I'm not sure why

I talked to KK today.

I saw him outside of class, as I was passing by on my way to work. I hadn't spoken with him since, so I thought I should call.

He seemed hurt, but capable.

I remember the feeling that he said he is having. The feeling of life is a dream, and you can't wait to wake up. Also, the sense that you are grieving now, for an animal, harder than you will ever grieve for a human. It all comes back so clear.

I told him I am stronger these days and to lean on me if he needs. I think that is true. We'll see.

He said to me something that took me by surprise. He said he and R had said the other night that they were thankful I was in their life.

Like I said, that surprised me.

I don't feel like I have given anything to either of them. In fact, I feel like I have taken so much from them over the last year. They became my go-to's. Now, as they need, I feel inadequate.

I would be happy to be a giver to them, and if they think I am, that is great. That means I'm doing something right, even though I don't know it.

I got up Saturday morning, after only four hours of sleep, and quite a bit of drinking, and a bit of smoke, and some deep sadness, and I met my group and ran four miles.

I think this running thing is going to be so helpful. The depression I was feeling for the loss, and the remembrance of my little guy and his death, all got washed away with the run. It clears the head. Probably the greatest effect this whole thing might have on me. Clearing the head.

I tried to get a hold of my father today, but missed him in the short time I had to make a phone call. It will be two years since I have seen him on Tuesday. Like I said the other night, loss makes you rethink things. I would like to be a better person for my family. It is hard when you are so far away, but I will try.

Speaking of rethinking things, I feel like my feelings for TO might be waning. Seeing her with her BF the past couple of days has really made me feel less than desired, and then putting the new perspective on things made me wonder if it is all worth it. It just feels like banging my head against a wall.

I said last week that I wanted to turn the corner. Maybe I was heard.