Fuck Me

I feel like an absolute idiot.

Tonight, after work, I sat with a few others drinking.

Not much, but I felt like going when everyone was done. I talked one girl into still drinking. She said let's go to her place and have margaritas. OK.

Now, I should tell you this is the girl who I had the pretend date with. Which means, I think she is pretty, and I think she thinks nothing of me.

We got to her place and all was cool. We made drinks, and we talked. I cracked her up. We talked about rooms in her place. I told her she should switch bedrooms, and I think I convinced her.

We sat on opposite couches. That was fine, but after a couple of drinks, I started feeling different.

To be fair, the reason I felt different is, my friend told me recently that he thought I should start kissing more girls. It sounds ridiculous, but he was serious. He said that kissing girls, sometimes when you aren't sure they want you to, is what really leads to anything. I think, for the most part, he is right. I mean, sure, sometimes you are going to find that the girl is not on the same page. However, most times, the girl will be into kissing, because if you feel like kissing her, she probably feels like kissing you.

So, that is running through my brain, and all I think is, I want to kiss you. Nothing more. Seriously, all I thought was I want to kiss you. I started to zone out on the conversation, because all I could focus on was her lips. Then, I decided to make my move.

So, when we were talking about veins in our arms, I moved over to her couch.

In hindsight, the first sign that I should have just kissed her was the ridiculous conversation we were having. That is always the sign that she is trying just as hard as you to keep things going.

Well, after I moved the conversation just kept going. I couldn't bring myself to kiss her, because I was scared she would just pull away and look at me like, what the fuck are you doing!?

I should have done it anyway. I should have just kissed her. I will think about that for several days now. That will haunt me for some time.

Still, I didn't. We talked. I ran out of liquor to drink. She tried to drink hers. I couldn't tell if she was drinking to finish so she could get rid of me, or pounding out of the confusion of what to do while she was waiting for me to do something.

At one point, she put her hand on my knee. Only briefly, but still it made me wonder if it was a sign. I tried to move my knee closer to hers so that they were pressing against each other, but she didn't press back. I kept telling myself, that the fact that I was sitting on the same couch was most likely a sign to go ahead. Still, I talked.

Then, she got up to go to the bathroom. I told myself, if she sat down back on the same couch then THAT was the sign. I would kiss her. If she sat on the opposite couch, then I would leave. What did she do? She stood between both couches, and asked if I wanted to crash on her couch. I went with the negative side of my bet, and said it was time to leave.

What an ass.

I really shouldn't be as hard on myself as this. There is always another time. It is just that, I really wanted to kiss her tonight, and I really just should have, despite the results. I should have done it for me, not for what might have happened had I done it.

Driving home, I thought, why didn't I just say, I want to kiss you.

The answer: because that is lame. If you want that answer, than kiss her and get it. If you ask, you are a coward.

Well, I will now go to sleep hating myself. Not the first time, but this one does burn a bit more than usual. I should have all of these lessons figured out by now.

This is going to be a bitch. Isn't it?