The difference a day makes

Long day yesterday.

I was drained. Emotionally wiped.

Odd, I chose not to tell BM about my night of woe with X.

I don't know why. When I awoke in the morning, still reeling over the previous night, he asked me how the night had went, and I just said, Fine.

What am I hiding? Am I protecting her, or me? Why can I tell some people everything, even stuff I'm not sure I want to tell, and others almost nothing?

Spent the day at a business seminar. I didn't really learn anything new, but he did teach a great mindset. He treats acting and show business as a business, and helped me to see how to think that way. Is it easy? No, but it's what I want to do, so I better know how.

Each hour, we would get a ten minute break.

I turned my phone off going into the seminar, because I think that is rude, plus, if I had it on vibrate, I didn't want my attention going there instead of on what he was saying where it should be.

But, each ten minute break, I would turn it on to see if I got a call. From her. Finally, I did.

She said sorry. She said she was drunk. She said we should talk. We are going to talk tonight.

I don't know what she is going to say. I don't know if my surmising of the situation is correct or not. I don't even know if she is going to tell me.

I have to focus on what I am going to tell her. That's all I can do. What do I want.

I don't want to get back together.

I don't know if that is absolutely true, down to my deepest core, but I think it is.

I hate going backwards in life, and getting back together would be going backwards. At this stage.

I think if we dated other people and had other small relationships, and then said to each other, let's get back together, than fine. Not until then.

At least for me. I know I would like to date someone else.

I want to see if I can find a girl who is fun. Who giggles. Who laughs at me. Who is demonstrably affectionate. Not necessarily out in public, but at least at home.

I still want all the qualities I had. Artistic, liberal, nice to others, caring, smart, conversational, spontaneous, a little crazy, a little neurotic, sense of style.

Oh, add in sweet face, nice tits, not too heavy(but I do like curves), and tall.

Ok, that is my list.

But I am digressing. I'm not going to tell X my list tonight.

No, I will tell her that we are through.

And that I do want to be friends, but that means she has to treat me like a friend. No coming around when you are lonely to get fucked, or to hold and kiss.

I can hug you. I can help you with your loneliness by talking it through with you, and hugging you, but that is where it ends. We are just friends now.

That's what I will say. I don't know if we need more time away from each other. I thought things were going well, but I don't know now.

After the seminar last night, I went to a local club that teaches swing dancing and then bands play.

The group was going for the dance lessons, but I missed them. I thought to myself, I don't need dance lessons. I had swing lessons before, and I'm a good dancer. I'll pick up the steps and fake it until I do.

Then everyone at the bar started dancing.

They were really good. Guys and girls. You could watch a couple who really knew what they were doing, and wow, they were good.

It was cool watching a guy ask a girl, and then having them realize on the floor how good they were. The smiles that would slowly break out across there faces. The moves that would start to get a little more complicated, or much more free. The groove that would start to replace the smiles, as they settled in for some real enjoyment. The looks they would give each other, as they realized they were having some of the best sex of their lives, just they were standing up, clothed.

That's when I thought, I don't think I can do this.

I shouldn't have felt that way. I don't mind making an ass of myself. It is one of my strong suits. Some of my friends are great with women, but they are so afraid of making an ass of themselves, they stifle themselves. I don't want to ever be like that.

So, I was thinking, I should just get up and go ask some girl. So what I can't dance. I probably should have too.

But, I didn't.

I thought I got smarter. I asked R to dance with me, thinking it would be a practice run, and then I could swoop down on another girl, armed and dancerous.

But, dancing with R, I realized I wasn't dancerous, I was dangerous. To her.

I kicked her, I twisted her arm. At one point, I sent her careening off almost into the stage.

We laughed about it, but that's because it was R and me. Imagine if it was some girl I didn't know. Sure, I would make a self deprecating joke, and maybe I could save it with my humor, but sheesh man, the guys who could dance sure looked like they would have an easier time than the guys who could go waka-waka.

So, what did I learn?

Go take the dancing lessons. At least a little so that you don't kick her, and so that you can lead her enough.

I can still suck, but at least if I have a tiny knowledge, when I suck my joke won't have to be so self deprecating.

Because the best form of self deprecation comes when the audience knows you don't really mean it.

It's just a joke.

Wish me luck tonight.