A Resolution

Resolutions for the next year.


I resolve to write more. I am going to try to post at least on the first and the fifteenth. That way, I have a date that tells me, Ok, start writing about yourself. No matter what.

KK tells me to write here more, but I don't want to. I feel I am always negative when I write here. I feel lately like I am always negative anyway, so it is just a true sampling of me. KK tells me that I should write even if I am negative. He says it will act as a purge.

He says he doesn't like the other blog. He says it is jokey and superficial. Reading that blog as opposed to this one is, to him, like watching MASH the TV show, or watching the movie.

I like both the movie and show, so I guess I don't mind that comparison.

I went to a movie tonight by myself. The Good Shepard.

Sitting there, between several couples, I wished I hadn't come alone.

I then thought, NO. Doing things by yourself will make you more independent, and, ultimately, attractive to others. Then I realized, though, that rather than becoming independent, I was just doing things to fill time until I had someone to really hang out with.

I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not.

I should really call the psychiatrist. I've had a name and number for over a month now, and just can't seem to call. I do think though that it will help.

Hell, I even broke down crying after the movie.

Got home, but I couldn't go inside. Instead, I went to the local pub. Sat next to a guy who was originally from Jordan. We got to talking and it turns out he just became a citizen here. I bought him a drink to congratulate and welcome him. We talked more, about nothing really, but still it was good to have some one to talk to. He told me a story about being at a nightclub where shots were fired. Not a thrilling story, but it did involve gun play. Then, he went out for a smoke and asked me to hold his seat. I did.

He never came back. I finished my drink, then went outside, but he wasn't there. So, I left.

I once heard someone say that you weren't really being yourself unless you lost one friend a year. I think it was a joke, but sometimes, I believe it. I feel like I am slowly losing friends.

What happens when they are all gone?

I sometimes think that I am teetering on the edge of alcoholism as it is, and something like that would just push me over.

Well, wasn't that pleasant.

Get ready. This is what you have to look forward to twice a month.

Dubious Milestone

So, 2006 is almost at a close. Only a few more days.

Today, it occured to me that I have not had sex in all of 2006.

I've run into some lean times in my past, but never like this. This would be the first time since I started having sex that I went a whole calendar year without. We're talking a span of twenty years people!

I'm not able to predict the future, but I can wager on it. I have no idea what the fates have planned for me, but I really doubt that sex is part of it. The only party I even plan on attending isn't until New Years. Plus, even if I did have sex that night, it would technically be 2007 then, so no dice on the save.

I told a friend tonight about this, and he said it was like a teen movie. Only 13 days left to the end of the year, and we gotta get him laid! I actually almost asked a girl at work if she would just shag me to make things right. I like her, and I think she likes me, but I doubt she would do it just to save 2006.

I better start reconciling myself to the fact that this year will be O free. Twenty good years, and this had to come along. Sheesh.

Guess what my new years resolution will be...

Letting this go

I just don't seem to write here anymore.

Partly, it is because I always seem to be so negative. I try to avoid that these days, because I feel it so often most times. I just never feel like kicking it in on purpose.

Last night, I watched Indecent Proposal on TV and the negative thoughts kicked in. I had to shut off the TV, and force myself to go to sleep so I would stop from spiraling.

Was a rough day yesterday. I took NB out to breakfast, and then got her to get her divorce papers finalized. This week I will take them into court and file them. That is the last step.

During the whole procedure, she cried. She mumbled if she is making any of the right choices in her life. She questioned whether or not she was having another nervous breakdown.

I tried to help. I tried to say the right things. I can't do anything more. I really feel alone too.

I am avoiding doing laundry. I really should. My next chance won't be until Saturday. Still, I don't want to, and probably won't.

The girl in the last post never called me back. She blew me off. Twice now.

I never heard again from TO. That one needs to die now.

I think I'm going to retreat a bit in the meeting girls game. I let some heart out, and it didn't go well. Retreat and regroup.

I'm dreading Christmas.

I'm dreading New Years.

One day at a time. That's fine, but then what is there to look forward to?