Foundation or Delusion

So, this week I have been getting the silent treatment from CM.

Ok. Whatever. The thing about that power play is it only works if the other person is desperate to see or talk to you.

So, it ain't workin.

Wednesday, being VD, I was busy all day, but I got an email half way through the day.

A band I saw back in Nov was playing that night. At one of my favorite bars. Hmmm?

When I caught them in Nov, they were opening for another band who I actually had come to see. This opening band was great, very soulful, but the best point was the incredibly beautiful lead singer. I tried to buy her a drink, but many more were before me, so I settled on just talking to her. It was brief, but long enough to get my name on the mailing list.

To which brought me the email.

Driving home from rehearsal on Wednesday, I passed by the bar, and remembered the email. I knew they weren't going on for awhile, and I was already tired, but I pulled in. Got a drink and found a nice spot to sit where I was still lit enough that somebody, say onstage, could see me.

She passed through the room and I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She has the demeanor of a rare flower that has only known shade. However her effect on the room as she demurely passes through it is like a brush fire spreading in the wind.

Onstage, she refuses to look at the audience, except when she makes a mistake, at which point she holds the audience's gaze with a mix of defiance and self mocking enthusiasm. Her voice is powerful. POWERFUL.

She sings of tragedy, as any good country based singer should.

After the set, I sized up the situation. From the looks of her friends, I guess she is mid twenties in age. Maybe too young.

Many an alternative, bearded hunk buzzed around her, and she did become flirty, but nobody seems to hold that special spot. At least, not that night.

I made my move.

Introduced myself. Told her when I saw her last, and how I got onto her mailing list. She was excited to see someone she didn't know come for her. I began to tell her how soulful she is, when a girl next to me, I don't know if she is a friend or not, began to interrupt.

She talked about how this singer is like an angel descended from the sky that you feel a close affection for, but that you can't grab hold of.

The singer, MR, just smiled with bemusement. Then she looked at me and said, I'm an angel.

At which point, I became hysterical. I got all worked up, and said, She took my line! I was going to use the angel descended, cant grab hold of bit! I wrote it out over there at the table, and she must have peeked. That's the last time I sit by you, missy!

The singer laughed. She felt awkward, I could tell, but I wasn't sure if it was from my force of humor, or the strange girl I was fake yelling at. I thanked her for a great performance again, and said I saw she was playing on Sunday, and that I would try to make it then too.

Now, I ask myself. Should I go for it? I made enough of an impression that if I go to the venue on Sunday and talk to her again, I will probably be remembered. That is the foundation.

But, is this tragic, young singer with all her super power suitors really something I think I can get? You know, as I write this, my thought is... one way to find out.

Looks like I'm going to be hearing some country tragedy on Sunday.

Bittersweet

Yesterday, I had a fine day.

I had a long drive with a friend. We talked about so many topics. Laughed. Told some serious stuff. Got advice.

Had a great dinner. Wine, and split shrimp and filet mignon, then coffee and cheesecake.

The thing is, the friend was NB. My ex wife.

We had to go to San Diego to do our taxes, and since we are still technically married, we went together to see if it would be better to file joint. It wasn't.

Talking and hanging with her is nice. She is fun. I think that is something she found again after her and I split. Her stories of hanging with her new friends were hysterical. We got to the small town outside of SD, and we were early, so we ran around town poking our heads into small shops and making jokes and laughing our asses off.

After the tax session, we were starving and there was a lodge-looking restaurant that made us laugh when we looked at it, so we decided to eat there. The prices were more than the place looks like it will be, but we thought, "what the hell".

There were moments yesterday that really made me remember what first attracted me to her. Spontaneous moments of curiosity mixed with embracing the absurd. That is something I always look for in my life, and she was always a perfect partner for that.

Then, there is a gentle nature to her heart, and a ferocious desire for knowledge. Those were also qualities I aspired to.

The whole time, I kept thinking, Damn, I wish this would have worked out. I wish this was what I had wanted. So much is, and then, so much isn't.

I told her that. She said someday someone would come along with all of it. I don't know if I believe that anymore.

I just find my self rather nostalgic today, but not delusional. I know it is done. I know it really will never be what I really want. But I do miss what it was, and I wish to somehow capture that again.

After I got home, CM (the new girl) called. She had been out with friends and they were across town and she wanted me to come out and join her and them. I had been in a car for six hours. It was late in the evening, and I was tired and whistful. Also, I thought it would be REALLY unfair to meet her with a fresh sort of remorse for my divorce hanging over my mood. I told her no, I wasn't coming out. She tried to persuade me. I said no. She tried to guilt me. I said no. She put a mutual friend on the phone and he tried to berate me. I said no. Then I was pissed.

When she got back on, I tried to remain nice and witty, but I was firm and short. I said no.

I wish I could contact NB and say... something. What? I don't know. To what end? I don't know.

I guess what I really want to address is this thing inside of me that is missing.

Release

I ain't getting no love here.

I recently had a return bout of TO.

I hadn't ever really gotten her off my mind, and with the new girl fizzing slightly, I had been thinking more and more about her.

Saw her show Friday night, and was thunderstruck. She's great. She's sexy. She's funny. Damn.

Then, the next night, she came to see my show. In the bar after wards, she was super complimetary, and demanding to know more about the rumors that I was dating someone.

She seemed possesive, and yet, also vulnerable. She was drunk, but not sloppy. Just enough to speak the heart.

Or so I thought.

I weighed my thoughts on Sunday, put out feelers to friends who chastised me, and decided to give it a go.

I asked God to either release me from it all, or make it happen. I thought make it happen was the choice.

Called her on Monday, and asked her out. She said NO.

NO!

Doesn't think people at the same theatre should date. Admitted it was a lame excuse.

What could I do? I said it WAS lame, and hung up.

So much for the make it happen option.

So much for release.

Now, she fills my thoughts again, and tortures me in my dreams.

Now, the diminish on the other girl seems magnified.

I did ask the other girl out for another date. Try to just be in the now and not lead on, but still have some fun.

We'll see. I feel like a lying dirtbag.

I just need some release. I don't know how it will come, but please, oh please, come soon.

Less Is More, More Is Less

So, mid month post.

Still dating the girl. We only get to see each other once a week, and we have to skip this week because her family is in town.

Things are going great with her. She is fun, and intelligent, and she compliments me all the time, which I've come to find is odd, and not familiar. I like it. I'm not able to handle it, but I like it.

The thing is, I think she is falling for me hard. I don't know if I am falling for her though. I enjoy our time together, and I look forward to seeing her (the beast that I am), but I also don't think she revs me up like I would like someone to do. She makes me feel good about myself, so I continue, and nothing about her is distasteful or a deal breaker; I just don't see a long term here, and I don't want to mislead her if she is seeing that.

However, I do concede I might be sabotaging because I am gun shy. So, whenever I'm with her, all I try to do is enjoy the moment and nothing more. It works. I can see her getting moony eyed, and I just smile and let it be. Then, alone, I worry that I'm going to settle for something so as to avoid hurting this great person, or lead her on and then drop the bomb.

We'll see.

Writing, another resolution, has been difficult. I'm certainly not writing here much. Twice a month, and that is a tough job to maintain.

My sketch writing has been weak as of late. I had a conversation with the director ( a good friend) as to what he thought of my stuff, and he says a lot of it is funny, just flawed.

We figured out a sort of format for me to go forward, so let's see if that works.

I opted not to go on the anti depressants. Some people argued for it, some against it. In the end, I realized that lately I had risen out of my depression, and I wanted to give that a clean chance, and to try and figure out what took me out, as well as what kept me in it. If it returns before I figure that out, or if I figure it out, but it doesn't work, I'll probably go on them.

Right now, as in all things, I'm just trying to do what I'm doing, with slight goals, but not much thought about the future.