Boy, that got to me

Another holiday party. This time a girl from work through the party. Same girl who had the infamous Halloween party. This time I didn't get high. No, this time I did something else.

I decided early on during the party that I was going to piss people off. It was mosty a group of people that her roommate works with, so I felt no need to impress. In fact, just the opposite. I felt like I could piss people off, and not suffer the consequences. Big difference.

So, I started out the party by just telling people exactly what I thought of them. No matter who they were, I told it like it was. I also tried to pit one person against another. I would ask a person what they thought of someone else, and I would ask leading questions. Then, when that person came out on to the balcony where we were, I would tell them what the first person revealed to me. It was huge fun. Needless to say, a lot of people were not liking me. One guy almost started a fight with me. Hilarious!

There was a guy from work who I was talking with, he and his girlfriend were at the party, and I told them early of my goal. At one point, as I was telling him of my progress, he said that I had nothing to worry about, because he would have my back. He is a big guy too, so I really wasn't worried. He is also young, and really looks up to me, so I went along with what I wanted to do and say.

Then, he got me.

Later on, after everyone who didn't like me left, we were out on the balcony talking. We were talking about how we were getting to know each other, and how we felt about each other, you know, real guy bonding kind of sappy stuff. Well, this kid busts out with a question that really shook me. He asked me why I was so angry. Told me that everything I do has some real sharp anger in it.

I was flabbergasted.

I guess because he was right.

I really stopped being a dick to people after that, because I just couldn't muster it up anymore. It suddenly wasn't funny.

In fact, the whole drive home, that is all I have been thinking about.

Why am I so angry?

I asked MM, and he thought about it, and then said he thought it was because I never fit in, and early on that was really rough, and that now I still feel like I don't fit in, but it isn't as rough, but only because the one person who I feel like I don't fit in with is me.

Kind of cuts in to you, huh?

I think I am just looking for someone to take away the pain. Is that possible? Does the other person take it away? Or am I just wasting my time, and do I have to do that myself? I don't know. I just want it gone.