Swimming in a Whirlpool

I can't seem to get out of this funk I am in. Plus, it doesn't seem like anyone is helping the matter either.

I'm sure it is my own point of view. You know, a bad mood begets bad circumstances.

It just seems like it has been rough.

Not doing a show regularly has made relations with some people at the theatre odd. You suddenly realize you don't have your normal relied upon small talk, and without that there aren't those moments of actual conversation.

So, the past couple of weeks I have questioned some of the tight relationships I thought I had.

Again, I'm positive I am just being neurotic, but it still is up in my brain.

Then I am still doing the stupid yo-yo game with TO.

Just as I decide to not initiate anything anymore with her, she starts to call me regularly. Well, not regularly, but just actually calling is something she never did before.

Well, when she called on Thursday, it was a nice chat. We talk well together. Broad topics, and plenty of light moments and real moments.

She wanted to know when she would see me. I said I didn't think I was going to go to the Thursday night show, but I would go to the Friday show. She got all sweetie pie voiced and said, oh, your coming to my show. I said yeah. She said she would try to be funny for me.

Then, when we got back to the topic of the Thurs show, she again asked if I would go. I knew that her BF doesn't go to that show, so I figured she wanted to talk, and not have him around. So, I said ok. She got excited. We made plans to go to the show, but told each other we would call the other if we needed to back out.

I got out of class early that night. There was no call, so I went to the theatre. She wasn't there. I saw some friends and hung out with them, but no call ever came and she never showed.

That is the pattern. She brings me up high with moments of closeness and possibility, and then I come crashing down hard when they prove to be nothing more. It is probably my own fault for trying to make something that is an A into a B when it is only going to be an A, but this last one seemed to be more than my own wishful inspired antics.

So, I didn't want to see her at the show Friday. I was a little pissed.

If I had anything else to do, I would have. I'm so damn broke these days I just am wasting around the house bored. My buddies enjoy going to the shows on Friday, so they were going to be there. I told myself I would go, then convince them to go somewhere else afterwards.

That didn't happen. For one, it is so convenient to hang in the bar next door. We start tabs, and keep them open.

Secondly, one of the guys was hoping to hear from one of the teachers whether he passed a class. He wanted to stay even though I told him he would not find out that night.

Third, another guy who normally doesn't come out was there, and I didn't want to get into the whole sordid details just to convince him to go to another bar.

So, I steeled myself to hang out. That right there put me into a bad mood. Plus, I am broke, so I wasn't drinking. That added to the bad mood.

Then, my friends kept trying to get me to drink. That isn't such a bad thing, cuz I can just say no, but they continued to push it, and I didn't want to tell them I'm broke. When I did, it was all about them buying me drinks, but I also just didn't want to drink, so then it was a new explanation.

What got worse was when the one guy said he never gets to hang out with us, so we should party it up and get drunk with him. That got me pissed because I tried to hang out with him three times this week and he said no.

Hey, you never get to hang with us because you don't allow it. Too bad for you that the one night you choose to hang with us, I'm not the drunken monkey you want me to be.

Normally I just think those things and repress them and not say them to the person, but I kind of snapped a bit at him.

I had just had an encounter that pissed me off.

Some guy came up to me and asked if I had performed that night. I said no. He looked at me, and I knew then that I was supposed to remember him. I figured fuck it, and said I don't remember you, refresh my memory.

He laughed and told me about one of my shows he saw. Then said he was taking classes at the theatre, and had just had his final class show.

I said cool, and he told me I was amazing. I said thanks, and asked his name. He then said, oh sure, now you want to know.

I said no, I don't care really. He told me it ( I have already forgotten it again) and then I realized he was drunk. I asked how his final went, and he gave me shit for not coming out to see it.

That is a bit of a sensitive topic right now, and he just stepped on a land mine. I turned away from him and said well thanks this has been fun, and walked away. My buddy said it is always fun to meet people with an even mix of self deprecation and hate.

So, feeling awkward at the theatre, and pissed at a girl, and dry and broke, and getting shit from some yokel I don't know, and then getting shit from my friends made me snap.

I felt guilty for it, so I stayed the entire night with him. Me not drinking, him drinking. Most conversations bored me, and I had to get home to eat dinner and walk my roomies dog. But I stayed.

I finally got home at two, and walked the dog and skipped the meal.

I still feel like crap. Angry, and sad. I feel like all the nonsense there ultimately doesn't matter. I'm not even sure if any of this will help my career.

And don't get me started on my career.

You know, I just feel like a fool who is swimming the doggie paddle in the middle of a whirlpool. Just keeping my head above water, but I'm still going down no matter.

Nice image. I think I'll leave with that one.