What I Have Been Mulling

The past couple of weeks I have been in process mode.

Ever since I saw X at her art show, and had quite an emotional response, I have been questioning whether I am doing the right thing with this divorce or not.

I have always hated my divorce. Never did I want to be a guy who got divorced. Always prided myself on choosing women who were more than just pretty. Women who I felt could offer love and intelligence and patience; things that would be required in a long term relationship.

Even as we split, I joked that my problem in the relationship was that I had found the perfect woman, just she wasn't all that in to me.

That was true.

She put her art before me. Hell, she put the cat before me.

At the time of the split, she had lost her sexual attraction to me. Now, I know that over long years together it is normal for the heat to dim down a bit, but the fire shouldn't go out entirely. I hadn't realized how tough it was on me until the night after my show, when a woman showed interest in me, and my body leaped with electricity.

Now, you might ask, with all that, why would I consider going back.

Well, time changes things.

The split has altered her perception of me as an attractive guy. She occasionally hits on me. True, mostly when she is drunk, but still, I have redeemed my sex factor with her.

The art coming first part may have been cured by her achieving what she wanted in the field. I say may have been cured.

Still, I don't know. Truthfully, I think if we did try to fix it, it would be magical for a few weeks, maybe a few months, and then all the same shit would return.

So, I have decided that it wouldn't work. I now need to pull away a bit more. Heal thyself.

It will always be a shame. So many good memories, so many good stories, so many milestones seen with each other.

I think also, part of my reaching for that is that I am scared of the future.

I just don't meet anyone who even remotely makes me think of a possibility.

The ones I do meet that make me think that have rings on their fingers or boyfriends who they love.

R asked me last night what it is like doing the show with TO.

It is tough. She and I would be great together.

She still likes me, I know. She clutches at me when she is nervous or excited. She leans in to me and whispers ideas, or asks for them. We are very close.

She knows how I feel. She sometimes pulls away so as not to encourage me, but mostly she treats my feelings like a pass to her special club.

Still though, she dotes on her boyfriend. I just try to ignore it. Not pretend it isn't happening and think I have a chance, just not abuse myself with it, and try not to fantasize about what isn't there.

Yesterday, at a friends baby shower, she came to me when I was alone and said, Have you met my friend Meryl? Well, I knew what that meant.

When I did find Meryl, she was sweet. Not really my type. Still, I just froze. I couldn't even talk to her. Partly because I knew she wasn't what I am looking for, but also because I am still scared to get close to anyone.

At a party last night at the theater, I talked with some big people in the improv program and all of them gave me a ton of respect. I like that.

I look forward to moving up and working with them. They will challenge me, and I will grow. They will also make life very fun.

Heard a line in a song that in essence said that being in relationships is all making mistakes and trying to defend yourself, and being single is the best time of your life, you are just too miserable to realize it.

Bitter makes great music.