Like A Drug

I'm trying to let go.

I'm trying to move on, as everyone has told me to, from my desire and longing for TO.

I am keeping myself open to others. I am actively trying to put myself in places where others may be.

However, like a drug, I feel like my habit is causing me pain when I don't get my fix.

Last night, on the year anniversary of deciding to end my marriage, I went and saw The Breakup with a friend. I thought it was a dumb decision, but she wanted to go, and I didn't want to go home.

I thought for sure that the movie would fuck with my head and put me in a bad way with thoughts of X.

I was surprised to find I kept thinking of TO throughout.

That is both a good thing and a bad. Good that I believe I have actually moved on and gotten over my divorce. Bad that I can't get this girl out of my mind.

Last Friday, for our show, I told myself I was going to be polite, but put my focus on others and myself.

I think I did, but every time she came by, or talked to me, I felt the drug kick in. I melt into her face. Her voice can be like a siren's song, compelling me toward it, even though I know it is my own demise.

I'm hooked. Even today, I sit here wishing somehow I could communicate with her. Then, I abuse myself for even having the thought. That isn't letting go, I yell in my mind.

So, I do something to distract. But it doesn't.

We only have two weeks left of our show, and then there is a chance I won't see her. I don't rehearse with that troupe anymore. She won't be in the next show, so if I go to see it, she may not be there.

I feel both a sense of relief and horror at the thought of that.

Relief because every week I tear my heart out, only to find it renewed and full by the next day. It will be nice to have that end.

Or will it? That is the horror.

This is a purge post. I'm really trying to let go. Really.

Even though it goes against my deepest desire.

Like a drug.