The difference a day makes

Long day yesterday.

I was drained. Emotionally wiped.

Odd, I chose not to tell BM about my night of woe with X.

I don't know why. When I awoke in the morning, still reeling over the previous night, he asked me how the night had went, and I just said, Fine.

What am I hiding? Am I protecting her, or me? Why can I tell some people everything, even stuff I'm not sure I want to tell, and others almost nothing?

Spent the day at a business seminar. I didn't really learn anything new, but he did teach a great mindset. He treats acting and show business as a business, and helped me to see how to think that way. Is it easy? No, but it's what I want to do, so I better know how.

Each hour, we would get a ten minute break.

I turned my phone off going into the seminar, because I think that is rude, plus, if I had it on vibrate, I didn't want my attention going there instead of on what he was saying where it should be.

But, each ten minute break, I would turn it on to see if I got a call. From her. Finally, I did.

She said sorry. She said she was drunk. She said we should talk. We are going to talk tonight.

I don't know what she is going to say. I don't know if my surmising of the situation is correct or not. I don't even know if she is going to tell me.

I have to focus on what I am going to tell her. That's all I can do. What do I want.

I don't want to get back together.

I don't know if that is absolutely true, down to my deepest core, but I think it is.

I hate going backwards in life, and getting back together would be going backwards. At this stage.

I think if we dated other people and had other small relationships, and then said to each other, let's get back together, than fine. Not until then.

At least for me. I know I would like to date someone else.

I want to see if I can find a girl who is fun. Who giggles. Who laughs at me. Who is demonstrably affectionate. Not necessarily out in public, but at least at home.

I still want all the qualities I had. Artistic, liberal, nice to others, caring, smart, conversational, spontaneous, a little crazy, a little neurotic, sense of style.

Oh, add in sweet face, nice tits, not too heavy(but I do like curves), and tall.

Ok, that is my list.

But I am digressing. I'm not going to tell X my list tonight.

No, I will tell her that we are through.

And that I do want to be friends, but that means she has to treat me like a friend. No coming around when you are lonely to get fucked, or to hold and kiss.

I can hug you. I can help you with your loneliness by talking it through with you, and hugging you, but that is where it ends. We are just friends now.

That's what I will say. I don't know if we need more time away from each other. I thought things were going well, but I don't know now.

After the seminar last night, I went to a local club that teaches swing dancing and then bands play.

The group was going for the dance lessons, but I missed them. I thought to myself, I don't need dance lessons. I had swing lessons before, and I'm a good dancer. I'll pick up the steps and fake it until I do.

Then everyone at the bar started dancing.

They were really good. Guys and girls. You could watch a couple who really knew what they were doing, and wow, they were good.

It was cool watching a guy ask a girl, and then having them realize on the floor how good they were. The smiles that would slowly break out across there faces. The moves that would start to get a little more complicated, or much more free. The groove that would start to replace the smiles, as they settled in for some real enjoyment. The looks they would give each other, as they realized they were having some of the best sex of their lives, just they were standing up, clothed.

That's when I thought, I don't think I can do this.

I shouldn't have felt that way. I don't mind making an ass of myself. It is one of my strong suits. Some of my friends are great with women, but they are so afraid of making an ass of themselves, they stifle themselves. I don't want to ever be like that.

So, I was thinking, I should just get up and go ask some girl. So what I can't dance. I probably should have too.

But, I didn't.

I thought I got smarter. I asked R to dance with me, thinking it would be a practice run, and then I could swoop down on another girl, armed and dancerous.

But, dancing with R, I realized I wasn't dancerous, I was dangerous. To her.

I kicked her, I twisted her arm. At one point, I sent her careening off almost into the stage.

We laughed about it, but that's because it was R and me. Imagine if it was some girl I didn't know. Sure, I would make a self deprecating joke, and maybe I could save it with my humor, but sheesh man, the guys who could dance sure looked like they would have an easier time than the guys who could go waka-waka.

So, what did I learn?

Go take the dancing lessons. At least a little so that you don't kick her, and so that you can lead her enough.

I can still suck, but at least if I have a tiny knowledge, when I suck my joke won't have to be so self deprecating.

Because the best form of self deprecation comes when the audience knows you don't really mean it.

It's just a joke.

Wish me luck tonight.

Mistake

First, let me tell you that I am on my new computer, and it is great. No more of the pauses that have ruled my life the past month.

Second, let me tell you that I just had one of the worst nights of my life.

I went to X's b-day party, and she was drunk. She tried to kiss me, and I said no, and she started to cry, and I took her outside to get some air, and she started to tell me that it wasn't what I thought. We started to talk, because she always asks me what I am feeling, so I decided to tell her. I'm not sure she listened, but she did start to hint to me that there is something she hasn't told me.

Eventually, I think I got out of her that maybe there was someone else during our breakup. I'm not sure if it was serious, or if it is even real, I might be reading into it, but she seemed to strongly indicate that there was someone else making promises to her that didn't come true.

To try and convince her that she could be open with me, I started to tell her about the girl who was very tender to me the night before X and I decided to split. As I was talking, she was getting mad. Finally, she stormed off into the bar.

After that, I decided it was probably a mistake that I came. I went back inside and grabbed my drink. She came up to me, with her coat on, and asked what I was doing. I said I was leaving. She started to cry. She asked why. I said I felt like I was ruining her birthday. She said it wasn't my fault. I said I didn't know what she didn't want to tell me, but it was surely wrapped up around me, and it was making her cry on her birthday. So, I told her that she was special and I would most likely always love her, and I wished her a happy birthday, and then I left.

Then I went to a bar and had a drink and cried the rest of the night.

I feel awful. Not because there might have been someone else, though that might hit me later. Mostly because I know she is out there hurting, and I didn't want to give her that as a gift on her fucking birthday!

This truly sucks.

This all truly sucks.

I can't stop crying.

The Pity I'll Feel

Went and saw the movie The Squid and The Whale tonight.

Go see it! Awesome!

If you love Wes Anderson's films, this is for you. Full of melancholy, and pathos, and humor.

All about the ramifications of divorce.

Ok, maybe I'm prejudiced.

Still, I think you would love it. The thing is, I am prejudiced, and I loved it and hated it because of that.

By the movie's end, I was crying uncontrollably. Not because it is sad, rather because it is true.

I think I will always pity the case of a divorced person.

I understand the feeling of hate, born of love. You could be doing everything in your power to destroy a person, and still be doing it because you absolutely LOVE them.

The pathetic nobleness of that situation is sublimely beautiful to me. Maybe because I feel sometimes that I live it.

Anyway, I felt such empathy towards the movie, I say see it, and see for yourself. Tell me if you don't understand what I am talking about.

I don't need you to feel it too. I'll still cry without you.

Too Simple

Conundrum.

What is right, by my values, to what is right, by my needs.

There is this girl.

How many tales of woe have started out with that line? This is another tale that wiser men would advise the young to steer clear of.

You see, there is this girl who is at the acting studio I'm involved with. We used to be in class together, but since I was moved up to Master class, I don't see her anymore.

That is, until today.

We are putting on a showcase this Tuesday, and we are drumming up industry types to come to it. Today, we made cold calls. The producer of the show asked for volunteers amongst the studio students, and the open secret is that if you volunteer, you will most likely be in future shows.

So, she showed up to volunteer.

Oh, and she likes me. I already knew that. This isn't a blog of discovery. This is a blog of weighing morals.

We were in class together, like I said, and she would always tell me how great and funny I was. She asked me questions like how long I had been out here, and where do I work. Stuff like that to find out more about me. Turned out she works near where I work, and she stopped in once to see me, but I wasn't there that night.

This all sounds good, right? What is the problem, right?

Well, she is... to put it nicely... simple.

To not put it nice, she's dumb.

I mean she's sweet! She's young! She's southern. She's simple.

She's probably about 23 years old, and has a lean body that a 23 year old should have.

Young and simple.

Not really what I'm looking for. Young I could compromise on, if you showed me some substance.

At the Christmas party for the studio, I talked with her quite a bit, wrestling with my inner demons. My better self won that night.

So, I walk into the room today for the calls, and there she is.

The producer and I start talking about wine. He is a huge wine collector, and recently went up to Santa Barbara for a winery tour.

He was telling me about this great winery where they have horses, and you stroll around petting the animals as you get tanked. He told me I HAD to go there.

I said I couldn't wait to go up for a winery tour, but that I was waiting until I had appropriate female companionship to make the trip worth it.

She then turned to me and said, I would love that, Tony.

I stopped dead in my tracks.

She is basically saying take me up north, get me drunk, and lay me down south.

I couldn't speak for a moment.

I just stared at her lean body, thinking YES! Then, I would notice her leather boots with her jeans tucked into them, and her blank expression, and I would imagine the conversation on the two hour drive, and the buckets of wine I would have to down so that conversation wasn't necessary. I would think NO!

Then, I would think about how long nine months is, and has been, and I would think YES! I would think about how little I see her in my daily life, and how there isn't anyone else right now who fits that bill, and who is willing, and I would think YES!

Then, I would think about her showing up at work to surprise me, and subsequently talking to people, and I would think NO!

Or the people at the studio finding out, as you damn well know they would, and NO, NO, NO!

I just stood there.

So simple. So, so simple.

Just not for me.

Being Cool... A Story in Two Parts

Part 1

The other night, I watched the movie, The Blues Brothers. Love it.

It made me think of a funny story, which I told some folks at work.

Back in '90 - '91, I was living in Lincoln, NE. I was there for women and drugs.

I worked at a Mexican restaurant, and there was a little blond cutie who everyone dug. I asked her out, and she said yes.

We planned on a movie and some drinks. Who knows what else, huh?

The day of the date I found out that Matt 'Guitar' Murphy was playing at the local blues bar. I really wanted to see him due to his BB connection. Before the movie, I mentioned it to my date, who seemed less than thrilled. She was too young to have seen the movie, and too white, small town to love the blues, I guess.

We saw the movie, Silence of the Lambs. Great movie, great date, so far.

After, we went for some drinks. I instantly pressed for the blues bar. She still said no.

So, what did I do? Yep, I left her. Made sure she could get home, and I went and saw Matt play.

By the way, great set. Two shows. Got really drunk. Fond memory.

After telling the people at work this story, they made fun of me for leaving a date, and potential lay, for a blues show.

I don't get it. I think, even now, looking back, I did the right thing.

You know how many dates, and lays I've had since that night? Puh-lenty! You know how many times I've seen Matt 'Guitar' Murphy since that night? Never again.

Looks to me like I made the right priority choice.

Part 2

Rehearsal tonight. Laid back. We sat in a circle and told stories about ourselves, and then we all assigned each other nicknames.

My nickname is Ducky. Appropriate, I think.

TO was there. As I said, I have released myself from my crush on her. I hardly looked at her when she came in, and we were not anywhere near each other for the circle of stories.

The last time I saw her, she was cool. She had one night of trying not to encourage me, and then the next time we had rehearsal, she sat next to me, but we didn't talk much.

Then, tonight.

After the circle, she came up to me, and asked how I was doing. We began to talk. When rehearsal resumed, we sat next to each other. We normally did sit next to each other, so this wasn't new.

During the second half of rehearsal, we cracked each other up with side jokes. Then, rehearsal was over.

A fellow troupe member was doing a show at the same theatre a half hour after our rehearsal, and I asked TO if she knew the second troupe performing with our fellow trouper. She said she did, and that they were very funny, and she was going to watch the show. I said great, I had planned on seeing the show too.

She then said let's go get a drink in the half hour space between.

We walked to a small Italian joint, and had a glass of wine. During our drinks, we talked. She wanted to know more about me. I told her about my divorce, and my goals for acting. She told me about her boyfriend, and her new diet and attempt at a healthy life. We told each other how old we are: she 29, me... well, older!

It was a nice conversation. We finished our drinks, and went back to the theatre for a great double show. We sat next to each other, even though she knew plenty of people there. As we were leaving, she gave me a CD of some of her favorite songs.

Then, I got in my car and drove away.

I didn't hang on her every word. I didn't try to play the cool lothario. I didn't fill the talk with innuendo. I just had a drink with a friend, and then went to a show.

I thought the whole time, she is really great, and what a shame she is taken, but I'm glad she likes me, and we are friends. It was nice. I feel really great after it all. I look forward to hanging with her. She is fun and cool.

And I am cool too. She told me that tonight. She said she thought I was cool. I told her that was the first time I had ever been accused of that, but I would live with it.

Humble, dignified, funny, cool, and not desperate. Who can resist me?

The Gift Message

You see, one of the extreme problems with women, as far as men are concerned, is their insistence on "reading into" everything. Every sentence has another meaning, every action has a revealing tell.

Men don't think this way. We are blunt and simple. Women just don't realize that. So, they put ulterior meanings into things that really didn't have much of a primary meaning.

Men are aware of this. That is why giving a girl a gift is near torture.

How will the gift be perceived? What will she think I am saying about what I think we are experiencing?

The first gift of a relationship has kept Pepto Bismal in business for the last twenty years. If it wasn't for Christmas gifts, Xanax was be only a recreational drug.

Now, I have discovered a new threat to my mind's structure. The post marriage birthday gift!

X's birthday is next week. I'm doomed.

She already passed the test. She got me a birthday gift. A really good one too. Probably the best, most incisive gift she EVER got me. It was the Martin Scorsese bio of Bob Dylan, No Direction Home. If you haven't seen it, I recommend it.

It had the double meaning! You see, I have a DVD of The Band's final concert directed by Marty, The Last Waltz (also watch this one), and loved it. I love me my DVD's. X never really appreciated my obsession with them, and would only buy me a DVD if I instructed her implicitly.

Now, her getting me that DVD said, I know you love these DVD's, I know you love this music (The Band was Bob's backup band before they became The Band, that's how they got the name), I know that we are split, but I want you to know that I get it.

That $24 gift said all that!

Now, I have to do the same!

Here are my thoughts, meager and weak as they are.

Two CD's.

She obsesses over music. CD's will give her that. Two says I can match your price, plus give you options to either double obsess, or to enjoy both and break the obsession. Thereby, acknowledging the obsession, and commenting on it as well.

Not strong, I know. Doesn't really comment on the relationship as it stands now. That's where the choice of which two comes in.

She has asked me to burn her a CD that BM has, but it has protection on it and can't be burned. She loves some of the songs on it, so I was thinking of getting that CD for her. However, here is the rub. The title of the CD is Everything Ends.

Will that be read as the comment on the state of things? Is it so bad if that is read that way?

Why can't it just be a CD!?!

I think I will get her that one. She wants it. I'll just have to pair it with another CD with a nice title.

Maybe that Don't Worry Be Happy thing from years ago.

Getting To Know You/Me

Ok, important discovery going on over here.

I got out of class tonight, and I was feeling up. I wanted to hang out with someone.

You know me, I don't care to be alone. I can do it, lately better than ever before, but even now, I'd rather be with some person, any person.

That's why as soon as I was out of class and feeling high, I wanted contact. Not necessarily romantic, though that wouldn't hurt, but human.

As a guy at work once said about me: You're the most gregarious person I've ever known.

Then, knowing I had no one to call, I started to feel my mood slip. So, what did I instantly think to do to try and keep me up?

Looney Tunes.

A little comedy, or something rather mind involving that is also enjoyable, is the secret to loneliness for me.

A couple of weeks ago, I told my therapist about my inclination to sometimes have severe self loathing. As we freely talked, I told her I thought the loathing was rooted somewhere in the place where I feel lonely.

Then, after the split this summer, I would come home to nobody, and either drink to forget I was alone, which of course just made me sadder, or I would turn to porn, which of course just made me sadder, after a brilliant fleeting moment of some kind of wonderful. Hooha.

Part of what has gotten me onto my feet this year, along with the mental mind game of knowing it is a new year, has been the cartoons, and then as an extension of the cartoons, sometimes I'll watch a whole movie at night. It's funny, but I was slathering over BM's HUGE DVD collection, but I really hadn't watched any movies all last fall.

Now, I know that that is partly due to depression, but also the depression is partly due to not watching any movies.

So, I figured that out tonight.

Now, if I am feeling down... comedy! Or drama. Or thriller. Or action. Just something, goddammit.

Yeah, you know, by the time I die, I'm really going to know how to live.

Let me tell you, Joe

So, we had a premiere party for a theatre event last night at work.

The show was a one man show by Jay Johnstone, the ventriloquist who used to be on Soap.

Apparently, it is really good, and very moving, so, you heard it here first. Or did you? Where else have you been!?

I loved Soap, so I was geeked to see him, and except for say an extra 15 pounds, he looks exactly the same.

We did get several celebs too.

Tom Poston and Suzanne Pleshette came in. Turns out they are married. How funny, due to the Newhart connection, they found love.

Then, I saw Charles Martin Smith from American Graffiti and the Untouchables.

Charles Durning was also there. As was a guy from Hill Street Blues, and a guy from NYPD Blue.
Bochco, Bochco, Bochco.

Adrien Zmed was there. Yes! That's right, ADRIEN ZMED!

Also, Joe Mantegna.

Now, this one was special. I knew right then, I had to talk to him.

You see, not many people know this, but Joe owns a restaurant, a little dive, in Burbank that serves up authentic Chicago style dogs, and beefs, and polishes. Whenever MM and I are jonesing, we go there. It's called Taste Chicago.

So, I went walking up to Joe, he was talking to some woman, and I said, Mr. Mantegna?

The woman walked away, and he turned to me and said, yeah?

I have to thank you sir. Not only for your tremendous acting, but even more important to me, as a Chicago transplant, for your restaurant!

He pumped his fist at me, and said, 'At a boy! 'At a boy! That's why we opened it. For you boys. We'll keep you knee deep in beef!

I thanked him again, and politely walked away.

Knee deep in beef. Thank God for Joe.

Blah-g

Hola.

Couple of days have passed. Weekends are not my best surroundings for writing here.

First, the BGR is always around, so it is odd writing in front of him. I always feel like he will peek over my shoulder.

Second, Saturdays I usually wake up late from the night before. Partying after the show is not a constant, and not as late as it has been, but still I am wiped out. Then, after waking up late, I am off to work sooner, so not much is writ.

Sundays, kind of the same. This Sunday especially.

Woke up very late, and super hungover. The group had a little party for the BGR's b-day.

Fun time. MM made some mind blowing drinks. Little shots that he called peach pit. Found myself sitting upright and asleep on the couch. I guess I was out for nearly two hours. I was having a blast before that.

Got to see a couple whom I haven't seen in a long time. They are preggers, so they don't come out much. It was nice talking to them. They were trying to set me up with a couple of single girls that they know, but I don't think I'm ready for the set up yet. I need something more organic, and ultimately casual.

As the night went on, I started to dance. They were playing some awesome blues on the sat radio, and I couldn't contain my feet. I really like to dance. I suck, but it is fun.

Then, I went to la-la land on the couch. Woke up Sunday, barely could move. Had two hours of head holding, juice drinking numbness, and then went to work.

I'm all stuffed up too. These past days I'm running like a gutter in a rain storm. I thought it was the end of a cold finally draining, or the beginning of a cold settling in to my head with squatters rights, but a number of people at work have the same symptoms, and they say it is allergies from the Santa Ana winds. Huh?

Not much engrossing to talk about today. Later I will go to work. I'm on the big push to make money, and not spend it so that I can recoup some losses here.

Exciting, huh.

Elation/Deflation

Well, after writing my post, I went out to do some grocery shopping. Coming back, I checked the mail, and... WaLa!

My Daffy Duck arrived!

I ripped open the bag, and promptly placed him in his proper place upon my dresser. (Try saying that sentence like he would and you could water your garden!)

Oh the pride, oh the joy! The pride and joy. Inspiration to actualization. Bozo to Daffy.

My swelled chest and I made our way back out to the table to peruse the rest of the mail.

That's when... Doing! Duh, duh, duh, DUHM!

I got the frickin bill. The $500 bill I was just saying I wasn't going to believe would come. It came. And it's only the first.

Boy, oh boyo, did my swelled chest heave. Oh the pain, oh the worry. The pain and worry.
Denial to debt. Welcome back credit card! I missed you these past couple of months.

Ok, universe. Start providing! Do you hear me, buster?!? Get on with it already!

Well, there's always travelogues.

This Is It

Sorry, but I don't really have anything to say today.

Neither was I wordy yesterday.

I have found, what with all the acting stuff going on in my life (which I love), I seem to only think and speak about me and those activities. Kind of self centered.

It makes me think of an actor I met awhile back. His wife was friends for a bit with my wife, and at a party I got to talking with him. He was a big time commercial actor, and was working solely as an actor. I thought he was the biggest self centered prick.

Turns out, he was a big time ACME person. They still have his photo up on the website as if he were an active member, but he hasn't done anything there in years. He hosts some talk show on cable now.

Well, I guess the good thing about that is if I am becoming self centered, maybe success is soon to come. This guy actually bought a house, he's doing so well. Out here in So Cal, a house is only for the gods.

Got my new computer by delivery yesterday. Can't wait to set it up and get rid of this piece of crapola. Just got to get with my IT guy, and all is set to pop.

I think I have officially killed my crush. I haven't thought about her all week, and didn't even realize that until last night when she didn't show up to rehearsal. I wasn't even feeling withdrawal when I realized she was not there. Finally. She is great and all, and if she were to break up, I can't say what would happen, but I have to put my energy elsewhere, and I think I'm finally going to do that.

It's funny, but I can tell I am back on my feet because I don't feel lonely. I come home alone, and I can entertain myself. I go places alone, and I feel just fine. I don't have a particular woman I am obsessing about, and I that doesn't bother me.

Wow, all signs of a healthy male.

I have to say that me recent gift to myself is turning out to be one of the best things I've gotten myself. If you recall, I bought the three Looney Tunes box sets for Christmas. I usually watch about three or four cartoons right before bed, every other day or so.

During the day, I think about Looney things. If I make short tip toe steps, I hear the high register of a piano plinking away as if there were a soundtrack, and I smile.

The other day someone casually said to me that they were downright enraged. I turned to another, and just like Daffy doing a Jewish vaudeville impersonation, I said, This is downright enraged?

Leaving a group after telling a joke, I find myself going hoo-hoo and bouncing up and down, and everyone, including me, laughs.

Go rent or buy these because they are great. Especially, if like me, they were your Saturday mornings as a kid.

Tomorrow is my BGR's birthday. He got me an expensive gift certificate for my b-day, and I feel I should do at least equal. The problem is, I just shelled out $600 to the garage to get my clutch fixed, and I am feeling the loss of that extry cash. Plus, I recently got a paper from my insurance company detailing my benefits. I had undergone a doctoral procedure that I thought was fully covered by my insurance, but this paper seems to say I owe $500. Which sucks because it only details the first of two visits I made. I'm not going to feak out, because it isn't actually a bill, so until it is actually a bill, I going to believe it isn't a bill. But, if it turns out to be a bill, and then another shows up, I am sunk.

So, you can see why buying my roomy a gift card ain't high on the important spending list.

Not to mention I really want to take that trip to Amsterdam my friend invited me on. I just spent all my savings for that on my clutch, and if I get hit with a $1000 bill, then goodbye Europe!

Well, turns out I was wordy after all. This is a lesson for all of you who wish you would write, but feel you have nothing to say. Just sit down and start writing the trivial, and next thing you know you are on your way, and writing it all.

Be Me, See Me

I picked out my new headshots. It was a tough decision, and I still at times change my mind, but I think I chose well.

A big influence was my class last night. We talked about how in TV and film, the real trick is to just be yourself. The camera catches so much nuance, that it is hard to disguise yourself and still be real, or believable.

The upside is, however, that just being yourself is perfect. The whole "you are unique" thing is true, and if you can just be you, people will love it.

So, armed with that confidence in being me, I went home and chose the shots I thought were just me.

Also, in class, I was feeling like I am the best one there. We did a couple of scenes, and most guys couldn't hear the rhythm of it, or if they did, they overacted, or something else.

I am doing less overacting, and more just being. I have more work to do on really translating that to camera, but I am getting there. I was pleased with my work, and some of my class mates said it was very genuine.

Hopefully, I chose shots well. Shots that will excite the casting people, and also give them an idea of who I am before I walk into their office. Then, when I come in... bam. Me. Just what they want.

It would be nice to finally start creating a modest beginning of a career. I'm not asking for stardom, just something to happen that makes me feel like I am going down the right path, and not wasting my time.

Plus, I really need the money. Taking all this time off for my acting is taking a bite, and when I do work, it is slow. I still have some savings, but I always get nervous with money, and I would rather have a cushion to keep me focused on what I want, rather than second guessing my art for the sake of bills and unknown expenses.

Hell, I'm not asking for millions. I mean, if you're giving away millions, I'll take it, but, all I really need is a small number in the thousands.

Yeah, like who doesn't?

The Last

Tonight, Monday, was the Golden Globes.

I worked, and didn't really watch any of it. Co-workers told me of developments, but I ignored.

I think this is the year of me rejecting those things I would normally adhere to.

You see, I loved the Golden Globes. I would always take off of work, and have a party. Never a huge party, because it is only the Golden Globes, but enough to have a fun time. I remember last years party.

Mostly, I remember it because it is the last time I remember X and I having sex.

Not that we didn't have sex after that. I'm sure we did. It's just that you don't have sex thinking this will most likely be the last time. So, you don't catalogue the moment as important, or unusual.

I do know that before we broke up, we had not had sex in quite awhile. After we broke up, I tried to remember the last time we had sex. Not the date, but the feel, the moment. I couldn't remember it. All I could remember in terms of the feel and moment was the night of the Golden Globes.

We were having a party.

My friend CL had just undergone ankle surgery, and couldn't get around. He couldn't drive or walk very well, and was very house ridden. He would always invite me over to play video games.

Being an awesome friend, I invited him to our party, and offered to both pick him up and drive him home. I also told him I would come by early and play those video games with him.

I did just that.

We had our party, and it was fun. X would always enjoy this party, and she did that night. Then, I said goodbye, and drove CL home.

On the return to my house, X called to see if I was heading back. I remember that was strange. She never really was the type to constantly check on me, so this call seemed odd. She was a bit drunk, so I just coughed it up to the booze, but I can still hear the mischievousness in her voice, which tipped me off to something odd to come.

When I got home, I opened the door to find the house dark with many candles lit. X greeted me with a huge hug, wearing nothing under a very sexy, sheer dress. I knew exactly what was happening, and was thrilled. We put a U2 disc into the player, and made love on the living room floor amongst the flickering lights and the hard driving tunes.

That was an unusual night. We had not made love like that in nearly 5 years. It burned into my memory, and six months later, it was the last I could recall.

Tonight, I couldn't help but think about that.

I don't want to take two steps forward, and then, one step back. I want to stay on the footing I have had lately.

But I can feel it crumbling slightly.

I wish I was still married. I mean, I am, but I mean, legitimately. Maybe not to X, but married.

Anyway, those are the Globes for me now. No wonder I avoided them.

Not in gear

Woke up today feeling off.

Which was not good, because I had to film the film review pilot today and needed to be funny. I told myself not to worry, because it would come. Then, I drank as much coffee as I possibly could.

Started to feel like I could get something going, and hopped into the car. Put on the new Strokes CD, and suddenly the juices were flowing!

Then, on the freeway drive there, I blew out my clutch!

I was able to maintain the gear I was in, but couldn't change gears. So, I drove very slowly on the freeway, with cars zipping by me.

Once I got off the freeway though, I was fucked. I glided my car into a side street, and called the producer. She didn't answer. I was supposed to be there in ten minutes, and was only about five minutes away, so I waited for her to call me.

I waited almost a half hour.

Thinking that she might not have my number, or maybe her cell was not receiving, I figured out that I needed to find some other way there.

So, I hitchhiked. That's right. I hitchhiked.

I had to ask three people before one said yes. It was a group of black people coming out of church, and I looked insane, so I understand their reluctance. The guy who finally took me, Phil, was a young man, and he said he lived by where I was going, so I didn't need to trip.

We got into his car. I with my 6 costume changes all on their hangers, him with an open container of spaghetti sitting on the back seat. He started to tell me how he was supposed to have picked up his gramms this morning and his ma, who was out of town, was upset with him. However, he said he didn't think he had gotten that particular message, as he hadn't come home last night, because he likes to do his own thing.

I believe I sided with him.

It was a short ride, and we pulled into the parking lot soon. I showed him the door I was going to, and he pulled into a handicap spot, informing me that his car was registered as handicap.

Then, my angel Phil drove away. Props to you my brother. You did your good deed today, despite what your ma says. Go out tonight, and do it right.

The producer was amazed that I would hitch to her production, and to show her gratitude, she put me into the first take to capture the spirit of the moment.

Or what would have been the moment, because two hours later, the camera was still not ready. By the time we did get to it, I was coming down from any excitement I had managed to steal, and had started to add up what exactly a clutch goes for these days.


As we shot, I felt myself not rising to the occasion. After take three, she asked if this time I could make it funny. Never a good sign.

Take after take, I would finish, only to look up and see the crew stifle a yawn. I think that is when I realized this wasn't going to be my next job.

I did my best, and got some laughs, but if they do sell it, I am sure they will go with someone else. If I was them, I would go with someone else.

That's Ok though. Maybe this isn't my thing. If it was meant to be, it wouldn't have been so cursed from the start.

Got lost going to the audition.
Got lost going to the callback.
Booked a job in Vegas for the shoot date after not hearing from them, and had to miss the first go around in the studio.
The studio person didn't show up for my first day to shoot.
Blow my clutch on the next day to shoot.

Now that is some bad ass luck.

My castmate TC, who also does the improv with me, let me use her AAA to tow my car. We drove to my car to wait, and bought a bottle of peppermint schnapps, and drank it in her car while telling each other stories and fears. That was my favorite part of the whole day.

Her fear was giving her heart to someone again. Mine was discovering that I regret. I don't want to regret. I've come too far for that now.

Big Fish, huh? OK

Another great show last night.

I was concerned before hand. What else is new? I'm always concerned! However, my concern was specific, not a general sort of neurosis.

You see, last week's show was very good. It had levels to it. Sadness, tenderness, mystery, and, as should be, hilarity.

That is not easy to do. Or to keep doing week after week.

So, I knew a lot of ACME people were hearing about the show, and wanted to come see for themselves this "great show."

That is a tiny bit of pressure.

Well, in leading up to the performance, I just tried to remind myself not to care. If it went bad, then so what. If I did good, but our show didn't have levels, then so what. If it all went good, then so what. The thing is, it isn't the definition of me, so one show's reception means nothing. So what.

Sure, it is better to be good. It will get you more. That is the goal, but only the goal. It is not the means by which you get there.

Then, last night before we did the show, I walked into the bar and saw a number of ACME folks.

One told me that he was so jealous that he had decided not to be in the show, but he said that he was glad for me, because it really gives me the stage to take for myself. We joked that he sort of sounded like an ass saying that, but he told me he meant it as a huge compliment to me, not as a backhanded one for him.

Then, another told me how great I was last week, and how he couldn't wait for this next one. His girlfriend is in the show, and when he went to the bathroom, she said he had been talking about me all week. She then said that she felt like I was the leader of our troupe.

I ordered a drink, and went backstage to get my head. I was swirling. The thing is, all of that is great to hear. I have been craving that. I am, after all, actually very competitive.

Not getting moved up took a hit to my ego. I told myself that it was the best thing, and I actually believed it while saying it. Now, I'm glad. Their show is suffering, and ours is great. I really do have the stage for myself.

I just can't think that way. That is what I told myself last night after all the compliments and perceived pressure. I told myself not to believe the hype. Not to "read my press" as they say. Don't focus on the results, focus on the action. I told myself to just listen to the people I'm working with. To go with my instincts. I am funny. My instincts will guide me. If I listen, the opportunities will come flooding my way.

They did.

We had another layered show. A lot of the credit goes to my cast as well. They are a good group. A couple of weak ones, but even they are not blackholes like some weak ones have been in the past.

I listened, and focused, and tuned out the audience. Sure enough, gold came to me in every scene. It wasn't even hard. Now, the trick is not to get cocky.

I have to just go in every week confident that I will be funny if I do the right things. Listen, watch, and trust.

I can do that.

I'm Sick Of These Dolphins

Just got finished watching The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou.

Very appropriate film to watch today. It is all about loss and redemption. Both the day and the film.

Went to lunch with X. I had watched her kitten over the holidays and needed to get her key back to her.

At lunch, we talked about our New Year's. She had gone to San Francisco, and at midnight, she was with a number of friends who are also couples. They were in a bar, and she only knew the people she was with. When the clock struck, they all turned to their respective partner and kissed. She stood alone. The moment was not lost, and she looked inward, and decided that she was alone, and she was ok.

I told her about me skipping midnight and the champagne toast in the bar, for a moment alone in the chef's office with a slice of ham.

She started to cry while I told her that. I asked what was the matter.

She said she felt bad that I had such a tough holiday, and she just wanted to let me know something she had only come to realize.

She said that over the trip to SF, and the trip home to Iowa, she learned a valuable lesson. That is, that love comes in small gestures.

She had always thought of love as big, bold and declarative. Like Hollywood shows it, she said.

She said she thinks she is only now discovering what love is. She wanted to tell me, she knows that I loved her. She wished that she could have recognized it while we were together, but she thought she should at least tell me now, she sees I did.

All I could do was nod.

Then, she said she was going to call me last Friday to tell me that, but then remembered that night was the opening of my show, and thought maybe I would be in a place that shouldn't be hearing what she had to say.

She then said, she felt like in the entire time that she knew me, that that was the first time she had done something where she didn't come first. She put my thoughts and feelings first.

Again, I could only nod.

We talked about trivia for most of the rest of the lunch, and then I told her we needed to finalize our divorce. She seemed taken aback, but agreed.

I came home tired. I had intended to do many errands today, but I felt exhausted. I thought it was from a very successful headshot shoot yesterday, which can be draining, but after watching the movie, I now realize it was from lunch.

Loss and redemption.

I feel like I am getting onto my feet.

Please, let it stay for awhile. Please.

The thing about me is

You see, I'm a romantic. At heart, I'm a true blue, sappy romantic.

I believe in "the one". I tell myself that isn't true, that you could have a true connection with many people. Not all, but many. That's what I tell myself, but deep down I believe in the one.

I think getting caught in the rain, and then coming inside all wet, and giggly, then noticing each other, and that moment - that vital, slowed down moment where you see the clothes clinging and the joy and surprise in their face slowly turn to desire, now that is romance. Sappy, huh?

Or the time when you have a deep, serious conversation that totally grabs at your heart, each of your hearts, and then suddenly you realize you have been talking for hours, and it felt so good, so easy. That is romance.

The time you do something, or say something that is really kind and unnecessary, but it is such a small sweet gesture, and suddenly you both see depth and caring. The awkward joy that follows. That is romance.

Out with others, and every joke works. The desire to ride together in the back seat, or in the same car, or sit right next to each other at the table, so you won't miss anything. Romance.

Got out of my acting class tonight. Great class. My teacher said that I brought so much confidence. ( take that K)

We did a scene where two co-workers are talking about the guys ability to flirt. They start to practice, and suddenly they are actually flirting, and it gets good. Romance.

I walked out of class, and just wanted to call someone, a female. To just tell some girl about the good scene, and my good job doing it. To hear her joy and her compliments. To meet up with her and live the same type of thing.

But there isn't anyone. That made my heart ache. It's because I'm a romantic that I wanted to do that, and it's because I'm a romantic that it hurt when I couldn't.

I think that is also at the root of my crush with TO. It started out so goddamn romantic that it is just too good in my mind to let go of. It didn't stay on that romantic path, unless you like the old Victorian style of romance, where they never get to have each other, and hurt everyone in their lives in a denial sense of retribution.

Bronte. eh.

Ok, headshots on Wednesday, and then off to work, so I might not blog, or at least, not til late.

Talk to you Thursday.

Dinner, Drinks, and Pole Dancing

Went out to dinner last night with K and R.

We had actually been planning to go out to dinner since October, and just got the chance.

And let me tell you, Wot a night!

Started out searing. These people read this blog, they are the only ones who I have everyday contact with who actually read this. They know more about me then anyone else in the room.

They are discreet. Last night, though, it was just us, so discretion was not needed.

Well, right off, K starts to tell me about his family and their issues.

Trying to tell me that all familial problems are relative.

Ooh, that one was a stinker.

Seriously, though, he was serious. Which is an unusual mode for him. He revealed stuff to me that was powerful.

Which brought us around to openness.

Rather than feel embarrassed when you tell someone something personal, usually you wind up feeling powerful. The other person does too. In a way, my constant revelations about myself allowed him to open up as well. I find the same with TH.

Great stuff was talked about.

3 bedroom things:

Name three things in your bedroom that are important to you, or you wouldn't want to lose.

1. My photo albums. I have been documenting my life in photos, and I have three thick ones nearly full. I often look through them. Those are vital.

2.My Bozo doll. A small stuffed doll that reminds me of my passion and drive and the whole reason for all.

3. My wedding ring. I had intended to get rid of it after our divorce, but I took it off long ago. Well, now with it off, it has become sacred to me. I found a little round wooden box that X had given me long ago. It has a super tight lid, that sometimes won't pry off, and inside is a tiny note that she had written that says I love you. I put my ring inside that box. I wonder if that desire to keep it will wear off, but for now, it is on my list.

We also talked about confidence.

MM always tells me that I need to learn to love myself, and maybe that is related to this, but K and R seem to think the problem is confidence.

The mistaking me for gay thing from the other day has been in my rotation of things to say that are funny and self deprecating.

K said that most gay men are thin, good looking, and fit. He said that is why I am confused for gay. Maybe. I think also the lack of suppression that I bring to every movement and conversation might do it too.

We talked about my crush. I have been secretly reviving it this weekend, and I spilled the news to them. There have been emails back and forth with her, and I am trying to play it cool, but K pointed out to me that I hang on her every word and that isn't healthy, or cool.

He has always sort of encouraged me despite her boyfriend, because R had a boyfriend when K first met her, and he sees the parallel. However, he thinks that I'm too wrapped up in it, in her.

I think he's right.

I wake up hoping to see her name in my inbox. When I do, a force from inside me leaps at the screen, akin to the alien breaking out through the chest.

What would happen if I got her? What sort of strength do I have that would be attractive to her? I really got to let this go. It's even starting to bug me.

Dinner brought about more talk of how to be more open. The margaritas might have helped. Soon, the talk was about sex, and the puritanical mind set of Americans about sex and the body.

Next thing you know, R wants to go to a stripclub. Not just any stripclub, one that is known for being a place where you can go for girls and still get a normal bar like atmosphere. GF friendly, you might say.

So, we do. What, K or I were going to argue?

The girls use to take their tops off there, but no more it seems. That was lame. Also, R took a pole dancing class and she was critiquing the girls on their lack of pole usage, or tired pole usage. So we left.

Still, anyone else have a better dinner?

I love

I love my friends.

I'm sure they know it, but we should always say it more. One of them said that last night.

We were debating whether the best way to die was quick, but painful on your loved ones, or slow and painful mentally on you, but with the ability of closure for your loved ones.

My friend said there should be a third option, one he would choose, which is quick, but because you always let people know how much you loved them, it wasn't painful to them.

I think if you are such a great person that you always tell those you love that you love them, and then you get hit by a car, they are going to miss you. Who wouldn't miss that. I still miss the Mary Tyler Moore show, and she wasn't telling ME she loved me. She just such a nice person.

Anyway, my friends.

They are fun! They are open! They are so caring! They are creative! They are fragile!

What's not to love?

KK with his unusual ideas, and the bravery to always act them out, even if it means pain or humiliation. Usually, pee your pants funny humiliation.

R with her giggle, and her hugs, and her determination, and her unending love.

MM with his need for love, and his openness to tell you that, and his determination to hug and kiss you, and his ideas for how we can all get what we want.

TH for his wit, and his drive, and his desire of women, all women, and his desire to be open, and his light in his eyes when he realizes that I am telling stuff that he would be afraid to share, and then him telling me something equal.

BM for his growth, and his maternal instincts, and his sharp, biting wit.

That was just last night.

Also, I love my acting job.

I got the chance to come up with another great way to freak out people before they realize that I'm not part of the actual wait staff.

I walked around with an empty tray and would come right up to people, usually from behind, and ask them, Cheese doodle?

They would not know what I was saying, and would stumble over there words, and I would press on.

Cheese doodle? Cheese doodle?

Finally, they would look at the empty tray, and say, Sure.

Then, I would say, Oh, we don't have any, but if we made some, I just wanted to know if you would eat them.

Remember, they think I am an actual waiter! They would just look at me after that and a few would say, Sure, I would eat them.

It would take everything I have not to burst out laughing at them.

After a bit of this, one guy came up to me and said, Hey, where's the food?

I told him they were stuffing the doodle as we spoke.

You should have seen the look on his face.

That's what I love.

This Happy Feeling

Ain't gone yet.

Last night, I stayed up until 5:30. Mostly alone. Plus, I was waltzing in the livingroom. To Radiohead!

Now, goddammit, that's happy.

I had several people come up to me and tell me what a great show. Some of them were big wig ACME types.

One - a guy who used to be in our show, but can't now - said that he was jealous of every scene. Then, he leaned over to me and said, Well, you're a big fish now. Love it.

Another guy, C-Mac, really gave me a great compliment. He is someone I have always wanted to impress. He does about 9 shows a year, mostly written shows, which is harder (I think), and he has been with the theater a long, long time.

In a long connect the dots way, he is the reason I am in the troupe. He got TH in, which then led to TH telling me to join.

Now, KK and CL will be a part of it. Also, two friends from work, DK and my dear waitress friend, EN have also joined.

TO sent me a congrats email this morning. She qouted me in the subject line and told me I was VERY funny.

I replied thanks. Damn, this whole giving up the crush thing is not easy. Oh, well. I think I have it under control to the point that I don't obsess over it 24/7 like I was doing. That, and I now know that it ain't goin anywhere. At least, not anytime soon. I'm ok with all of that. It is only difficult when I see her, because I just want to walk up and hold her.

eh.... I'll learn to deal with that too.

Ok, time to wake the roomate. I want to dance!

Well, alright

Ok, first off, this is my 150th post. Even though I have a very few readers, I am still impressed that you all have stuck around for what I hope I will fondly remember as the "tough" times.

Now to the business at hand. Since I am typing on a keyboard, it literally is the buisness at hand.

Waka, waka, waka!

My show went great tonight. I should have put an exclamation point after that sentence, because it was that good. The owner of the theater watched tonight. He usually waits until the officail opening, but rumor has it that he is taking over the whole improv program, so I think he watched tonight to see what he is getting into. Well, glad to say, he came up to several of us, including me, and told us that it was the single best opening that he has ever seen.

There were several times that I had to stop speaking because of all of the laughter. Particularly his. That was great.

I only wish my biggest supporters could have been there. They will get to see the tape of the show, but it isn't the same. Partly because of all the talk afterwards.

I was glad that TO came tonight. I know that I am over that whole crush thing, but if you have to give up the girl, at least let her go thinking you are awesome!

Last night at rehearsal was awkward. She tried to include me in conversation, but you could tell that she didn't want to "encourage" me. I felt a little bad for having feelings, then I got over it.

Then, today at one of my meetings to try to make myself a better actor, a girl who I have known since before Thanksgiving mistakenly thought I was gay!

Why does that always happen to me?!

I think this girl is beautiful, but I am not interested in her as like a potential girlfriend, but still!

I guess it is because I am free and not self critical like most sraight men. Also, I can color coordinate and gesture with freedom. Not traits of the normal hetro.

KK tonight told me that he was glad to see me happy.

I'm glad to be happy!

My Actor's Weekend

Nice one coming up. Improv show starts again tomorrow night, then a murdermystery on Sat, then I film the pilot for the film review show on Sunday.

Bam, bam, bam.

Putting final costume pieces together for the improv.

I am starting to get nervous. Typical nerves before the start of a new show. You never know how it will go, what with a new cast and all. Usually the first shows are great, so I should try to remember that.

I think I am laying the pressure to be a big fish in a small pond on myself. I should remember my lessons from last show, which is not to care so much, and to just have fun and be silly and enjoy.

It is weird going into it without HW and PT. We always bounced so much off of each other, that now I don't feel like I have that.

Still, I think once it is under way, I will start to really enjoy myself.

Went and saw the latest Harry Potter movie for the film review. It wasn't that bad. I think it would have been even better if I knew who was who. I mean, you can figure it out pretty soon, but you don't have that built in compassion for the characters until well into the end of the movie. If you already knew them, maybe it would be there from the start. I might actually go and rent the other one's, which really says a lot for this one.

Afterwards, I was nearby the restaurant I worked at for four years, so I peeked in. It has been over two years since I left, and I didn't expect to see anyone I knew, but sitting in the bar was my old manager. She is a young girl, and really a great person, so I was excited to see her, and went in.

She took one look at me and lunged at me and gave me such a hug, like I haven't felt from someone other than MM for quite some time. It was nice. Not sexual, just nice. Heartfelt. We talked for a bit. She had heard I got divorced. Then, I had to go. She told me to stop in more often. Maybe I will.

I felt a little sad when I left. I guess I'm out of sorts with my past, and I'm trying to reconcile it. Yet, at the same time, not forget about my future.

X once broke down, soon after our split, and cried. She asked me, Who's going to remember the things I forget?

I guess I am feeling the weight of that question.

Stories I Have Neglected

Let's get them out, here and now.

Christmas day, waking up alone, was very, very silent. I thought it was only supposed to be the night that was silent, but like most things this year, all was topsy scurvy.

I sat at the table, and looked around. Out of my mouth came the words, So, this is Christmas.

Ding!

I jumped to my feet, and frantically searched for a disc I knew I had, but didn't know where. Then I found it. Hi-Fi Holidays. Something I picked up in a Starbucks somewhere, with some pretty cool Christmas songs on it.

Sure enough, it had Happy Christmas(War is Over). When the first verse came on, I burst out crying. I then played the song on repeat for two hours. I finally stopped crying, and then started to enjoy the song.

Then, my parents called.

Dum, dum, dum, DUM!

My mother gave her usual, I did this, I did that. We made light jokes, I'm sure she thought it went great.

She tried to pass me on to my brother, but he was still sleeping, and said no.

She gave me to my father, and said, I don't care if you're dying.

I asked him if he was sick, and he said no, he was playing a computer game.

He said he would hide his guy in the bushes while we spoke.

He started off well, by asking if the link he sent me was maybe not in good spirit.

You see, he had sent a link to a guy who does video posts, and who is a big, fat Italian from Jersey, and sits in a wife beater, and tells it like he sees it.

www.thekidfrombrooklyn.com

Well, the guy IS funny, and has several "ideas", but my dad told me to listen to one is particular. It is called take a shot, and it is all about how you will never make it as an actor unless you know somebody. All your going to be your whole life is some blue collar worker.

Well, fuck you too, I thought.

So, on Christmas, he says maybe that wasn't the most appropriate link to send. I tell him, No, that wasn't good, but I listened to some of the other posts, and yes, he is funny.

Then, we start talking about the day. I tell him about waking up alone, and how odd it is. He is grunting with affirmation. I tell him about my plans for the day, and he still grunts. Then, he suddenly makes a sharp, inhale noise.

I ask what's up? He says his guy just got killed.

He's still playing that goddam game!

I said, Get off the fucking phone.

He said, No, I'll turn the game off.

I told him he already had made that choice. He insisted.

So, I said, Fine, but I'm done making the conversation. You come up with it now.

So, out of the blue, he asks if I still take vitamins. My folks were always big on vitamins, and for awhile, I took them regularly. I don't anymore.

I told him no.

He left it at that, and we talked about nothing for a few more minutes, but he hates initiating the conversation, so we hung up.

Two minutes later, my phone rings. I see on the ID it is my folks, and I think my brother is finally up, and wanting to talk.

No. It is my mother.

She greets me with, What do you mean, you aren't taking your vitamins!?

I asked her if she really called me back, ON CHRISTMAS, to ask me that?

She launched into some rant, and I hung up on her.

Yep, that's right. I hung up on my mother, on Christmas.

Felt great doing it too.

She called back, and I answered with, Say something nice, or you're getting the same.

She said, I love you.

She tried to go back to the conversation, but I threatened the same. She then wished me a pleasant day, and asked if I would like to talk to my brother now?

I said, Tell him he slept through it.



New Year's Eve.

I had to work. I wasn't planning on going out afterwords. It is always such a drag arriving at a party and having everyone leave. It happens to me a lot.

That sounds like I am a real bore, and a party killer, but it is the lateness of the hour. Really. Really!

Well, two friends implored me to come over to The Party.

I got out of work about 12:45, and decided I would go.

I had spent the stroke of midnight in the chef's office eating a slice of ham. I didn't want to ring in this year. Then, everyone at work started coming into the office and hugging me, and something strange occurred.

I felt good.

So, when I finished up, I decided to go party.

I saw a co-worker standing dazed and asked him what he was doing. He said he had no plans, so, even though he is 12 years younger than my group, I invited him to our party. He perked up at the thought, and I felt I did some good.

He still had about an hour left of work, so I told him to call to make sure the party was still going when he was ready.

Then, I went.

It was still quite a party when I got there, and I thought that was great. By the time I had poured my first drink, a group of four said they were leaving, and I knew it was begining.

On the patio, I sat next to a girl I just barely know. She is an actress, and we got into THAT talk. I sure didn't want to talk about how it is going, and what are you doing to get it going, and I'm thinking of doing this to get it going, and maybe I should give up.

I kept trying to joke my way out, but it wasn't working. Then, her drunk fiancee came over, and I found my target. I just pretended to hit on him, and she shut up. They decided to leave.

I wasn't finished with my first drink, and the party went from 25 to 6.

I'm not a party killer. Really! Even when I hit on drunk fiancee's! They were going to leave then, anyways.

I didn't mind the shrinkage, because it was the six people I would have wanted to talk to above all else.

Then, my buddy from work called. I thought, Well, this is going to be interesting.

He came up with his very sweet, very gorgeous girlfriend, and we inserted them into the fold.

My friends are great at bringing people in. They start to talk to you like you were one of the group for the past twenty years.

I sat back and watched these two kids just open up and fall in love with everyone.

The guy is from Boston and is very much an inner city kid. Not too bright, but smart enough. He is a big guy, and would like to be an actor, but he thinks he is ugly. I watched him, and thought, How can you think you are ugly when you got a girl who looks like this sleeping with you?

He told stories of how his dad beat him, and how he hates himself. My friends weren't shocked. We all have stories like that. Maybe not the beating, but tough childhood tales.

I watched for his girl's reaction to him saying he hates himself. I wanted to see if it was possible to hold onto a girl when you think like that. The funny thing was, I kept thinking, Why in the world do you hate yourself? What do you have to hate? Kid, you've got it all.

Then, I laughed, cuz I've heard the same recently from my friends. I know deep down there is no reason to think that way, but even deeper down is the repeat thought button.

Watching him though really started to bring that home.

Back In 05

Looking back on the year, I'm sure I will always think of it as the year we split.

I will also think about certain memorable events.

The first event is finishing the improv classes and being asked to join the troupe. I couldn't believe I had even taken the classes, and never thought at the start that I would want to perform. I don't know why now, but when it happened, I was on cloud 9.

The next is actually having to perform. It was the first Friday in May, and I was so sick to my stomach. I had diarrhea all day, and I didn't invite people to come at first. Then, I called a few people, and during the show, I realized almost everyone I knew had come. What a show that was, and what a night.

Five weeks later, we had one of our best shows ever. The audience actually gave us a standing ovation, and shouted for an encore. There was nobody I knew in the audience. After the show, at the bar, I started to talk to a girl who was a friend of someone in the troupe. We hit it off, even though I was married and she was dating someone. We held hands and talked about sex. She was looking for a ride home, and I almost offered. I will always remember how I felt that night, and how I knew my marriage was done. The next day is when we told each other it was time to split.

One week later, she moved out. I had an acting class that was to last all day, and I said goodbye in the morning and went to class. During class, the teacher said comedy is born of pain, and I thought I would be the funniest one there.

The acting class. I gained so much confidence with that class. I think the combo of doing the improv with the class suddenly released this confidence that I had long forgotten.

Getting hired for my first acting gig. God, that felt great. Also, being able to finally open that bottle of champagne that had been haunting me. It tasted like shit.

When she moved into her place, and I lost most of my possessions. The apartment started to become a metaphor how I was feeling. Empty. I couldn't stop taking pictures. I haven't yet developed them.

Banging up my car drunk. Never a good memory.

Meeting TO. Apart from the obsession, which is easing, until I probably see her again, but anyway, what I will remember about that is the feeling it awakened in me. Ironically, I was sitting at the same table, in the same seat, that I was in the night I held hands with the girl who needed a ride. TO was sitting in her spot. The other night with TO, when we really connected, and I thought I might have a chance is also up there. Again, same seats! The feeling of giddiness. I wish I could bottle that.

My mother's trip here. The beginning of the end of the love affair with my family.

Those are the highlights of the year.

What new ones are there? If this next year has as much happening in it as last, then this blog is going to get good.