Water Rising Over My Head

This post is much like the last. That's why I went with the whirlpool theme in the title.

Yesterday at rehearsal, we practiced a soap. Since it is the style of improv we do, it was determined that rehearsals should be focusing on that. Yesterday's genre was old Victorian New England, since that is our next show.

We were assigned characters. Mine was a Renfield type manservant to a mysterious Lord from England.

I assumed I was the heavy. I should be menacing. So, I found a single glove and used it, and looked at people with my head down, you know, through your eyebrows.

Well, the first scene we do, me and the Lord are "discussing" land with the Lord's arch rival. I tried to stand close to the guy, to intimidate. I was told to back down by the Lord, so I went and stood in the corner. Then, the Lord told me to hand his rival " his papers".

I thought it would be funny if I took that literally and actually handed the guy his own papers. So, I did, and the guy said, He handed me my own papers?!

When it came time for notes, we were told the scene wasn't good. I specifically was told I was a bad manservant. That my whole purpose was to make my Lord a higher status. I said I thought I was doing that. The director said we would work on it later.

Then, he said I had made a mistake, and need to listen more. He said I accidentally gave the rival his own papers and told the other actor thanks for pointing out the mistake.

I told him it was no mistake. He was dumbfounded. I said I gave him his own papers on purpose. He asked why. I said because that was what I was told to do. "Give him his papers". I chose to do it literally. The director kind of shook his head, and I said, yeah, I'm sorry. This is no place for comedy.

The problem is, the director is the guy who casts the shows, and he just doesn't get me, or doesn't like me. I've always had this odd relationship with him, and it seems I always will. We did some more scenes, and mine sucked, which is not good.

I need to have some success there. I really feel like the improv has changed, and I don't know if it is for the better. I also feel like I can't seem to be good at it lately. I don't know if I need an audience. I seem to do fine when an audience is there.

After rehearsal, I had work. I was feeling like crap from rehearsal, and I always seem to hate work these days. I guess I was a little short with people. My manager after the shift said that she thinks I am going to pop. She says she can see that I am at the end of my stick, and worries about me.

I told her that I have been getting more rest lately, but I guess she is right. I mean, I do feel sort of lost and floundering. When I asked MM about what he thought about it, he said he agreed. He said I seemed super tense, and told me I was just going through one of my things where nothing seems to work for me. He said all I need was a little bit of success.

Is it that simple?

Last night, I panicked.

What am I doing? Is acting for me? I'm almost forty and what really could you say about my career? Even the theatre is only a recent thing, and who knows how successful that will turn out to be. Then there is the studio and the possibility of teaching. Do I want that? Most teachers get students based on the teacher's credibility. What credibility do I have as an actor to inspire students to listen to me?

A guy in my improv troupe is trying to start up his own improv classes, and when I think about them, I think, No way would I want to take class from him. Why wouldn't people think the same about me?

I know this is spiraling thought, and all of it negative, and that is not healthy, but I can't get out of it. Three times in the past two days, I have broken down in tears suddenly out of the blue.

What is happening to me? Is this still all from my divorce? Is it just me, and that might be one of the reasons I got divorced? I remember NB always telling me that she hated that I needed outside reinforcement. I couldn't give it to myself.

In a way, isn't that just the same thing as I just need a little success? Isn't that him saying you just need someone to tell you your good? And if so, why do I need that, and can't give it myself?

I got to go.

A rehearsal all day, and then work. Tomorrow I need to write a sketch for the class on Saturday. This week I need to write two more sketches with others also for Saturday's class. Plus on Saturday we start pitching characters for the next improv show.

Big day on Saturday.

I think I'm going to pop.