A few thoughts at night

Been sleeping around the house most of the day. My energy seems to be here and there. If I ain't doing anything, I feel fine, but once I go out, then ka-bammo, no energy. Tonight, I did laundry with BM, and it nearly wiped me out.

BM is also feeling ill. I probably gave it to him, but he told me that he has been up until the crack of dawn Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights. All of those drunk.

I wonder what is becoming of the two of us. I wonder if this is healthy.

A girl at work always jokes with me that a night up until 3am is just another day at the office for me. I kind of feel the same about BM. I look at him, and listen to his stories, and I worry.

I know that he is just out and finding himself, but habits are funny things, and they start so easily. I am glad that he is living his life as the type of person he wants to be, but maybe that is why we are supposed to do that during our teenage years. Discovery like that takes a great amount of stamina, and we two just don't have it anymore. We are old.

Watched a couple of movies today. First was Pulp Fiction.

What a great movie. It has been years since I have seen it, and it sure is a stand up film. Still, in my opinion the best thing that Sam Jackson has EVER done. Maybe even Travolta, but he has had a few other great films too.

I was struck hard though. Uma playing Mia Wallace is almost a spitin image of TO. She has the same bob black hair, and big bright eyes, and a super energy, but a sharp wit that speaks of uber confidence and at the same time this tremendous vulnerability about her. I wanted to jump on the email and tell her, but I can't. That isn't my place.

Then I watched Cinderella Man. Actually, a good movie. I usually find Ron Howard movies to be so treacle, and this is a feel good movie, but it isn't treacle. It gives just what it needs to, and not much more. I really liked it. Plus, Paul Giamatti is just an astounding actor.

Usually I hate Renee Z as well, but she did good here. I thought her the weakest, but not ruin the movie bad.

I was struck by her love and loyalty to her husband.

God, I sure could use that.

I know I have said it before here, but the cosmic joke that the universe has played on me by getting me all amped up for a love that is true and deep and everlasting, and then teaching me that in fact I didn't have that, is a real fucking cruel one.

I just want a woman who I can align my hopes and dreams and fears and joy with. I want to have a fight that hurts your heart because you love the person whom you are disagreeing with. Or to come home, weak, and have them hold you and tell you how strong you are. Or to just watch them talk, and to look at them and how beautiful they are, and how happy they seem, and how you have some part of that. The pride you can take in knowing that this awesome, beautiful person who is everything to you is happy because of you.

If you know what I am talking about, and have someone who that applies to, then by god, go to them now, or call them, and tell them thanks. Let them know that you are happy they are with you, and hopefully, they will tell you the same.

I better stop. I feel my heart breaking.