Bittersweet

Yesterday, I had a fine day.

I had a long drive with a friend. We talked about so many topics. Laughed. Told some serious stuff. Got advice.

Had a great dinner. Wine, and split shrimp and filet mignon, then coffee and cheesecake.

The thing is, the friend was NB. My ex wife.

We had to go to San Diego to do our taxes, and since we are still technically married, we went together to see if it would be better to file joint. It wasn't.

Talking and hanging with her is nice. She is fun. I think that is something she found again after her and I split. Her stories of hanging with her new friends were hysterical. We got to the small town outside of SD, and we were early, so we ran around town poking our heads into small shops and making jokes and laughing our asses off.

After the tax session, we were starving and there was a lodge-looking restaurant that made us laugh when we looked at it, so we decided to eat there. The prices were more than the place looks like it will be, but we thought, "what the hell".

There were moments yesterday that really made me remember what first attracted me to her. Spontaneous moments of curiosity mixed with embracing the absurd. That is something I always look for in my life, and she was always a perfect partner for that.

Then, there is a gentle nature to her heart, and a ferocious desire for knowledge. Those were also qualities I aspired to.

The whole time, I kept thinking, Damn, I wish this would have worked out. I wish this was what I had wanted. So much is, and then, so much isn't.

I told her that. She said someday someone would come along with all of it. I don't know if I believe that anymore.

I just find my self rather nostalgic today, but not delusional. I know it is done. I know it really will never be what I really want. But I do miss what it was, and I wish to somehow capture that again.

After I got home, CM (the new girl) called. She had been out with friends and they were across town and she wanted me to come out and join her and them. I had been in a car for six hours. It was late in the evening, and I was tired and whistful. Also, I thought it would be REALLY unfair to meet her with a fresh sort of remorse for my divorce hanging over my mood. I told her no, I wasn't coming out. She tried to persuade me. I said no. She tried to guilt me. I said no. She put a mutual friend on the phone and he tried to berate me. I said no. Then I was pissed.

When she got back on, I tried to remain nice and witty, but I was firm and short. I said no.

I wish I could contact NB and say... something. What? I don't know. To what end? I don't know.

I guess what I really want to address is this thing inside of me that is missing.