will ever grieve for a human. It all comes back so clear.

I told him I am stronger these days and to lean on me if he needs. I think that is true. We'll see.

He said to me something that took me by surprise. He said he and R had said the other night that they were thankful I was in their life.

Like I said, that surprised me.

I don't feel like I have given anything to either of them. In fact, I feel like I have taken so much from them over the last year. They became my go-to's. Now, as they need, I feel inadequate.

I would be happy to be a giver to them, and if they think I am, that is great. That means I'm doing something right, even though I don't know it.

I got up Saturday morning, after only four hours of sleep, and quite a bit of drinking, and a bit of smoke, and some deep sadness, and I met my group and ran four miles.

I think this running thing is going to be so helpful. The depression I was feeling for the loss, and the remembrance of my little guy and his death, all got washed away with the run. It clears the head. Probably the greatest effect this whole thing might have on me. Clearing the head.

I tried to get a hold of my father today, but missed him in the short time I had to make a phone call. It will be two years since I have seen him on Tuesday. Like I said the other night, loss makes you rethink things. I would like to be a better person for my family. It is hard when you are so far away, but I will try.

Speaking of rethinking things, I feel like my feelings for TO might be waning. Seeing her with her BF the past couple of days has really made me feel less than desired, and then putting the new perspective on things made me wonder if it is all worth it. It just feels like banging my head against a wall.

I said last week that I wanted to turn the corner. Maybe I was heard.

So awful

This evening did not go well.

The show ended, and everyone was in party mode. I left R to go get a glass of water and when I returned, the night had taken a horrible turn.

Her very sweet and extremely loved cat had passed.

I'm not sure yet how, but KK got home and called her with the news.

I cried when I took her home.

Not just because of my own loss and the ability to empathize with them, but also for the simple loss of a dear animal. One who I truly found special. So loving.

I don't feel I have anything adequate to say to them. I know too well what they are experiencing, but I also know that nothing helps.

Just time. Mostly.

A sense of nothingness is coming over me. I am pausing for very long times as I write this because it is painful.

A meaningless always accompanies death.

I hate it. I really hate it.

I sit here with my cat in my lap trying to love him more somehow tonight. It doesn't seem to be working. He is actually getting a little annoyed with my smothering.

I think I should end this. It is going nowhere that will do anyone any good.

Good night, Iggy. I loved you.

I Have The POWER

I must say, I feel great.

Running has really helped me. It has given me strength.

When I ran on Sunday, my lungs burned, I couldn't talk, and all day Sunday and Monday, my legs felt wobbly and abused.

When I ran on Tuesday, I did a better run walk ratio, I didn't get the burn in my lungs, I could talk, and by mid afternoon Tuesday, my legs were fine.

Wednesday, every time I walked, it felt like I was on top of these steel machines that were pile driving into the ground and taking me where I wanted to go.

When I ran on Thursday, I almost ran the entire thirty minutes. No walking, almost. I did a 15:1 ratio. I felt great afterwards. My legs recuperated almost immediately.

Walking around last night, I felt like a king. Add to all of this the fact that I still do my pushups and crunches before showers, and I feel something in my body that has never been there.

Strength.

I feel lean, and strong, and dare I say, sexy.

It feels great.

Today is a big day.

Tonight, I will perform the last of my improv soap operas.

The shining light in my life for the past 13 months ends tonight.

It is bittersweet.

I will get back to the format in August with the main company, but it will never be this show again, which is a looser, freer format.

Also, I could use a bit of a rest. Those words will most likely haunt me in about two weeks, when I feel like a rest is useless.

I have marveled at my growth over the four seasons.

At first, I was just trying to have fun and not be nervous.

Then, I tried to stretch myself and really put in some acting chops.

Then, I tried to just command my presence on stage and be ME up there. Allowing ME to be funny, as I am.

Then, I tried to move plot. Not always be the shining star on stage, but to be the supportive advancer of story for my fellow actors.

And tonight, it comes to a close.

I would really like for someone to acknowledge all of that. And no, R and K, I don't mean you.

I'm going to go and have fun, but I'll wager there is a tear in my eye when it is all said and done.

Got some news last night.

My spy in the house of love, BB, sat me down after his show to let me know something.

He said he had spoken to TO earlier that night.

Her BF is back from Paris, and he asked how things were. She said fine.

Later, she asked him if it looked like she had been crying. He said no, and asked why she had been crying.

She said she didn't want to talk about it. He said you brought it up.

She then asked him if he thought she was high maintenance. He said no, and asked her who told her that.

She wouldn't answer. He repeated that she was not high maintenance.

He predicts a swift demise. He said he is altering his timetable that he had told me, and bumping it up some.

When I was running on Thursday, trying to run the whole way, I would trick myself into going further before letting myself walk.

I would say, get to the end of the fence and you can walk then.

I would get to the end of the fence, and then say to myself, get to that truck and then you can walk.

Then, get to that stop sign, then get to the turn in the path. Always something just a bit further ahead.

At one point, I said get to the corner. Turn the corner. I was really breaking down, and had been doing this trick for a bit, so I knew that this was the final one.

Let me turn the corner, God, I yelled. Let me turn the corner.

Then, I expanded the concept.

Let me turn the corner, God, both here and with TO. Let me turn the corner.

I believe what I was saying was, let something either happen now, or let me get over this. I'm a bit tired of the pining away game. Let me turn the corner, God. Let me turn it now.

Maybe God heard.

Game show

Well, last night the studio put up another one of it's live game shows.

This was my second one as a performer, and this time, I was also the assistant director.

We do it in a theatre that has old vaudeville style windows in the back for the performers to open and speak out of. So me and SS choreographed an opening using vaudeville type jokes.

I looked up all the jokes. I assigned them to actors. I chose which windows they would look out of. SS was impressed with my work. Enough so that when all the actors met last night to rehearse before the show, he had me lead them. He easily could have taken all the info and make it seem like he came up with it.

The show itself went very well. Which is good, because we were taping it and SS is going to take it around to cable networks and try to sell it as a TV show.

I particularly had a good show.

I jumped in to do an improv scene. That kind of freaked me out. I don't know why I still get nervous doing improv, but I do. I shouldn't. I seem to do really well.

I was able to get out many jokes "in the moment" and that is really the whole trick.

My scene went well too. I got paired with a girl who is super talented, and who I trust very much. I like working with her.

We ran the scene out back during our four minutes, and just gave each other notes and encouragement. Then, we had fun, and held for laughs.

The judges gave us a 9 - 9 - 10.

Great score, but last time I got a 10 - 10 - 9.

Still, SS was the one to give the 10 this time and those don't come easy from him.

Afterwards, a lot of the students from the classes I assist were coming up to me shocked at how good I am.

I loved it. Just because I am kind of quiet in class, they just underestimated me. Well, now I just got a ton of respect from them. Ha!

Then, we all went to a bar.

There were some really cute girls there who kept telling me how good I was, and the devil inside me suddenly popped up and reared his head, along with my penis.

I was ready to "get some" but to my chagrin, so was everyone else.

I really hate the "hey look at me" game that guys fall into. Each of those cute girls had three guys surrounding them. That ain't my scene. So, I back off.

Seems like the right choice, until you find yourself suddenly at home alone.

eh.

Another Sea Change

Life, I think, gets very dramatic for me in mid June.

Last year, on this day, my wife moved out of the house.

Also, on this day, I took the day long intensive at the studio, and began that road, which is a possible long one.

Yesterday, I also did some things that could be impactfull on my life.

First, I ran three miles.

It nearly broke me down. I'm out of shape.

However, I did it.

I thought before I even hit mile one that I couldn't do this, but I stuck it out. I even pushed myself at the end, when I thought I might quit, to run faster, because I could see the finish line.

A young kid I was running with thought my speed push was a race, and started to run faster with me, challenging me. I not only kept up, I didn't let him pass me.

In that moment of break through, I felt exhilarated. I knew then that I was going to run this fucking marathon. That, and, I was going to be doing it for me.

Then, my next big thing was I went to church.

After the run, we were talking about the rest of our day. TO mentioned she was going to church with a friend, and I asked her if it was the church her and I had talked about. She said no, it was a new church, but remembering our conversation, she invited me along.

I said, Ok.

Then, due to a snafu, she called later and said they changed the service times, and she was going inside right now. I wouldn't be able to join her. She said the next service was at noon, but she couldn't go to that one. She apologized. I said don't worry.

Then, I went to the noon service by myself.

It is a hip, non denominational church, and they start off with a rock band and choir. I must say, for all the up with people feeling I was getting (not good), I did find the music quite good.

Then, the pastor came out. He was a guy not much older than me, and dressed just like me.

His sermon was really quite good. He made it very clear how it related to today's world, and even was funny.

There was a lot of talk about Jesus within you, and the greatness of worship, and I just don't get that. I tried to feel special by being there, and I really want some sort of spirituality inside me, but it wasn't working yesterday. Maybe over time that develops, or maybe I've gone too long for it to take root, but I think I will keep at it, and see what may come of it.

So, there's that.

Anyone else?

Dear Lord

It's me.

I am up at 6:30am on a Sunday.

That's your time, right?

I haven't seen this hour AFTER sleeping in quite some time.

Lord, I am about to go run.

Three miles, Lord.

They say that isn't a much, but I am not very in shape.

Lord, please help me with this task.

Don't allow me to cry at mile two.

Don't let the wee bit of coffee I've had kick into my bowels until I'm done running.

Don't let me sweat and wheeze like the old, ridiculous man that I am.

Do let me conduct myself with manly respect. For once in my life.

Do let the girl that I am obviously insane for recognize that I am obviously insane for her.

Do strike down her boyfriend. Ok, I don't mean that one. Just give him a temporary but disgusting rash.

Do let me get more out of this than I intend, and all that I intend.

I promise to go to church if you do. If you hook me up with the girl, I'll even bring her! That's a twofer Lord!

Do what is best Lord. What I believe is best. Let this wacky scheming life turn into a payoff.

Oh, and world peace, and all that. You know.

Thanks.

Amen.

So Close

I am so close I can taste it.

Things between TO and I sort of took a turn, I think.

The night before, as I said, we were talking. I was encouraging her to do the next soap, and discussing her character for it. I told her I wanted her to do it, because then she would fulfill the requirements and move up to the troupe I am in now. I told her I wanted her in that troupe with me.

We emailed yesterday further about her character. We both got really excited about it. She sent the email off to our director. He is hemming about it.

Then, last night, she was just so warm and always engaging me. She drank freely of my drink, and would touch me, and rub my back or squeeze my leg. There were signals all over the place.

Even when jokes about her boyfriend or other guys would come up, she would go with the joke, and then lean over and pat my leg, or squeeze it.

I was in heaven.

She even talked me into training with her to run the Las Vegas marathon. She wants me to do it. I guess I am getting up tomorrow and meeting her at 7am to run three miles.

Did you read that correctly?!

Me. 7am. Running! Miles!! 3 of them!!!

Then, she talked with BB, a good friend of mine. He always tells me she is crazy about me, and predicts we will be together.

They were having a serious conversation, and for a moment I thought he had been playing me earlier like a friend to figure out my moves and trump me.

I was ready to ask him if we are in competition, when he came over to me.

He leaned in and said he had been grilling her about her boyfriend to find out for me where things stand between them.

He said that apparently they didn't get along very well in Paris. Things are tough between them right now. She doesn't know what to do.

Then he said this:

The BF was trying to get into grad school over there and didn't get in. He is coming home this Wednesday.

THIS WEDNESDAY!

No.

I'm almost there!

Now it gets tricky.

Part of me needs to make things super clear for her. Yet, part of me says let it be, let it go.

Let it be, let it go seems to be working, but as a man I feel like being a bit more aggressive.

Also, you can't always sit back and wait. Sometimes waiting is just waiting for the right moment to act.

I don't know.

He'll probably be at next week's show, so that moment would be ruined. I would have to take my moment during the training.

Good God.

My moment is going to be at 7am on a Sunday morning!!!!!

Or, after I have just ran 3 miles!

Who is scheduling my life? I need someone else to do it, because whoever is giving me these time slots is NOT doing me any favors!

Blogger troubles

That is meant two ways.

Yesterday, Blogger was down, so I couldn't post.

And, I the blogger, was in a dilemma.

First, let me say, that doing two blogs is no easy piece of quiche.

The other one can't be private. The topics, at least the ones I frequently talk about here, are limited. And I'm trying to be funny to attract people to my site, and keep them coming.

That is a stretch. The good thing about it is, that is what I had hoped this one would be, but then immediately realized the benefit of using this as the diary or mental laboratory that it is.

[Evil scientist laugh goes here]

We'll see how it goes.

You know, I really am addicted to myspace. Everyone says that happens, but I think I'm addicted in a different way.

For me it isn't about who I can chat with or how many friends. What transfixes me is my friend page. I just like looking at my friends.

I've never had a page where all of my friends pictures were before. Plus, I can tell if they are online from the little antennae icon. I don't usually contact them, but I just like seeing them there, and occasionally knowing what they are doing.

I like my friends.

[Creepy stalking neighbor chuckle goes here]

Last night was my night in charge at the studio.

I was given the honor of conducting the interviews that potentially screen people from taking the day long intensive if they are crazy or inept.

I didn't really think I would be turning anyone down, because they were supposed to be referred by a former student.

They weren't.

At first, when I got there, I was the only person there. The desk guy had gone to the bathroom, but I didn't know that. I answered the door, then the phone. I was Mr. Office.

Then, he came back and I conducted my first interview.

She was nice, and smart. Not crazy.

Didn't sound like she had a lot of experience, but then she mentioned she booked a national commercial. Hell, that's better than me!

I sat there thinking, how can I justify not letting this girl in. But, what if I do, and she sucks!

Finally, she mentioned having studied for four years with some dude, and I felt I had my justification to let her in.

The funny thing is she kept name dropping to me like I know a fucking thing. Honey, the names aren't going to impress me, it is the time spent at the craft that will do it.

Hey, my resume says I studied with Jim Belushi. And I did. Just it was for only about an hour.

After that one, I had another.

This guy was trouble from the start.

When I ask him what his story was, he looked at me like, are you kidding. He said, You want the whole thing? Well, I was born in...

I laughed, and thought yikes, and said, why don't you just give me the juicy parts.

So, he says he acted in high school, and then decided to "be a man, and joined the marines".

Don't insult me before you even know me. I'm not even a man at gay bars, you aren't winning any points here bub.

He goes off on how his daughter is interested, and he has been driving her to auditions and thinking, hell I can do this.

Now I was sure. I knew this guy wasn't getting in, but how to tell him. And not get beat up.

So, I go into a schpiel about how I hear what he is saying, and trying to tell him what I think he is saying, and at the same time tell him he needs a basic acting class like it is something he just said to me. Then to make the point further, I tell him our class is the technical stuff that is added to the foundation you should already have.

You know, I say, like putting frosting on a cake. The frosting makes the cake, but you need the cake to have the frosting.

I'm using a cake and baking metaphor to a marine!! How clueless am I?!

[Dork snort goes here]

Met KK at the bar last night. Really was looking forward to just him and I sitting together over some drinks.

When I pulled into the garage, I looked for TO's car and didn't see it and thought, good.

Sat at the bar. KK came out of the show he was watching. We start to talk. Then, we never got back to talking. The rest of the night was someone coming up and talking to us.

Not that it was awful, but we both sort of acknowledged the loss.

Then, she came out. TO was there after all. It was a moment where KK and I were actually finally alone again. I saw her sit at a table, and I thought, let it be, let it go.

It will be what it is meant to be. Stop trying to force anything. Let it be. Let it go.

Another person came up to us right away, and the stories continued. Then I saw her get up as if to go. I held my eye on her, and she glanced over my way. I waved.

She came over. She joined the conversation. She sat in KK's chair. She and I talked. It was great. We didn't talk about us, sort of, we mostly talked about her, and what I think she should do. You know, besides me, of course.

She did say at one point that she didn't want to do another soap without me. That felt great.

Also, at one point she and another person started to speak French, and I rolled my eyes, and exhaled with loud frustration. She kicked me under the table, and smiled.

Point made.

It was great to spend the time with her. I wish the topics I would love to talk about could be talked about, but alas.

Let it be. Let it go.

[Sarcastic, self deprecating forced laugh goes here]

Office Plowatics

Ah, the politics of an office.

I have always been told by my friends who work in offices that the political games are ones I wouldn't be able to handle.

I always told them that their are plenty of political games at restaurants too.

Now, though, I think there is a political game going on at the office, and I might be put in the middle.

To be fair, I am neurotic, and see intentions in people that sometimes aren't there. Then again, I am intuitive, and sometimes am dead on.

I think there is a bit of a cat fight going on at the studio between SS and TR.

Now, SS owns the joint and TR is teaching the classes. They have worked together for a long time. I assist TR and take class from SS.

SS is a raging neurotic ego maniac. That's how he would describe himself, and he would mean it as a good thing.

TR is a biting self assured ego maniac. He is very lovable, but you have to worship him.

Fortunately, I worship him. He is self assured and egotistical for some good reasons. He is very, very sharp. I am learning a lot from him, and I think he really respects me and likes me.

SS also really likes me. He was the one who made me a TA and he always says he wants me to be a teacher there.

And there's the rub.

I think TR is worried that SS likes me more and plans to replace him. To make matters worse, his defense kicks in with his sarcasm, and the past few times that SS takes me aside to talk to me, TR comes around and rips into SS about trivial stuff.

It is uncomfortable enough that I usually look at the buttons on my shirt or inspect the "new" stain on my shoe.

SS is just starting to notice it. The other day, he took me aside and asked what I thought TR's classes need. He is planning on coming in to guest teach every once in awhile, and he wanted to know what he should focus on. Rather than ask TR, he asked me, since, I think, he knew TR wouldn't reveal a weakness.

That was a tricky puddle.

I told him that I felt TR's classes didn't lack anything. I told him I was impressed with the progress of the students. I told him there were a few students who I and TR found lacked comedy skills. We were doing good work with them, but we just can't get funny into them. I said maybe SS, since he has been doing this sooo long, might know some tricks to use on those you just can't make funny.

He was pleased. I managed to both sell TR, and make SS possess a special gift, an eye for the necessary.

Then, yesterday, SS grabbed me again.

We are doing a live comedy game show next week, and SS wanted me to go over the opening with him and cast all of the cast with there little joke pieces.

When TR walked to his car, we were outside putting it together and laughing.

SS stopped to talk to TR and ask if he would be around for a meeting. TR said no, and ripped into SS for not remembering this and screwing up that. SS totally shut down, and TR left.

SS stood there for a moment contemplating, then we got back to work.

That momentary contemplation is what scares me. I know TR can get away with a lot with SS, but SS still pays the checks, and he is an ego maniac. You had better massage him every time you tell him hard truths.

I think I know how to play the office politics. I just don't know how to avoid the collateral damage.

And then there were two

I have done it. I have entered a new era.

I now have a myspace page.

I joined on Saturday, partly due to the acting studio, which is using it for networking purposes and wants the staff and students to be a part of it. Also, a former college professor of mine coincidentally emailed me the same day saying he is on it, and would I, and all his former students, join.

Since then, I have been tricking out the page, and collecting friends. It gets a bit high school with a popularity contest, but I already have more friends then when I actually was in high school, so I don't mind.

Plus, I got a great song for my page. As soon as I found out you could add a song that would automatically play, I knew which song I wanted. Then I couldn't find it, or figure out how to do it. When asking a friend, he said that certain bands don't allow their songs, and that most bands only make available four songs to choose from.

I was nervous. This is an old band, and an obscure song. I thought for sure I wouldn't be able to get it, but sure enough, it was one of the four offered. To be honest, I can't stop clicking onto my own page just to hear the song play.

Then, today, I added the blog feature. I am going to try to write there as well as here. Probably not as frequent there, and much more along the entertaining side of my writing. After all, it is for public consumption. And by public, I mean the 24 or so people I have to see every day of the week.

So, look me up. And get hooked. I am

Like A Drug

I'm trying to let go.

I'm trying to move on, as everyone has told me to, from my desire and longing for TO.

I am keeping myself open to others. I am actively trying to put myself in places where others may be.

However, like a drug, I feel like my habit is causing me pain when I don't get my fix.

Last night, on the year anniversary of deciding to end my marriage, I went and saw The Breakup with a friend. I thought it was a dumb decision, but she wanted to go, and I didn't want to go home.

I thought for sure that the movie would fuck with my head and put me in a bad way with thoughts of X.

I was surprised to find I kept thinking of TO throughout.

That is both a good thing and a bad. Good that I believe I have actually moved on and gotten over my divorce. Bad that I can't get this girl out of my mind.

Last Friday, for our show, I told myself I was going to be polite, but put my focus on others and myself.

I think I did, but every time she came by, or talked to me, I felt the drug kick in. I melt into her face. Her voice can be like a siren's song, compelling me toward it, even though I know it is my own demise.

I'm hooked. Even today, I sit here wishing somehow I could communicate with her. Then, I abuse myself for even having the thought. That isn't letting go, I yell in my mind.

So, I do something to distract. But it doesn't.

We only have two weeks left of our show, and then there is a chance I won't see her. I don't rehearse with that troupe anymore. She won't be in the next show, so if I go to see it, she may not be there.

I feel both a sense of relief and horror at the thought of that.

Relief because every week I tear my heart out, only to find it renewed and full by the next day. It will be nice to have that end.

Or will it? That is the horror.

This is a purge post. I'm really trying to let go. Really.

Even though it goes against my deepest desire.

Like a drug.

On Today

Well. A year ago today was the day X and I sat down and said we felt the relationship was over.

I remember that day feeling excited, and scared, and occasionally bursting into tears.

I thought I was doing the right thing, but I worried that letting her go would be too tough on me. She was my best friend.

I was right. It was too tough on me.

I was wrong. She wasn't my best friend.

Last night, I performed another show with the folks who do the murder mystery show. This time, we did a wedding show.

I played the uptight father of the bride. I wore a tux with tails, had little glasses on, a cigarette in a long stem filter, and carried a pitching wedge.

One of the cast members said I looked like Mr. Peanut.

That was a great image for me actually, and I went with it.

Had a great time.

There was a new girl who was playing the slutty Italian cousin of the groom.

She was hot. Also, sweet. And only 27.

We two were the new people, so she stuck by my side. I felt my charm naturally kick into high gear.

At one point, sitting at the head table, I put my arm around her, and she turned to me, and said, are you flirting with me?

I played it off.

Then, later I grabbed her to dance. A slow song. It felt so good to hold a woman. She told me I was quite the dancer, and she didn't see that one coming.

We realized that none of the other cast was dancing, and she got uncomfortable, so we stopped.

Then, loading the van to head back home, she mentioned she got a call from her boyfriend.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Still, that moment of feeling her soft body against mine. Worth it.

Today I feel excited, and scared, and will probably occasionally burst into tears.

Flora

That could be a lovely name. I picture a busty Latina, big smile and flowered dress.

Anyway, what it means here is that all my balcony plants are sitting on my rug in my living room.

After the big fire last Feb, they are finally restoring the car port. All week there has been a team of men working on the construction. Now they are at the final stage: repainting the smoke stained walls.

I awoke this morning to a knocking sound. As I stumbled into the living room, there were two Mexicans standing on my balcony knocking on the window.

Mexicans don't scare this white boy, but early morning ones on my balcony gives you a bit of a jump.

I went out, and helped them move all my plants and chairs and shit inside. Jose and Melinqa (sp) are my painters. I offered them water. I tried to be helpful. I even made them laugh by offering Owen.

Necisitas estes pinche gato gordo? Do you need this fucking fat cat?

It is a good feeling to be funny in another language.

Either that, or they were laughing at the stupid white boy trying to speak spanish.

I sure do have a lot of plants. They are filling up my living room. Who knew the balcony was so large.

I wish I was better with the plants. I really feel like it is by sheer luck that they are alive. Yet, they are important to me.

My grandfather, when we lived with him, had a huge garden in his backyard. Rhubard and eggplant were always the ones I liked to watch grow.

My dad is and always was very particular about his lawn. He hated our front yard games. He even planted a tree smack dab in the middle of the front lawn so that it would thwart any games that would tear up his precious lawn.

He also is big on flowers. It is often very odd to call this tough man, this blue collared, dirt under the nails, salt of the earth type guy and hear him say his flowers are blooming and the yard looks so pretty.

He tried a garden. It didn't go so well. Mom had him remove it two years ago. Now it is a fire pit. Whatever that means, I haven't seen it.

My first apartment in Chicago had a balcony in the backyard, and a giant tree growing right behind it. I loved to sit out there and pretend I was in some tree house. I sometimes have that with this balcony. There is a rubber tree that grows right next to the building that occasionally overgrows and takes over the view, but hides our balcony in a wonerful fantasy land.

It is cut down right now. Not to a stump, but there are no leaves. Hell, no branches. This is the second time in eight years they cut it down, but it grows back. I can't wait.

Oh, a bit off the subject, but growing back made me think of it. BGR got back together with his boy friend. Saw him last night, and he had met with the guy on Wed night thinking he was returning possesions, but the guy said that breaking up was the biggest mistake he's made. He said he panicked.

Panic. Sheesh.

Anyway, giddy has moved back into the other bedroom.

I am really happy for him. Really. Happy. really. very, very happy.



I really don't want to go to work today.

I don't necessarily want to sit around here, but I just feel like leaving things behind.

I got to be careful. If I follow this train of thought right now, I might have to go sit in the car and punch the seat.

After teaching last night, I went to the theatre and caught the improv show my old troupe is doing.

I told myself I wasn't going to try and run into TO, but when I pulled into the garage, I recognized her car.

I sat down in the audience just as the lights were dimming, and I heard someone call my name. It was a fellow troupe member, so I joined him to watch the show.

After the lights were down, I scanned the audience. There she was, across the theatre.

I have a very distinctive laugh. Everyone in the shows always says after, I knew you were there. They hear my laugh.

I'm sure she knew I was there.

When the show ended, the guy I was sitting next to asked me if I was going to do this show, and I said no. In turning to have the conversation about why I wasn't going to do the show, I turned my back to the rest of the audience. When I finished my reason why, the theatre was empty.

She was gone. She wasn't in the lobby waiting to tell the actors good job.

I think she is avoiding me.

Oh well.

Maybe that is good. Maybe that is really, really awful.

We'll see tonight. She has to come over here to watch last week's tape, and then do a show with me.

Maybe she'll hide in the bushes in my living room.

That thought cracks me up. I'm almost tempted to leave the room like it is just to see if that little gag could possibly happen.

The recipe

How to make pure comedy gold.

First take some pain.

As I said, about a month ago, I told X that I felt we shouldn't have any contact for the summer at least. She was getting to a too comfortable place being single with me, and I needed space.

Mix in some panic.

Yesterday, I went to go see my therapist. As I arrived, she was arriving too. I said, what timing.

She said, what are you doing here?

I looked confused, said, this is my normal time slot.

She said, oh my gosh, I double booked this time. OH MY GOSH, I double booked it with X.

She hurried me inside to a secret room like I was the POTUS and there was a sons of Iran convention going on.

She said, we should figure out if I could do another time. I said, let's just do next week, and I will get out of here.

I felt nervous. I wanted more than anything to just leave.

She made me stay while she checked that their was no mistake. Finally, she said she was sorry and next week she wouldn't charge me. I just said, let me get out of here.

I walked out into the parking lot, headed to my car, and heard a car behind me, trailing slowly.

It was X. Of course.

I slapped on my game face, and went over to say hi.

She said, I'm sorry. Right off the bat.

I said, hi how are you how you doing.

We mumbled things like that for a moment, and then her cell went off. I was our therapist.

I went to my car. As I backed out, she was right there.

I asked how she was. She shrugged.

I asked if she had graduated. She said yes. I said congrats. She said it was a rough day.

She then started to cry.

I can feel people's pain. Like a gamma ray emanating off of them. Then, when they cry, it gets stronger, and I am compelled to help them.

Only, this one I can't. It hurts me. However, not helping also hurts. I stammered that I had to go. She nodded. I wanted to say something to make it all better, but I said bye.

Driving home, I panicked.

I hadn't had a panic attack in a long time.

I didn't know who to call. I felt I had nobody to call.

Of my three best friends out here, one is at his busy new job, one I had just left rehearsing his big night, and one told me the other day he isn't sure we are friends.

The wife, I was sure was helping her hubby go over his calmness.

The BGR just broke up with his boy, and isn't in the I can make YOU better place yet.

Ain't no girl to lean on.

I had nobody.

Then, I called my folks. Hoping to get dad. Got mom.

Started out with, hey, just need to talk to someone. Kind of having a crazy day.

She could only hear every other word. Cell phones!

She yelled, take care of yourself.

Hung up.

So, I popped in a fav CD, and started to punch the passenger seat. Harder and harder, over and over.

I can't tell you how much this helps and how much this is the go to response these days.

By the time I got home, and re called the mom to calm her, I had an idea. A new sketch.

I sat down and within a few moments, I had the entire thing written.

This was supposed to be my tough week for finding time to write.

Thank god my life is just crazy enough that comedy comes around every turn.