Whose Life Is It Anyways

Feeling a true sense of disconnect these days. Therapeutically, that ain't good.

Kind of feels like I am fast forwarding through someone else's life, but I don't remember how to get back to mine.

What even is mine? I have a general sense of falling down a flight of stairs.

Which is not unusual for this time of year. You see, at the end of the week(staircase) is my birthday. An event that unceremoniously bums me out. Always has. It has nothing to do with age or success. My 25th birthday was spent secretly with a bottle of Capt. Morgans at the apt of two friends who had no idea it was my day.

So, maybe that is why I feel the sense of falling down. I am tumbling towards Friday with absolutely no desire.

To make things worse, my wife will be coming to my show. I don't mean worse that now I will have to see her, and I don't like that, but I mean that I am sure a lot of emotion on that day will surface, and her being there might trigger some shit. She called and asked if she could come to my show, so that she could say happy birthday after. I told her sure, what can you say? I, in a way, want her to say that to me. It just might be hard.

I don't even look forward to the show. I just feel like I have lost my joy with it. We gave a crappy show last week, which blew because my brother was there. He of course is not Mr. Sensitivity. Told me how I could make it funnier. This coming from the guy who the night before was drunkenly trying to pick up Michelle the bartender with lines like, Hey baby, where is the after hours. By the way, her name was Jennifer, which she told us twice, but he always called her Michelle. Ain't no after hours for you, bub.

We did have some good talks. Some odd too. He told me he always felt like dad was closer to me. I told him bull, that he and dad were closer. How ironic. Poor dad, neither of his sons feel a connect with him.

Most of the weekend, he tried to tell me I was alright. He told me after his engagement fell apart, he was bitter and would fuck girls for revenge. I don't know if that is alright, and if that is how I am percieved. I certainly don't feel bitter, and I certainly can't fuck for revenge. I can barely fuck for pleasure.

There were some times I just wanted to tell him to shut the fuck up. Then I would realize that he had no where else to go, and I would then be awkwardly stuck with the person I just told to fuck off.

What really was odd was, at the end, on Sunday, as I was taking him to the airport, he stopped at an ATM and withdrew and gave me $200. He asked me to get off of work Saturday night, which I did, and he paid me for what I was missing. He bought all of my meals, and even took me grocery shopping (even though, he bought what he thought I should have, and not what I thought I should have, hence I have a ton of something called Gatorade in my fridge). I joked that had he paid me at the start of the trip, I would have been nicer. Then I told him, nice doing business with you.

What a whore.

At one point during the trip, I told my friend that it was odd, and that I felt seperated from my brother. He said, you felt seperated from your mom and you said the other day you feel seperated from the group. You just always feel seperated! Get over it.

I wonder if that is true? Is this all just me? I really think I have always felt this way about my family. Most of the time I am with them, if they are talking, I just internally think, SHUT UP.

Maybe this sense of disconnect is just something I will always have to contend with. No matter whom I am with, no matter how happy or not I am.

I'm falling down the stairs. Figures. I always go for the pratfall.