Getting To Know You/Me

Ok, important discovery going on over here.

I got out of class tonight, and I was feeling up. I wanted to hang out with someone.

You know me, I don't care to be alone. I can do it, lately better than ever before, but even now, I'd rather be with some person, any person.

That's why as soon as I was out of class and feeling high, I wanted contact. Not necessarily romantic, though that wouldn't hurt, but human.

As a guy at work once said about me: You're the most gregarious person I've ever known.

Then, knowing I had no one to call, I started to feel my mood slip. So, what did I instantly think to do to try and keep me up?

Looney Tunes.

A little comedy, or something rather mind involving that is also enjoyable, is the secret to loneliness for me.

A couple of weeks ago, I told my therapist about my inclination to sometimes have severe self loathing. As we freely talked, I told her I thought the loathing was rooted somewhere in the place where I feel lonely.

Then, after the split this summer, I would come home to nobody, and either drink to forget I was alone, which of course just made me sadder, or I would turn to porn, which of course just made me sadder, after a brilliant fleeting moment of some kind of wonderful. Hooha.

Part of what has gotten me onto my feet this year, along with the mental mind game of knowing it is a new year, has been the cartoons, and then as an extension of the cartoons, sometimes I'll watch a whole movie at night. It's funny, but I was slathering over BM's HUGE DVD collection, but I really hadn't watched any movies all last fall.

Now, I know that that is partly due to depression, but also the depression is partly due to not watching any movies.

So, I figured that out tonight.

Now, if I am feeling down... comedy! Or drama. Or thriller. Or action. Just something, goddammit.

Yeah, you know, by the time I die, I'm really going to know how to live.