In Remembrance, Or Not

Yesterday was my (now defunct) wedding anniversary.

My intent for the day was to be too busy to really think about it.

Turns out that was both true and not.

I was busy, but I did think about it. The upside is, I wasn't as bothered as I thought I might be.

I actually spoke with X, the day before, and we just sort of checked in with each other, and made sure the other was all right. That's what modern, cool divorces are all about. Being magnanimous, not monogamous.

I think we are letting each other off the hook, and doing it to ourselves as well. Therefore, the day didn't sting.

I started out with acting class. Last week, my teacher had praised me and invited me up to the advanced level. That doesn't start until January, so I need to finish out these classes until then. I really felt like I should be just as good as he thinks, or he might see last week as a fluke, and reconsider.

I was great. Humble, huh?

He gave me two scenes, and both were really well suited to me, which helps. Two right up my alley, and I knocked them out of the ballpark. Is that a metaphor smash up?

Anyway, he asked his assistant if he has given me some coaching outside, and the assistant said no. I knew that was good. In other words, I was so good, he didn't think I came to it by myself.

The great part was, it wasn't a struggle. I really let go of my self imposed pressure, and just had fun in the scenes. So, I acheived greater than what I had intended, without really focusing on doing that.

Then, it was second night of work, and training MM. TH and PV were there too, so it was the boys on duty. Fun night. MM burned himself, but only on two fingers, and despite the initial pain, we got a boyish giggle out of it. I think he will do well, if he just stops trying to prove himself. That will come. Everyone is being cool to him, and once he realizes that he can make friends based not on his waiting skills, but on who he is, he will relax.

After wards, we went to TH's place, and played cards, and then craps. Not for money, thank god, I have none. Plus, we drank and smoked. Ganga that is, Texas scrub brush, leafy gold. That was intended as a play off of the Beverly Hillbillies' theme song, but I think I screwed it up.

I have discovered that when I take a toke, even just one tiny one like I did last night, I become very stupid. That is fine, and with close friends like MM and TH, I don't mind being stupid, but with others I think I shouldn't smoke. I really pride myself on my cleverness, and use it as one of a few tools to impress people and get them to "like" me. So, without it, I won't feel like I am doing that, and will feel like they don't like me, and will become paranoid and sad. So, smoke 'em if you got 'em, but only with the closest of friends.

When I returned last night, I had an e mail from a friend who is concerned about my fantasy fling. She gave me some great rational advice, and I heard it, and will listen, but what I really heard, and what I probably should hear, is that this is going too far for what it really is.

Just so you all know, I know that. I keep saying this is doomed, and I know that. I have a glimmer of hope, but really, I am prepared.

I think I just really like feeling this way, and want a bit more before I have to give it up for now.

I think that is why those around me are indulging me too. All but MM.

They want to see me goofy and happy again. A couple of people have written me emails to say that they have noticed it kind of returning lately, and they want to encourage that.

So, what is, is. I'm ok.

Thanks.