The Subject: Subjective

Last night's improv show was a curiosity for me.

I sort of play a villain. He is more a womanizer, but he is a snake, so he comes off villainous.

However, I have been ineffectual as a villain, and over the last three shows, repeatedly shot and tortured. So, I thought he should become a loser.

Part of what made me think that, as well, was being teamed up over and over with the character who is the biggest loser in the show. An actor who likes things to go his way, which isn't always good improv, but he is doing an extremely funny and likeable character this go around.

So, I kind of figured that my character was supposed to fall and fail. My director is one who also likes the shift of status and power, so that reinforced my decision to let my villain lose and become a loser.

I thought I did it well. I accepted, I reacted, I advanced plot, I altered relationships. All the things you should do.

Then, after the show, I had audience and castmembers tell me it was just a rough show and not to worry, I'll get my swing back.

HUH?

I thought I did great.

A cast mate actually told me that we need my character to become the character again. That over the past few weeks, we have lost him.

Well, yeah! If he can't be a villain because everyone beats him or isn't afraid of him, then what is he?

It kind of threw me to think one way and be told something else entirely.

Today at rehearsal, I mentioned it to my director, and he pretty much told me that he liked some of what I was doing, but he agreed with the other's opinion. He said the dangerous thing about my story is that I am not on the same page as others.

What?!

Later, he was talking how characters shouldn't maintain the status quo. That they should be altered and lose power or gain it if they had never had it.

I brought up my dilemma. I asked him how it is he can agree with the people who criticized me, when all I was trying to do was exactly what he is saying makes for good improv.

He said that was a fair point, but maybe my problem was in the execution.

My natural insecurity really just kicked in when he said that. Ok, so not only is it bad that I think I'm good but others don't, what is really bad is that I am doing exactly what I should be doing to be good, just I am doing it so poorly, that it doesn't actually make me good.

A fellow improviser, who saw my show last night then said she thought I was one of the few who had a good show.

To which, my director said, well there you have it. It is all just subjective.

So, where does that leave me exactly? It must have read across my face, because he finished with, the only reason we want you to be great, is because you are so good.

So, I am a great improviser who people expect great things from, but I am not on the same page with said people who are disappointed in my work, because I am doing all the right things in a poor way.

Is that the most confusing thing you have ever heard?!

Some times, I feel like I just don't know what I am doing.

Which means I must be doing it right, right? Or because I think it must mean that, it surely doesn't.

Ack!