THE END

Well, this week my divorce was legally finalized.

Just a bit over two years from the day we separated, which is longer than the entire marriage actually lasted. A point of contention with me, but...

So, how do I feel?

Well, relieved actually. It was a long and expensive process, and I am glad it is over. I still hate the fact that I am divorced, but glad that I am divorced and not divorcing.

Plus, my relationship with NB has finally gotten to a place of mutual friendship, mutual caring, and tenderness. We both know it is over. We both have dealt with it. We both care for and still, in a way, love the other. We both don't want to get back together.

There are many things about my life that I wish were improved, but there are also many things that have come about, almost directly because I am now single and in search of something, that I am glad to have in my life.

There will always be some tinge of regret. There will always be a wisp of sadness. There were many things about my relationship I loved. Some of those things will naturally be replaced when I start another relationship, but some will be lost forever. Such is life.

Now for the next chapter....

Exciting, huh?

The firewall inside

So, I don't really write here anymore.

I think part of that is because for some reason the cookies on my home computer have been messed up, and I can't sign in on that computer. Blogger won't recognize me no matter what I do.

Right now, I am at work, and that isn't the best place to really write your inner most feelings.

Then again, I don't know if I am up for revealing the inner most. The past few blogs have been more action based than feeling. I think doing this blog has caused healing inside, but part of that healing is a closing off a bit.

I'm a little less in need of validation for my vulnerabilities. Partly because I give myself that validation, and partly because I am seeking it in a human form, rather than this removed experience.

Even my other blog is less vulnerable. I do write there more often, but they are surface level observations.

I have a date this Sunday. A girl whom I met a couple of years ago, and had a spark with, and an intense hour long conversation. She came to the theater where I perform a few weeks ago, and I tracked her down. I'm looking forward to this. I know it has been two years, and a lot can change in a person. Hell, I'm the living example, but she was really cool, and seems to still be.

I wouldn't mind having a girlfriend. So, let's see. Here's hopin'.

Well, I guess that's all for now.

I might come back, I might not. I'm tossing around the idea of letting this go. Part of me just writes here because I am neurotic, and I would hate to have a gap in the dates listed on the side in the archives section. I have every month in consecutive order from July '05 to now.

Then again, that's no reason to share... so.... we'll see.

peace

Might Be All Right

So, yesterday, I went to the movies with NB.

We hadn't hung out in a while, not since early Feb, and I had asked her earlier in the week if she wanted to hang out. Trying to maintain a friendship, was the plan.

I suggested the movie, because I really wanted to see it. Grindhouse. She didn't mind, and we planned a matinee. Then, she wrote back saying maybe we could do lunch afterwards, and maybe drinks. Martinis.

When she said that, my first thought was, What's up with that? Bombed in the afternoon? That sounds odd. Actually, that sounds flirty.

All week leading up to it, my mind kept coming back to what could be going on. I told myself I was being crazy. I told myself not to think that way.

We met for the movie, and it was fun. We went for Mexican food afterwards. The restaurant was just starting happy hour. Double margaritas for $4. Big plate of steak nachos for $6. We indulged.

The conversation was easy. We were congratulating ourselves on maintaining our friendship when some other people we know got divorced and couldn't stand each other.

We finished up, and she offered to take me home. It was bright light out, and only 5:30. I was buzzed enough to be energized, but not too drunk to want to stop. I suggested we keep drinking and hanging out. She said ok.

We went to another bar, after a search for somewhere open. It was Easter after all. We talked about past Easters and how did we spend them. '03 Cat show topped our list.

At the next bar, the conversation turned serious. Mostly about failed intentions, and lessons learned. Goals for the future, and regrets from the past.

We would sneak outside every once in awhile to let her smoke. We were getting drunk.

Then, I noticed her outfit. She had dressed up for me. She was wearing a tight dress, and snake skin boots. She had also commented on my outfit.

I thought about that, and I remembered getting dressed. The way I chose what to wear that day, made me realize that I was dressing up for her. I was dressing up to seduce. Then I realized she must have done the same.

So, standing outside of the bar, drunk, I brought the subject up. Told her I wanted to fuck.

She said she did too. We thought about it. Thought about how it might be the worst decision ever. Then, we said neither one of us wanted to get back together with the other. We liked each other, and were attracted, but both of us knew we weren't right for each other.

So, with both of us in agreement, we went back into the bar, finished our drinks, paid the bill, and left.

A comical stop at a liquour store to get condoms resulted when she refused to go to my place, since it used to be her place.

We decided that the deed must be done in a locale that hadn't been used before. Signifying the new pact, and not a return to something past. However, my condoms were at my house, and she said she only had one at her house. (a sentence that made my ears perk up as I realized that she intended to do it multiple times)

We entered her place and she said, Do you want a beer or do we just go at it?

How's that for romance? I declined the beer.

Strange and familiar. That is how I would describe it. After two years, much has changed, and much hasn't.

It wasn't uncomfortable. Even afterwards, when the reality hits you. There was no regret, and also, there was no unintended emotions welling up. It was friends, who had gotten liquored up, and went to 'that' place.

Even today, there isn't a dream like version of the future playing in my head. There is just business as usual.

I can't say that it will ever happen again. I can't say it won't.

I can say it was great. Not a bad Easter. That beats the Cat show.

A moment

So, I can't write in this blog at home.

Stupid me, thinking I was cleaning my computer, did a wipe of my history and cookies, and now, stupid blogger won't let me resign into my own blog.

Unless, I'm here at work. Then, I can do it.

Which is what I'm doing now, but this isn't the type of blog one would just pull up on his screen at work, unless everyone was in the other room doing something else. Which they are.

So, I know I missed my first of the month posting, but I had posted a couple around mid Feb, so I'm still on track for total posts. That said, it has been a month. And oh what a month.

First, I did not go to the show on that Sunday to see MR. I wasn't feeling my mojo that night, and without it I can not compete with twenty something hipsters for a twenty something rock chick. Even with my mojo, that is doubtful.

Then, the silent treatment ended with CM. We got together, and she laid on me the old "Define our relationship" line.

I told her I was looking for something casual. She said she wasn't. We had sex. Then, she asked me to define casual.

I spent an afternoon at work here typing up my definition, and it was great. Very honest, and considerate; explaining that I was exploring relationships right now.

She called it my slut phase, to which I said that it was more than that.

Well, we hung out a few more times, but she would always cry after we fucked, and that is uncomfortable, let me tell you.

She just couldn't help falling for me, and I wasn't reciprocating. I felt bad, because it started to feel like I was using her, which I wasn't, but still.

So, we broke up.

There is a girl at the theatre who I have been sort of flirty with, but she is also very flirty with many others. She was a dork in high school, and suddenly now, she is quite attractive, and around a theatre where a lot of guys are giving her attention.

That's great, but I don't want to compete that hard. Plus, two of the guys she is flirting with against me are two of my good friends. That just makes it awkward.

So, although it is fun to flirt, I am pulling away from that one.

I think. You never know. You can say you'll pull away, but then a pretty girl rubs up against you and there ain't no way to pull away.

Plus, I have to keep a sense of hope.

To that, I mean, a sense of hope that somewhere, someone will be the next great love.

I was hanging with a friend last night. She is in her mid forties, and is opinionated and brash. You know, a real fun girl.

Well, she was saying that she has given up on love. Sex, she can get. Love, she doesn't believe in anymore.

Tears welled up in her eyes as she said it, and I could understand, even sympathize, but I can't let myself ever get to that place, because that place is awful.

So, it might make for some pain, and some really funny stories, but I'm going to just keep putting my heart out there for the steppin.

Some day, maybe someone will pick it up off the floor, brush it off, and care for it.

Foundation or Delusion

So, this week I have been getting the silent treatment from CM.

Ok. Whatever. The thing about that power play is it only works if the other person is desperate to see or talk to you.

So, it ain't workin.

Wednesday, being VD, I was busy all day, but I got an email half way through the day.

A band I saw back in Nov was playing that night. At one of my favorite bars. Hmmm?

When I caught them in Nov, they were opening for another band who I actually had come to see. This opening band was great, very soulful, but the best point was the incredibly beautiful lead singer. I tried to buy her a drink, but many more were before me, so I settled on just talking to her. It was brief, but long enough to get my name on the mailing list.

To which brought me the email.

Driving home from rehearsal on Wednesday, I passed by the bar, and remembered the email. I knew they weren't going on for awhile, and I was already tired, but I pulled in. Got a drink and found a nice spot to sit where I was still lit enough that somebody, say onstage, could see me.

She passed through the room and I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She has the demeanor of a rare flower that has only known shade. However her effect on the room as she demurely passes through it is like a brush fire spreading in the wind.

Onstage, she refuses to look at the audience, except when she makes a mistake, at which point she holds the audience's gaze with a mix of defiance and self mocking enthusiasm. Her voice is powerful. POWERFUL.

She sings of tragedy, as any good country based singer should.

After the set, I sized up the situation. From the looks of her friends, I guess she is mid twenties in age. Maybe too young.

Many an alternative, bearded hunk buzzed around her, and she did become flirty, but nobody seems to hold that special spot. At least, not that night.

I made my move.

Introduced myself. Told her when I saw her last, and how I got onto her mailing list. She was excited to see someone she didn't know come for her. I began to tell her how soulful she is, when a girl next to me, I don't know if she is a friend or not, began to interrupt.

She talked about how this singer is like an angel descended from the sky that you feel a close affection for, but that you can't grab hold of.

The singer, MR, just smiled with bemusement. Then she looked at me and said, I'm an angel.

At which point, I became hysterical. I got all worked up, and said, She took my line! I was going to use the angel descended, cant grab hold of bit! I wrote it out over there at the table, and she must have peeked. That's the last time I sit by you, missy!

The singer laughed. She felt awkward, I could tell, but I wasn't sure if it was from my force of humor, or the strange girl I was fake yelling at. I thanked her for a great performance again, and said I saw she was playing on Sunday, and that I would try to make it then too.

Now, I ask myself. Should I go for it? I made enough of an impression that if I go to the venue on Sunday and talk to her again, I will probably be remembered. That is the foundation.

But, is this tragic, young singer with all her super power suitors really something I think I can get? You know, as I write this, my thought is... one way to find out.

Looks like I'm going to be hearing some country tragedy on Sunday.

Bittersweet

Yesterday, I had a fine day.

I had a long drive with a friend. We talked about so many topics. Laughed. Told some serious stuff. Got advice.

Had a great dinner. Wine, and split shrimp and filet mignon, then coffee and cheesecake.

The thing is, the friend was NB. My ex wife.

We had to go to San Diego to do our taxes, and since we are still technically married, we went together to see if it would be better to file joint. It wasn't.

Talking and hanging with her is nice. She is fun. I think that is something she found again after her and I split. Her stories of hanging with her new friends were hysterical. We got to the small town outside of SD, and we were early, so we ran around town poking our heads into small shops and making jokes and laughing our asses off.

After the tax session, we were starving and there was a lodge-looking restaurant that made us laugh when we looked at it, so we decided to eat there. The prices were more than the place looks like it will be, but we thought, "what the hell".

There were moments yesterday that really made me remember what first attracted me to her. Spontaneous moments of curiosity mixed with embracing the absurd. That is something I always look for in my life, and she was always a perfect partner for that.

Then, there is a gentle nature to her heart, and a ferocious desire for knowledge. Those were also qualities I aspired to.

The whole time, I kept thinking, Damn, I wish this would have worked out. I wish this was what I had wanted. So much is, and then, so much isn't.

I told her that. She said someday someone would come along with all of it. I don't know if I believe that anymore.

I just find my self rather nostalgic today, but not delusional. I know it is done. I know it really will never be what I really want. But I do miss what it was, and I wish to somehow capture that again.

After I got home, CM (the new girl) called. She had been out with friends and they were across town and she wanted me to come out and join her and them. I had been in a car for six hours. It was late in the evening, and I was tired and whistful. Also, I thought it would be REALLY unfair to meet her with a fresh sort of remorse for my divorce hanging over my mood. I told her no, I wasn't coming out. She tried to persuade me. I said no. She tried to guilt me. I said no. She put a mutual friend on the phone and he tried to berate me. I said no. Then I was pissed.

When she got back on, I tried to remain nice and witty, but I was firm and short. I said no.

I wish I could contact NB and say... something. What? I don't know. To what end? I don't know.

I guess what I really want to address is this thing inside of me that is missing.

Release

I ain't getting no love here.

I recently had a return bout of TO.

I hadn't ever really gotten her off my mind, and with the new girl fizzing slightly, I had been thinking more and more about her.

Saw her show Friday night, and was thunderstruck. She's great. She's sexy. She's funny. Damn.

Then, the next night, she came to see my show. In the bar after wards, she was super complimetary, and demanding to know more about the rumors that I was dating someone.

She seemed possesive, and yet, also vulnerable. She was drunk, but not sloppy. Just enough to speak the heart.

Or so I thought.

I weighed my thoughts on Sunday, put out feelers to friends who chastised me, and decided to give it a go.

I asked God to either release me from it all, or make it happen. I thought make it happen was the choice.

Called her on Monday, and asked her out. She said NO.

NO!

Doesn't think people at the same theatre should date. Admitted it was a lame excuse.

What could I do? I said it WAS lame, and hung up.

So much for the make it happen option.

So much for release.

Now, she fills my thoughts again, and tortures me in my dreams.

Now, the diminish on the other girl seems magnified.

I did ask the other girl out for another date. Try to just be in the now and not lead on, but still have some fun.

We'll see. I feel like a lying dirtbag.

I just need some release. I don't know how it will come, but please, oh please, come soon.