Forward ho?

Well, I certainly don't write here that much. I was surprised to see that a week had already passed.

Things are getting better.

The office job is getting easier. I felt so much like I was incapable, but slowly I am getting it. I'm better on the phones, and the filing system that I'm in charge of is now getting results. I even taught my first class on Friday as the teacher booked a gig and they threw me in to sub. My own lesson plan for basic improv, and I conducted the three hour class with the older teens. I was impressed with myself. At the end of the week, it was nice to get a big ol check. Makes the time and swallowing up of life seem sort of worth it.

The old roomie is currently moving out. I have been replacing items as fast as I can, but I'm so busy, I just don't have any time to shop. I did go out and buy a new microwave, and it is metallic red. A deep brick red. I love it. One of the better influences my ex had on me was the embracing of color. Now I need art. Something to cover these barren walls.

Speaking of NB, I had breakfast with her this morning, and we signed all the legal papers for the finalization. She was emotional. For a variety of reasons, but some of it was this completion of what we had. Dealing with this always bums me out. I feel blah right now. Then again, I sit here with no TV ( roomie took it) and no music (also roomie) and blank spaces in my house and a lot of cleaning and reorganizing and painting to do in two days. Oh, and I have to work tonight and then for twelve hours tomorrow, and then ALL day Tues.

When am I gonna do it all? Who the fuck knows.

Still thinking about going on the anti depressants. Even though I am feeling better, I still have a numbness that I just can't shake. Ironic that drugs known for creating a numbness, might actually fight it as well. Let's hope. All the pysch's that my therapist recommended aren't in my health plan, so I have to just pick one. Eh. I hate that.

So...

I will try to write more. I probably won't, but I will try.

Something Bright (for a change)

Well, I just met and sealed the deal with my next roommate.

He is 25, and really cool. He is a stand-up, and also works with Americorp. A do gooder comedian from San Antonio.

Seems really laid back and nice. Not a smoker. No other pets to deal with. Not allergic to cats. No possesions really, so he was happy to have me offer up a furnished place.

Now, I just have to furnish whatever doesn't stay in the BGR move out.

Still, a sense of relief is floating down upon me. Plus, the Kentucky Sidecars I engulfed last night are finally wearing off.

Ahh, the bright light of sobriety.

forcing myself

I quit the restaurant job. I don't know if I'm going in the right direction in life, but it felt good to quit.

I have the name of several psychiatrists on my kitchen table. I need to call them. Why am I reluctant? It will only help. That's what she says.

I was called bitter today by a young lady. I think she is correct. I am SO angry at women, but it is SO deep that it comes out in snarky wit and put downs. I look forward to the woman who will uncage me from all of this.

I don't believe she is anywhere near.

I thought I wanted to live with a woman, but tomorrow I am interviewing a 25 yr old man as a possible roommate. A 45 yr old woman called today almost desperate for the bedroom, but I felt inside that I would rather go with the guy. Huh?

I'm so tired. So very, very tired.

I would love to lie down and have someone tenderly stroke my forehead and hairline until I fell asleep. Doesn't that sound like childhood? Doesn't that sound great?

You asked for it!

Ok, Ok. I'll write.

I don't feel like doing it. I just feel like bitching and complaining all the time, but still...

So, things aren't as bad as I make them seem.

I just don't feel much of anything uplifting or, I don't know.

I got the job at the studio. Officially, I start next week. Small time pay, but enough. Also, he wants me to learn to substitute teach for all the classes, and will pay me more for that. Ok.

Signed with a manager who saw me in my sketch show and liked me. He is a small time guy, but I am small time too. I think he is hungry, and will get something. At least it is a start to trying to get in front of casting for television. Something I can't seem to do myself.

Had my B-Day this past weekend. It was fine. I had to work on the actual day, so I didn't really do anything. The night before I had a show, and some friends hung out with me afterwards, and at midnight they got the bar to sing for me. That was nice, and I felt like three inches tall.

Then, Monday night I went out to dinner with some more friends. That was a good time. I had fun.

Still on the lookout for a roommate, so we'll see. Some options are available. I'm not really thrilled though. Then again, that is a theme here.

Meeting with my therapist to get a psych appointment to get a prescription. I am hoping that the pills will give me a flooring, some kind of a base to get me moving forward.

Mostly, though, I am at work at the studio, trying to figure out what I am doing. When I'm not there, I am rehearsing or trying to write for the theatre sketch and improv. That, or running errands which always seem to be getting piled up now that I don't have days free.

Too much to do now, and not enough time to do it. Plus, I just want to lie down and relax.

I can't think of anything to put in my other blog. I try to keep that one light, but I just sit here going nope, nope, nope, nope.

Well, my sister is due with her first, a girl, any day now, so that is fun. Maybe I'll write about that.

The pill

Haven't felt like writing this week. Either here or in the other one.

Haven't felt like much of anything this week, except numb.

Yep. Once again, I'm depressed.

Talked with my therapist today. She agreed I should go on anti depressants. Specifically, ssri's.

I need to see a doc first. She said she can get me a deal through the center.

Basically, my problem is....

My career. I have taken some rejection lately that I didn't think was sinking in, but has probably.

My financial life. I have never been a great earner, and even though I am transitioning into a more stable job, I still won't be a great earner.

My home life. Roommate leaving. Some stranger coming in. They are yet to be determined.

My love life. I told her today that I have given up on love.

So, she agreed after all that.

eh. I don't even feel like finishing this post

sorry

The Perfect Storm

The other night, I had one of the worst panic attacks I have ever had.

I ended up not being at the studio on Wed night, and on the drive home, my mind kicked into crazy. I couldn't play my music because I couldn't settle my thoughts anywhere, and I had to drive. I needed to get food, but couldn't think of where they sold it, and didn't want to drive there.

When I got home, I turned on the TV to try to calm me, but I couldn't pay attention. Now, my body started to jerk. My legs were twitching, so I got up and paced the house.

These were my thoughts: I have no security in life. I am losing one job without assuredly getting the next. I am being manipulated into giving and not getting my due. I will end up giving up my dream. I am failing at my dream anyway. I am failing at life. I will never meet anyone who would view this as an attractive life to attach themselves to. I am going to die, and that is ok.

I felt like my insides were both solidifying and liquifying. I thought I would have a heart attack. I kept pounding on my chest to allieve it.

I noticed the house was dirty and started to clean, but I couldn't think, so my cleaning was haphazard. I would run the water for the dishes, but forget to go back to it, then start the vacuum, and notice the water, so turn off the vacuum, go turn off the water, then notice the dog hair, and wipe down the floor, then notice the counters, and wipe them, then think the counters in the bathroom must be the same, then go to wipe them, then see the TV and sit down to catch the good moment, but be unable to sit, so I would squirm to the floor, then notice the floor was dirty, and start up the vacuum.

I felt like I had nobody. I couldn't call anyone. I know that is not true, but that is what I thought then.

Eventually, I did make a call. It took me three times to pick up the phone, but I called my brother. Can you believe it?

He was going through some stress at work, and we started to talk about it, and it made me laugh. Then, we started to talk about many things, and I felt calm. I told him what I was going through, and he actually helped. His words were inspiring and wise and true. I know! I don't believe it either! I told him he was doing great, and told him he had IT figured out.

Hanging up, I watched the premeire of South Park, and was able to laugh. I still felt a bit twitchy, but calmer of the mind. After that, I put in Chinatown, and fell asleep to that beautiful movie.

Tense and Nervous, Can't Relax

So last night I got the official... this is my last month... from my roommate.

I guess I need to find a roommate. For a moment there, I was fantasizing about doing this alone, but that isn't reality. I would probably be able to do it if I never spent a single dollar elsewhere.

What I should do is start socking away money to buy a car. The service engine soon light came on again last night. The poor car does sound old.

Went out with a girl from work last night. She and I have been kind of flirty, but that is also pretty normal for restaurants. She just broke up with her boyfriend about two weeks ago though, so who knows.

She invited me out for drinks. A sign I thought. Then, as we were having drinks, she talked about all the guys at work she would like to just have a hot make out session with. I thought maybe she is just trying to give me the I'm up for anything signal. But, at the end of the night, she couldn't hop into her car fast enough.

I was stymied. Maybe I didn't do something, or did something wrong, but it sure didn't end up the way I thought it would.

Then, I came home to get my roomies news.

There is a girl at the theatre who found out I was in need of a roommate, but she is the ex of a friend of mine. Not that I think he would care, because I'm not going for her, but after she found out about my situation, she keeps talking about when we will live together. Well, he approached me, and subtley indicated it wouldn't be a wise thing on my part.

I asked TH about it, since he knows both of them too, and he said that she is unreliable when it comes to earning, and would probably have trouble making rent.

I don't want that.

But, do I believe that? I mean, I guess I do. But what if he is sabotaging? Still, I don't want to be in the middle of anything.

So, now I'm going to have to piss her off. AND find a new roommate.

UGh.