Another pain

Last night I had a dream about Kip.

He was one of my two cats, but he died last September 24th, quite possibly from ant poison that I had sprayed too near him.

In the dream, we had to give him away for some reason. My wife and I were together, and we had both cats, but I remember knowing that we couldn't go forward, wherever, until we gave away Kip. It was awful. I kept holding him in my arms, upside down so his belly was exposed to me. I would just look into his trusting eyes, and say "why? why do we have to give him up?"

When I awoke, it took me a while to actually remember that he was already dead. That my wife was no longer with me. Eventually, I wasn't sure what day it was, because I had been so wrong about the other first thoughts of the day, that I now doubted anything my brain told me.

By breakfast, I had buried all of that.

I just went to a blog that reminded me of those thoughts, and then I pulled up some pictures of Kip. I have been crying the entire time I am writing this. I thought maybe this would help, but it isn't.

I wish he were here with me. I wish I could cry into his fur. He probably wouldn't let me, but that's OK. I'm sorry Kip. I'm so sorry.

I love you.