So, whatcha been doin?

So, as I said a week ago, my friend * was in town this week.

It was a great time. We did a lot of talking. Not the soul searching kind only. Plenty of just random, "what do you think of this" talk as well.

He arrived just after my last show, which I had a blast at. I really injected the fun into that one, which was good, because I didn't think I would because that day I was feeling low over my final dealings with TO.

Then on Saturday, we had a party in his honor. Tons of people showed. It was the largest party I've had here. It went until 6:30 in the morning. They really came out for him, and he loved it.

I, however, did NOT have fun. I smoked some dope, and got all paranoid. I thought I was over that, but, I'm not.

I kept seeing people's wants and intentions, over their words, and it was not pretty.

I thought one was mad at me, and didn't want him to be mad. I thought one was hitting on me, and didn't want her to feel that way. I thought one was too needy, and didn't want to have to give. I thought one was trying to flatter me to get something, and didn't know what he wanted, so couldn't believe the flatter. I thought one was waiting for me to tell her that I don't want to do it anymore, but I couldn't start that conversation. I thought one had something bad happen to her, but couldn't let anyone see me asking her if that was true.

I thought, and thought, and thought. Then, I laid down for sleep, and woke up five hours later. Still paranoid. Still feeling all the wrongness about everything.

* met up with some other friends that Sunday, and I went to work. Afterwards, when I got home, he was crashing on the couch, so I laid on the couch next to him, and as we both faded in and out of conciousness, we talked about the past, and the future. The past being school, and people we knew there. The future being a trip to Amsterdam in May that he wants me to take with him.

Monday came and I was feeling better. Went shopping at a very odd store with *, and bought a bunch of postcards that I am going to use to decorate the bald spots in my bedroom.

After work, * and BM, and another girl I really hardly knew, were all still up, and we stayed up until 3AM talking some more. Mostly about LA and the lives we would all like to lead.

Tuesday, he and I hung out here alone. After a couple of hours, he started to press me on the divorce. He was wondering why I didn't bring it up before. I told him that I felt like he arrived, and everyone just started telling him their problems, and I wasn't going to do that. He said that was the whole reason he came, was to talk to me about my life. He also said, he didn't think people just started telling him their problems, he felt like he probed it out of them.

Anyway, we talked, and he thought I was sound in my thoughts, and he took me to a bookstore, and made me buy some books that he thinks I should read now. I haven't started them, but I'll let you know.

That night, after work, I picked him up, and we went to the bar I normally go to alone. We sat and drank, and laughed, and had a great time. During that time, I turned to him and said I am definitely going to Amsterdam. I just thought that he teaches me so much all the time, and I have a great time with him, that why pass on another opportunity for all of that. And in Amsterdam!

During all of the talking and paranoia, I have come to a conclusion. I am not the type of guy who steals another's girl. So, I will still be honest with TO about how I feel, but I am going off the hard press. It just isn't fair, and if she were mine, I wouldn't want me doing what I am doing. It's harsh, but right. Still can't stop thinking of her, but...

Also, at the party, I saw X. She looked totally different. It was odd. She walked up to me and I could see the same sense of wonder that I had in her eyes. She looked at me, and said, you bought burgandy pants. I looked at her, and said, your hair flips up. We then just nodded to each other and didn't know where to go from there. I later realized that for the first time, we were seeing each other without the past attached. It was purely in the now, and we are different now. I keep feeling like it is going to get harder to remain friends. A lot of my friends came up to me after she left and gave me shit in one form or another about her, and that makes it hard. Add on to that the fact that I can't really even recognize her, and don't know if it is even healthy for me to try, and where in my life does she fall into? I sent her a TM today wishing her happy Thanksgiving, but I feel my ideals will be hurt.

Friday with the family. Grandmother, uncle and aunt who fight, cousins who are very into themselves, and me.

It could be worse.