Fighting

I have been battling the self hate the past few days.

I just don't want to be there, and it came on strong, and yesterday, I tried all day to argue with it, and lost in the end.

Then this morning, I awoke with a start, felt like my heart missed a beat, and thought that that would be the symptom an alcoholic would feel.

Then I decided to stop calling myself an alcoholic.

The thoughts and words you put out there create truth. Stop thinking the bad thoughts, and stop calling yourself names.

Create a good truth. Live the story you want to be told.

I decided that lying in bed. No more calling myself that name. I had to do that awhile back when I got on a kick of calling myself a failure. TH yelled at me and said he didn't want to hear that come out of my mouth anymore. I thought I was just kidding, but I really had convinced myself. Now, I don't say that. Alcoholic is the same thing.

Then, doing laundry today, I started a book given to me by *. It is called The Four Agreements, and it is powerful mojo. The whole first chapter is all about self loathing. Why we do it, and why it is bad.

Talk about timing.

I read that chapter and it blew my mind.

Then MM called in a bad spot, and I talked him down. Told him about my thoughts and my morning revelation, and what the book was telling me. After a 45 minute talk, he felt better and was on his way to buy the book.

It takes strength, and sometimes you have to fake it until you make it, but I'm determined to do it. No more self loathing. No more! Stop right now!

Like I said, I have been becoming this guy who I didn't recognize, but who I thought I wouldn't mind being. Well, the guy IS me, and I AM him, so I'm going with it, and I'm going to enjoy it.

There is no room for self loathing in that scenario.

I'm not going to write it in. I would hate myself if I did.