The problem is...

I just feel lonely. I know that part of making yourself attractive is getting to a point where you don't need someone, but that is bullshit really. We all need someone.

I feel like I have filled my life right now. Then, like tonight, I get done with a show, and everyone goes to wherever they want to go, and I sit there talking to some schlub because I don't want to go home alone. I would rather have left and come to someone who I desire's house. Or, have them show up and join me.

Maybe that is a weakness. If so, then color me weak!

what a week

So, I'm trying to restructure my life. My attempts at sketch over at the theatre where I do improv are going well, and I'm pretty much a shoe in to the new troupe. That is great, and complicated.

I need to find another job. My restaurant won't let me work there if I take all the days off that I want. In fact, this last Saturday, I was taken into the managers office and given a talking to. They told me I need to work more shifts, or else. They weren't mean about it. Just the opposite, they were very sympathetic. However, they have a job to run, and I am gumming up the works.

I told them I would do my best, but that I was on my way out. Let's hope that is true. Now that I told them that.

So, this week was all about trying to make the pitch to SS to give me the job. I told him last week that I wanted it, and he gave me a couple of office duties to do which seemed like he was open to it.

This week, he pulled me out of class to be office boy. Not really what I had in mind. I want to still do the class work, and on the second day, when he tried to pull me out of class, I think I made a face. When we were alone in the office together, he asked me what I want.

Silly question, because before I was two sentences into what I want, he was talking about what he thinks will be.

He isn't totally closed to the idea of me working there. I think he just isn't totally open to the idea of paying me. Kind of a sticky middle ground, huh?

He said he likes me, and I'm great. Good to know. He was worried I would be overextending myself since it would be 12 hour days Mon thru Thurs. I told him that is better than what I have now, because now I don't have a day off. Imagine having a day off every week. Wow.

He then dropped the bomb. Either I T.A., or I work in the office. This affects the two afternoon classes. I don't know how to get around this. I wonder if I could compromise. I have to think about it. We left it kind of open.

As for roommate hunt, nothing. I'm just trying to get my financial life fixed first. However, my BGR has started looking. Yikes.

What if I did get this job at SS and it payed enough for me to live here without a roomie? Oh, to dream!

Love life, well, don't ask.

I am serving NB the divorce papers this week, and stopped dating one girl for lack of chemistry and can't get the other girl to respond to me. I think I've lost both before even getting a make out.

There is another girl, who seems totally attracted to me, and is fucking gorgeous, but she is 24. Oh my God. Some people would consider that a dream, and to an exent I do, but my God, she is 15 years younger. How creepy am I? Then again, MM did say that emotionally I'm still 17, so it might be cool to be dating an older woman!

Things about today

I heard someone talking about the best TV show in history, but never heard which it was. I can't stop wondering.

I made someone cry.

I fell in love with Miranda July.

I told a dog I loved him. I also told him he didn't have to do anything back.

I remembered two years ago, and wished I could go back and change it.

I felt funny.

I told someone I couldn't live with them, even though I wish I could.

I got scared.

I avoided my roommate.

I hurt my cat.

I said yes to someone I don't know.

I filed for divorce.

In seven months, it will be over.

This is what they gave me:


L.A.S.C. - FINANCE #32
111 N. HILL STREET
LOS ANGELES CA 90012

DATE PAID: 09/22/06 10:57:54 AM
RECEIPT #: FIN459974014



CIT/CASE: BD453408 LEA/DEF#:

PAYMENT: $320.00 0310
RECEIVED:
CHECK:
CASH: 320.00
CHANGE:
CARD:

Taking a Poll

So, the bad trajectory issue is pressing on my thoughts.

Joining that new sketch troupe is going to be a sooner problem than I thought. I thought I could maybe put it off until January, but I can't. In fact, I have to tell SS tomorrow, and then figure out what to do about the restaurant right away.

I have been asking people what they think. Is this worth it? It is funny the response I get.

Only one person has said a definitive yes. That person, however, is on the same trajectory as I, only he has his job figured out already.

Another person who is on a similar trajectory, said I should do what I want, but sympathized with the difficulty of the choice. She thinks things will work out at the studio, and also at the restaurant. I think she is being a little naive, but I like her optimism.

The rest think I shouldn't do it. They site the fact that you have to support yourself first, and then pursue your passion. They are correct, but I wonder if supporting yourself always has to mean taking sacrifices.

What about the expression Take the leap, and the net will appear.

Is that true?

To make matters worse, my BGR told me yesterday that he is planning on moving out to live with his BF. He said not right now, but he will let me know when they start looking.

Shit. The perfect roommate. Gone.

Goddamn love!

Well, speaking of love, if I were to truly follow my heart on this matter, I would join the troupe. It is what I want. I will just have to figure the rest out somehow.

The other day, I was working with MMcQ and she said that she had been told that the owner of the theatre had told someone that the success and revitalization of the improv program at the theatre, the most successful right now, was due to four people: MMcQ, HW, PT, and me!

Pretty cool. Why would you leave that?

In The Hopper

I'm not sure if I'm using that expression right, but I believe it to mean, things that are being mulled over.

Here they are, in no particular order:

--I don't feel like sharing.

I find myself not wanting to write my feelings. Here and the other blog.

The other blog was meant for me to try to write comedy, but most of my comedy comes from my skewed point of view, and there I can't write about girls, and job woes, and troupe members who drive me crazy because they are all on myspace and will read it all.

Part of being a truly successful writer is learning to get past that and exposing anyway, but I guess I'm not there yet.

I can't say why I'm reluctant to write here. I have gotten past the fear of exposing here, but I think because writing here usually stirs up deep emotion, I have been reluctant to go there. My therapist has me watching out for something called dysthymia, which is a low grade depression that she thinks I might have. It doesn't stop you, like full blown depression can, but it makes you disengage from your feelings, and she thinks I have been doing that.

--I don't feel anything

Which brings me to the girls. I don't really want to call the one girl for a second date, because I don't really feel anything like interest. I will do it, to force myself. I mean, it is time after all. The other girl is out of town, but even that girl, whom I feel a bit more of an attraction to, is not registering anywhere on my excitment meter. Maybe when I talk to her that will change. I don't know. A friend said that it is normal. That I'm still carrying around my baggage from the failed relationship. I hope not. I guess I am, but I thought it was more baggage like, will she leave me? Am I not good enough? Is she not good enough?

Still, the whole point of dating these girls in particular was they seem like fun, and they don't seem like "the one". That way, no pressure. Maybe things will change. I gotta make that second date call. Who knows? Maybe I'll start to feel something.

--my divorce is expensive

I have been trying to get myself to file the papers, and was going to go this past Monday, when I went online to find out how much to bring for the court filing fee, and it turns out to be $320. Can you fucking believe it? NB can't afford anything. She has to use her credit card to buy groceries. So, if I want this to finally be over, I have to shell out three big ones! I just don't have that kind of money.

--I'm on a bad trajectory

The sketch program has changed and it is good, and bad. They are starting a new company comprised mostly of my class. It is good, because we have a talented group in my class, but it is bad because the way they are changing it means we have to meet every week to write and perform. That means every Wed night from 7 - 10 for writing, and every Sat night for performing. Starting in Jan. That kills my restaurant job. I only work there Sat, Sun, and Mon as it is. Every time I get a letter from work, I expect them to be telling me they are cutting off my insurance. You are supposed to work 20 hours a week to qualify. Right now I work about 12. I can't do both, so I guess I have to give one up. But how? Then, on Wed nights is the real money making shift at the acting studio. We start that class up again next week, and SS always talks about how great it is having three teachers. Him, the normal drama teacher(who has joined our class as a teacher), and me. I hate to tell him I can't do it anymore. At least after this session.

I don't know what I'm going to do, but I'm trying to believe in the expression, "Leap and the net will appear."

--my cat might be sick

He is constantly hungry. More so than normal, for about a week now. I found an online vet advice site, and asked them for a diagnosis, and they said one of two things. Allergy, or diabetes. Allergy is the least likely, because it would mean a change has happened recently, and one hasn't. Diabetes is more like it, especially since he had it for about a week, two years ago. Odd, I know, you're supposed to always have it, not just for a week, but we caught it so early, the insulin jump started his pancreas. I could try that again, but that adventure cost me about $500, and if you recall from a couple of bulletin points ago, I don't have it.

God, and if he is diabetic, and I can't shake it, that will just be awful. I just don't have a consistent enough schedule to try and do that. I don't know.

As I write all of this down, my heart is growing heavier with all the thoughts. See, this is why I don't like sharing anymore. It bursts my denial. Damn.

Gotta fly to San Jose today for a murder show. Maybe that will cheer me up.

Oh, I had a date

Well, the past few days have been leaving the house at 10 am and not getting back until 2 am. No time to type.

I had my date on Thursday night. It went fine.

We decided to meet at Jones Bar. That is the same place I had my last first date. I don't think I will go there again. It is more a third date place. Cool and dark, but too loud. Better for sitting real close to someone.

I was in a good frame of mind about this because I already have another date with a different girl, and this one wasn't someone I had been hoping to date. It was a blind date, in a way. I got to the bar about 15 minutes early, and ordered a drink, and scoped out a good place to sit.

I found a spot at the bar after about 5 minutes, and waited for her to arrive. As I waited, a gorgeous girl sat down next to me, and said, I know you are waiting for someone else, but can I just sit here while I order a drink. I said yeah, and we started to talk, but then my date arrived, and she had to go. Damn.

G was an attractive girl. I had seen a picture of her, but it didn't do justice. In fact, from her picture, I was kind of turned off. She looks much better in real life, but still I found no real spark kick in for me.

She sat and ordered. She is a real drinker, so I felt comfortable around her. Not one of those judgemental girls, like the last date I had.

We talked theatre, and Bosnia, and work, and comedy, and blah, blah, blah. It was a fine conversation, but never was I falling for her. I enjoyed it, but you know. Whatever.

We moved to a table to eat, because she was hungry. She ordered calamari, and I thought, Perfect, the litmus test! The last girl didn't want to use her fingers, and scooped the sauce out onto her own plate, and was just uptight in general. G instantly picked up a piece with her finger and dipped it into the sauce and before she bit into it, stopped and told me to eat. All a good sign.

I paid for the bill, mostly because I had started a tab with the first drink, and I guess I'm kind of old fashioned that way. She insisted on paying, but I stopped her. We left after about 2 1/2 hours. I walked her to the valet, and kissed her goodnight.

I didn't really feel anything again with the kiss. I don't know. Maybe I was nervous, and couldn't get into it, or maybe she is a pretty, nice, and funny girl, and those are great, but it isn't working for me.

Anyway, I didn't say anything like I'll call you, or see you soon. She kept talking about doing something else, and I would nod and laugh, and smile.

The only thing that bugged me about her is she asked me three times what I had to do the next day. Ask me twice, ok, you forgot once, but ask me three times? You ain't listening to me.

I heard from MM, who set us up, that she was impressed with me. Wants me to take her out again. He also told me that she asked why I was still single, and he fessed to her that I was recently divorced. She seemed to be concerned about a failed relationship, but MM told her that would be between her and I. Hey, if she has a hang up about it, then she can blow it out her ass.

I guess I am in the right frame of mind.

I suppose I will take her out again. She was cool and fun. We'll see if any sort of spark ignites. If I take her out again, and we make out, and still nothing, then that is it. Not enough time or money to put it towards that. Plus, like I said, there is always the other date with the other girl.

Almost six months later

Well, six months ago I had my first date in a LONG time.

Then, nothing.

Today, I had the fortune of making two dates. One for tomorrow night, and one with a different girl for next week.

WHO AM I?

Two dates in one day? Cooool.

The one tomorrow was a fix up, and we will see about it. It is kind of a blind date, except we have seen pictures of each other.

The one next week is with a girl I met in a bar, who is friends with someone I know. It was a lot of talking back and forth with an intermediary, but finally I just asked her out. She is out of town a bunch this month, so it will be kind of tough getting together, but at least then she wont find me to be the difficult one.

The one tomorrow is an actress, the other is a comedian.

Oh, and I got the girl with two kids phone number this past weekend. Talk about Labor day weekend! I've been hard at work!

Now, all I have to do is get over my tremendous mounting fear of all three of them. Haha.

Plus, I saw NB today, and she asked if we maybe gave up too soon on our marriage. I said, too late to ask that one.

I almost saw a tear in her eye, so I then changed to no, we didn't give up too soon. Back then, we were both becoming different people and wanting different things. Now, we are those people and we look at the other and think, well good for you, and that is kind of attractive, but the truth is, we are too different now to ever be lovers.

So there!

How is someone so good with women, and so bad with them too, getting in to so many situations like I am?

Answer: It's all for the funny stories.

The girls in my life

This is a list that is in no particular order.


There is the girl that will never be. She sees me as a friend, and I see her as someone I should only think of as a friend, but don't.

There is the girl who I doubt. I'm told she is funny and that we will get along, but when I talk to her she bores me. I try to keep an open mind, but I'm starting to wonder about the person who tells me she is great.

There is the girl who I think would be fun. Emotional, exotic, talented, spontaneous, and joyful. I don't know if it is wrong to tell her, even though I think she has a crush on me. The problem is... I'm not supposed to date her.

There is the girl who I feel a tremendous connection with, and at the same time, a tremendous divide with. This is the one that seems to be working, and I fear it will only lead to heartbreak. Yet, I can't stop advancing.

There is the girl who is emotionally raw, and brilliant at the same time. She might not even consider me, but I often think of her, and I can't even let her know.

There is the girl who I think I have let all feelings go. Then I touch her, and some spark ignites and I just try to kill it. It will never be.

There is the girl who is dating another. We are open about our mutual crush, but she is strong, and I wouldn't want it any other way. Still, when she nestles in the crook of my arm, I can't help but get erect and wonder what if.

There is the girl who she introduced me to and for a second I thought there might be something there. Then she turned away. Still, while saying goodbye to her, for she does live on the East Coast, I thought again that maybe there was a chance. Too late. You shouldn't have turned away.

There is the girl who I don't like. She won't admit she likes me, but I can tell she does. I hope she never admits it. She came close today.

There is the girl who I said goodbye to tonight. She makes me blush with her frankness, and she often challenges me, but I think she is actually crazy and too, too, too young. Still, there was a moment when I thought things might go in a very weird and delicious direction.

There is the girl who was and shall never be again. Sometimes you still pervade my thoughts.

There is the girl who I am waiting for. Do I already know you? When will you become apparent?

I thought my life was bizarre

So, I hung out with a guy from the office. This is my first office friend.

Making friends in an office is totally different from making them in a restaurant. In a restaurant, after every shift, people sit and have a drink. So, from day one, you are meeting and getting fucked up with people and that facilitates the meeting process.

That is why people in restaurants develop a trench warfare closeness that other jobs sites don't have. That is also why people in restaurants sleep with one another with a far too casual air.

In an office, you talk slightly while at work, and then you agree on something, which makes you expand your topics of conversation, and then you realize that you are like minded people, and you continue to expand your topics, and then one day after you have had an unusual giggle fest, you turn to the other and say, " we have to go out and have drinks sometime."

Then, you do.

Tonight, was drinks sometime with the guy who runs the office for SS. He is a friend on myspace. He is the naked guy with the guitar.

So, I get to his studio apartment, because we decided to meet where he lives, since he lives close to me, and I was just getting out of work. Plus, he had a twelve pack.

He plays some songs for me, and then shows me how he has learned the drum part to them. He is a musician, and though he mostly plays guitar, he just learned the drums, and has a set taking up 1/3 of his none too spacious living room. He is actually very accomplished for only learning the drums a couple of months ago.

Then, he takes me outside. It is a twisting, winding path up through his landlord's back yard to an upper deck that looks out over the Hollywood Hills and views the Hollywood sign. We take seats on lawn chairs and smoke some pot, and talk about how we are both divorced. Suddenly, I get what was the like minded clue that made him first decide to suggest drinks.

We tell some funny stories about being married, and traveling as a couple, and trying to score chicks since being single. We bitch about the divorce process. We giggle over stories of SS.

We go inside to refuel. Once there, he asks if I would like to see photos. Sure. He plops down on a tiny couch next to me, and digs through a shoe box full of photos. He shows me pictures of his ex and of him, of him in high school, of him and his step dad, you know, regular family type photos.

Then, he shows me photos of buildings. A hotel he stayed in in Vancouver. The building across the street from that hotel.

He shows me photos of his ex girlfriend. Naked photos of her. Then, naked photos of high school friends. Not the sort of naked photos I want to see. Not even the ones of his girlfriend, although she was attractive, it still is kind of creepy.

Then, he shows me photos of his old job in Seattle as a dispatcher for bike messengers. He shows his other co workers shooting up, and fingering one another, and standing around the job in their underwear because they got caught in the rain. He tells me it was the strangest place to work, but I think it is also strange to have taken photos of the place and now show them to a stranger. Well, not a total stranger, but really, is this a first drink activity?

We talk a bit more about music, and then tell some more silly stories about each other, and then, that is that. I bid him adieu, and take leave of him for the night.