Well at least now I know I can play the role

At my acting studio, there is a type of character called the Lovable Loser. I have had trouble playing that role. SS says I'm not vulnerable enough.

Some of the characteristics are desperate, needy, self deprecating, hopeful, optimistic, and determined.

The first half of characteristics make him the loser, the second half make him lovable.

I taught a class this morning for teens in which we went over the characteristics. Suddenly, I realized that, in fact, not only can I play him, but I AM him.

My whole thing with TO is lovable loser. I am desperate. I am needy. I am also hopeful, and optimistic, and determined.

As to the self deprecating, well, need I say more in this forum to prove it?

I think I have been relegated to the friend category. Why? Because in a response to my self deprecating tendency she wrote this to me:

btw, i hear you making comments on a regular basis like you are past
your prime or something and it kind of bothers me. I really believe the
only thing between you and total catch is your attitude about yourself
- hello! I dont really know what you used to look like, but (get your
ego pump ready) you have great hair, skin, body, looks, and you're
funny, laid back, smart, going places, etc etc. you're a total
package, and the women should reasonably be after you, until you say
things like "i used to be" and then they stop and go - wait, what
am i missing? Ease up on the put-downs, sexy. I think you're a great
catch. And you laugh alot which is cool. So there. I'm not gonna take
it anymore. Don't make me get out my bat. and don't be saying that
you're just joking. You've got way better jokes than that.

At first, I was thrilled to receive that from her. I love how she describes me.

Then, I realized, that if she felt about me the way I feel about her, she couldn't say those things to me so easy. It would be scary. Maybe she was scared, but it doesn't sound that way. There doesn't seem to be a vulnerable reveal in that speech.

That is a pump up your girlfriend speech.

So, there. Some could make a case against, but I'm pretty sure.

Too bad too. I really think I am in love with her. Why?

Here's why:

When she looks at me, I feel 100ft tall, and unafraid. She gives me power and strength just looking at me.

I wake up each day and want to talk to her. I want to know what she is doing and what she is thinking.

She makes me laugh. She is fun.

When I see fear or hurt in her eyes, I want to hold her and make it better.

When I touch her, my body leaps.

I spanked her ass last night (at her prompting) and let my hand linger. She commented on it, but I couldn't talk to her because I found I was hard just from that quick touch.

I brought up the whole boyfriend in Paris thing. She is going for two weeks and she is very excited. It sucks.

I asked how long he is going to be there. No answer. Then I asked what he is doing there. She said filming some stuff and applying for grad school. Hopefully, he gets in. Hopefully, it is over there. Hopefully, it is a three year program.

Hopeful. Desperate. Needy. Self deprecating.

Optimistic!