Two teeth stories

Just finished using my new electric toothbrush.

First of all, I know what you are thiking. One something in the afternoon, and he is only brushing now! No. I brush immediately upon rising, but I do my serious floss and poke and brush in the afternoon. That's how my jaw is becoming unhinged.

Anyway, all the know it alls have been telling me electric is the way to go. Apparently, I also need to do this because I am eroding my teeth by brushing too hard.

Take that all you big tough guys. I'm so macho crazy strong, I am brushing my own teeth away.

Well, the know it alls said that this wouldn't happen with an electric.

I have had this electric for a couple of weeks, but have been reluctant to use it.

First of all, I used to have one, but I never felt like it was doing the job. It seems so light to the touch. I have to get rid of a pot of coffee stains a day! Plus, I was always freaked out that in putting water on the paste (something I just must do! How do people brush dry?), I thought that I might electrocute myself. Now, I can't think of a good way to die, but having people say you died brushing your teeth is certainly not the story I want told.

Second, those goddamn things look like medical dildos. What a stupid design. I have to stare at my face in a goddamn mirror for two minutes( four thirty second intervals, one minute outer, top and bottom, one minute inner, top and bottom), while I give head to Marcus Welby's dreamt up dingus! It makes me not only NOT want to brush my teeth, but it also makes me feel very inadequate sexually. I don't think I give good head. I gag. Not that I would ever WANT to give head, but when you are staring at yourself doing the act for TWO minutes, it makes your mind wander, and I do tend to take pride in all that I do.

Third, in order to complete the required two minutes, and in all the locations needed, you keep your mouth open and paste flowing for much longer than that area is equipped for. It results in quite a flow of liquidy paste down the front. Not knowing this was going to happen, I now have a tremendous white stripe down my nice red t-shirt. Then, when I realized the leak was a side effect, I leaned in close to the mirror to be over the sink, only to get a better shot of my porno audition. That and with the white liquid flowing, out the comparison only became more real. I look like some x-rated renaissance fountain that all the boy doctors like to visit.

I have to do THIS every day! Oh, come on!