Mistake

First, let me tell you that I am on my new computer, and it is great. No more of the pauses that have ruled my life the past month.

Second, let me tell you that I just had one of the worst nights of my life.

I went to X's b-day party, and she was drunk. She tried to kiss me, and I said no, and she started to cry, and I took her outside to get some air, and she started to tell me that it wasn't what I thought. We started to talk, because she always asks me what I am feeling, so I decided to tell her. I'm not sure she listened, but she did start to hint to me that there is something she hasn't told me.

Eventually, I think I got out of her that maybe there was someone else during our breakup. I'm not sure if it was serious, or if it is even real, I might be reading into it, but she seemed to strongly indicate that there was someone else making promises to her that didn't come true.

To try and convince her that she could be open with me, I started to tell her about the girl who was very tender to me the night before X and I decided to split. As I was talking, she was getting mad. Finally, she stormed off into the bar.

After that, I decided it was probably a mistake that I came. I went back inside and grabbed my drink. She came up to me, with her coat on, and asked what I was doing. I said I was leaving. She started to cry. She asked why. I said I felt like I was ruining her birthday. She said it wasn't my fault. I said I didn't know what she didn't want to tell me, but it was surely wrapped up around me, and it was making her cry on her birthday. So, I told her that she was special and I would most likely always love her, and I wished her a happy birthday, and then I left.

Then I went to a bar and had a drink and cried the rest of the night.

I feel awful. Not because there might have been someone else, though that might hit me later. Mostly because I know she is out there hurting, and I didn't want to give her that as a gift on her fucking birthday!

This truly sucks.

This all truly sucks.

I can't stop crying.