I can't seem to escape my past

I can't seem to escape my past today. So much is coming around that reminds me of various things. Mostly, my marriage, and the relationship.

Songs that came out while we were together, and then especially the ones that have a direct memory attached to them. They have been hitting me today.

A kid at work just got back from Europe, and telling me about his trip reminded me of mine, and how much in love we were then.

Getting sad even reminds me of times when she would comfort me. Strange particular moments of sadness are flooding me as memories.

It is just so overwhelming. I feel a huge sadness. I guess it comes from the fact that BM is moving in and now the official change is taking place. Somehow the removal of half the possesions didn't quite fix in my brain the end, but the addition of another being sure as hell is doing the job.

I feel like a balloon. One that has a fatal pin prick, letting out all of the air. I feel a constant leaking coming from somewhere around my chest, right about where the heart would be located, and the leakage is a vital unseen element.

All of this is not to say that I want to get back together, but just that history and loyalty have always been important to me, and now, well, it seems like they have been destroyed. I guess that is why all the old songs are hurting. Knowing that they are my history, and that my history had been betrayed by my loyalty.

I feel such an insurmountable sadness. Like I am waiting for a particular person to come along who will finally unlock something hidden in me, and I will get to let out all of this grief and sadness in one giant cry.

I guess that sentiment is what was meant when my friend said that right now I am toxic to new relationships.