A year ago

I think Memorial day a year ago was the final straw for me and X without us really knowing it.

I remember we went to a couple's house for a cookout lunch, and then to a baseball game.

At the couple's house, we were talking about things that we were doing and that excited us. As X spoke, I remember thinking I had nothing to say on the subject. I sat lost, and that worried me a bit.

When the conversation turned to improv, I lit up, and began talking a blue streak. Sometime during my conversation, I remember looking at X and she couldn't have looked more bored.

That was when I truly realized that we were on different paths.

Later at the ball game, we didn't speak to each other. After the game, some guys wanted to go out, but X didn't. I chose to go home with her, that's what husbands do. Stuck in traffic waiting to get out of the ballpark, we didn't say a word to each other.

She said that was when she knew we were in a bad place.

When we got home, she went to bed, and I stayed up just watching TV.

Today, I feel full of emotion. A variety really. I feel a deep pool of rage in me. It has been there a while, never allowed to surface, but it occasionally blows. After work, I went and saw a movie, and leaving the movie, stuck in the traffic of the parking garage, I just started punching the seat next to me in my car.

Punch after punch. Trying to punch harder each time I swung anew.

Rage.

Also, I feel like I have this tremendous, overpowering wave of love to give. I don't know if anyone could handle it. My two long term relationships were both ones where I gave far more than I ever received. My first girlfriend even said that I tend to smother people.

I fear that may be true. I have never been smothered myself. I wonder what that is like, and why it is so bad. I wonder if I am doomed to do the same next time.

I can't seem to control it. I feel it pent up inside of me, and it is rattling the damn that has to keep it in.

Love.

Then, I sit here alone. Nobody to talk to. All this pent up emotion unable to find an outlet. So I write. Write about how I feel.

Then I spend all my days just trying to get my life to a place I want after so long of it not being anywhere near where I wanted it. Scrambling for money. Scrambling for happiness.

It tends to make my attention and focus very limited and pointed solely on me.

No wonder I am so self involved and have people coming up to me telling me that it is always about me.

A lot of time these days I do feel shallow.

KK said that it is my turn to be self involved. That after the divorce, or after any break up, that is what people tend to do. He said I was so long always about others, that it is actually good to see me be about me.

I hear what he says, but I also hear the confirmation that I am all about me.

I don't know. I don't think there are answers.

I just want to punch and love. Right now, in that order.