Dark Cloud Lifting?

Maybe this week from hell is about to end.

I found this font, which is courier, and is close to the old. The size seems to be readable.

I have figured out how to bypass the auto dialer that hijacked my homepage.

I have my email running, even if there are only four addresses in my book.

I have been trying to buy a simple little Daffy Duck on eBay, and have been having trouble with the payment, and haven't been able to get ahold of the seller, and he just contacted me today saying he has been out of town, and will fix PayPal so that I can pay next week, and he'll send it too.

BM is back and that means no more picking up poop.

It is bright and sunny today, whereas, it had been gloomy this week.

Wow. In looking over the past week on the calendar, I just realized that we start up our show a week from tonight! Crazy. The hiatus is almost over.

Things are boding well.

I even have features now. Like bold and italic.

Met this young, young, young girl at the restaurant last night. She works during the day, but I never see her as she is gone by the time I get in. Well, she stayed late yesterday, and I was the first one in so we met. She is cute. We talked, and she is sweet, and I was charming. She asked me my name again before she left. I felt pretty good about it. I mean she is young, young, but, well, you know.

Then, later on I find out from TH that she sort of asked him out. Not anything specific, but the old "we should go out sometime."

He sees her almost everyday because he gets in much earlier than I. Not really a problem. She just met me, so who knows, and if she asked TH out that means she doesn't have a boyfriend, which is something I don't need to run into again.

The one thing I probably need to do is start working with a friend who isn't good looking and funny. I wonder if there are any openings where Mando works?

I miss my old font

I miss the old font and size I used to have. I'm trying something new each time, and we'll see if it strikes a chord with me.

I had stories to tell this week, but this whole com-poo-turd thing has made me want to be on here less and less.

Today is my last day of animal sitting. BM comes home today, and X does too. I think I am doing a short weekend stint for X over New Years. She's going to San Francisco. That's okay, I like her little guy.

Talked to my bro today, it is his birthday. He has been promising to send me his computer, since he got a real nice laptop from work. Since Sept, he has been saying he is mailing it. Then, he always says he is still using it, and has to finish one project and then I get it. Well, I guess the time has actually come. He said today he is packing it tomorrow, and the folks are shipping it. Makes sense, since he is moving to Alabama next week, and won't be taking it.

So, maybe I can weather this hijack for a few days, and then I'll just load up a new computer. That would be great.

I could go into more, but I really can't stand typing on this right now. You see, the new earthlink has a constant toolbar that scrolls the news, and it makes for a slow computer. So, when I type words, they usually don't appear until I am about four words past. Then, I am always going back and fixing the constant dyslexia language I sloppily type in. Some day I should just let it appear the way my furious fingers seem to want to speak.

Someday.

Well. Let's see what this font and size looks like. Sorry if it is that super tiny shit. Old people like us can't read that small.

Wiped clean

My history is gone.

My address book is deleted. I can rebuild that but it will take time. Some might be gone for good. Always back up.

My saved emails and folders are all gone. No getting those back. That sucks. I had so much stuff saved in there thinking it was a web page I could always access.

The worst thing is that it was a simple mistake that one of the earthlink guys made, but that can't be undone.

Now this too is all screwy. My blog wont publish the way it was supposed to. When I create a post, I have a number of new options, but I can't get to the way I prefer.

So, KK, SD, DD, Mr. Wilco in Boston, shooz... you all have to email me so I can get your addresses back.

That is if you can even read this. I don't know if it is printing correct because it sometimes leaves out posts.

Did I already say

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

cyber-jacked

My internet has been hijacked!

This totally sucks. I normally use earthlink, but they can't seem to fix it.

They had to uninstall my previous internet connector, which I believe has made it so I have lost all of my old emails, as well as my address book, as well as my favorites list.

The computer is running super slow too. I have a funny feeling that this baby is going to die on me soon.

I have to get ahold of my address book, and some of my old emails. I wonder how? Some savvy tech out there has got to be able to help me.

Anyway, if you don't hear from me regularly over the next few days, that is why. I can't go home to the cyber world I have known for so long. This totally sucks. Did I say that?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Christmas

So, this is Christmas,
and what have you done?
Another year over,
a new one just begun.
So, this is Christmas,
I hope you have fun.
The near and the dear one's,
the old and the young.
And so this Christmas,
for weak and for strong,
for rich and for poor one's,
the road is so long.
And so, happy Christmas
and a happy new year,
let's hope it's a good one,
without any fear.

War is over, if you want it,
War is over now.

So, this is Christmas,
for black and for white,
for yellow and red one's,
let's all stop the fight.
So, happy Christmas,
and what have you done?
Another year over,
a new one just begun.
And so, happy Christmas,
and a happy new year.
Let's hope it's a good one,
without any fear.

War is over, if you want it.
War is over now.
War is over, if you want it.
War is over now.
War is over, if you want it.
War is over now.
War is over, if you want it.
War is over now.
War is over, if you want it.
War is over now.

Tough Christmas

This is not easy.

Didn't help that I had to work tonight. People were such assholes too. I mean c'mon, folks. It's Christmas eve, and you are making demands of people who don't want to be there! Look past yourself for God sakes!

I'm sitting here, on my fourth drink, wishing to just talk to someone.

My folks called and left a goofy song message. I wonder what they did tonight.

We used to always spend Christmas Eve with my mom's family. We would all go over to the Grandfolk's house, and exchange gifts, and drink, and eat, and crack jokes.

Then, it moved to our house. Still, all was great.

Then, the grandfolks died.

Then, all the aunts and uncles and their wives and husbands took over and all the Christmas Eve's started to change. Still, they were family gathering to have fun, but sometimes there was no drinking and the night would end quick. Sometimes there was no food, and the night would get sloppy from booze.

Then, an uncle died. Then, an aunt died.

Then, the other's said we don't like you. Now, there is no more Christmas Eve.

At work, I tried to talk with people, coworkers afterwards, but many were trying to get somewhere and didn't want to stick around. I also had to make the rounds of animal sitting, so I needed to leave.

Tomorrow, on Christmas, I'm going to wake up alone for the first time ever in my life.

I've always either had a girlfriend, or have been at home. Not this year.

Later in the afternoon, I'm going to go to TH's house and open that expensive bottle of wine, the Opus 1. That will be nice. Maybe I'll bring a cigar. I don't know. Wouldn't want to spoil the taste of the wine with a strong cigar.

Then dinner at Benihana.

That will be all right. Not great. There is a bit of a tiff going on between MM and TH, and I don't want to be a part of it. Then, whenever MM is with MW, he always acts insecure, which I hate, and that makes me resent MW like it is her fault, when MM should just grow a pair of balls and tell things like he wants.

Yeah, so, as you can tell, it is going to be a unique Christmas.

I could deal with all the rest if I just didn't feel so alone.

What was I looking for?

The past couple of days, I have been sitting for X's kitten while she is back home with her family.

I stop by twice a day, once in the morn, once at night, and play and feed. This morning was no different.

Except...

I rummaged through her things.

Through everything. Kitchen drawers, cabinets, underwear drawer, medicine cabinet, checkbook, and shelves.

Why?

I had nothing that I was looking for. I found things I recognized and things that were new.

I just couldn't stop.

Is that a warped sense of possessiveness? Did I need to see or touch everything? I didn't touch the things, so I guess that isn't true. Just looked. No creepy sniffing or trying things on. No licking of plates and putting back. I'm not like that!

Odd.

Like Giving Santa A Piggyback

The holiday is wearing me down.

Throughout this split, I have been lonely and wishing for companionship, but always from some "other". Never from my ex-wife.

Christmas is turning out different.

This was the one holiday we actually had installed traditions into. Mostly since moving to LA, as an attempt to make it seem like Christmas since there was no snow or family.

Now, I am feeling the loss of those.

Along the lines of the lesson I learned on my birthday, I am going out and buying myself a gift. A nice, expensive one too.

Since I got this acting gig, and it pays (which is very important to me), I thought I might honor what I feel is the reason for getting the role. You see, when I read the script, the first thing I thought when reading my character was Daffy Duck.

So, I am going out and getting the three compilation DVD's of the old Looney Tunes cartoons. They have tons of the old cartoons, uncut, on each DVD. Mostly highlighting Bugs, but giving several single DVD's to the others. Daffy is well represented.

I think I am going to buy a stuffed Daffy to go on my dresser next to my stuffed Bozo too. You see Bozo was my hero as a kid, and he is why I became an actor. At the age of 7, I begged my mother to let me take clown classes so I could be Bozo. All she could find were acting classes, and the rest is comedy. That first acting class got me the connections to get me into my first play. Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. I played the hunter who is supposed to kill her, but lets her go, and gives the queen a deer's heart instead. Very important role. Also, I had a HUGE crush on the girl who played Dopey, and another very important lesson was learned.

So, in honor of all that, I got a Bozo doll a few years ago, and he watches over me. Now, I think it appropriate to give Daffy his space.

Wow.

Talk about a tangent.

Well, that's good. I was actually starting to tear up writing this, and the thought of that play made me smile a bit. Thank god for ADD, and the emotions that follow.

I also treated myself to another gift.

Chocolate covered cheeries.

You see, when my sister was a kid, just about the time that she could actually have a say in what gifts she got for us, but before she could realize what made a good gift, she bought me for Christmas a box of Choco covrd cheeries. Turned out, I loved it. Loved it so much in fact, I got it as a gift from her for the next three years. The first year that she stopped, I actually missed it.

The other day, in line at the store, I saw a box in the impulse buy section. I grabbed it. These are booze soaked, so it isn't exactly the same, but I like to think that if my sister had really been in tune with me back then, her boxes would have been booze soaked too.

So, memories, memories.

My Voice Of Reason

My friend SD is always trying to help. She is my voice of reason.

She doesn't find my ramblings funny or pretend or trivial. Sometimes, I do, but never her. She takes every word to heart and responds in kind. I love her for it.

She may try to help and wind up baring her soul, but it still helps. Even more than if she hadn't bared, because it just reinforces the universal truth that we all are the same, we just differ in the little things that weigh on our minds.

She told me that being in love doesn't solve it all. I wish she was wrong, but I know she is right.

I wish someday to find someone who would make me so, so, so very happy, but that won't happen. I might find someone who brightens my life for a bit, but eventually they will stop being novel and I will see me again, and then I will notice that they don't do it anymore. I don't look forward to that day.

I'm not sure how to fix it for me. According to SD, I really have quite a bit going for me, but that just makes me scared. I mean, if I have this much going for me, and still it isn't doing what I need, then what the hell is it going to take? Can I get there? Hell, man, I've been in therapy for five years! I'm definitely getting better, but not enough to stop the pain.

So what else?

If not love, if not mental health (or the nearest I can get), if not life's pursuits, then fuck man what?!?!?!

Seriously, who has it figured out?

Tell me! Write me now!

I know that is sounding a bit angry.... but as SD also says.... too long without sex can also make you a tiny bit frustrated.

A tiny bit.

Family Matters

My Christmas present from my folks arrived today.

I think it is a telling sign that after the mailman delivered it to my door, I let it sit on the table for about a half hour while I read a magazine.

I don't know when it happened, but my family has fallen out of favour with me.

Which is a huge departure. When I was young, my thought was family was everything. I don't mean young like a child, I mean in my teens and twenties. When young men typically reject their families, I vowed allegiance forever.

That is kind of an Italian thing. So, it isn't a huge surprise.

I was staunch in my view to other family members. If an aunt or uncle bad mouthed family, I would launch into an attack with all the passion that comes with the self surety of youth.

Then, I moved out here, and back home, family started dying. First, my uncle died, then my aunt. Afterwards, my family was shattered. My mother started to drink heavily, and has since rejected contact with her remaining two brothers. My father's family was never close, but even there, two brothers have been disavowed from conciousness.

My insular family hadn't changed ( except mom's drunkeness), but they have still lost out in my mind.

It happened around the time of my split from X. Suddenly, I couldn't stand my family and their overbearing love, or their attempts at sympathy. My sister has fared best, but even there, we talk maybe once every three months.

So, when the package arrived, I let it sit.

When I did open it, there were three small boxes inside.

One was filled with six tiny martini glasses. They are cute. Nice to have. Maybe a bit too colorful for anything I would buy, but as a gift, I like them a lot. Plus, I didn't have martini glasses, so they are actually useful.

Let's just ignore the implications of one drunk sending another martini glasses. I don't call myself a drunk anymore, so that implication has no ground to land on. Right?

The second box contained food packets. Seasonings to make cheese balls (I'm not kidding, three cheese ball seasoning packets), as well as chili mix, dip mix (garlic, horseradish, and spinach), and what seems to be the incomplete contents for apple crumb cake mix.

The third box was the oddest. It had an assortment of things. Here they are:

1. An international foods cookbook.
2. A wind up emergency flashlight like tool.
3. A pad and pencil for your car, presumably for creative bursts while driving.
4. A scrolling address label for luggage.
5. An emergency mini hammer, also for the auto, that is intended to be used to break glass in case of an urgent need to escape the car. It also has a knife like attachment for slicing your way out of your seatbelt. How festive!

So, according to my family, after a trip to some exotic land, I will be inspired to cook the native cuisine, and, desperately in the car at night, feel the need to consult the book and take notes. However, the confusion of driving, writing, winding the flash to read by, and reading will distract me enough to cause a terrible accident that will maybe ignite my car, forcing me to urgently cut my way out and break out for dear life!

Now, why is it that they are low on my priorities?

Merry Christmas all!

Boy, that got to me

Another holiday party. This time a girl from work through the party. Same girl who had the infamous Halloween party. This time I didn't get high. No, this time I did something else.

I decided early on during the party that I was going to piss people off. It was mosty a group of people that her roommate works with, so I felt no need to impress. In fact, just the opposite. I felt like I could piss people off, and not suffer the consequences. Big difference.

So, I started out the party by just telling people exactly what I thought of them. No matter who they were, I told it like it was. I also tried to pit one person against another. I would ask a person what they thought of someone else, and I would ask leading questions. Then, when that person came out on to the balcony where we were, I would tell them what the first person revealed to me. It was huge fun. Needless to say, a lot of people were not liking me. One guy almost started a fight with me. Hilarious!

There was a guy from work who I was talking with, he and his girlfriend were at the party, and I told them early of my goal. At one point, as I was telling him of my progress, he said that I had nothing to worry about, because he would have my back. He is a big guy too, so I really wasn't worried. He is also young, and really looks up to me, so I went along with what I wanted to do and say.

Then, he got me.

Later on, after everyone who didn't like me left, we were out on the balcony talking. We were talking about how we were getting to know each other, and how we felt about each other, you know, real guy bonding kind of sappy stuff. Well, this kid busts out with a question that really shook me. He asked me why I was so angry. Told me that everything I do has some real sharp anger in it.

I was flabbergasted.

I guess because he was right.

I really stopped being a dick to people after that, because I just couldn't muster it up anymore. It suddenly wasn't funny.

In fact, the whole drive home, that is all I have been thinking about.

Why am I so angry?

I asked MM, and he thought about it, and then said he thought it was because I never fit in, and early on that was really rough, and that now I still feel like I don't fit in, but it isn't as rough, but only because the one person who I feel like I don't fit in with is me.

Kind of cuts in to you, huh?

I think I am just looking for someone to take away the pain. Is that possible? Does the other person take it away? Or am I just wasting my time, and do I have to do that myself? I don't know. I just want it gone.

Lack of thought

I read other people's blogs and they usually have so many insights, or observations, or even just a verbose way of analyzing the daily tasks of their lives.

I don't. Sure, I can knock out a good story, usually involving me and a girl and the taking of some drugs. Occasionally, I can do some soul searching and ask questions of life that take up some space. But for the day to day, I am mostly a plot writer. Which is to say, I tell you how I did A, then B, then C, and so on.

My phone calls with my mother are the same way. She calls and says this is what happened this week. Your brother did this. Your father didn't do this. I went here and said that.

Who cares?

When I do ask her how she feels about something, she usually misinterprets what I am saying, or gives me an answer I wish she hadn't. Be careful what you ask for...

So, I'm going to try and be verbally insightful.

But, about what?

Well, I'll get back to plot points and we'll see what comes up.

Went to the ACME holiday show, which was High-Larry-Us. They rigged up the stage so that you entered through the back and came to the stage from behind the set. There you had to ring a door bell, and the cast answered the door, and you entered into their living room and the whole audience was before you. The cast gave cookies and then you sat down. If the cast knew you, they would turn to the audience and say, Hey everyone, Mary is here, say hi. Well, the cast knew a lot of people. I sat next to a fellow troupe member, and each time someone was introduced, I turned to her and said, I wish I was known.

I had a debate with TH recently about fame. He said he would love to be famous. I said I didn't really want to be. I said I just wanted to work as an actor all the time, but I didn't need or want fame. After the show yesterday, I told him the everyone knows everyone story and how I wanted to be known, and he said that meant I wanted to be famous. I said no, I just wanted to be known amongst that group, but he said it wouldn't stop there. Next, I would want to be known in another group. I guess that is most likely true, but I still don't know. David Steinberg was at the show, and to me, he is known but not famous. In fact, you might have trouble actually picturing him. When he entered the stage, my friend said, look that's David Steinbrenner. I told her Steinbrenner was the owner of the Yankees. See, that is known, but not famous. I'll go for that, thank you.

By the way, SHE wasn't there. Not that I looked, or heard someone laugh just like HER, and instantly bolt upright in my chair and cock my head to and fro looking for HER if that was HER laugh, only to realize it was someone with a similar laugh. No. Totally not doing that. This is so under control. I got a handle on it like I'm FEMA.

Then my acting studio holiday party.

I was feeling a bit mingle/networked out on my way there, so I delayed my arrival until 6:30, when the thing started at 6 and I was out of ACME by 5:30. When I did get there, I only knew two people. One was my TA (teaching assistant, for those of you long out of school) and the other was one of the girls I thought I would like to seduce. So, I talked with the TA. Needed time to move up to the T&A.
It was a great, long conversation with him, actually. I was glad for it, and it made us seem serious.

By the time I went for another drink, I slid over to the girl, and she asked what the deep conversation was about. I joked with her, and things were off. She was complimenting me on my talent, and I was inquiring about her, getting her to talk about herself, and actually being interested. I thought things were going super smooth. I even got in a couple of, baby, your beautiful, to let her know I was willing and she was hot.

Then, we moved on to other people. I thought that was fine, that I would make my way back near the end of the night, but I didn't. I guess, ultimately, my heart wasn't in it. I mean, if she had come over to me, and said, Hey wanna go back to my place, I would have.

As I have said before, I feel like hooking up is something that happens to me, rather than something I make happen. Maybe I find it more magical that way. Like destiny came in and fated us to be together, at least that night. The manufactured style seems empty. Unless, it is someone you wish a future with. Then, it works into your long term plan, and feels alright. Alas, these girls are not long term.

I chatted with four girls last night. Two were doomed from the start, as they both told me they were meeting other people after our party. Still, I thought I would go ahead with it in case I could convince them otherwise, but I never put the hard press on the convincing part.

One was the first girl I talked with, and if I had gone back at the end of the night, I probably could have sealed the deal. Like I said, I just didn't feel it.

You see, seduction comes in three parts. Opening, complimenting, and closing.

To open, you have to be funny or unique. This is where guys come up with lines, but the best is organic and of the moment. I was using the holidays. Half the people in the studio are Jewish, half Christian. So, I would go up to girls and toast them or hug them, and wish them a Happy Christmas or Merry Haunauka. They would let me know which, and then they would try to return the well wish. At which point I would tell them Ramadan. It is a funny word, and most people know it ( I did get a few who didn't know what I was talking about). Anyway, it got me the laugh, and I was in.

Complimenting. This is where you sell yourself and make obvious that you are "in to" them. I would talk about class, which made them compliment me on how hilarious I am, and what a good actor I am, and then I would tell them how good they were and how beautiful they were and how they were going to go far in Hollywood. All the cheesy crap you wish didn't have to happen. It stinks if you don't believe it, but for most of these girls, I was sincere. Not about how they would go far in Hollywood, but not because I think they are bad, only that it is tough and who really knows. Their beauty and talent I was sincere about. So, after it all, they realize that I am great, and that I think they are hot. That has sex written all over it.

Then the close. This is where I suck. It is the point where you stop joking around. You let the uncomfortable moments hang in the air. You look deeply into each other's eyes, and you communicate without words. This is where you also just lean in and kiss the girl. This is the spot with all the risk. This is where I crap out, and joke my way somewhere else, or just let the moment die until they leave or someone else interrupts.

I couldn't close.

Left the party and went over to KK's house. Bunch of guys were there playing cards, and R was baking, which I love.

I hope whatever girl I find bakes. It just seems so loving. Plus, the warm sweet smell that infuses into the house is pure joy. If I came home, and found my girl baking away, apron around her waist, dough flaking off her hands and a splotch on her cheek, the warm smell of sugar through the house, I would go right to her and take her there and then. Right on the kitchen floor. Fuck the batch that might burn, I'm burning for a batch of fuck.

Anyway, I regaled my friends with my failed attempts. Those that are the perpetual single types either empathized or tried to teach me how to correct my woes. The married just smiled, and behind thier eyes I could see the sigh of relief that they don't have to do that.

Then I got high, and then I popped a valium, and then I passed out, and then I woke up on a couch in my suit at 6AM.

A good story involving me and a girl and the taking of some drugs.

Tis the Season

Holidays.

They've got me a runnin.

Seems I have twenty things to do everyday. None of which require me to be at home. I'm actually off today. Still, I have a Christmas show at ACME to go to, then my acting studio's holiday party.

I'm dressing sharp for the party. I feel like looking good tonight. Wouldn't it be nice to get laid. That's all I want for Christmas.

Yeah, yeah, world peace. How about a wordly peice.

Still, though, I'm not going to go and try to make that happen. Never works for me. I'm the type that gets laid on accident. If I try, then I come off either as desperate or creepy like a wolf.

So, I'll just go have fun tonight, and make sure to tell a couple of really good jokes around the four or so women that I wouldn't mind seeing naked. Then, we'll leave it to the stars. Whom those women will probably leave with. The stars, that is.

The ACME show should be good. I hear it is very funny. Also, I'm just going to that to have fun. No ulterior motive. No thinking maybe SHE will be there. Nope. No thinking like that at all. No, sir. None. Uh-uh. Hadn't crossed my mind.

As you can tell, I am working on pushing that out of my mind.

As you can also tell, it's not working.

Well, gotta go pick up the pizza.

Sort of like picking up the pieces, but cheesier.

Like that joke.

Nobody knows, really

Boy, have I been busy.

Did a mystery show today on the Queen Mary. One thing, but not the only thing, I love about this show is all the cool places in LA I'm getting to see because we have a show there.

Anyway, did the show.

There are different levels of people in the company. Some new, some who have been around 10 years, some for 20. We all interchange. Well, everytime the newbies work with anyone who has "been around", we always hear, " You should do it this way, it works better this way."

Well, maybe it does, but the thing is... who knows. Maybe, by chance, we come across some new way of doing it that still works, or, dare I say, works better. The thing is, how are you going to find it if you don't try? You have to be willing to risk the fall to maybe find the even better thing.

Don't get me wrong. I love doing this show. A guy could get addicted to making his cash doing the thing he loves. It's just that I would like to do it my way. You know?

Well, the same thing goes with life.

The great thing about this blog is I get to write down my inner thoughts. Work them out, so to say. Also, some people get to read it. Kind of interesting situation, having people know the inner real you. However, it also makes for them to realize that sometimes you have shallow, one-track thoughts. Oh well. Sometimes I do. I obsess about something. So what.

I've had a few people come up to me this week and tell me to forget about TO. They tell me that it was a fun thing for a while, but now it isn't working. Or, to beware because of her morals. If I could steal her, then the same will happen to me.

But, how do you know?

You don't. Nobody does.

Sure, I have thought of all of that. Also, I am most likely laying off of the situtation for the time being. Not stopping feeling, just not acting on it. I couldn't control my feelings. If you know how, tell me. I could use it both in real life, and acting.

The thing is though, I have to try. What if this was the best thing ever to happen, but I didn't try because it works better the other way? You see?

Over and over I get these chain mail things that give affirmations for life, and tell you to pass them on. Or I read affirmations from knowledgable people. Always they include the following one:

Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

I agree.

I would add art to that as well.

Because, life is short man. Get out there and risk!

Who knows?

Nobody, until you do it.

A few thoughts at night

Been sleeping around the house most of the day. My energy seems to be here and there. If I ain't doing anything, I feel fine, but once I go out, then ka-bammo, no energy. Tonight, I did laundry with BM, and it nearly wiped me out.

BM is also feeling ill. I probably gave it to him, but he told me that he has been up until the crack of dawn Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights. All of those drunk.

I wonder what is becoming of the two of us. I wonder if this is healthy.

A girl at work always jokes with me that a night up until 3am is just another day at the office for me. I kind of feel the same about BM. I look at him, and listen to his stories, and I worry.

I know that he is just out and finding himself, but habits are funny things, and they start so easily. I am glad that he is living his life as the type of person he wants to be, but maybe that is why we are supposed to do that during our teenage years. Discovery like that takes a great amount of stamina, and we two just don't have it anymore. We are old.

Watched a couple of movies today. First was Pulp Fiction.

What a great movie. It has been years since I have seen it, and it sure is a stand up film. Still, in my opinion the best thing that Sam Jackson has EVER done. Maybe even Travolta, but he has had a few other great films too.

I was struck hard though. Uma playing Mia Wallace is almost a spitin image of TO. She has the same bob black hair, and big bright eyes, and a super energy, but a sharp wit that speaks of uber confidence and at the same time this tremendous vulnerability about her. I wanted to jump on the email and tell her, but I can't. That isn't my place.

Then I watched Cinderella Man. Actually, a good movie. I usually find Ron Howard movies to be so treacle, and this is a feel good movie, but it isn't treacle. It gives just what it needs to, and not much more. I really liked it. Plus, Paul Giamatti is just an astounding actor.

Usually I hate Renee Z as well, but she did good here. I thought her the weakest, but not ruin the movie bad.

I was struck by her love and loyalty to her husband.

God, I sure could use that.

I know I have said it before here, but the cosmic joke that the universe has played on me by getting me all amped up for a love that is true and deep and everlasting, and then teaching me that in fact I didn't have that, is a real fucking cruel one.

I just want a woman who I can align my hopes and dreams and fears and joy with. I want to have a fight that hurts your heart because you love the person whom you are disagreeing with. Or to come home, weak, and have them hold you and tell you how strong you are. Or to just watch them talk, and to look at them and how beautiful they are, and how happy they seem, and how you have some part of that. The pride you can take in knowing that this awesome, beautiful person who is everything to you is happy because of you.

If you know what I am talking about, and have someone who that applies to, then by god, go to them now, or call them, and tell them thanks. Let them know that you are happy they are with you, and hopefully, they will tell you the same.

I better stop. I feel my heart breaking.

ill'n

Rough weekend.
Woke up Saturday to go to Vegas, and I was sicker than ever. Chills, and aches, and sweats, and no voice. Not good.

Got to the director's house for the carpool, and she got out some Emergen-C, put it in water and gave it to me. Then she pulled out a big bag of pills and tossed that in the van, along with a pillow and blanket. Thank God, she is a mom, because I needed all of those things.

Spent the entire time in the van curled up in the fetal position shaking or sleeping. I popped chloraseptic, sudafed, advil, nyquil, dayquil and coldeez all weekend long. At the start of the trip, I held up the bag of pills and said, Hey, were off to Vegas, loaded with pills, someone call Rolling Stone, I have a story to sell on Monday.

Doing the show was rough. My character is as calm as Daffy Duck, and I didn't even have the energy to pee. Seriously, I couldn't stand, so I would lean against the wall. Then, there was no rush of a stream. Instead, I was a slow trinkler. Sad.

After the Saturday show, everyone was going to meet at a bar, and then go gamble. I wanted to go to bed. Still, I thought, how can I come to Vegas, and say I just went to bed. So, I met them at the bar, had one screwdriver (for the OJ) and then went to bed. See, I still got vitality. I'm not old yet!

Sunday was no better. Slept the night with chills and sweats. Couldn't really eat breakfast. It was a giant cheese omelete, and it was tough. Damn buffet food.

No lunch, cuz we were running late getting to the next show, and we were lost. Got there, and did the show. Afterwards, I thought I was feeling better. Got all excited like I finally beat down this beast, and emerged victorious.

Then I got in the van and started to hack up all the phlegm. Had to spit it into a napkin that I kept wadded up nearby. How humiliating. I have known these people for a total of six days over the course of the last 2 months, and here I am choking lugees in front of them. I don't like doing that in front of my friends of twenty years. It is not pleasant.

Got home, and checked email. Nothing. Crawled into bed, and slept 12 hours. Today, I am still low on energy, and my body feels achey and cold, but I am doing better. Still hacking up. Which is good, but unpleasant.

No revelations have come to me, except that being sick when you are single sucks. Nobody to kiss your forehead, or tell you you'll be okay, or tuck your head into their lap and let you sleep.

One of the girls in the cast kept telling me to drink juice, or lay down, or asked how I was. That was nice, but the touch is really the healing power.

I wish I had someone who wouldn't go have drinks with some guy so that she could come home and nurse me!

back on monday

Ok, last night kicked me. Both emotionally, and physically.

Smoked a HUGE cigar after I left the computer, and drank about seven more drinks. By the end (3:30), I was TM'ing people I shouldn't, and stumbling about the apartment, considering whether the couch was in fact the better place to sleep.

Then up again early this morn for another murdermysteryshow, and then off to the real restaurant for the longest, most boring shift in history.

Needless to say, or needs to be said, I am not feeling well. Lots of phlegm, and weary.

AND I LEAVE FOR VEGAS IN LESS THAN EIGHT HOURS!!

So, I will be back on Monday, hopefully alive, and I will let you know how that went. Also, with 11 hours of driving ahead of me, I might get in some reflection time, and maybe I will have new conclusions about my life.

Maybe not.

Now That's A Setback!

So, first, a disclaimer: I'm drinking! Hard! Might put a bit of a spin on the tone of what is to follow.

Second, history:

I emailed her earlier and at the end of it all, we had decided to do drinks tonight. Right now, in fact. Does my writing this post give you any hint that maybe that DIDNT happen?

Also, as part of the history, let me tell you what I have been planning. I asked a few people what the best approach was. I was really feeling like maybe something was developing. I wasn't sure about the boyfriend equation, but thought that all the uber flirting meant that maybe there was a chance for me.

TH told me that talking would kill it. I wish he wasn't right, but he is. Everytime I have talked about a potential relationship with a girl, it has NOT happened. He said to just kiss her, and let the talk come from that. I thought that was risky, but decided to do it because I thought it might be accepted, and that might put the talk on the table. I really had planned on kissing her tonight, and was thoroughly looking forward to it.

Third, what happened:

Went into tonights rehearsal thinking about the characters I was pitching, but ready to be flirty. I have been doing all the right moves so far, I thought I should just totally trust myself and my wishes.

Sat next to her, and it was the same thing as always. She is hyper aware of what I am saying and laughing at and everything. She showed me her book, and her stickers, and gave me a sticker, and all was good.

My characters went well, so I knew I was hitting a homerun in the "I am talented, so you should love me" department.

Afterwards, as I was planning the question of where we should go for drinks, she ducked out of the room. To be fair, there was an improv show going on right afterwards, featuring one of our troop members, and then another short show, featuring several big time improvers from the LA area. When I went out, I saw her talking with friends about watching the show. I put my clothes in my car and went back to watch the show. As I was returning, I passed her, and she didn't even look at me. I took that as a certain bad sign.

I sat down in the theater, and waited. I was telling myself to just enjoy the show, and let the night be what it was. She came in and sat behind me with the friends, and put her arm on mine briefly as she sat. I thought, well maybe things are alright.

The show was fabulous. I'm glad I saw it. LOVED IT.

After, she ducked out again with her friends. I hung around for a bit with two girls I know, but knew that I was fucked. She wouldn't even look over at me. So, me and the two girls started to leave.

I felt like crap.

Got to my car, and talked a bit with the two. Didn't listen to them, cuz all I was thinking is, this isn't the story I want to tell. Go make the story I want to tell happen. So, when the two girls got in their car, I turned back to go to the theatre. One girl asked where I was going. I said I had forgotten something. Just then, TO came around the corner alone. She saw me, and perked up. She had started to cross the street away from me, but returned, and we started talking. It was great.

I started to brighten. Thought to myself, this is working. Look how excited and happy she is. She is glad you came back. We were talking about the show, and our show, and it was going great. I was leaning back on a wall, just watching her, and loving her. She was so damn cute the way she was talking. God, I wanted to reach out and grab her and pull her close.

Then I did it. I said, hey, let's continue this over drinks. Let's go to the bar.

She said she couldn't. She said she was going home. She said her boyfriend was sleeping, and not feeling well. I gave her a bit of shit, but I knew I had lost, and I couldn't really be witty.

Then we drove away.

Shit.

I know that there is some strong feeling on her part, but not enough for what I wish. I can't stop feeling the way I do, and now that means sitting aside for a while, I'm afraid.

This sucks.

God, I wanted to pull her close.

Anything Other Than That Girl?

It seems like I have a one track mind these days. All about the girl.
Well, yes, there is more to me than meets the blog.

The pilot for one.

I did fifteen man on the street interviews on Sunday. I must say, I am really good at that. I have no fear, so I can approach anyone. I listen, and actually try to converse with people, which opens them up. I am funny, so they enjoy and talk more, and the crew enjoys and wants me to do more. I'm intelligent, so I get a good conversation from people, and raise questions you wouldn't think to ask for just a movie. I'm savvy, so I know when we are getting too much positive feedback, and ask leading questions so the people say something negative, or I realize we need more of this or that, and make it happen.

Now, after seeing what movies people were talking about, we have to go and watch those movies ourselves, and then review them. Of the four, I had not seen three. Last night, I saw Syriana. Had wanted to see that anyway. The next two, not so much. Still, I will end up seeing them. Can you say Potter?

My acting class is going well. I have been helping the producer of the Sitcom Competition show put together all the behind the scenes stuff for tonight's performance. I am not going to be in this one, but now I am part of the core group doing the shows, and I wanted to be a presence. The show tonight is our first in a real, live theatre. It seats 100, and we were hoping to get 40 reservations. Glad to say that as of today, we are sold out! I sat for hours last week and made phone calls to casting people to get them to come out, and it worked. The producer is very happy with me, and even asked me to come by tonight after, so that he could thank me.

The murder mystery show is going well. I go to Vegas this weekend for two shows, and they are paying room, board, and travel. I have two other shows during the week, and I am loving it. Last week, a woman in the show, who has been doing the show for years but hasn't worked with me yet, came up to me afterwards and told me that I had cracked her up all night long. She said she had never laughed at the waiter, and thought it a stupid role, but she said I showed her how it should be done.

Had breakfast with X last Sunday. It was good. I had mentioned how she was worried about me. Well, we talked a lot about our lives now. It was just like friends. She said she thought the cruelest thing she ever did to me was asking me to finally get married. She also said that a girl at school had asked her why she married me, and she gave a ten minute answer about how she was breaking down walls and becoming who she wanted to be, and her hopes of family. After the ten minutes, X turned to the girl and asked if that answered the question, to which the girl said no. The girl said that X had given the complete wrong answer. That the only answer to that question is, because I loved him.

Pretty powerful.

I asked her if she wanted to get back together, and she said sometimes she did, but really only because she wants someone to take care of her, not that she really wanted ME. She asked me the same, and I flat out said no. Kind of took her by surprise, but she agreed that is really the only answer too. She was pretty cool about all of it. I am beginning to have faith in us becoming friends.

Speaking of friends, the dog and cat are finally there. We have been able to leave them together unsupervised. They are cool to each other. The dog is still a bit too interested, but he doesn't do anything about it, and the cat just ignores him. Finally.

That pretty much sums it up. See, a lot of stuff going on with me. I am pretty busy.

I am introducing my two new Scandal High characters starting this Thursday.

Then after rehearsal, I am going out for drinks with TO. We confirmed via email

In fact, that is all I can think about. All day long, and most of my dreams. It was a struggle to write this post.

Yeah. I am doing fine.

Speaking the Want

Great quote from a song:

If you want something, don't ask for nothing. If you want nothing, don't ask for something.

A while back, in the shower I remember, I thought about myself. (Hey, this is clean, don't go to those thoughts!) I thought about what I wanted. I wanted the film talk pilot, and the girl.

I had gotten a callback, and had an electric night with her. I decided I wanted both. Imagined getting both. Went with the concept that what you think and what you say are very tangible, and putting out the right thoughts and words can make a difference.

After a few days, I hadn't heard from the film talk folks, and thought, oh well, nice try.

Still, went for the girl.

Yesterday, the film talk folks called. I got it. Just the pilot for now, but I am already saying that I want it as my job. I am thinking that, and saying that, and it WILL happen.

Also, I feel like this is happening with the girl. I am not entirely sure, email is a tricky thing when it comes to jokes and tone. She could just be joking, but I don't think so.

My gut says she wants me, and I want her.

I just sent another email off to her. She had responded to my second, and a bit racy too. I thought I wouldn't respond to her via email, but I just can't get her out of my mind. I can't wait until Thursday.

Went to a party that she was supposed to be at last night, but she hadn't shown. So, I wrote her that I went and wished she had been there. Told her that I guess I have to wait until Thursday, and that drinks are a go.

I wanted to say to her, what is this between us, and let's go with it.

That isn't for the email, that is for in person. Especially, if it goes well.

My thoughts and my words are creating reality. I want to tell the story I want to hear. I will make that story true.

I want the pilot, and I want the girl.

A Good Sign

I said I had determined what would be a good sign. I made a mental list of actions that could be taken, and put them in an hierarchical order.

They were this:

She writes back with a joke - very good sign.
She writes back serious - could be good
She writes back too serious - could be bad
She just doesn't write back - obviously bad

Looking them over, I still think that is the correct assessment.

I really thought I would have to wait quite a while today for any sign.

What I think, though, isn't reality.

She wrote back at 9AM!

9AM! That's early! You really gotta wanna respond to write at 9AM!

Those of you reading from work... it's a different life when you work nights. Like she does. You aren't surfing early to get into the work mode. You are sleeping.

So, when I got up and saw her email, I leapt.

Here is what I wrote to her last night:


Where were you tonight, missy? Missed a great rehearsal.

Is this what I turned Zebra down for?

Phhsss, I've heard that one before.

Drinking at A----i by myself is dumb.


Here is what she wrote:


Well after you dissed me two weeks ago, I didnt think it was worth it
to keep chasing your tail. Go to Zebra, if you really think you'll be
happier there. I'm not stopping you.

Yeah, I'm sad I missed - work pulled one of those famous: everybody has
to work tonight, don't ask off. Super lame.

See u next week? Also, for Christmas, I like perfume.

And you weren't alone at A----i's, I'm sure super-gay pirate was there.


Sounds like she knows she has me.

So, what. I haven't been trying to hide anythink.

What it also sounds like is... I'm in her head. She keeps thinking about that night. Plus, the gay pirate is a reference to the VERY FIRST TIME we drank together there back in mid October.

She can't stop thinking of me.

I wrote back to her. I wrote:


Dissed you? You were the one who couldn't handle a date with me. I guess
having a boyfriend gets in the way of your love life.

---- some serious business stuff here -----

perfume, huh? I took you for a girl who likes bacon.



I must say, that is witty and risky. I brought up the BF!

I pushing. Push, push, push.

This feels good. C'mon, admit it. You love reading about this!

Imagine livin it!

The one where the boy does something rash.

Rehearsal tonight.

My first chance to see TO since the fatal sigh. All day I have been preparing to see her. I was ready to read every sign, and send every signal. I rehearsed potential lines to potential scenario's. I was, in short, a pathetic boy.

Rehearsal came, and went, and no TO. I don't know why. My demons told me that she doesn't want to come anymore, because I make her feel uncomfortable, and gross. Then, I stopped listening to them.

Still, demon's influence or not, I didn't get to see her. It has been two weeks, and that is a long time for obsessions. I sure could have used a bit of her tonight.

Left empty, and hung out with a few folks at the bar, but it wasn't the same as the electric moments I have with TO. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but pure denial makes it grow crazy.

So, I came home, and actually checked my email to see if maybe she wrote me.

Why? Why would she write? I don't know, but there was a part of me that thought she just might.

So, I was there at email, with no word from her, and, well, what do you expect from me? I'm weak.

I wrote her.

Yep. Probably not smart, or patient. Not the actions of a guy who is trying to respect the situation she is in. Not the actions of a guy who said he wouldn't steal a girl. Nope. Dirty.

Or, I played my hand too aggressively. Either way, it is done. It went "out there".

I was witty, to be sure. Now I'll have to check and obsess over my email all day tomorrow.I have already determined what would constitute a good sign, and what would be bad.

Misery, misery, misery.

Give me more!