I'm Sick Of These Dolphins

Just got finished watching The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou.

Very appropriate film to watch today. It is all about loss and redemption. Both the day and the film.

Went to lunch with X. I had watched her kitten over the holidays and needed to get her key back to her.

At lunch, we talked about our New Year's. She had gone to San Francisco, and at midnight, she was with a number of friends who are also couples. They were in a bar, and she only knew the people she was with. When the clock struck, they all turned to their respective partner and kissed. She stood alone. The moment was not lost, and she looked inward, and decided that she was alone, and she was ok.

I told her about me skipping midnight and the champagne toast in the bar, for a moment alone in the chef's office with a slice of ham.

She started to cry while I told her that. I asked what was the matter.

She said she felt bad that I had such a tough holiday, and she just wanted to let me know something she had only come to realize.

She said that over the trip to SF, and the trip home to Iowa, she learned a valuable lesson. That is, that love comes in small gestures.

She had always thought of love as big, bold and declarative. Like Hollywood shows it, she said.

She said she thinks she is only now discovering what love is. She wanted to tell me, she knows that I loved her. She wished that she could have recognized it while we were together, but she thought she should at least tell me now, she sees I did.

All I could do was nod.

Then, she said she was going to call me last Friday to tell me that, but then remembered that night was the opening of my show, and thought maybe I would be in a place that shouldn't be hearing what she had to say.

She then said, she felt like in the entire time that she knew me, that that was the first time she had done something where she didn't come first. She put my thoughts and feelings first.

Again, I could only nod.

We talked about trivia for most of the rest of the lunch, and then I told her we needed to finalize our divorce. She seemed taken aback, but agreed.

I came home tired. I had intended to do many errands today, but I felt exhausted. I thought it was from a very successful headshot shoot yesterday, which can be draining, but after watching the movie, I now realize it was from lunch.

Loss and redemption.

I feel like I am getting onto my feet.

Please, let it stay for awhile. Please.