The cycle returns!

Went and saw Walk The Line today. Another great movie. Not plot wise, though that is very impressive. A bit Hollywood, though. What is truly great about the movie is the two leads. JP and RW are magnificent. He truly embodies the attitude that is needed, and she is just the right combo of maturity and sex.

What struck me about JC though was how much he hated himself. It was palpable. I felt it. I feel it.

All day I have been wishing for a drug addiction. It seemed to do him some good. Not really, but it takes a bit of the steam out of the hate.

I am returning to hating myself again. This happens every so often, I realize. Maybe with this blog I can document it more, and try to find reasons, but for now, I just hate.

It was starting before the movie, I know, because my family asked me to call them today, and I didn't. Just didn't want to. Hated that too. Then, to really ignore them, I went to a movie. Just so happened to be a movie about a guy who is obsessed with a woman, but hates himself. I cried so many times during the film, not letting BM see me. After the movie, I went to work, but everyone was asking what was wrong. Then, after work, I drank. I had wanted that drink since this afternoon when I got out of the movie. Almost had a few nips before work, just to help, but there is a part of me that won't let it get there.

That part though, is dying. I want to be numb. I can't take myself. Don't try and tell me why I shouldn't feel this way, I know that already. I just do. I still will.

I need someone who will love me so hard that I forget who I am.

That is impossible, I think. Which makes me hate even more. My logic kills me sometimes.

Anyway, I have a drink sitting here, and it is lonely like me.

Good night...