The Perfect Storm

The other night, I had one of the worst panic attacks I have ever had.

I ended up not being at the studio on Wed night, and on the drive home, my mind kicked into crazy. I couldn't play my music because I couldn't settle my thoughts anywhere, and I had to drive. I needed to get food, but couldn't think of where they sold it, and didn't want to drive there.

When I got home, I turned on the TV to try to calm me, but I couldn't pay attention. Now, my body started to jerk. My legs were twitching, so I got up and paced the house.

These were my thoughts: I have no security in life. I am losing one job without assuredly getting the next. I am being manipulated into giving and not getting my due. I will end up giving up my dream. I am failing at my dream anyway. I am failing at life. I will never meet anyone who would view this as an attractive life to attach themselves to. I am going to die, and that is ok.

I felt like my insides were both solidifying and liquifying. I thought I would have a heart attack. I kept pounding on my chest to allieve it.

I noticed the house was dirty and started to clean, but I couldn't think, so my cleaning was haphazard. I would run the water for the dishes, but forget to go back to it, then start the vacuum, and notice the water, so turn off the vacuum, go turn off the water, then notice the dog hair, and wipe down the floor, then notice the counters, and wipe them, then think the counters in the bathroom must be the same, then go to wipe them, then see the TV and sit down to catch the good moment, but be unable to sit, so I would squirm to the floor, then notice the floor was dirty, and start up the vacuum.

I felt like I had nobody. I couldn't call anyone. I know that is not true, but that is what I thought then.

Eventually, I did make a call. It took me three times to pick up the phone, but I called my brother. Can you believe it?

He was going through some stress at work, and we started to talk about it, and it made me laugh. Then, we started to talk about many things, and I felt calm. I told him what I was going through, and he actually helped. His words were inspiring and wise and true. I know! I don't believe it either! I told him he was doing great, and told him he had IT figured out.

Hanging up, I watched the premeire of South Park, and was able to laugh. I still felt a bit twitchy, but calmer of the mind. After that, I put in Chinatown, and fell asleep to that beautiful movie.