Even I couldn't believe I got away with it.

I know this is my third post in one day, but I forgot about this funny story that I want to put in here.

I was waiting on an elderly couple. I have waited on them before, and he is a bit of a cock.

Right off he asks if I am an actor.

I said, oh, could you tell from my incredible good looks.

He said, NO.

He asks again, are you an actor.

I say, yes.

He says, well at least you know what business you are out of.

He then tells me, like it makes that comment ok, that he was a comedy writer.

So, not to be outdone, I say, well, you must have been very successful because that joke was hilarious.

Barb meets barb. Sparing commence.

At the end of the meal, he says, bring the check anytime.

I say, anytime... because I might take awhile.

He says, bring it before your career is over.

I say, oh sir, in that case, you should have paid it a long time ago.

I bring the check, and he says, do you take any credit card.

I say, only ones that work, so we might have some trouble here.

He says, how bout I give you my library card.

I say, sure, I bet it's never been used.

He says, that was a good one. Do you want some constructive criticism.

I say, yeah.

He says, go fuck yourself.

I say, sir I thought you said it would be constructive.

We both laugh.

He tips me 20%

Can you believe it. I got a guest to tell me to fuck myself and still tip me big.

I'm that good!

Here is the full load

Ok, so in order to let go of the negative I had been focusing on, I mailed my friend and asked him what the strength was that I couldn't remember.

He came back with many qualities, for each category. Here they are:

Strengths:

Passionate
Engaging
Talented
Funny
Driven
Enrolling/Registering
Vulnerable
Intelligent
Courageous
Artistic
Open minded

Weaknesses:
self centered (it's all about Tony)
self effacing (fine when you're around people you know but not good when you first meet anyone, especially girls)
judgmental
isolating

So, there they are. According to him.

I will say this about that list. 11 strengths, to only 4 weaknesses. IN YOUR FACE!

Also, if you notice, he capitalized the strengths but not the weaknesses.

I think that gives more power to the strengths and diminishes some of the weaker qualities.

So that 11/4 ratio is really more like 16/2.

Yeah?

A year ago

I think Memorial day a year ago was the final straw for me and X without us really knowing it.

I remember we went to a couple's house for a cookout lunch, and then to a baseball game.

At the couple's house, we were talking about things that we were doing and that excited us. As X spoke, I remember thinking I had nothing to say on the subject. I sat lost, and that worried me a bit.

When the conversation turned to improv, I lit up, and began talking a blue streak. Sometime during my conversation, I remember looking at X and she couldn't have looked more bored.

That was when I truly realized that we were on different paths.

Later at the ball game, we didn't speak to each other. After the game, some guys wanted to go out, but X didn't. I chose to go home with her, that's what husbands do. Stuck in traffic waiting to get out of the ballpark, we didn't say a word to each other.

She said that was when she knew we were in a bad place.

When we got home, she went to bed, and I stayed up just watching TV.

Today, I feel full of emotion. A variety really. I feel a deep pool of rage in me. It has been there a while, never allowed to surface, but it occasionally blows. After work, I went and saw a movie, and leaving the movie, stuck in the traffic of the parking garage, I just started punching the seat next to me in my car.

Punch after punch. Trying to punch harder each time I swung anew.

Rage.

Also, I feel like I have this tremendous, overpowering wave of love to give. I don't know if anyone could handle it. My two long term relationships were both ones where I gave far more than I ever received. My first girlfriend even said that I tend to smother people.

I fear that may be true. I have never been smothered myself. I wonder what that is like, and why it is so bad. I wonder if I am doomed to do the same next time.

I can't seem to control it. I feel it pent up inside of me, and it is rattling the damn that has to keep it in.

Love.

Then, I sit here alone. Nobody to talk to. All this pent up emotion unable to find an outlet. So I write. Write about how I feel.

Then I spend all my days just trying to get my life to a place I want after so long of it not being anywhere near where I wanted it. Scrambling for money. Scrambling for happiness.

It tends to make my attention and focus very limited and pointed solely on me.

No wonder I am so self involved and have people coming up to me telling me that it is always about me.

A lot of time these days I do feel shallow.

KK said that it is my turn to be self involved. That after the divorce, or after any break up, that is what people tend to do. He said I was so long always about others, that it is actually good to see me be about me.

I hear what he says, but I also hear the confirmation that I am all about me.

I don't know. I don't think there are answers.

I just want to punch and love. Right now, in that order.

Oh the frank honesty

Had a great time at the party last night. Got pretty f upped.

Had several people feel like they could be truly serious with me.

One person took me aside to tell me he didn't feel like we were friends anymore.

I was shocked. He said he thought I never asked him how he was doing, or never invited him to do things with me.

We talked it out. I told him I truly didn't feel that way, and I think we got to a good place.

Then another person told me that sometimes it is always "about me".

Start to recognize a theme.

He had asked me a while back to tell him his strengths and weaknesses for a project about how you view yourself as compared to how others view you. I was honest with him.

Then, last night, he felt like returning the compliment. The always about me was my weakness. I don't remember what he said was my strength.

Also had another friend tell me that it is time to give up on TO. Everyone always tells me this. Which of course makes me both sad and mad as hell.

It makes me sad because I just feel like I have made every wrong move imaginable. All I am doing is feeling and being. I'm fucking sorry if it is too much.

Also it makes me sad because I just feel like a thing that was possible is probably lost due to me just wanting it. That hurts. Knowing that you are probably your own worst enemy.

The mad part comes in because I just hate having everyone disagree with me. If my instincts are that wrong...

I don't know. I guess I'm not mad as much as hurt and embarrassed.

Still, it was a fun party.

One guy who I really just sort of met last night is a student at the theatre. I have been introduced to him several times, but we really just got a chance to talk last night.

A real nice guy.

He was very complimentary of me and my improv characters. That was great to hear. We talked a lot about acting and improv. He is just getting into improv after years of real estate. Feels like he doesn't have an acting back ground. I have just that.

Still, I told him of people who I respect who don't have that background, and told him it all just comes down to having fun.

I'm just trying to have fun.

All about me, huh?

so...

A couple of days.

Highs and lows.

Friday I told the manager at work that I don't want to work the lunch shift anymore. He said ok.

In three weeks, my show will end and with the daytime off, I will finally have a day to myself. I look forward to it. I think one of the first things I will do is get out of town.

That night, TO came back. It was very anticlimactic. She was exhausted. Jet lag had her functioning as if it were 8am Saturday.

I played it cool. I was super jealous of her trip, and scared to be excited to see her. I played it cool.

Little jokes here and there. I felt like things were good, if not the flirty I enjoy so much. At one point before the show, she grabbed my face and sort of leaned it back. I didn't know what was going on, and she let go and walked away.

Then, after the show, we both pretty much ignored each other. She left without saying goodbye.

Some people say great, just what you would want. Others say too much head games and maybe she just left because she isn't in to you.

Who knows?

My show itself was good. On the whole, it was a wonky show, but I felt personally great.

I only did one scene. Usually, we get three.

I was a bit pissed about that. My friends said hey it's quality not quantity. You know, though, technically, I am still paying to be in this show. Even if someone else is paying it, my time is bought and damn I better get it.

The next day at rehearsal, we did an exercise which is brutal. Someone gets up and tries to entertain the group and as soon as anyone in the group "checks out" they get up and leave. When you have lost more than half your audience, your time is done. People usually last about 30 seconds.

It is brutal. I lasted 53 seconds by telling a fake story about spilling food on Roseanne.

Then, you tell the people why you walked out on them.

The whole troupe sort of devolved over time into defensiveness, and we cut rehearsal short. Our director said we could stick around if we wanted to talk about the shows, so some people did. I waited.

When they were done, I asked him if he felt I got back to my character. There was some talk after last week that I had lost my character. He said I had gotten back and did a good job. I then asked why then did I only get one scene. He was surprised. He said he didn't realize he only gave me one scene. He said he was thrown by someone being sick at the last minute and screwed up.

Fine. Doesn't really change my feelings, but it most likely won't happen again now.

Also talked to my dad on Sat. In two weeks, it will be two years since I have seen him. I think I am going home for Thanksgiving, since my sis will have her baby by then. He said he can't wait to see me. He said he misses me. That felt really good.

So, I took that feeling and ran with it.

I emailed TO.

Started off with a joke about the show and a scene she was in where the guy she played with accidentally showed his nuts.

She responded calling me hilarious.

I joked back. Then she joked back. Then, I joked again, and told her I was glad she was back because I missed her.

She wrote this morning saying AWWWWW!!! I missed you too!

Eh.

Sweet, but we'll see.

Party tonight. I'm looking forward to it. I'll probably talk to the same people I talk to every Friday night, but I really like them, so it's a good thing.

An open disguise

I just wrote another sketch for this Sunday's class.

Most of my sketches have come from actual events or characteristics from my real life. It sounds like that would be obvious, the writer using his life for his material, but it is harder than you think.

When I first started doing improv, I disguised myself heavily and used nothing from my reality. Now, I try to inject me into everything about my improv. Sometimes successfully, sometimes not.

I think the practice of writing here in the blog has given me the wherewithal to use my life freely.

I can take embarrassment a bit easier now. Especially if it is done for comedy.

Writing the sketches, I try to tap into weaknesses and vulnerabilities, or even distasteful traits, to flesh out my characters and situations. It is in those details that people recognize the hilarious truths about ourselves.

I think I try to do the same here.

For example, a scenario.

I had a scheme.

TO comes back today. I have been wondering for the past few hours when exactly she is landing. Somehow, I thought I would feel a change in the air.

Tomorrow at the show will be the first time I get to see her. I had a plan.

I asked a girl I work with to come to the show and afterwards, to visibly flirt with me.

Ah, the old jealousy begets action begets union plan.

The girl told me last night she thought she could make it. Just one problem. She is bringing her boyfriend.

Not really the twist I had imagined.

So, I asked another. She is a pretty and smart girl, but one who usually chooses superiority as her self expression.

Suddenly, I saw a Lucy episode unfolding. You know, the one where they get someone to make them look better, but the person is actually very intimidating, and all that happens is they end up looking even more ridiculous.

Eventually, by nights end I had given up on my scheme. I decided that being a wacky character is probably not the most attractive or best way to initiate any sort of relationship.

I also decided to just let things be what they are. Good or bad. My dreams or not.

So, it will be Tony who she sees tomorrow night.

That seems to be serving me best these days anyways.

Assess

Relationships.

Like holding a tornado in a bottle.

Never easy. Not always rewarding.

I would love one.

I think about the upcoming summer, and I would really like to share something deeper with someone during this season.

I have always loved summer. I prefer hot to cold, so summer was my time.

Some of the greatest memories I have occurred during summer. Things I wish to do this summer are things I would love to do with another.

Whether that is in the cards is anyone's guess. It is extremely tough to meet someone out here. Even tougher if you want something deeper than an occasional fling and good time.

BM just told me tonight that he got dumped last night. He doesn't seem happy. Who would be?

Tough. A week ago I was saying how giddy and happy he was. Now it is ended. Not his choice, but if one person says no, what can the other do?

I wrote about the other night when I was talking to that girl. I could see as I shared my deep thoughts and feelings, that they were having an impact. I could see her start to care more about me. I see it with anyone I open up to. I mean really open up to.

It is human. Emotion is attractive. It is also repellent. I guess it is a force.

Anyway, as I was opening up, I thought, well this is what it takes. Just lay on the line your thoughts and feelings, and their power will do the job.

The thing is though, there are plenty of people I know who I wouldn't share those feelings with. People I have known a long time. Feelings are the chinks in our armor, and can only be handed over to those who will tenderly care for them.

So, you can't just walk out the door and meet someone and tell them your thoughts and all will work out.

You have to meet someone who you trust with your thoughts. Hopefully they are someone you are attracted to. Hopefully they are attracted to you. Hopefully they tell you their thoughts and both of you don't find the other crazy for them. Hopefully after achieving all of that, you still desire to spend any amount of time together in a week. Then a month. Then three months. Then six. Then a year. Then three years. Then five. Then it gets hard.

I would like someone for the summer. I would love if it went on beyond that, but I would like someone for the summer.

Sometimes, I just can't see that happening.

Wow, With Me?

I had a terrible shift at work last night.

Almost got into an actual fight with the chef. I mean he had come around from behind the line, and people were holding him back.

Just because we yelled at each other, and I called him a jackass.

Oops.

Fuck him.

So, anyway, tough shift.

So, I sat down in the bar afterwards to treat myself to a nice Chicken Parm and some red wine.

I was joined by RC. She is a young Thai UCLA student who works with me. She and I have known each other since about Feb, when I started working a lunch shift every week. She works the lunch shift with me.

She is very funny, very smart, hard working, and lovely.

I trained her for the night program.

I also trained and worked lunches with her boyfriend.

You just knew there had to be a boyfriend, right?

Well, I like him a lot too. He is very funny, and self deprecating, and doesn't take himself seriously at all. A big kid. Which is funny to say, since he is only 24. To me, he IS a kid.

Anyway, she joined me last night as she was waiting for him to finish his shift.

She is very inquisitive, and easy to talk to, and I found myself suddenly talking about my life to her. She was asking all the questions, but I was talking.

She asked about X. About how long we were together, and what went wrong, and how I feel about love, and all sorts of personal things.

I had mentioned to her once about liking a girl who has a boyfriend, and she started to ask me about my thoughts on what is going on with that, and what am I doing about it, if anything.

Tons of questions.

At one point, she asked me about the difference between separation and divorce. I told her the difference is, separation means she moves out and you break up. Divorce is just the legal status. I said technically, I'm still married.

To which she replied:

You mean I'm sitting here flirting with a married man?!

To which I replied:

You mean you're flirting?!

We both sort of uncomfortably laughed, but she just stared at me after.

Later, she even did this thing with her fingers that made them point from my eyes to hers. I think it meant, have eyes for me.

I didn't know how to take that. I mean, her boyfriend was in the building. He in fact was stopping by our table quite often giving progress reports.

I seriously don't think she is the type to cheat, but Wha?

Either way, when she said flirting, it made me feel real good. It made me realize that I've been doing all the chasing this last year, and sometimes it is just really nice to be chased. Even if it only seems like you are being chased.

Thanks RC.

The Subject: Subjective

Last night's improv show was a curiosity for me.

I sort of play a villain. He is more a womanizer, but he is a snake, so he comes off villainous.

However, I have been ineffectual as a villain, and over the last three shows, repeatedly shot and tortured. So, I thought he should become a loser.

Part of what made me think that, as well, was being teamed up over and over with the character who is the biggest loser in the show. An actor who likes things to go his way, which isn't always good improv, but he is doing an extremely funny and likeable character this go around.

So, I kind of figured that my character was supposed to fall and fail. My director is one who also likes the shift of status and power, so that reinforced my decision to let my villain lose and become a loser.

I thought I did it well. I accepted, I reacted, I advanced plot, I altered relationships. All the things you should do.

Then, after the show, I had audience and castmembers tell me it was just a rough show and not to worry, I'll get my swing back.

HUH?

I thought I did great.

A cast mate actually told me that we need my character to become the character again. That over the past few weeks, we have lost him.

Well, yeah! If he can't be a villain because everyone beats him or isn't afraid of him, then what is he?

It kind of threw me to think one way and be told something else entirely.

Today at rehearsal, I mentioned it to my director, and he pretty much told me that he liked some of what I was doing, but he agreed with the other's opinion. He said the dangerous thing about my story is that I am not on the same page as others.

What?!

Later, he was talking how characters shouldn't maintain the status quo. That they should be altered and lose power or gain it if they had never had it.

I brought up my dilemma. I asked him how it is he can agree with the people who criticized me, when all I was trying to do was exactly what he is saying makes for good improv.

He said that was a fair point, but maybe my problem was in the execution.

My natural insecurity really just kicked in when he said that. Ok, so not only is it bad that I think I'm good but others don't, what is really bad is that I am doing exactly what I should be doing to be good, just I am doing it so poorly, that it doesn't actually make me good.

A fellow improviser, who saw my show last night then said she thought I was one of the few who had a good show.

To which, my director said, well there you have it. It is all just subjective.

So, where does that leave me exactly? It must have read across my face, because he finished with, the only reason we want you to be great, is because you are so good.

So, I am a great improviser who people expect great things from, but I am not on the same page with said people who are disappointed in my work, because I am doing all the right things in a poor way.

Is that the most confusing thing you have ever heard?!

Some times, I feel like I just don't know what I am doing.

Which means I must be doing it right, right? Or because I think it must mean that, it surely doesn't.

Ack!

Back to the Past

Sat around having a bottle of wine with a friend last night.

We got to telling stories. About girls. About college. About college girls.

Suddenly, I realized how long ago all of that was.

I got a tattoo when I first met this friend. We talked about that. That was when I realized that was 14 years ago.

14 years!

After my last long term relationship (before X) broke up, I was single for 5 years. During that time, I was more a slut than someone looking for his emotional mate. It wasn't until I met X that I considered sticking with one girl.

However, there was one. We didn't see each other for a long time, but I remember thinking she could do it. She could be the one.

The problem was it was the first girl after breaking up that I was with. We were only together for about a month. And that was on and off due to me being out of town for some of it.

Anyway, she got too involved too fast for me, and it ended awkwardly. That was 16 years ago.

So, besides 11 years ago when I met X, the last girl I felt like I could have a future with was 16 years ago.

All of it seems like yesterday, but then when you add the years, certain joints start to ache, and I feel like I should put on a cardigan sweater.

Still, sitting around last night was great.

We sat on his balcony until 3 am. The city lights made for a hazy white sky, and it seemed like one of those nights where you talk until dawn before you realize how late/early it is.

Also a staple of first meeting someone who you think you could be with.

Those first night long conversations where everything is shared and all goes great. Do we still do those as older adults? I hope so.

Another friend gave me a compliment yesterday. He found out that I am TA'ing at the studio and told me that he thought that was perfect for me. He said I was funny, which helps to teach comedy, but he also said I had a great energy and charm that could easily motivate people.

He said my energy reminded him of *'s energy. If you recall, * was my college teacher who I fancied a bit of a mentor, and who came out here to visit just before thanksgiving.

That felt great to hear.

I would be happy to be the * to someone's life.

This is # 250

Quite a lot of posts.

So many issues tackled here.

So much weighed and debated.

Serious shit.

Just not today.

Went to therapy yesterday.

We talked about girls.

You see about a month ago, I told X that I couldn't take anymore contact from her. I wasn't feeling comfortable with the level of friendship ease that she seems to have gotten to. It was always an emotional mess whenever I saw her.

So, I asked her to please give me the summer alone.

My therapist wanted to know how that was going. I said it seemed to be going well. I didn't really ever think about her, and I didn't regret asking for that.

Then, my therapist wanted to know how things are going with TO. I told her that things were about the same. I'm crazy dreaming, she is with BF. Literally. Paris, eh.

My therapist said that no matter the outcome (getting together, never getting together), I should learn the lesson. What is the lesson that the universe is trying to tell me?

I thought about that one. At first, I wanted to say that I've learned the criteria for the next woman I want to be with.

But the truth is I learned that when I broke up with X.

The criteria a girl must possess is:

Laughter.
Respect for my acting.
Common interests.
Joy of life.
Ambitions.
Values.
Tenderness.
Affectionate.

Then, I thought what it is that I've learned from TO.

I got it.

You see, when I broke up with X, there was one highlight to the whole mess. A hook I could hang my hope on.

You see, I always was bothered by the fact that X (who seemed to be the girl for life at the time) was only # 9.

That is, she was the ninth girl I had slept with.

I had always wanted to get to double digits.

I didn't think it would happen, cuz we were married.

Then, we broke up, and it now seems a sure thing I will at least get to #10. Still, that's double digits.

The thing is, most of my friends are like in the thirties.

Modern times, huh.

I don't need to get there, but double digits is almost a requirement.

So, I will get double digits. That is a fact.

The thing I learned though, is that I not looking for sexual conquests. I really want to meet the "one".

Not that I believe there is only one, but you know what I mean.

Somehow, thinking of a possible future with TO has made me realize that I'm not out to score, I'm out to be serious and settle down.

So, whether that happens with her or not, that is what I know about myself now.

Off track here, but last night at work I sat down with a guy and my manager for a couple of drinks after the shift.

They were talking about a show at the Geffen theatre that is getting huge rave reviews. I said I would love to see it, and when my manager said you better hurry, it closes soon, I said I have no time to see it.

I told her that I am constantly going. I work Mon, Wed, Sat, Sun nights. I assist Tues, and Thurs nights. I work Fri afternoon, and do my show Fri night. I rehearse Sat afternoon, and have class Sun afternoon. Plus, Mon and Wed and Thurs afternoons I usually have to write for my class.

I have no time.

My manager said she knew that. She said it shows. She said she noticed that I am tired and stressed.

She told me to take a day off. From everything. Go to the beach. Go to dinner.

I told her I need to get laid.

She said go to Vegas. That would be both a day off, and for a price, getting laid.

Ha.

Still, I keep thinking about her saying it shows.

I got up this morning to write my sketch that is due Sun. I wrote half a page and hate it, so I turned to the web and this blog.

I would love to take the day off. I would love to lay on the beach and just girl watch, or better yet...

Eh.

Someday.

No room mate

I don't have a room mate anymore.

I say this because I don't ever see him.

I do, however, live with a poltergeist.

I say this because things happen in the night.

I go to bed at 2am and wake at 10am and a light will be on. Or the mail will be moved from the table. Or I will wake thinking I heard a bump or thump, or a whisper.

You see, he has a boyfriend. He sleeps over there all the time now.

He works as a DJ, so he gets off work at 2 and comes home to feed his dog, and then leaves.

Some times he comes back here before his day job, sometimes not.

The end result is... I am alone in the house.

Not that I mind. Lately, I have been so busy, I don't have time to sit around here and mope. I only have two afternoons free a week, and I need to use those to write. Not in the blog, but for my sketch class. Of course, I write in the blog and not for my sketch class. Like right now.

Anyway...

Speaking of magic and the supernatural.

I was hoping a spell would be broken.

You see, I haven't seen TO in a week now, and I was hoping that not seeing her would break the spell she has on me.

Didn't work.

Eh, there is still two more weeks to go.

The weather here has been great.

Nice warm days, but still a bit of a haze to make it not too hot.

Makes me want to do some big outdoor activity. A day at the beach, or an all day hike, or horseback riding. Something all day, and with friends, and then end the day at some restaurant, sitting on the patio laughing and getting bombed on margaritas.

Sounds fun.

Little Ditty About J & D

Today is my parents 39th anniversary.

It is amazing they are still together.

Part of the reason I truly hate my divorce is the fact that my folks have managed to keep it together, when everything was working against them.

They got married because she was pregnant. He was 18, she was 16.

I was the baby.

She dropped out of school. Never got her high school diploma.

The first week they were married, she still lived with her folks, and he with his. Finally, he called her up and said this is ridiculous. Get over here.

They got an apartment. A pit.

He got crappy odd jobs.

She worked as a waitress.

They say they loved me, but I know they hated life.

Three years into the marriage, they were fighting all the time. She tried to save the marriage by getting pregnant again. He was having an affair.

He left her.

His mom was disgusted that he was doing what he was doing, and had my mom move into the house with her.

He couldn't afford his apartment cost, as well as child support, as well as everything else, so he came back.

They lived with my grandmother for four years.

Then, my mom got pregnant again.

They both had decent jobs by that time. He was working for the railroad. A job he still has to this day, 32 years later. She was working at a clock store.

They rented a house. We lived there for three years. An alcoholic lived upstairs.

After the three years, they had enough saved to buy their first house. I was nine. They were 28 and 26.

They still live in that house.

He was drinking a lot at this time. She was trying to keep it all together.

They started seeing a marriage counselor.

Eventually, things started to settle down for them.

The kids were growing up, and turning out all right. The jobs were steady. The house was theirs.

Ten years after moving in, I moved out. I was 19.

My college was being paid for by scholarships, so my folks had a bit more scratch. They remodeled the house.

That house today looks nothing like the house I grew up in.

When family started dying, mom started drinking. It slowly got worse.

Dad doesn't drink like he used to. He drinks, just not as much. He likes to joke that in the first part of their marriage, she would carry him home, and now in the second part, he carries her home.

I really hate that joke.

I haven't been their in two years, but it sounds like things are going well with them. They are planning a trip to Ireland for their fortieth next year. They have always wanted to go there.

With my sister being pregnant, they are excited about the future.

My mom has had several jobs since the clock store shut down. Currently, she is a dental assistant. She also was a caregiver to an elderly man, but he just died earlier this year. He had no family, so she might be getting some of his money. He was loaded, and the courts are settling his estate and will.

They took a trip to Springfield last weekend to celebrate.

Here's to ya, folks.

I don't know how you did it, or whether you should have, but you did, and I'm proud of you for it.

And The Good Goes On, and On

Good is spilling all over my life.

Good is knocking on my door, and wants to talk to me about my beliefs.

Good has moved in next door, and wants to borrow some of daddy's sugar.

So, I gots me a commercial agent.

After 7 months without, I finally gots me one.

He was recommended to me, and I to him, by SS.

I like him too. He's Italian. Also, blunt.

He told me I have a face that is perfect for the FBI or CIA. I thought that was cool until he explained why.

Because my face is forgettable. Seriously, he told me that.

Also told me I don't have any decent credits. Told me it would be tough selling me.

This all sounds bad, but I loved it. He wasn't giving me any shit. No blowing smoke up my ass.

Plus, after I read for him, he loved me. Told me my shit was tight. I think he meant my acting. I hope.

So, I got that going for me. Conditionally, of course. He isn't signing me. Told me I have to prove myself over the next three months.

So, I have three months to book a commercial. Ok.

However, this is the best time to do that. I feel camera ready. I feel confident. Plus, I look good in the summer.

So, acting is good.

What else is good? Tell us Tony.

***spoiler alert***

For those of you who don't like my crazy obsession of the past few weeks, stop reading now.

I get really crazy now.

Really.

Stop.

I warned you.

***spoiler on***

I found TO's blog. I have been reading it. I have been going back and reading old posts. In fact, I went back and read every old post. All the way back to July of '04.

But, that isn't the crazy part. Really. That isn't it.

The crazy part is what got me really excited.

You see, she wrote about a psychic who gave her some knowledge.

The psychic told her that her life was going to be paralleled to her car.

When her old car broke down, she bought a new one. Then got her current BF. Even talked about the coincidence.

Well, guess what? Her car has been breaking down this past month! Yes!

Her warranty is over, and the car has no more life.

Does that not just scream for some Tony love, or what?

This is like an open and shut case. Detectives everywhere wish they had it this easy.

I am so in.

All I have to do is make sure that f*#k!ing car never runs again!

I am getting off the good freeway, and good is selling me a bag of citrus good by the side of the road.

Citrus good is good good.

About Time

Just a quick rant before we begin.

I hate my mouth guard.

I swear it is doing me harm. I clamp down on it when it is in my mouth, and my jaw is sore when I wake up. I'm right now trying to eat my breakfast, and my bite is so off that my teeth are banging against each other when I chew.

Grrrrrr.

Ok, rant over.

Let's get back on topic.

And that topic is...

SS.

As you know, I have for weeks now been feeling like I am flubbing up in class and with his guests.

I was worried he might consider not offering me the TA after all.

Then, yesterday I started out to class in the morn to help teach. I slapped on some cologne.

I don't normally wear cologne, but my mom bought me some a while back, and one time I put some on to go to work, and one of the girls fussed over me because of it, so I got it in my head that cologne is goood.

I'm not really the cologne type, but fuck it.

So, going to class, I slapped some on. Thought I kind of chintzed on the amount, so I slapped again. Then rubbed the remainder on my hands onto my shirt.

While driving to class, just as I was pulling up in fact, I was overwhelmed with the smell. My eyes started to tear, the cologne was so heavy!

I stunk!

I tried to wave it off when I got outside. I rubbed against my neck, but it just felt like I was a scratch and sniff, and all the rubbing was now activating it even more.

I hoped for the best.

Walked into the office, and TR, the guy I assist, and SS were there talking. I stayed across the room from them so that I wouldn't over power them.

TR leaned in close to SS as they were looking over the same page of paper.

SS suddenly winced and shook his head. He turned to TR and said, Whew, you are wearing too much cologne.

I died inside.

TR said he wasn't wearing any.

They both looked at me.

SS said, is that you?!

I said I spilled.

He said, go wash your hands.

I left. I went into the bathroom and tried to sink wash myself clean. I avoided SS the rest of that afternoon.

That night, I had my own class with him.

As I pulled up, he was standing outside the studio, looking up and down the street.

When he saw me get out of my car, he laughed.

I walked over to him, and he said that my Geo Metro should have a sign posted across it that says starving actor.

I told him it was the second such car I have owned in my lifetime.

We laughed together.

Then, he asked if I had gotten a haircut. Since this morning?

No, I said. I showered off all that cologne.

He burst out laughing. He couldn't believe it had been coming from me, since I was across the room. He said he swore it must have been coming from TR.

We laughed some more about it. He joked that he can be a bit too blunt.

It was great. I hadn't had a regular, casual moment with him for some time.

I told him I was helping out this Sunday on one of his all day long intensives. I usually don't do it, there is another girl who used to TA, and she does the intensives. She is a mother though, and asked if I would do it this Sunday, since it is mother's day.

SS was excited. He said he was glad I was doing it, and won't it be fun. He, TR, and I.

Then, in class, he announced the next Sitcom Competition and told us we were in it. It is in June, and he wants to tape it, and maybe sell it to cable, so he wants us to work on comedy until then.

He gave me a Lovable Loser scene. He always tells me I can't play it because I'm not vulnerable enough.

I got up and did the read through, and he was impressed.

He said only minor adjustments, and I did the taping. He said great work. Told me he was trying to challenge me, and give me a role I can't play, but that I proved him wrong.

About time!

What Can I Say

Been pretty busy the past couple of days.

Sunday was all class, and show.

Did my sketch class in the afternoon. It is going well. My relations with BU are now at a very comfortable location. She is sweet, and funny, but my intuition that we wouldn't be right for each other was spot on.

The show that night was great. Bunch of drama students, and those fags really loved the show. It was at a country club, and the father of the guest of honor was president of the club. He sent all seven of us in the cast home with a doggie bag of incredible food, and a $100 tip. $100 each for all seven! Classy.

Monday was laundry and work. Boring but duty bound.

Plus, I drove myself insane.

And I'm still at it.

I keep thinking about TO in Paris with her BF.

Somehow, with the slight knowledge (not yet proven true) that he might be moving there, I have come to believe that it is only a matter of time before they are over and I will have a chance.

I want that chance.

It is waiting until I get it that is driving me insane. Add on to that the fact that she is there with him now, and I go bonkers. Plus, I have a very vivid imagination, and the pictures in my mind are detailed.


I know it is not healthy. I know I should just think of this as a friendship, and if something else happens then all the better. I should be looking around for another, just in case. I am actually trying. I am not as crazy as this reads.

Just when I get home, and I'm alone, and thinking, well, that's when I start to add the hour difference, and think of my own trip to Paris, and what I would be doing at 3 in the afternoon there.

Then, I go crazy.

Then, I imagine proposals.

Then, I go crazier.

Seriously, I know I'm a little fucked up. Hell, we all know that.

On the one hand, it is really sweet that a guy would think and care so much for a girl. On the other hand, when it isn't that guy's girl it borders on crazy.

Eh, I gotta go teach.

Like a girl I was training at the restaurant said last night.

She asked what I did, and I said actor/teacher. It was the first time I had said that to anyone. I told her I had wanted to be a teacher a long time ago, but then gave it up. Now, ironically, I am getting back to it.

She said:

When all else fails, you can always teach.

Sweet girl, huh?

Ah, youth. They think they are so entitled. Wait. They'll get theirs.

One Year and her again

So, last night was the year anniversary of my doing the improv comedy soap opera.

Every Friday night (with small exception) I have done an hour long comedy soap.

The exception is last August, we tried a different show, but I still did it every Friday night, it just wasn't a soap.

Also, the theatre ran a holiday show in December, so I didn't do the soap then either.

It feels like a long time, but I am actually very proud of that accomplishment. I am also proud of the four characters I have created in that span of time too. Even the one that limited me, and made me kind of hate the show for a bit, I still am fond of.

My Italian restaurant owner, and former Mafia hitman. Every week, he tried to get the beauty queen to love him, and every week he failed. Until the end, when they got married.

My drugged up, drunk, smokeaholic jazz man. Reality was a problem for him, but ultimately, he just wanted to do the right thing for the girl he loved.

My bitter, failure of a man, guidance counselor. He hated his life, and everyone around him, but came to realize that there is beauty in the world, and the right side of life is always possible.

Finally, my womanizing, conceited, money grabbing salesman. He is only half way through his existence, but I think he is coming to find that his loyalty to those he loves is trumping his desires for the cool American dream.

Here's to many more...



Now, a long time ago I posted in one of my very first posts about a girl who I had a very intimate conversation with, and who was very touchy feely with me.

I was still married at the time, and didn't let it go further, but she was the signpost that made me realize my marriage needed more, and that ultimately it wouldn't give me more.

Well, she was at the show last night. Her friend, who had introduced us, is in the show before mine, and they were in the bar afterwards drinking. I noticed her right away.

She still looks good, but I didn't go talk to her. She was with a guy, and I thought that I shouldn't remind her or whatever.

Also, I am in love with another, even if it is unattainable. Plus, I wanted to talk with TO since she will be gone now for two weeks. She sat down with me and my friends, and we just talked. I know that it might not be totally healthy and some of you probably read this and shake your head, but I do enjoy her company, and always look forward to talking with her.

So, there.

I just found it a bit strange that the girl who was my signpost so early in the soap opera life, would suddenly, strangely, be there on the year anniversary.

Doing the job

Last night, my acting class did an audition process. SS brought in a producer/writer for CSI to audition us.

He gave us scripts for small roles, saying those would be the ones he would actually bring us in on, and so it was a real audition.

My character was great. A bit womanizer, and fool. It was comedic relief. I thought perfect.

Did it. Felt good. He gave me an adjustment. Felt I did that great too.

Then, after the auditions, he went through each of us and told us honestly how we did.

He told me I seemed nervous. Told me he saw my script shaking. Told me that would not get me the job. They don't want nervous.

I felt like shit.

I keep fucking up when SS brings in the big guns.

I'm worried he may reconsider me for a teaching position if I can't get my acting together.

I just can't seem to let go of my desperation and overwhelming desire. Acting and girls. Two things I love the most and equally, and want more than anything in my life, and just like Lenny from Of Mice and Men, I squeeze the things I love so tight that I ruin them.

Makes me want to just scream.

To my credit, I did go home ready to cry, and I needed to rewrite my sketch. Now, I was NOT feeling funny, or talented.

But, I had no other time to do it, so I forced a change of attitude on myself. And without a drink.

After three hours of sitting in front of the computer, I got it done.

It's all right. Not great, but better than the first. So, there. Now tonight, I need to do the new assignment.

Funny, on demand.

Do the job.

When You're Write, You're Write

I am supposed to be writing and rewriting my sketch assignments right now.

I just can't come up with the ideas. So, I thought I would write here, with absolutely no idea, and see if I generate some funny.

Don't hold your breath.

Went out drinking again last night. This makes three nights in a row that I have lit a torch. I don't even know if that is an expression, but I like it. Lit a torch.

The first night was with my brother. Oh-vay. That was the worst. Heavy. Drinking.

Monday I was rightly hung over.

Then, that night I went to dinner with friends. I hardly go out with these folks, except for once every week, so I thought I would enjoy. She made a drink after herself, an Italian margarita of sorts, and well, how do you not drink to that?

We continued the scene back at their house, and the night was swell. Happy. Drinking.

Last night, I was training this kid at work. He works the lunch program, so I know him, and he is funny. His girlfriend also works with us, and I had trained her a few weeks back. She is a sweetheart.

He is a big dart player. My dad was always into darts, and we had a dart board in the basement while I was growing up. I'm pretty good. It has been a long time since I played.

Well, this kid invites me to go out and play darts. I thought I shouldn't. I should go home and not drink and write.

Then, I thought, go out. I am in a trying to get over TO mode, or at least stop being so obsessive, so going out would have done the trick.

So, I went. Played darts. Kicked their ass. Won every game. Four pitchers of beer. That's right, four pitchers of beer.

The only girls in the bar were the kid's gf and two other gf's. Their boys were bigguns too, so their was no smiles from me.

Still, it was a right fun time. I think I will go out and play darts some more. Healthy. Darting.

No ideas yet, if you were wondering. This is harder than it looks. Yikes.

Go to it!

This is my horoscope for today.

You should be feeling especially romantic and sensual at this time, dear Libra, and you might find yourself drawing admiring glances from those around you - even strangers. Your level of passion is high, and so this is an excellent day to plan a romantic evening. You could also be feeling especially creative, and could well want to spend your day in some sort of artistic activity. Go to it!

I'm not actually feeling romantic. I'm feeling obsessed. I have a one track mind lately, and I can't get off the ride.

Yesterday, sitting with my brother over dinner, and drinks later, he talked about his new girlfriend quite a bit. They are very new, and it has been a long time since he has had a girlfriend, and I think he really likes this one. It was sweet to see him talk like that, but I must admit it put me into a box of my own thoughts about TO.

I started to tell him all about it. The funny thing about this situation, every guy who I tell who is any kind of player, or smooth with ladies, says I have this one in the bag. Yet, I don't feel that way.

They all also give me wildly different advice as to how to proceed. Some say come out and tell, some say ignore her, some say plant one on her, and some say wait it out.

My own feeling is I would like to tell her how I feel, but I don't think that would be wise. I don't know. I flip flop on the topic with every thought. I tell myself to be patient, and then the next thought is, no, tell her how you feel and take action.

Even today, I keep getting on the computer hoping she emails me. She has no reason to. I just want to hear from her, and talk to her.

Fuck. I can't quit it.

My buddy, TH, called and I was a terrible conversationalist. I didn't want to bring it up with him, because I feel like people are bored of hearing about it. But, it is all I can think about, so I had nothing else to say. I could hear in his voice him trying to figure out if I was bored of our talk, or angry, or something. I told him I was just off my game.

Yesterday, my sketch went all right. Not as many laughs as I would have liked, but it did get laughs. My notes were pretty much what I expected. BU did indeed do the scene, and she even sat next to me during class, and was totally cool. I'm glad that didn't become some awful thing. Now, it is going to be easier.

I think she still likes me. I can see her trying to be funny with me. I think she is sweet, and funny, but it just isn't there. She can't compare to TO in my book.

Then a thought hits me. Attraction, and chemistry, and all that is so fickle. I was attracted to her, and then, snap, I wasn't. It could flip back, who knows, but it could not.

Then I think if it is the same with TO in concerns to me.

This whole thing, love and attraction, is so tenuous and tricky. So fragile. I wish I had a better handle on it, but I also do enjoy the emotions when they over take me. Well, some of the emotions. Some still over take me, but they aren't a joy.

One track mind. One track mind. One track mind. One track mind.