Now That's A Setback!

So, first, a disclaimer: I'm drinking! Hard! Might put a bit of a spin on the tone of what is to follow.

Second, history:

I emailed her earlier and at the end of it all, we had decided to do drinks tonight. Right now, in fact. Does my writing this post give you any hint that maybe that DIDNT happen?

Also, as part of the history, let me tell you what I have been planning. I asked a few people what the best approach was. I was really feeling like maybe something was developing. I wasn't sure about the boyfriend equation, but thought that all the uber flirting meant that maybe there was a chance for me.

TH told me that talking would kill it. I wish he wasn't right, but he is. Everytime I have talked about a potential relationship with a girl, it has NOT happened. He said to just kiss her, and let the talk come from that. I thought that was risky, but decided to do it because I thought it might be accepted, and that might put the talk on the table. I really had planned on kissing her tonight, and was thoroughly looking forward to it.

Third, what happened:

Went into tonights rehearsal thinking about the characters I was pitching, but ready to be flirty. I have been doing all the right moves so far, I thought I should just totally trust myself and my wishes.

Sat next to her, and it was the same thing as always. She is hyper aware of what I am saying and laughing at and everything. She showed me her book, and her stickers, and gave me a sticker, and all was good.

My characters went well, so I knew I was hitting a homerun in the "I am talented, so you should love me" department.

Afterwards, as I was planning the question of where we should go for drinks, she ducked out of the room. To be fair, there was an improv show going on right afterwards, featuring one of our troop members, and then another short show, featuring several big time improvers from the LA area. When I went out, I saw her talking with friends about watching the show. I put my clothes in my car and went back to watch the show. As I was returning, I passed her, and she didn't even look at me. I took that as a certain bad sign.

I sat down in the theater, and waited. I was telling myself to just enjoy the show, and let the night be what it was. She came in and sat behind me with the friends, and put her arm on mine briefly as she sat. I thought, well maybe things are alright.

The show was fabulous. I'm glad I saw it. LOVED IT.

After, she ducked out again with her friends. I hung around for a bit with two girls I know, but knew that I was fucked. She wouldn't even look over at me. So, me and the two girls started to leave.

I felt like crap.

Got to my car, and talked a bit with the two. Didn't listen to them, cuz all I was thinking is, this isn't the story I want to tell. Go make the story I want to tell happen. So, when the two girls got in their car, I turned back to go to the theatre. One girl asked where I was going. I said I had forgotten something. Just then, TO came around the corner alone. She saw me, and perked up. She had started to cross the street away from me, but returned, and we started talking. It was great.

I started to brighten. Thought to myself, this is working. Look how excited and happy she is. She is glad you came back. We were talking about the show, and our show, and it was going great. I was leaning back on a wall, just watching her, and loving her. She was so damn cute the way she was talking. God, I wanted to reach out and grab her and pull her close.

Then I did it. I said, hey, let's continue this over drinks. Let's go to the bar.

She said she couldn't. She said she was going home. She said her boyfriend was sleeping, and not feeling well. I gave her a bit of shit, but I knew I had lost, and I couldn't really be witty.

Then we drove away.

Shit.

I know that there is some strong feeling on her part, but not enough for what I wish. I can't stop feeling the way I do, and now that means sitting aside for a while, I'm afraid.

This sucks.

God, I wanted to pull her close.