A Resolution

Resolutions for the next year.


I resolve to write more. I am going to try to post at least on the first and the fifteenth. That way, I have a date that tells me, Ok, start writing about yourself. No matter what.

KK tells me to write here more, but I don't want to. I feel I am always negative when I write here. I feel lately like I am always negative anyway, so it is just a true sampling of me. KK tells me that I should write even if I am negative. He says it will act as a purge.

He says he doesn't like the other blog. He says it is jokey and superficial. Reading that blog as opposed to this one is, to him, like watching MASH the TV show, or watching the movie.

I like both the movie and show, so I guess I don't mind that comparison.

I went to a movie tonight by myself. The Good Shepard.

Sitting there, between several couples, I wished I hadn't come alone.

I then thought, NO. Doing things by yourself will make you more independent, and, ultimately, attractive to others. Then I realized, though, that rather than becoming independent, I was just doing things to fill time until I had someone to really hang out with.

I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not.

I should really call the psychiatrist. I've had a name and number for over a month now, and just can't seem to call. I do think though that it will help.

Hell, I even broke down crying after the movie.

Got home, but I couldn't go inside. Instead, I went to the local pub. Sat next to a guy who was originally from Jordan. We got to talking and it turns out he just became a citizen here. I bought him a drink to congratulate and welcome him. We talked more, about nothing really, but still it was good to have some one to talk to. He told me a story about being at a nightclub where shots were fired. Not a thrilling story, but it did involve gun play. Then, he went out for a smoke and asked me to hold his seat. I did.

He never came back. I finished my drink, then went outside, but he wasn't there. So, I left.

I once heard someone say that you weren't really being yourself unless you lost one friend a year. I think it was a joke, but sometimes, I believe it. I feel like I am slowly losing friends.

What happens when they are all gone?

I sometimes think that I am teetering on the edge of alcoholism as it is, and something like that would just push me over.

Well, wasn't that pleasant.

Get ready. This is what you have to look forward to twice a month.