Can't Sleep

I have been lying in bed awake for a half hour.

I have only gotten four hours of sleep.

Why can't I sleep, you ask? (because you are forced to ask due to me controlling the keyboard of your thoughts)

Why?

Let me tell you.

Thursday night:

I arrive at rehearsal and we begin an exercise called status shift. Some of us play low status, some high.

The ways in which we do this are dictated. Some people maintain eye contact while others can't look you in the eye. Some people touch their face while others touch other people's personal space.

During the exercise, I tried to avoid TO. I was playing it cool. Didn't want to come off as creepy, needy guy.

Well, she came straight to me. She was a touch other people person, and she came up and started feeling my muscles. Not that I have any, but she put her hands where they would theoretically be.

Then, when we played the eye contact part, she came up to me when I was supposed to be the low status, can't look at you guy.

She told me I didn't know how to play low status. I told her I wasn't looking her in the eye. She said yes, but I stood outside the group and made people come to me, which is super high status.

I smiled. My playing it cool with her actually worked!

When we sat down in the seats, she couldn't stop whispering jokes to me, and playing with my shirt, and I couldn't stop reacting to everything she did, and listening to every sound she made.

She challenged me to try and play low status to her (a challenge I found super hot, if only I could play it the way I would like).

When I got up to do a scene with a guy who was playing my dad, I was low status. The scene was a birds and bees talk, and I played that I didn't want to ever have sex. My 'dad' wanted me to have sex. He was going to call a girl to come over and have sex with me. Well, guess who got up to play that role? I really couldn't continue to be funny. She was sitting next to me, cuddling with me, and I just wanted to jump her.

After rehearsal, she had to go do her show. I was going to watch. She wanted to get something to eat, but there wasn't much time, so I told her if she could hold out, I would eat with her after the show at the bar next door. She agreed to that.

Then, she asked if I had her brella. She had left her umbrella at my house the week before, and I saw it and emailed her that I had it. I called it a brella to try to be "cute". When she repeated the term brella, I knew it had worked. She said it a couple of times. Brella, brella.

I felt in.

She did her show, and it was funny. Afterwards, she complimented another performer by telling them what they did was so funny, she saw me jump out of my seat laughing. I thought, so, you are watching me even when you should be on stage?

We went next door to eat, but the kitchen was closed. She turned to me and said, would you like to go somewhere else.

BOY, WOULD I!!!

Everyone from her show, and my troupe, were gathering in the bar, and asking us to drink with them, that it kind of ruined the let's us go somewhere else thing. Still, she was starving. I too was hungry, but I was losing my appetite just by wanting to be with her. Giddy stomach, I call it. Can't eat, don't care.

We decided to go to a nearby store and get some sushi.

On my date a few months back, when I ordered rare tuna, the girl I was with said she couldn't eat raw fish, and I remember thinking that would mean we would never go get sushi together, and I remember feeling sad about that.

Well, this one practically only eats sushi!

We went to the parking garage, and she said, do you want to drive?

Yes, I said. Oh my god, I thought.

There she was... in my car. Sitting right there. On my seat!

We drove to the store. We made silly small talk. We chose our sushi, totally planning to share with each other.

We drove back.

It felt so routine, but so sweet. Like when you are dating someone, and you finally get to that point where you stay home that night, rather than go out. It is so common and routine, but super sexy because you are doing it with that person for the first time.

On the way back, we hit a quiet patch, and I wanted to fill the space. Then, I let it be quiet, just in case she came up with something interesting to talk about. After a bit, I asked how she liked our show. She likes it.

When we spread out to eat, everyone at the table was staring at us. Partly because we had this unusual, self made buffet in front of them, but also because we worked as a team. I grabbed drinks, she put out food. I filled wasabi with soy, she scooped out seaweed salad onto our plates.

We ate. I listened to a couple of the guys who always crack me up. She did too, but I noticed her refill my plate a couple of times. I wanted to grab her and squeeze her when she did.

She drank her water quick, and then just grabbed mine and drank out of it. She went to return it, but I told her she could have it.

I'm that pathetic. I swooned when she drank my goddamn water!

We both decided to leave at the same time. She asked if I would walk her to her car. It was parked right next to mine, so I found that odd, but still.

On the way up, she told me that it was exhausting listening to the two guys because they are always "on", and you never knew who they really were.

I agreed, but felt like I should say something serious then.

All day Friday, I thought of her. I wanted to text message her, but knew that would be dangerous. Could I control what I would say?

My thoughts turned to reality.

What am I doing to myself? She has a boyfriend. Sure he is in Paris right now, but geez. I told myself I needed to go back to playing it cool. Play it cool.

When she arrived at my house to watch the tape, others arrive with her. I talked to them. When she unraveled her sandwich, I ignored it. When someone else asked what she got, I was relieved. I could talk to her, but only because someone else made her a topic.

I offered her some water, but she said she wanted soda. I just happened to have Coke. I poured her a glass, with ice. I inwardly smiled when she got up herself to refill it. Something about her just casually walking to my kitchen and nonchalantly opening my fridge. Golly.

Before the show, I was feeling odd. I told her I wasn't feeling up to the show that night. She seemed surprised. I went outside to get my energy up. When I came back in, everyone was talking about sex. I left the room, saying it had been too long, and I couldn't hear this conversation. I went back out and pumped up a bit more. When I came back, she instantly returned the conversation to sex to get me riled again. I played it off.

Just before we were to go on, she came in real close to me, grabbing my shirt and leaning in to whisper. It freaked me out a bit, because it seemed like she was going to kiss me. She said, if we have a scene together, I'm going to fuck you up.

My mind tried desperately to eliminate the up from that sentence.

Still, I loved that she felt that need. A bit primal, no?

During the show (which was going great), we were sitting next to each other on the side. At one point, our hands met as we set them down on the seat between us. It was just our pinkys touching, but it was electric to me. I totally tuned out the show, and just felt with all I had through my pinky. I didn't move it closer or anything, but I could feel her awareness. She kept hers there a bit too, and then she moved it.

It seemed electric and also awkward. I felt it was maybe too much.

After the show, she was gone. I thought she might come drink next door with all of us, but she left so fast, most people didn't realize she was gone.

I kept checking my phone, like she would call me or something. Nope.

It was all right. I reminded myself, I need to play cool. I talked with my friends. I just wanted to tell them about her, but I couldn't. Play cool. Play cool.

I worried that the pinky touch freaked her out.

Play cool.

I checked my phone.

Play cool.

I resigned myself to letting it go, and I would see her next week.

Then, as I was leaving, BB asked me to hang around. He said he needed to talk to me. We waited til others were gone, and then I sat down with him.

Now, BB is one of the guys who is always "on". He is a super funny guy, and also a really caring guy. I love him. I look up to him. I was interested in what he needed to tell me. He seemed serious, which is odd for him.

He sat me down, and leaned in, and asked what was up with TO and I.

I was taken aback. I didn't expect it. I asked him what he meant.

He asked if there was anything between us. I hemmed and shook my head no, but I looked him in the eye like, go on.

He said he thought she was crazy about me. He thought I liked her too, but he said he knew she was crazy about me. He said he could see it in the way we hung out the night before.

I admitted to how I felt and said that there was nothing there because I was trying to play it cool and also because she has a boyfriend.

He said he knew, but said that a couple of weeks ago she told him her boyfriend was moving to Paris.

Moving there.

He said he thought she was playing the good girlfriend, but was already test driving me for when she could "legally" be with me.

My mind was swimming. Really, was all I could say.

He said he thought we were a good match, and I would do swell with a girl like her. He reassured me that she was crazy about me. I smiled. I said I hoped he was right.

I left. The bartender had started to talk to BB, and I didn't think my head could take anymore.

I drove home unaware of the road. I sat up for another hour and a half. Not drinking, just sitting.

I can't sleep.

That is why I can't sleep.

Could you?