Positively Giddy

OK.

I know I was bemoaning my lot with TO to you all last night, but I must confess something.

I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT HER.

I sent her an email last night telling her to join the next show with me. Even after saying on this very page how that would be torture, I wanted torture. If that ain't good, then I wanna be bad.

Then I totally checked my inbox like twelve times to see if she responded. AT TWO IN THE MORNING!

I feel like a school girl.

I went to bed at 4:30, and woke at 9:30.

Still thinking of her. Raced out here to see if she responded. She hadn't.

Then I started to think, what am I doing?

Called a friend and told him. He said cut it out. He said it is great that I feel this way, but SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND!

He told me to tell her not to flirt with me anymore, because I won't be able to be responsible for my actions. That way I state clearly my desire all the while doing the right thing if she is indeed committed to this guy.

He is probably right, but I don't want the flirting to stop.

As for my desire, I think the two AM email says it all.

I have been hopping around today, partly from LOTS of coffee, but mostly cuz I am on clouds.

I keep looking at her picture online. Not naked! A headshot.

I doodle her face on paper. During a meeting. Told my friend R, and she said that it is great to feel this way.

She is trying to devise ways of seducing the boyfriend and opening up the relationship for me.

Great idea, Lucy. Then we'll be show biz stars.

Got home from the meeting and checked my inbox.

SHE RESPONDED!

My breath quickened. I read her message. She said she sent an email to the director to get into the next show, but that she couldn't do the entire run. That almost killed me because the director had just last night said he wanted entire run commitments from the cast.

What if she isn't in the show! Where is my lovely torture?!

I know. I'm kind of fucked up, huh?

She also said that she was happy I didn't get into Zebra, and that she actually had threatened the director with a knife so he wouldn't move me.

A knife. How sweet.

Help me. I am totally bonkers for a girl who I can't have.

The Freudian take on this would be that I desire love, but am still too afraid to accept it, so I am focusing all of my energy on someone safe, because I know she is unavailable.

Yeah. So?

She makes unavailable look so good. Plus, I think I am truly doing all that I can to make her available. Crazy, yes, but you gotta have goals.

Still, it sure is a nice ride.