The Burning Point

I think that I should make my therapy more frequent.

Right now, I only go once every two weeks. It has been that way for about a year and a half. Even after the split, we determined I could stay at that pace, since all seemed to be going fairly well.

All is not going fairly well now.

I am in a deep depression. Probably of my own making, but I can't see my way out.

I got some good advice though yesterday, which I am trying to cling to.

Speaking about the other night when I didn't drink, and felt like shit and snappish at the theatre, I was told that what was good about that is that a couple of drinks would have "fixed" everything. I would have forgotten my cares, and laughed with the group.

In stead, I felt what I needed to. I didn't drown the pain, I let it ride. My therapist always tells me that is the best way. Don't avoid. Feel the hurt, and it will pass.

In a way, that is what is happening right now.

This is the first time since the split that I am not in a show, that I am not crushing hard on a girl ( assuming that my present over-her attitude remains, which I think it will). Those had been distractions. Pleasant ones, to be sure.

They also will come again, I know. Acting and romance are two things I hope my life is full of forever.

Just right now, without their tonic balm, I feel myself floundering. I can't see the positive. I can't think creatively. I am even contemplating quitting the sketch class because some murder show conflicts came up, and I just want to avoid everything.

I am even trying to write a sketch and I don't think I remember how. Ridiculous, but frighteningly true. I don't feel funny.

Last night, after work, a girl asked me if I was happy. I immediately said no. It jumped out of my mouth. Another coworker was there, and she looked up, shocked. I come off as bubbly and fun. Optimistic.

The first girl then asked when was the last time you remember being happy?

I had to think. For sure, there have been times in the past year that acting has made me happy, but I couldn't say that overall I was happy. So, I didn't count that. I mentioned it, but didn't count it.

Before that, it was when I got married in late 2003, but also at the same time, I switched jobs, which created a horrible income situation, and a huge fight between NB and I. It was one of the things she cited as a reason she started to drift away from me.

So, I can't count that. Even though I was blissfully overjoyed at my surprise relishment of marriage, it was a tough time.

Before that...

I would say late 2000 into early 2001.

NB and I had just healed our relationship after our mini-split. My social scene was at its peak with all my friends gathering regularly for what we called the brunch club. I was recently signed with my agent (one who ultimately turned out to be a freak) and going out on auditions ( the last I have seen).

That was the last time I was happy. Five years ago.

When I realized that, the depression just sank over me. I came home last night and just stared off into space. This morning, I just didn't want to get out of bed. Right now, I feel a cry jag coming on.

I think I need my therapy more often. I think I will print out this page and bring it to my next session.