Don't Ask, Don't Tell

So, I missed a post yesterday, because I had a long, full day. More about that later, but I want to update how the "talk" went.

It went well.

Update over.

No, really. It went well. It was one of the most healthy talks I ever had.

First, I had made my list of what I was going to say here in the blog, and gosh golly if I didn't walk right in and say exactly that.

Plus, she agreed with what I was saying.

She doesn't want to get back together. She was ashamed she had said the things and tried to do the things she did on that night.

She wants to be friends in the future. She is starting to think that might be impossible. She thinks we are far away from each other, and are not the same anymore.

I said that we tried to do that on purpose, that we needed to separate our lives before we could ever see if we wanted to come back to an independent friendship.

She apologized for getting mad when I started to tell her the story of the girl in the bar the night before we split. I apologized for choosing that moment to tell the story, but she let me finish it and make the point. Which is not that I was hot for a girl, but that suddenly I realized that there was a want in my life that I hadn't been aware of before. Then, the next day when she said I don't think we are anything but roommates, it made sense and I was able to agree.

She also said at one point that she had a very bad week, and particularly a bad Wednesday. I said why. Who wouldn't ask why? She said I didn't want to know. She said I shouldn't have to help her with this.

There it was again. In fairly plain language, but still secretive.

I chose not to ask any questions.

I don't want to know.

It doesn't matter now, anyway. Were through. What good would it do to find out something like that now? No. I don't want to know.

That is, I must say, the first time in my life that I did want to know something, while realizing it would most likely hurt me, yet not asking for it because I really, in the long run, don't want to know.

I was proud of myself.

I wished her a happy birthday, and left.

Speaking of proud.... I had a great day yesterday.

Long, slow day at work. Made some meager coin. Then, I rushed over to the theatre where my acting class was putting on their sitcom game show.

It is really just a neat format to showcase the performers, but done so that the audience has fun too. The studio has done five of these shows, with this one being the first one that I could be in.

It is nerve racking.

One hundred people are sitting there, many of them industry types. You get your scene four minutes before you are on stage reading. If you are lucky, you might have done or seen the scene in class. If not... good luck.

My scene was the last of the night. I hadn't seen it before. Yikes.

Then, I read the intro to the scene. Steve and Diane are out at a Chinese restaurant to tell Steve's parents they are divorcing.

Bing!

I think I know a little sumpin about that.

Reading through the script, it sounded like Jackie Gleason, so I did that.

It went huge.

We got every laugh. We held for every laugh. The crowd went nuts.

The three judges gave us high scores. Almost perfect. 10, 10, and 9. The 9 came from our teacher, but he said I was wonderful, and the girl playing my wife was a bit too bitchy to start.

Slam dunk.

Everyone was coming up to me to say great job. Some guy came up and told me I was fantastic, and then started quoting my resume. His secret way of telling me he was industry and had already checked on me.

My teacher said I stole the show.

My friends said We've lost him.

It went well. I needed it to go well. A lot of agents and managers were there, and I will be shocked if I don't get called in to join one of them.

My friend said his only concern, after watching many, many of my improv shows, is that I tend to live or die by the performance's reception.

That's true.

X used to yell at me about that all the time. She said I shouldn't seek the validation of myself from others. Yeah.

I have to work on that. Of course, it's easy to work on it when all is going well. It's when you suck that remembering you still are great is tough.

I think part of my problem with that is because I haven't received ANY validation in so long, I've become tied to the slightest bit of it now.

I'm sure with time, I will be able to break that.

Just don't start my lesson now. Let me ride this gravy train a wee bit more, please.

Also, before the show last night, my teacher took me aside and offered me a teacher's assistant position. It would be for no pay to start, but he said let's see how it goes. I told him, hell yes!

Knock, knock. My future is finally at the door.