It's killing me to fall out of love.

I'm not talking about my marriage this time. No, now it is my show.

I haven't been enjoying it. Which sucks, because it is the light of my life. Really.

First of all, I feel lost with my character. I tried some new stuff today, but it remains to be seen whether or not it works. For the most part though, I feel like I am floundering. The real reason I feel it is because, after the show, people always come backstage, people who are in the know, and associated with the theatre, and they tell whomever had a great show, great show. I have not recieved that since the opening night. That is a bit of an indication. I know that it is weak and shallow to weigh the opinion of your own performance on the appreciation of others, but it makes it harder to find that self gratification when you don't get it from others. Or, that is just me. My wife always told me I needed to stop relying on others, and start liking myself.

Another reason I am not so thrilled is, our company is not as motivated and tight as last time. People are not coming to rehearsals or not making the show. That is bullshit. I know that we pay to do this, and therefore have more of a say in terms of making or not making the show, or more often the rehearsal. The thing is, your commitment to rehearsal will directly affect your commitment to the show. If the show is suffering because you are just a lazy bastard, then look out, cuz I won't stand for that.

In fact before our show I got in a fight with one of my castmates, because I was so tired of the bitching going on. She was complaining about having to stay after to shoot pictures. I tried to explain why that is the only time, but no, it was her point and she was sticking to it. So, I blew up. I told her that all the whining and lack of commintment was making me sick. She defended with, I have commitment, but lack of organization is just too frustrating to have to always concede to. I have to agree with that, since tonight our director forgot the camera. Still, the only way to supersede the fuzzy focus is for all to attend and try to become a unit.

I made up with her, but then after in the bar we got into another fight. We were talking about the excersises at rehearsal, and she said one was so basic that she hated it, and wish it gone. It is not one of my favorite games, but I do think it helps. My friend said it didn't, and told me to go take another beginner class. She said it with too much bite for my taste, so I told her that I would continue the conversation some other time when she wasn't an angry, bitter drunk. I don't think that helped the situation one bit. We left for the night, not looking at each other. Tough.

So much problems. Too bad too, because this is everything to me. Both the chance to perform, but also the chance to hang out with people I like, and make them laugh to boot. This is the Sitcom I have always wanted to be on, and until that actually comes along, I better resolve my feelings about this show.

Especially since, last I heard, I was doing it until the end of April.