Re-do

My brother is coming into town tonight. I am glad.

Last time he was here, back in early October, I was an asshole to him.

I was going through a very angry stage then. I was an asshole to my mom, to my friend, and to my brother.

They were people who loved me, and who I loved, and therefore felt safe with, and I lashed out at them.

With my friends here in town, I am needy. With my friends from out of town, I can lash out because they go away, and I don't have to suffer the consequences.

Now, I don't feel so angry.

I want to make it up to my brother.

Last time he was here, I made him pay me $200. I had to take a Saturday night off to hang with him, and I couldn't afford anything at that time. So, he paid me $200 to take the night off. Then, we argued a lot that weekend. At the end of the trip, as he was leaving, he paid me, and I said, nice doing business with you. If you had paid me first, maybe I would have been nicer.

What a prick.

So, he is coming into town.

He wants to take me out to dinner, because he can expense account it. Still, I am going to be sweet to him.

For as different as we are, I do love him. I see how much he looks up to me, and sometimes that shames me. I don't really look up to him.

Still, I think he is doing well for himself. I'm proud of who he is becoming. And I love him.

Well at least now I know I can play the role

At my acting studio, there is a type of character called the Lovable Loser. I have had trouble playing that role. SS says I'm not vulnerable enough.

Some of the characteristics are desperate, needy, self deprecating, hopeful, optimistic, and determined.

The first half of characteristics make him the loser, the second half make him lovable.

I taught a class this morning for teens in which we went over the characteristics. Suddenly, I realized that, in fact, not only can I play him, but I AM him.

My whole thing with TO is lovable loser. I am desperate. I am needy. I am also hopeful, and optimistic, and determined.

As to the self deprecating, well, need I say more in this forum to prove it?

I think I have been relegated to the friend category. Why? Because in a response to my self deprecating tendency she wrote this to me:

btw, i hear you making comments on a regular basis like you are past
your prime or something and it kind of bothers me. I really believe the
only thing between you and total catch is your attitude about yourself
- hello! I dont really know what you used to look like, but (get your
ego pump ready) you have great hair, skin, body, looks, and you're
funny, laid back, smart, going places, etc etc. you're a total
package, and the women should reasonably be after you, until you say
things like "i used to be" and then they stop and go - wait, what
am i missing? Ease up on the put-downs, sexy. I think you're a great
catch. And you laugh alot which is cool. So there. I'm not gonna take
it anymore. Don't make me get out my bat. and don't be saying that
you're just joking. You've got way better jokes than that.

At first, I was thrilled to receive that from her. I love how she describes me.

Then, I realized, that if she felt about me the way I feel about her, she couldn't say those things to me so easy. It would be scary. Maybe she was scared, but it doesn't sound that way. There doesn't seem to be a vulnerable reveal in that speech.

That is a pump up your girlfriend speech.

So, there. Some could make a case against, but I'm pretty sure.

Too bad too. I really think I am in love with her. Why?

Here's why:

When she looks at me, I feel 100ft tall, and unafraid. She gives me power and strength just looking at me.

I wake up each day and want to talk to her. I want to know what she is doing and what she is thinking.

She makes me laugh. She is fun.

When I see fear or hurt in her eyes, I want to hold her and make it better.

When I touch her, my body leaps.

I spanked her ass last night (at her prompting) and let my hand linger. She commented on it, but I couldn't talk to her because I found I was hard just from that quick touch.

I brought up the whole boyfriend in Paris thing. She is going for two weeks and she is very excited. It sucks.

I asked how long he is going to be there. No answer. Then I asked what he is doing there. She said filming some stuff and applying for grad school. Hopefully, he gets in. Hopefully, it is over there. Hopefully, it is a three year program.

Hopeful. Desperate. Needy. Self deprecating.

Optimistic!

Don't know how to do it

I feel like she is pulling away.

I saw her tonight, and just wished I could do more than I could.

Instead, I played it cool, and let her be.

I talked with others. I only was present if she talked to me.

Found out she is going to Paris for two weeks coming up soon.

I really think I am going to end up with the short straw on this one.

Can you believe, I actually prayed tonight for guidance on how to make this possible.

At the end of the night, a guy in the main company who I like a lot, and who I always have fun with, came up to me and said, so I hear we have to fight it out over TO. He said he met her tonight, and was mesmerized, and when he asked someone about her, he was told she is dating someone, but if that doesn't work then I have dibs.

What an odd way to be considered.

The guy who gets the girl if things don't work out.

Odd perspective, I know, because most people would say, the guy who gets the girl if things DO work out.

So, I'm odd. Pish.

Take It Easy

Trying to be nice to myself today.

I wasn't very nice yesterday. Got a little hard on my abilities.

I told you I have been having a hard time in acting class. That continued. Just seemed like I couldn't quite do anything right.

Also, TO is starting to pull away again. Normal. We go through this. She is probably feeling guilty, or her naughty fantasy fling is wearing off, either way, she is doing the whole distance thing to me again. I guess it is what you should expect when your girlfriend has a boyfriend who isn't you.

Plus, SS asked me how the agent meeting went, and when I told him that the guy he had set me up with didn't see me, but had me meet with his partner, SS got upset. He felt personally insulted, and called the agency to see what they thought of me.

They never called him back. Last night, he said they were avoiding him. Not a good sign.

I got out of class and went to go get some dinner. I really wanted to talk to someone. As I was waiting for the meal to be made, I had a beer.

Then, I called R. It is the second time in as many days that I have called her. She is always great to talk to. Both funny, and reasonable with her advice. She clears your head, and picks you up.

I skimmed over the reason I called her. I had something I had to tell her, so I just talked about that, but really, I just wanted to talk to someone. When I got off the phone with her, I still had half a beer, and I just stood outside the restaurant wishing I had someone else.

I hate being alone.

Well, I got home and popped in a movie so that I would shake the bad thoughts.

Then, today, SS called me.

He said he finally got ahold of the agent. The guy admitted to not meeting with me, but said his partner liked me, and he had intended to bring me back in to meet with him. SS praised me to him, and the guy was going to sign me right there, but SS said no. He told him to meet with me so that I could get in solely on my own merit and not because SS told someone to sign me.

That made me feel good. Not only because SS would go to bat for me like that, but also that he has enough confidence in me to tell them to see me first before actually signing me.

He and I talked a bit more, and he said he has been hard on me the past few weeks in class because he thinks I am extremely talented and he wants me to be the best I can be. He said he also thinks being hard on me will make me a better teacher, and he reiterated that he wants me to be a teacher at the studio. He said he wants to get me out of the restaurant and have me make my living as actor and teacher.

I told him that is exactly my plan too. He was excited to hear it.

We had negotiated, and I am going to start TAing for him on Thursday nights, as well as Tuesdays, and he cut my tuition for class in half. Eventually, I won't pay for class (his words) and then ultimately I will be a paid instructor.

I told him it was tough, him being hard on me, but I also told him to go right on being hard. I don't need someone holding my hand and doing me no good.

I have TO for that!

But It's Great For Comedy!

I am rolling down a hill.

I am walking in the middle of the freeway blindfolded.

I am the president of the United States, and I have no clue.

Wait. That last one hurts even more than I'm feeling.

I keep emailing with TO, and getting closer and closer. Not closer to what I want, but closer to a feeling that could drop off of a cliff and land splat on the spiky rocks below.

Obviously, she likes me. She is continuing to email with me also.

The nut of it is, does she like me more. Right now, there is a situation between three people where one, maybe two, are going to get hurt.

My chances are the weakest considering the other guy is already her boyfriend. I mean, I connect with her more, I know that to be true, but he's got her already.

I just keep fighting though. Really, if it wasn't pathetic, it would be totally admirable. I must say, I have never fought like this for a woman ever.

What does that say?

Anyway, all that aside, I wrote my first sketch last night.

Had a funny story about that.

My friend TH is in the sketch program I am now joining. My teacher in fact is pretty good friends with him. During class, while talking to her, she asked if I worked at the same place as TH, and I told her yes. I told her how he and I were long friends, and how he got me into this theatre.

I thought I was doing some good name dropping.

Then, like I said, I got my first idea while driving to work.

Yesterday morning, I called TH just to tell him I was starting sketch, and how nervous I was, but how quickly I came up with an idea.

He asked what the idea was. I told him.

He said, are you shitting me? What? Are you fucking with me? No.

He told me he had just pitched the exact same idea not three weeks earlier. He thought he told me about it, but he hadn't. We just happened to come up with the same exact idea.

He said, you can't use it. She'll think I gave it to you, or worse, you stole it from me.

Damn. I was pissed. Why did I call him?! He said I was lucky to have called him. We then talked about all the scenes I can't write.

At the end of our conversation, he asked if I was still mad about losing the scene. Yeah, I said.

I then said it would be all right. I told him that I was panicked coming out of class, and five minutes later, I had my scene.

I looked at the clock. It said 11:40. I told him, if I just relax again, I bet I will have my next idea before noon.

We hung up. I went into the living room with the sketch writing book, and started to read over the assignment, and the samples.

Suddenly, I had my idea! It just sprang into me. I looked at the clock. It was 11:55.

Boy, I wanted to call him and say HA!

But, I was afraid he had just written my idea.

Comedy!

Could Get Sketchy

So, I started the next class level at the theatre where I do improv.

I had been avoiding doing it because it is writing sketch. I usually hate sketch. Not all, but so much is so bad that I can't stand it.

Well, everyone from the theatre owners to the director of the sketch shows to performers in sketch and performers in improv have been telling me to go do this, so here I go.

The first class was yesterday. There is a 75 page book all about the particular technique that this theatre employs. We have to write a new sketch every week for the next 8 weeks. We also have to rewrite the previous weeks sketch. That makes two sketches a week.

Plus they have to be particular sketches. Not just what you feel like writing, but a sketch that is following certain guidelines that are imposed on you for that week.

Yikes.

At the end of class, my mind was blank. I truly didn't think I could do it. Then, five minutes into driving away, I had my first idea.

Also, here is a neat little kicker for the class. BU, the girl I went on a date with and then never called until too late and then she sort of dumped me, is in the class.

That's right. All that writing pressure, and a girl who would like to stick melted marshmallows into my heart's arteries.

She came around the corner and both of us plastered smiles onto our faces. I played it cool, and hugged her. She played pretty cool too. She kicked me in the balls.

This is my good time life.

Can't Sleep

I have been lying in bed awake for a half hour.

I have only gotten four hours of sleep.

Why can't I sleep, you ask? (because you are forced to ask due to me controlling the keyboard of your thoughts)

Why?

Let me tell you.

Thursday night:

I arrive at rehearsal and we begin an exercise called status shift. Some of us play low status, some high.

The ways in which we do this are dictated. Some people maintain eye contact while others can't look you in the eye. Some people touch their face while others touch other people's personal space.

During the exercise, I tried to avoid TO. I was playing it cool. Didn't want to come off as creepy, needy guy.

Well, she came straight to me. She was a touch other people person, and she came up and started feeling my muscles. Not that I have any, but she put her hands where they would theoretically be.

Then, when we played the eye contact part, she came up to me when I was supposed to be the low status, can't look at you guy.

She told me I didn't know how to play low status. I told her I wasn't looking her in the eye. She said yes, but I stood outside the group and made people come to me, which is super high status.

I smiled. My playing it cool with her actually worked!

When we sat down in the seats, she couldn't stop whispering jokes to me, and playing with my shirt, and I couldn't stop reacting to everything she did, and listening to every sound she made.

She challenged me to try and play low status to her (a challenge I found super hot, if only I could play it the way I would like).

When I got up to do a scene with a guy who was playing my dad, I was low status. The scene was a birds and bees talk, and I played that I didn't want to ever have sex. My 'dad' wanted me to have sex. He was going to call a girl to come over and have sex with me. Well, guess who got up to play that role? I really couldn't continue to be funny. She was sitting next to me, cuddling with me, and I just wanted to jump her.

After rehearsal, she had to go do her show. I was going to watch. She wanted to get something to eat, but there wasn't much time, so I told her if she could hold out, I would eat with her after the show at the bar next door. She agreed to that.

Then, she asked if I had her brella. She had left her umbrella at my house the week before, and I saw it and emailed her that I had it. I called it a brella to try to be "cute". When she repeated the term brella, I knew it had worked. She said it a couple of times. Brella, brella.

I felt in.

She did her show, and it was funny. Afterwards, she complimented another performer by telling them what they did was so funny, she saw me jump out of my seat laughing. I thought, so, you are watching me even when you should be on stage?

We went next door to eat, but the kitchen was closed. She turned to me and said, would you like to go somewhere else.

BOY, WOULD I!!!

Everyone from her show, and my troupe, were gathering in the bar, and asking us to drink with them, that it kind of ruined the let's us go somewhere else thing. Still, she was starving. I too was hungry, but I was losing my appetite just by wanting to be with her. Giddy stomach, I call it. Can't eat, don't care.

We decided to go to a nearby store and get some sushi.

On my date a few months back, when I ordered rare tuna, the girl I was with said she couldn't eat raw fish, and I remember thinking that would mean we would never go get sushi together, and I remember feeling sad about that.

Well, this one practically only eats sushi!

We went to the parking garage, and she said, do you want to drive?

Yes, I said. Oh my god, I thought.

There she was... in my car. Sitting right there. On my seat!

We drove to the store. We made silly small talk. We chose our sushi, totally planning to share with each other.

We drove back.

It felt so routine, but so sweet. Like when you are dating someone, and you finally get to that point where you stay home that night, rather than go out. It is so common and routine, but super sexy because you are doing it with that person for the first time.

On the way back, we hit a quiet patch, and I wanted to fill the space. Then, I let it be quiet, just in case she came up with something interesting to talk about. After a bit, I asked how she liked our show. She likes it.

When we spread out to eat, everyone at the table was staring at us. Partly because we had this unusual, self made buffet in front of them, but also because we worked as a team. I grabbed drinks, she put out food. I filled wasabi with soy, she scooped out seaweed salad onto our plates.

We ate. I listened to a couple of the guys who always crack me up. She did too, but I noticed her refill my plate a couple of times. I wanted to grab her and squeeze her when she did.

She drank her water quick, and then just grabbed mine and drank out of it. She went to return it, but I told her she could have it.

I'm that pathetic. I swooned when she drank my goddamn water!

We both decided to leave at the same time. She asked if I would walk her to her car. It was parked right next to mine, so I found that odd, but still.

On the way up, she told me that it was exhausting listening to the two guys because they are always "on", and you never knew who they really were.

I agreed, but felt like I should say something serious then.

All day Friday, I thought of her. I wanted to text message her, but knew that would be dangerous. Could I control what I would say?

My thoughts turned to reality.

What am I doing to myself? She has a boyfriend. Sure he is in Paris right now, but geez. I told myself I needed to go back to playing it cool. Play it cool.

When she arrived at my house to watch the tape, others arrive with her. I talked to them. When she unraveled her sandwich, I ignored it. When someone else asked what she got, I was relieved. I could talk to her, but only because someone else made her a topic.

I offered her some water, but she said she wanted soda. I just happened to have Coke. I poured her a glass, with ice. I inwardly smiled when she got up herself to refill it. Something about her just casually walking to my kitchen and nonchalantly opening my fridge. Golly.

Before the show, I was feeling odd. I told her I wasn't feeling up to the show that night. She seemed surprised. I went outside to get my energy up. When I came back in, everyone was talking about sex. I left the room, saying it had been too long, and I couldn't hear this conversation. I went back out and pumped up a bit more. When I came back, she instantly returned the conversation to sex to get me riled again. I played it off.

Just before we were to go on, she came in real close to me, grabbing my shirt and leaning in to whisper. It freaked me out a bit, because it seemed like she was going to kiss me. She said, if we have a scene together, I'm going to fuck you up.

My mind tried desperately to eliminate the up from that sentence.

Still, I loved that she felt that need. A bit primal, no?

During the show (which was going great), we were sitting next to each other on the side. At one point, our hands met as we set them down on the seat between us. It was just our pinkys touching, but it was electric to me. I totally tuned out the show, and just felt with all I had through my pinky. I didn't move it closer or anything, but I could feel her awareness. She kept hers there a bit too, and then she moved it.

It seemed electric and also awkward. I felt it was maybe too much.

After the show, she was gone. I thought she might come drink next door with all of us, but she left so fast, most people didn't realize she was gone.

I kept checking my phone, like she would call me or something. Nope.

It was all right. I reminded myself, I need to play cool. I talked with my friends. I just wanted to tell them about her, but I couldn't. Play cool. Play cool.

I worried that the pinky touch freaked her out.

Play cool.

I checked my phone.

Play cool.

I resigned myself to letting it go, and I would see her next week.

Then, as I was leaving, BB asked me to hang around. He said he needed to talk to me. We waited til others were gone, and then I sat down with him.

Now, BB is one of the guys who is always "on". He is a super funny guy, and also a really caring guy. I love him. I look up to him. I was interested in what he needed to tell me. He seemed serious, which is odd for him.

He sat me down, and leaned in, and asked what was up with TO and I.

I was taken aback. I didn't expect it. I asked him what he meant.

He asked if there was anything between us. I hemmed and shook my head no, but I looked him in the eye like, go on.

He said he thought she was crazy about me. He thought I liked her too, but he said he knew she was crazy about me. He said he could see it in the way we hung out the night before.

I admitted to how I felt and said that there was nothing there because I was trying to play it cool and also because she has a boyfriend.

He said he knew, but said that a couple of weeks ago she told him her boyfriend was moving to Paris.

Moving there.

He said he thought she was playing the good girlfriend, but was already test driving me for when she could "legally" be with me.

My mind was swimming. Really, was all I could say.

He said he thought we were a good match, and I would do swell with a girl like her. He reassured me that she was crazy about me. I smiled. I said I hoped he was right.

I left. The bartender had started to talk to BB, and I didn't think my head could take anymore.

I drove home unaware of the road. I sat up for another hour and a half. Not drinking, just sitting.

I can't sleep.

That is why I can't sleep.

Could you?

My guy

For the entire eight years I have lived here, I have always gone to the same mechanic. He's my guy.

I liked him from the start when I had to smog test my old metro, and I asked him if some job needed to be done for the test, and he said no. If a mechanic says a job doesn't need to be done, keep him. They don't often come honest.

The next time I knew he was the guy for me was the next time he had to work on the old metro. He told me it was a piece of shit, and I should get a new car.

Ok, I thought, we think alike.

Today, I put too much oil in my new metro. Idiot move. I didn't check the oil before adding, and went a quart too far. The car started to seize up and blow white smoke out of the exhaust. I took it to my guy.

He told me I put too much oil in. He made a metaphor of how much I can drink, and when I've had too much. If he was talking water, ok. If he was talking booze, well then, back off buddy, I'm the expert there.

So, he had his guy work on my car.

Now, after eight years, he has come to know me.

So, right away he asks how my other car is.

The jeep. Uh, well, actually that is my wife's car now.

How is she, he asks.

Ok, time to break the news.

We are divorced.

I hate breaking the news to people who don't really know you, but know you enough to ask questions like that. They either take it harder than they should, or they take it entirely the wrong way.

I start to launch into my 'were friends' speech, but he wants to know what happened and how long we were together.

I tell him. He is sitting down with me, and I'm feeling like a bud more than a customer.

Then he says, too bad you let her go. She was nice. You don't find that in a lot of girls. These days, girls... You are gonna have a tough time finding someone like her.

Dude?!

I know we are sitting around like buds, and we have known each other for a while now, but don't rain on my parade!

Even my true friends who know better and agree that I am going to have a tough time don't say that to me.

He got a call, and walked away, so I took the opportunity to get on the phone and end our conversation.

When he came out, he waved to me, so I got off the phone and walked over thinking he had news of my car.

Instead, when I get to him, he starts up again about women and how tough it is for a guy. He is married eight years, and his wife is considerably younger than him. He also asks me who moved out of our house. Her or me.

When I tell him she moved out, he asks, oh, do you live in a crappy place?

No. I got the good end of the deal there.

Why must the man always lose? Why does society always think the guy is the one who is going to get taken?

Even when X and I sent out our email notifying all that we planned to split amicably, a lot of people came to me assuming that she had been cheating and that I had gotten dumped.

My guy ended up having to get back to work, thank god.

My car is better for the trip, but my ego and reputation got into a fender bender.

Guards, Agents, Jokes, and the Dinner story

*I have a mouthguard now that I am supposed to wear at night.

To stop grinding. Apparently, if you didn't know, I'm stressed.

I guess it is working. My bite has never quite gotten back to the way that feels comfortable, and when I first wake in the morning, it is even worse. The dentist said that was normal for a nightguard to do.

Ok. So, I wear this super sexy adult retainer the rest of my life, and it fucks up my breakfast chew, all so that I will be 1/750th less stressed than I have been all my life?

Plus, when I put it in, I automatically clamp down on it. It covers all of my lower teeth, and as soon as it is in, I seem to bite down hard. Instinctively. Like a baby grabbing your finger if you caress his palm. (two of you will really get that one)


*I have a meeting with a commercial agent tomorrow. I really hate this. I hate meeting agents. It is so much a prove you can be cool ritual that I have failed since high school. Actually, I started failing it in Jr. High.

This guy sounds decent enough. Italian, so I got that going for me. Crazy, so I guess I won't be the only one. It's just that I am not really a commercial looking guy. I am not good looking enough to be the Hollywood handsome fuck me type, but I am good looking enough to not be the stock character actor.

(although, after watching myself on tape last night in acting class, I am slowly getting ugly enough to start having a great career. thats a good thing, right?)

*Got an evite to a fellow class members bowling birthday. Went on the site and one of the other guys said he would be there and asked if there would be pretty girls for "me and Tony to hit on".

I was taken aback. Not that I mind someone using my name for a joke, but I don't think that was a joke. So, I decided to turn it into one, and wrote, "I will have to be late, but will finally make it after K is done hitting women for me".

Ok, not a funny joke, but a joke.

Well, the guy who sent the evite got all rumpled and wrote in his response that no women will be hit "as Mr. Rago has suggested". I thought he was continuing the joke until last night in class when he pointed out my "typo". I told him it wasn't a typo, but a joke. He kind of smiled like he thought I should have gone with the typo story. The world is just not ready for my bland sarcasm.

*X has called me three times this week. All for random shit that she needs. I'm not sure it is a good thing. I think we need more space from each other. It still feels odd to me, especially given what I recently mulled over. I try to maintain a friendship, but I wonder if that is really healthy.

*I fear the future. I wonder if I really want to pursue this teaching at the studio. It is better than waiting tables, but I don't know if it is what I would really rather do. I do however need to get my shit together. I think about how attractive I look on paper to some woman, and I just don't see the bonus. Sure I'm funny and caring and crazy in the sack, but is that a fling or a life long prospect. It was cute at 26. It should be a subplot at 38.

*Had dinner with my aunt yesterday. She is divorced now three years, and is sixty one. She started internet dating, and loves it and is trying to get me to do it. Even has promised to pay my first three months for it.

Is that weird to anyone else?

She told me for her site picture, she duct taped her breasts up, and wore a blazer with no shirt.

I felt my inner eye boil as it conjured that image. My god.

Plus, why duct tape? I'm sure they have a thing called push up bras. Isn't that easier to apply and remove than duct tape? And after you pose like that as your ad, don't you want to repeat the performance for your first couple of dates? Wouldn't a bra be an easier option than the repeated ducting the girls up?

You see? I really am leaps and bounds above what the lord gave me as a starting base. You can't blame me for being an insecure man child at this age when you see the hand I was dealt.

Another in my Bed

I am stealing a moment to write this even though there are pleas for me to come to bed.

In a few moments, I will be in bed with a head on my chest and some soft snoring to keep me at peace.

My aren't you curious.

I am talking, of course, about my love. Only ten years old.

Owen.

For the past two weeks or so, we have started this little ritual where when I go to bed, he jumps up to lay with me, and I pet him, and love him, and he kisses me back, and then he never leaves.

He curls up next to me, or more often on me, and falls asleep. Then, sleeps there all night.

I think it is part of his aging. We have made this such a routine, that now, if it gets late, and I am up, he starts to meow at me telling me it is bedtime.

As soon as I get up, he runs and jumps into the bed. It is like he can't sleep without me.

To be frank, I love it.

We have always been close. He always would prefer to sit in my lap over X's. It was all right. She had Kip, so I got O.

However, our relationship was more based on what I would provide him with, and if that was nothing, then he would leave.

The bed thing though is different. Sometimes, I don't even pet him. I'll be too tired. So, I just lay my arm out over the cover, and he lies down on my arm, or curls up with it, and conks out.

I love waking up in the morning with him tucked into one of the smalls or crooks of my body. Sometimes, he even lays down over my neck and tucks himself around my chin. I feel closer to him at that point then ever.

Tonight, I turned on HBO. Terms of Endearment was on, and despite the full knowledge that it would upset me, I watched it.

As soon as the doctor said my dear, you have a malignancy, I was crying. I didn't stop. Cancer always makes me bawl.

At the height of my jag, Owen came out of the bedroom and searched my face for what I was doing. He then jumped up onto my chest, and licked at my face. I seriously think he was trying to stop my crying.

I loved him so much for that.

I hope he feels about me like I feel about him.

Ok, no more writing. I have to get to bed.

The Power of the Mind and of God

Well, it worked.

I told myself I was not in a funk. Told myself that all day.

Then, the show went great.

I thought we would have a crap audience. Good Friday. Bunch of people were calling me saying are you even having a show tonight.

Easter weekend. People are out of town.

Rain. LA people hate leaving their homes when it rains. Water melts them. Seriously, the plastic surgery isn't made to withstand water.

In stead, we had a huge crowd. About 80 people. Energized too.

The newbies all came alive. They just started having fun. It was a great time. I had fun, and did well too.

Ah, the power of the mind. Over and over again, I realize that lesson. What you tell yourself is what you believe.

So... funk over. Now. That's it.

Oh, the power of God.

Well, after the show, my usual crowd was not there, so I sat with the cast. I sat with TO to be exact. Her BF is out of town, so we could sit and talk.

She was wondering aloud earlier in the night if dating someone five years younger is a problem. My ears perked up when she said that. Could there be a rift?

I told her not to worry. I said my first girlfriend was five years older than me.

She asked what happened.

I said the relationship didn't work because I was too young.

Got cha!

After the show, we were talking about the show. Then, I mentioned church. Or asked her what she was doing on Easter, and she said going to church, and I started to talk to her about it.

She had mentioned before that she goes to this really progressive, intellectual church in Pasadena.

So, I asked her more about it.

A few years back, I really got desperate for some sort of spirituality in my life. I started reading books about Jesus and the bible. Not reading the actual bible, but books about the bible.

Never really found what I was looking for.

Thought often about going to church, but I hate the hypocrisy of it all, and didn't think I would find one without it.

TO, however, seems intelligent, and not the type to fall for crap. Not counting her boyfriend. Badum-cha!

Anyway, we got to talking about her church, and about our beliefs, and the next thing I knew, we were having this great, intense conversation all to ourselves. I loved it. Both for the chance to just talk to her alone, and for the content.

So, I've decided to go to church with her. We thought Easter wouldn't be a great time for the first introduction, but as I write this, I wish I had said yes to Easter. I kind of wish to do something tomorrow, and church with all of it's ceremony would be great.

I just texted her asking if I could go. As I wrote this, I thought what the hell. Change your mind. It is never too late.

We'll see if she responds.

So, that was my night.

Was I using God to get close to her, or was I getting close to her because I am looking for God?

We'll see.

Watch, God will already have a boyfriend too.

USO

Well, it is official.

In August, I am going to Bosnia to entertain the troops with the murder show.

Ten days going from base to base. Sleeping in the barracks. Eating in the mess.

All expenses paid. Except any off base purchases, which in Bosnia will mean $3 for a
fancy steak dinner.

It will be exhausting, I am told. It will also be a great trip. One of the guys last night was
both jealous and relieved he wasn't going. That should say it all.

The show last night was murder. Not the funny kind. I really think I have lost my mojo. The cast kept asking me what was wrong. The old man kept telling me after a joke that it wasn't funny.

The group got wasted before the show. It was a 50 birthday party, and they were REDNECKS.

We finally decided to cut 2/3's of the second act. Pretty much all of my stuff. It is just useless comedy, doesn't advance the plot. The old man said I wasn't my usual self anyway, so let's not do it.

He made sure it was all right with me first. It was. I didn't feel it. Plus, the group was wasted and not listening. He was dying out there, I would have exploded.

Got to change this around. I'm going to deny that I am in a funk, and have a good show tonight.

Also, I am on the antibiotics, so no drinking. Haven't had a drink since last Friday night. Doing the show tonight without that one drink will be good. I've been telling myself I don't rely on it, because that would be bad, and now I get to prove it.

Also, I'm ready to start having fun with my guy. I mean I have been having fun, but start getting silly with him. It really doesn't take much to get the audience to enjoy it.

So, there. Funk over. Gone. Bah. Poof. Heeyah!

What Makes a Man

Once again today, I was reminded of my definite lack of manliness.

I had to go to the doctor to finally get rid of this 5 week cold. Being my first time at the doctor, they wanted to take a blood test, and check me out for any problems.

Once I found out it was free, I agreed. Why not? Can't hurt.

Then, it happened. They came to draw the blood.

The nurse was a little Armenian girl. Thick accent, she kept calling me Ontony. She flips my arm, and is excited at my already protruding vein. She pulls out two, yes TWO, vials for which to fill with my precious life juice. I turn away.

She stabs me.

I begin to sweat and tap my foot. I tell myself over and over, I will not faint, I will not faint. The repetition makes me dizzy, and I try to shake off the oncoming darkness.

At which point the girl nurse laughs! Laughs!

I look at her, and she says with a non concealed smile, are you going to be ok? You don't like da blood?

You're a nurse! If I'm not going to be ok, shouldn't you be dabbing my forehead, or at least being sweet to me! Not judging my lack of testosterone against the cromagnons that you date.

Let's be real, though. She responded as most women do when they come face to face with my general lack of man.

The other day, two young, single, strong women were complaining that they wanted to set up their electronics without the help of a man, and after several attempts were unable to. They needed a guy. They turned to me with a slight sneer, as if my very presence mocked their need of man service. How could I tell them that I have never been able to set up my own electronics.

I get my friends to do it for me. All of whom mock me when they have to do it for me.

Dude, you don't know what an RCA cable is? hahahaha

In acting class the other day, a girl was asked who she wanted to bring to a desert island. She said her boyfriend because he makes and fixes things.

Not because she loves him! Because he MAKES AND FIXES THINGS!

I have never to this date fix anything.

The other day I declared my vacuum dead, and said the belt had broken. I complained that my warranty was expired and how much this would now cost me.

My gay roommate took the vacuum apart and fixed it. Then told me my diagnosis was wrong. There was nothing wrong with the belt.

My father still cracks up everytime I try to tell him about car troubles.

As for making things, well, I can make pictures. I can make films. I can't run the camera or edit on a computer, but I can dream up the story.

My wife used to own all the tools and saws. When our coffee table broke, it was she who cut a new leg for the table. She also stained it.

I put my feet up.

Men are also good for strength. Strength of muscle and resolve.

I don't have those.

The people at work always love watching me open the new bottles of wine, because the high tech now calls for twist caps on nice bottles, and just like a pickle jar, I can't get them.

I have actually given the bottle to customers and had them give me the " you loosened it" line.

Strength of resolve?

Well, cynicism and resolve don't actually get along.

What do I offer?

Jokes.

I know that to a woman a sense of humor is key, but that kind of means you have the other things at the base level.

If all you have is the sense of humor, try joking your way around a flat tire.

Also, I'm pretty good in bed.

And I love you. Too much maybe.

So, depressed, horny, lonely girls who can do everything else... apply within!

The Mojo Wave

Sometimes everything goes your way, sometimes not.

I find this to happen with acting.

Sometimes your hot. 10-10-9.

Then, you can't seem to do anything right.

I think I am in a down turn in my mojo wave.

SS, my acting teacher said something similar last night.

He commented on the fact that over the past few weeks he hasn't found my work on camera to be magical like he normally thinks of me.

That might sound harsh, but that is one of the reasons why I decided to stay in his class when I first took it. He tells you it straight. Sometimes it hurts, but he is just being honest.

Also, and he said this last night, he isn't telling you these things to hurt you, but to try and help you get back to what you had, or to get it right.

He did give me a number for a commercial agent. We'll see if that works. He seemed a little tense about it. Kept telling me to be strong, direct, confident, and funny. Think of yourself as a stand up, he said.

Don't give a shit about the rules, just be funny.

It lends itself to my fuck it theory.

Also, back to the wave topic, the wave comes and goes, just like the tide. All it will take for my mojo to be back is an uptick of some sort.

Hell, it could be this commercial guy, it could be in Friday's show, it could be awhile. Who knows.

It will come back, and I ain't no slouch in the mean time, but that is the story.

What I Have Been Mulling

The past couple of weeks I have been in process mode.

Ever since I saw X at her art show, and had quite an emotional response, I have been questioning whether I am doing the right thing with this divorce or not.

I have always hated my divorce. Never did I want to be a guy who got divorced. Always prided myself on choosing women who were more than just pretty. Women who I felt could offer love and intelligence and patience; things that would be required in a long term relationship.

Even as we split, I joked that my problem in the relationship was that I had found the perfect woman, just she wasn't all that in to me.

That was true.

She put her art before me. Hell, she put the cat before me.

At the time of the split, she had lost her sexual attraction to me. Now, I know that over long years together it is normal for the heat to dim down a bit, but the fire shouldn't go out entirely. I hadn't realized how tough it was on me until the night after my show, when a woman showed interest in me, and my body leaped with electricity.

Now, you might ask, with all that, why would I consider going back.

Well, time changes things.

The split has altered her perception of me as an attractive guy. She occasionally hits on me. True, mostly when she is drunk, but still, I have redeemed my sex factor with her.

The art coming first part may have been cured by her achieving what she wanted in the field. I say may have been cured.

Still, I don't know. Truthfully, I think if we did try to fix it, it would be magical for a few weeks, maybe a few months, and then all the same shit would return.

So, I have decided that it wouldn't work. I now need to pull away a bit more. Heal thyself.

It will always be a shame. So many good memories, so many good stories, so many milestones seen with each other.

I think also, part of my reaching for that is that I am scared of the future.

I just don't meet anyone who even remotely makes me think of a possibility.

The ones I do meet that make me think that have rings on their fingers or boyfriends who they love.

R asked me last night what it is like doing the show with TO.

It is tough. She and I would be great together.

She still likes me, I know. She clutches at me when she is nervous or excited. She leans in to me and whispers ideas, or asks for them. We are very close.

She knows how I feel. She sometimes pulls away so as not to encourage me, but mostly she treats my feelings like a pass to her special club.

Still though, she dotes on her boyfriend. I just try to ignore it. Not pretend it isn't happening and think I have a chance, just not abuse myself with it, and try not to fantasize about what isn't there.

Yesterday, at a friends baby shower, she came to me when I was alone and said, Have you met my friend Meryl? Well, I knew what that meant.

When I did find Meryl, she was sweet. Not really my type. Still, I just froze. I couldn't even talk to her. Partly because I knew she wasn't what I am looking for, but also because I am still scared to get close to anyone.

At a party last night at the theater, I talked with some big people in the improv program and all of them gave me a ton of respect. I like that.

I look forward to moving up and working with them. They will challenge me, and I will grow. They will also make life very fun.

Heard a line in a song that in essence said that being in relationships is all making mistakes and trying to defend yourself, and being single is the best time of your life, you are just too miserable to realize it.

Bitter makes great music.

Well, Hello

It finally happened.

BGR brought a boy home.

I came home from my show last night, and there they were. Sitting on the couch, enjoying some music.

They asked me to join them. So I took off my shirt and wiggled my ass.

Come on, you know that's where your mind was going. You wanted it.

Seriously, I sat down and had a beer and chatted.

Then, this morning, as I was eating my breakfast, they came out of his room. Ooohh!

I'm happy as hell for him. He looks giddy.

He has been seeing this guy for a couple of weeks now. Six or seven dates. I asked him last night when I was going to meet him. Who knew it would be so soon.

His name is Thor. Seriously. His given name is fricking Thor.

He certainly doesn't look like a Thor.

He is tall and lanky. Quiet. Soft spoken. Seems funny, and smart, but maybe that was the wire rimmed glasses. Which I tried on. Yikes.

BM asked me this morning if this is weird. It isn't actually.

Just three guys sitting around having breakfast.

Two of them touching.

This is just what BM needs. The guy isn't flaming. He seems like a regular guy. He's not a pretty boy. Perfect for BM.

The odd thing is, he used to be roommates with a guy we went to college with. So, he already knows some of the group. They discovered this when BM had a music question and Thor called our friend DM. DM knows all about music, and when the call was over they figured out that DM was the same guy they were both thinking of. Strange, huh?

When small worlds collide.

So, I hope this goes well for him. He deserves it.

Yay, gay!

What Is Happening?!?!?!

If you ever tell anyone about this post, you are dead!

I have sunk to a new low! I don't know what is wrong with me!

I didn't feel well this morning, so I ate breakfast in front of the TV. Turned on HBO.

Thought I might watch a movie. Found one I hadn't seen. Thought what the hell.

Watched it. Got hooked. Then it happened.

I cried to Fever Pitch!

I CRIED TO FEVER PITCH!!!!

Drew Barrymore and that Jimmy guy from SNL!!

I CRIED!!!

She ran onto the field, and I stood up from the couch!

What the hell am I going through?!?!?

Make it stop! Good God, make it stop!!

Again, if you ever tell anyone, ANYONE, that I cried to Fever Pitch, you will not live.

I'm afraid I can't live.

I'm becoming a woman!

That's it! The gay roommate goes!

Life and Dreams

So, the strangest thing happened in my acting class today.

Not the one where I am a student, the class where I am a TA.

SS had to leave early, so I was packing up the room. As everyone filed out, they were saying goodbye to me. Some byes were lengthy, some not. One girl, SZ, poked me in the arm as she said goodbye. I found that odd.

She is one of the best in class. I have worked with her on some of her stuff, but I have never needed to do much. We are usually polite to each other.

Last week, as I was leaving, she was heading to her car and we walked a bit together. Not much, and really only spoke small talk.

So, she pokes me. I talk with another person and then that person leaves, and I hear them get into the small hall, and gasp. Then, I hear SZ voice sound surprised. She says she has just come back to say goodbye to me.

I turn to the door.

There she is. I say hi, and continue to wrap up the camera. She walks over to me. I tell her she had a good class, and she responds cocky with a Yeah, I know.

Then, she hugged me.

It was so odd that I had the dream of a girl from class hugging me and then she comes in and hugs me.

Well, this one sadly can't go like the dream. I can't date students. Even if I could, I don't really think she is one I would anyway.

She stood a bit after hugging me. I, trying to come up with something to say, asked if she had an agent.

She said yeah, and I said I was sure she had them all. She said she was missing one.

Which I said.

A boyfriend, she said.

Ok.

Kind of obvious.

I asked when the hirings were taking place.

She said next Tuesday.

She told me to bring my resume, and then left.

Too easy. Also, too dangerous.

If you want something, don't ask for nothing. If you want nothing, don't ask for something.

Looking for Easy

This is a quality I would like to find in a girl. That she is easy.

No, not an easy lay.

I mean that what happens is effortless.

Tonight there was a girl at the bar who I made eye contact with. The bar was packed due to the UCLA game, and it was tough to get over by her. Later, I noticed her standing waiting for the bathroom, and I tried to make conversation. Weak. It is tough to hit on a girl as she is standing in line to piss.

Still, the rest of the night, she would look at me, and I her. We were playing eyes. Never got a chance to talk to her again, and she left at the end of the game.

It just wasn't easy.

My first date with X was one of the easiest I had ever had. The conversation just seemed to flow. My nerves never entered into it at all. Even when I asked her out and she said no, I didn't take it hard. I just stopped and figured out when I could make it happen, and it did. Easy.

I'm looking for easy.

I had a dream.

A girl in my acting class approached me. She doesn't actually exist, the girl, but in my dream she did, and was in my acting class.

She approached me, and hugged me, saying it was good to see me. I guess, or somehow knew during the dream, that we hadn't seen each other in a while. I said it was good to see her, and we looked deep at each other.

I knew she liked me, and knew she knew I liked her.

Just as I was thinking I can't date students at the studio, she said she was no longer a student, and smiled. I smiled back, and we both knew it would begin.

Then, we kissed.

That was the entire dream. Easy.

Wouldn't it be nice?

The Time Change

Daylight savings today.

I didn't know. Woke up at 10am to get a leisurely start to the day, and be somewhere by 11:30.

Suddenly, I realize from the different set clocks (some automatically switch) that I in fact have 5 minutes to be where I should be. Standing in my pjs with one sip of coffee in me, and too much to do to make it.

I was late, but got there fine. It was a murder show, and it was probably one of the worst we have ever done. Oh, well.

I have been flooding myself (unintentionally) with memories of X and I. I think the other day put some finality on to things, and it isn't sitting well with me.

I found myself telling great stories of us at work last night. I'm sure I looked pathetic. There was so much history there. It is impossible to separate me from that relationship. Especially when telling stories.

I remember a bit ago, I couldn't think of memories. Now they are flooding back.

Just some random snippets of them for you now.

Renting bikes and riding around the river.
Waking me early because she was too excited to wait for me to wake up on my own.
Bug spraying the house, and hanging out in the kitchen with the cats for three hours.
Yelling at each other in Prague.
Shopping drunk at Urban Outfitters, and laughing the whole time.



You know what. I'm stopping myself. Maybe it's true, but I don't want to go down this path.

Goodnight.

I'm Alive

Ok, maybe my last post was not the sort of post to leave up and then disappear for three days.

Oops.

Well, I'm ok.

I was pretty drained all day Wednesday. Emotionally, as well as physically.

Got home from work that night and I had a call from my acting teacher and X.

My teacher said he felt bad for me, and would use some of his commercial contacts to still help me get an agent. Commercial, not theatrical (which I really want), but I will surely take what I can get. That made me feel good. I was slightly worried that I might be in his bad graces.

X apologized for the way she navigated the evening. She said she was worried that she indulged in her own feelings at the expense of others, and said she hasn't done this before and doesn't know what is "right".

I wrote to her saying I understood. I thanked her for the apology and the consideration, and told her that I went out there to support her, and I knew he would be there. It was her day, and we don't get "days" too often, so I told her she was right to indulge a bit. Not to worry. It was nice to have her say that though.

Thursday, I set out to create my next improv character. Had a lot of fun doing that. Spent a lot of money, but it's all a write off, and it made me have some creative fun. Once again, this show has taken away my pain and given me salvation.

We did the first show last night. It went well. We had a full house, which I thought would happen.

It started out a bit rocky. Some of the new people are really shaky. This cast doesn't have the extreme connectivity and chemistry that the last one did. That last group was surely a magical pairing.

That said, we pulled it together near the end of the show. The director started to pair vets with newbies, and the scenes came alive.

My character was well received. One girl from the last cast said she thought this was my best character to date. I was surprised by that.

Also, the owner of the theatre loved it. He can be fickle about his feelings toward your characters and how that then relates to his feelings about you as a person. Plainly speaking, if he likes your character, he likes you. If he doesn't, he doesn't.

He loved my last character, and has treated me like one of his best friends. I wondered how my next could hold up to the last, but I guess he passed the test. That felt good.

Now, I am trying to finish up my divorce papers. I have all but the community assets listed. That is just a time consumer, and a bore. Think I will put it off until Tues.

So, I'm back. Emotions healed.

You know, that which does not kill us...