hole in my heart

Have just come back from seeing the movie Capote. Wonderful movie.

He doesn't come off well in the film. Not to give much away, but he is very manipulative. At a point, I believe he does care, but has always been a manipulator and just naturally does that. Then, when he is close to glory, he goes into high gear to get what he wants.

Leaves you with a bad taste. Especially if you could reasonably see yourself doing the same.

I think I can.

I feel that way a bit now.

Bile is welling in my throat. Also a lump.

You see, my wife called today.

As I said, at the party, it was odd seeing each other. We stared at each other with wonder. Here was someone that at one time, I knew all there was to know. She the same.

Now, I don't. I don't know how she feels. I can guess, based off of my prior knowledge of her, and assumptions of what she might be feeling based on that knowledge, but really, I don't know.

I don't know if she wishes we could get back together. Sometimes, I think she does, and sometimes I'm convinced she doesn't.

I know she is afraid that she will be alone. Maybe that fear just makes her want to seek empathy, and she hopes I feel it. I don't. I don't think I will be alone. I don't do well alone, and I would probably make a wrong choice before settling on no choice.

Maybe she doesn't feel like she has real friends. She might not. Almost all of the people she has known for the past decade have abandoned her. Partly it is her fault, but that must still be hard. I do empathize with her on that. I fear abandonment.

Maybe she is just looking for someone to say, I know that. I feel that too.

Do I?

I felt bad for her all week. Felt like my pledge to her to try and remain friends was ultimately a lie I didn't know I was telling. I don't know if we can be friends. My feelings for another woman, realized or not, kind of have shown a bright light onto that. It doesn't look well in the light.

So, I felt bad for her. I do love her. I wish it was easier to be friends. I wish that our friends still wanted to be friends with her, so that we could be friends without really trying to make that happen ourselves.

But that isn't the case. We will have to create it ourselves, and I don't know if I can, or if I want to, or if it is even the right thing to do.

On Thanksgiving, with all of that in my heart, I sent her a text message that said, happy thanksgiving, hope your meal goes well, see you tuesday.

Her first show of the year is Tuesday, and I said I would go in support.

I didn't hear back from her on Thanksgiving, but that didn't really shock me.

I did hear from her today.

She was out with friends, and they were thinking of going to a great lookout point over LA. She called to see if I wanted to go with.

I had just made plans to go see the movie with my cousin, so said no.

She said thanks for the message, and sorry she couldn't call me. She said she had a rough time on Thanksgiving. She asked how I was.

I said I was fine.

She said that she was glad I was coming Tuesday, and that it should be fun, and told me that I shouldn't feel awkward. She said let's just have fun.

Her voice sounded small. Tiny with emotion.

I asked if she was all right. She said she felt alone. I said I knew that feeling.

I think that was a lie. I feel lonely, but not alone. I didn't want to get into it with her, because I am afraid of being her only friend. I don't think that is healthy for either of us. So, am I starting to break my pledge?

Manipulator?

I have a hole in my heart for her. I want her to be strong and happy and free. I want her to move on with out me. I wish some guy would come along and sweep her off her feet, because I can deal with the pain of her moving on first better than she can deal with it.

I want to carry that burden for her, but I don't think that will happen. I think I am moving on first. I think I will be the first to meet someone. My feelings over the past few weeks make me almost sure of that.

If TO didn't have a boyfriend, what would be stopping me?

What is best for her? How do I remain true to our friendship, and true to my growth, and true to my heart, and not kill all?

I remember two days after the BIG TALK, while we were walking home from breakfast, after having had a very mature and frank talk about our feelings and our future, I broke down into a deep sob. I told her that the loss of my best friend was starting to hit me, and it stung deep. That is when we pledged to remain friends. I told her then, it would be tough, and it would take awhile, but did I know what I was talking about? Was I lying to relieve my own pain?

Watching Truman struggle with his emotions and his manipulation, all of this was brought forward. Sadly, as I sat in the dark theater, pushing down the sadness so my cousin wouldn't see it, I knew I would drop her off, and rush to get a drink. Then, in the movie, Truman starts to drink heavy and always.

I only saw another parallel.

He also had a great pair of tortoise shell glasses, which I have wanted for some time. ANOTHER parallel!

I don't know. What do you think? Is it possible to make everybody happy, including yourself?