What Makes a Man

Once again today, I was reminded of my definite lack of manliness.

I had to go to the doctor to finally get rid of this 5 week cold. Being my first time at the doctor, they wanted to take a blood test, and check me out for any problems.

Once I found out it was free, I agreed. Why not? Can't hurt.

Then, it happened. They came to draw the blood.

The nurse was a little Armenian girl. Thick accent, she kept calling me Ontony. She flips my arm, and is excited at my already protruding vein. She pulls out two, yes TWO, vials for which to fill with my precious life juice. I turn away.

She stabs me.

I begin to sweat and tap my foot. I tell myself over and over, I will not faint, I will not faint. The repetition makes me dizzy, and I try to shake off the oncoming darkness.

At which point the girl nurse laughs! Laughs!

I look at her, and she says with a non concealed smile, are you going to be ok? You don't like da blood?

You're a nurse! If I'm not going to be ok, shouldn't you be dabbing my forehead, or at least being sweet to me! Not judging my lack of testosterone against the cromagnons that you date.

Let's be real, though. She responded as most women do when they come face to face with my general lack of man.

The other day, two young, single, strong women were complaining that they wanted to set up their electronics without the help of a man, and after several attempts were unable to. They needed a guy. They turned to me with a slight sneer, as if my very presence mocked their need of man service. How could I tell them that I have never been able to set up my own electronics.

I get my friends to do it for me. All of whom mock me when they have to do it for me.

Dude, you don't know what an RCA cable is? hahahaha

In acting class the other day, a girl was asked who she wanted to bring to a desert island. She said her boyfriend because he makes and fixes things.

Not because she loves him! Because he MAKES AND FIXES THINGS!

I have never to this date fix anything.

The other day I declared my vacuum dead, and said the belt had broken. I complained that my warranty was expired and how much this would now cost me.

My gay roommate took the vacuum apart and fixed it. Then told me my diagnosis was wrong. There was nothing wrong with the belt.

My father still cracks up everytime I try to tell him about car troubles.

As for making things, well, I can make pictures. I can make films. I can't run the camera or edit on a computer, but I can dream up the story.

My wife used to own all the tools and saws. When our coffee table broke, it was she who cut a new leg for the table. She also stained it.

I put my feet up.

Men are also good for strength. Strength of muscle and resolve.

I don't have those.

The people at work always love watching me open the new bottles of wine, because the high tech now calls for twist caps on nice bottles, and just like a pickle jar, I can't get them.

I have actually given the bottle to customers and had them give me the " you loosened it" line.

Strength of resolve?

Well, cynicism and resolve don't actually get along.

What do I offer?

Jokes.

I know that to a woman a sense of humor is key, but that kind of means you have the other things at the base level.

If all you have is the sense of humor, try joking your way around a flat tire.

Also, I'm pretty good in bed.

And I love you. Too much maybe.

So, depressed, horny, lonely girls who can do everything else... apply within!