summary dissolution

Today, Saturday, X and I started the procedure to officially become divorced.

It started out a crappy day.

I had a dream.

I dreamt I lived in a dorm. I awoke in my dorm, and had no idea where my cat was. Looking for him, I found him with a friend of mine. They were sleeping together on a bed, and my friend had brought a plate of food and a bowl of water into the bed with him for my cat.

I thought that was sweet. It looked so cute to see my cat sleeping with my friend, his tiny paw resting on the now empty plate, and the knowledge that my friend cares so much for me, he made sure to feed my cat even while he slept.

Then my other cat climbed over my friend and started to lick my cat in a very familiar and loving way. It didn't register to me in the dream that this was odd. It didn't register to me that my other cat has been dead for a year and a half. I only saw the love that both of my cats felt for each other, and I thought that was so sweet.

It was only when I woke up that I realized my other cat was dead.

Such a pain took over me then, it took several hours to escape.

At first, I started to cry. I can't let go of my guilt, and grief, of my cat's death.

Then, many evil thoughts entered my brain.

I thought of how poorly I did last night. The improv show has one of the best, most vocal followings of any show I've been a part of. The audience is great. We had a great show.

However, my personal performance was less than I would have hoped for.

I got laughs, but for a couple of scenes, I really struggled. I hate to struggle.

I tried not to let it get to me, but I wasn't doing very well. Plus, my friends who had come were long time regulars, and they were happy that the show was a good one.

But that wasn't how I felt. Back to the old live by the performance conundrum. Good show, feel great. Poor show, feel bad.

Also, I am a huge egomaniac. I found myself actually interrupting two people who were conversing to talk about the show they had just seen. They let me know how pathetic I was, but indulged me nevertheless.

Lying in bed this morning, depressed over my cat, I relived all of those thoughts.

Then, I started down an even worse path.

I started to think that the good times were now over. I felt my luck had changed, and now only bad would come. I thought that my date would go terrible. Then, I thought that my date would be fine, but that she would see me for the depressed pathetic person I am and decide that she wanted none of that.

I couldn't decide though if I thought my date would be ruined by her or me. I was 50/50 with who would be more responsible for the failure when I decided to just get the fuck out of bed.

I sat for an hour before I even made coffee.

If you know anything about me, that is the biggest warning sign that things are not right ever.

Finally, X came by.

She had emailed me earlier this week saying that she had something for me, and also that she felt like the time had come. I had told her early in the new year that I thought we should officially get divorced. She was taken aback, but thought I was probably right. Neither of us brought it up again, and that was that.

Now, she felt, the time was right.

So, when she came by, I told her I found a site to do it cheap. It seems that if you don't have kids or property or money, and you don't want to fight, divorce is easy.

It is a summary dissolution.

And it only costs $300!

Filling out the questionnaire, I had a pang of regret. Tears welled up in my eyes, and I thought for a brief second that this was so, so very wrong.

We finished the questions, and charged the bill.

She left.

I felt more alone then than when all of my belongings seemed to be gone.

I had to go to work, and so I got ready and left.

Driving, I tried to shake the malaise. I tried to challenge every bad thought.

Ok, my cat is dead. I have the one still, and he is so very loving. I didn't kill my other cat on purpose. So, don't beat yourself up. At least he still visits in your dreams, and they are pleasant visits.

Look at your show last night. Ok, got a laugh there, and there, and there. That guy called you funny, and that guy. The two bad scenes, well, ok, you should have made this choice, and that. Still, nothing to hide in shame about.

The ego with the friends thing? Well, be a better friend! Listen to them. Feel for them. Talk to them about things they are doing. It doesn't always have to be me, me, me. Learn to accept that because we are alone in this world, even when we are with people, and if you don't get to the point of being easy with yourself, then no one else will either.

Divorce is what you need. It is where you want to go. It is ok. Nothing strange with feeling sad at the end, in fact, it is totally normal and healthy to feel the loss and sadness. Good for you!

As for your date, well, who knows? It is totally open. It could go terrible. It could go great. Who knows? Just be open. Just be you. Just be interested in who you are with. Just let what happens happen. It all happens for a reason. Even the worst possible date scenario would probably be exactly what I need right now. Also, the best possible scenario. Who knows?

I feel better now.

I'm ready for the week.

I want to hear how your day went.

So...