Where did all the people in blog world go?

What is going on?

All the blogs I read haven't been updated since Monday. That, and I can't seem to get it together and write.

All the shit I want to write, I feel like I just say over and over again. All the stuff I don't want to write, I really should, but I don't.

So, fuck it here I go.

I have been pretty busy this week because I am feeling old and I want a career in acting and I feel like I am fucking it up, and letting it slip away. So, I started to try and get my shit together. I made a list on Sunday night, and I have been keeping to it.

I'm normally not this productive. I am the type of procrastinator who is given a thing to do, and four days later starts to think about doing it. Then, three days after that, does it.

I have to change that.

Then, as part of my "gettin shit done" self, yesterday I didn't have a drink all day. That is probably the first time since the begining of June that I went a day without some sort of drink. That sounds bad, but seriously, some times it was one beer. Maybe two wines. Not an alcoholic, but I did need to go a day without. Just to say I could. Of course, I have been drinking tonight, but the drinking every day thing IS going to decrease.

Also, I think I asked that girl out. I don't know what I am doing there. I don't know if she even is interested. I think that she is interested, but wary. Much like me. I don't think I should be dating anyone right now, but whenever I am around her, I just flirt away, and then I find myself saying things like, so what are you doing Saturday night?

Everyone tells me don't do this. I think I shouldn't do this. I bet that she thinks this isn't smart. Hell, today at work, when I announced that yesterday I didn't have a drink all day, everyone was shocked that I had been drinking like that since June, but she said, can you blame him. So, obviously, she thinks I am fucked up. And I am.

However, I think that we are both really attracted to each other. She is probably smarter than I, and is not going to let anything happen. I can't control myself. I don't know why. I guess it is just being lonely.

What we really want as adults is love and respect. Someone to love, and to have love us. Then, respect from most everyone else. You don't need everyone to respect you, because you can always say that those who don't are the crazy people. But you do need quite a few people to respect you.

I think that out of all the people I know, and who know me, about 70% respect me. I can think of the ones who don't, and I tell myself that I don't care about them or their respect, but I do.

So, that is where I have been.

I don't know what I'm doing. I feel like I should have been doing it a long time ago. I'm worried that it is too late to do the thing I don't know. So, I am jumping headlong into whatever thinking that I will hit the thing I have been longing to do.

Sound like a mid life crisis?

Either that, or I really, truly have it all figured out. Seriously, it could be either one.