Great life, now toss it

There has been a recurring theme over the past few days that, subtly, has been slamming into my consciousness. That is, that most of my friends are remaking me into the man I really should have been.

First, the other day two of my married girlfriends suggested I start working out. Well, suggested is really tame for what they said. It was more like "you have to do something about that body if you ever want to touch another woman". Ouch.

I didn't think I was that awful looking. I'm only 160 pounds, just 10 pounds more than when I was in high school. Who else at forty can say that, and have others tell him he looks hidious? I think the problem is where exactly that 10 pounds has been added. Mostly, it is in my gut and love handle area. Plus, some of the pounds from my chest have migrated down to the pounds in my gut. I guess it is one hell of a pound party down there. I mean, after all, it must have a nice buffet. Everyone likes a nice buffet.

Then, another two girls told me it was time to cut my hair. As I said before, I do tend to resemble Kramer. I know that isn't the most sexy look, but I am trying to cultivate a character actor career, and that seemed to work. The real burn, when one of them told me it was time, was the fact that she said I wasn't fooling anyone about my thinning status by growing it longer. What? Is she basically calling my unique career styled look a complicated comb over?! When I told this story to another, she said she didn't agree with the comb over thought, but was certain I needed to trim down. Thanks for the hug.

The transformation isn't only physical. I have another friend who has decided that to rescue my financial status, and to prepare me for the dating scene- where one of the first questions asked of me will be what is my net income- she is going to get me a new job. You see I have been a waiter for most of my life. No, you say! An actor in LA who also waits tables? GET OUT! It is really astounding when I approach tables and one of the old cranks trying to impress his friends smiles at me and asks if I might be an actor. I just smile and say yes, but I really want to say, listen you yob, I'm forty and have fading boyish looks and I'm in LA standing here with your plate of boiled chicken and steamed spinach! Of course, I'm trying to be an actor! You must routinely astound your friends with you clever insights, you dipshit.

Oops, a bit of bitter just spilled all over the page. How about I get back to the point.

Anyhoo- my friend has decided to get me a new job. However, she told me I will have to lie about my LIFE(!!), because I am basically not qualified for anything they need! That's what she said. Not qualified for anything they need.

So, in order to get a better job I can't do, I have been reformatting my resume with stuff either stolen from other people's resumes, including phrases I haven't the slightest clue as to what they mean, or making shit up. The greatest part is, that in prepping me for the interview, my friend said to address my wait jobs and artistic endeavors with the line, I tried to make something of my life, but it wasn't working, so now I am looking forward to stability in a related, but less rewarding, field.

That would be funny if it wasn't actually so goddamn true.